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FUCKING DAY

Let’s Read: Exercising the Penis

I’m going to tell you the same thing I should tell you at the start of every article: you are about to have a huge penis. That’s the whole intro, let’s read EXERCISING THE PENIS.

The book opens with a dedication to VENESSA, who helped the author “every step of the way, big or small.” I thought this might be a clever way of thanking her for staying with him through the small penis days, but the next sentence kept going on about steps to suggest there was no hidden metaphor. So don’t expect secret genius or tongue-in-cheek comedy from this penis enlargement book. He’s an idiot, and you can tell because the first thing he does in his book is name the one person who knows with certainty it’s make-believe. I’m glad poor VENESSA at least got a dedication because her boyfriend typed 272 pages of cock stretches and perineum kegels and she had the much harder job of pretending they worked.

You might already have an idea of how possible penis enlargement is based on your own independent research. Aaron Kemmer opens his book acknowledging your skepticism by debunking science, or as he calls it “penis myths.” You may have heard, for instance, the penis is not a muscle. Not true, sort of. According to one unexplained bullet point, it is approximately 50% smooth muscle and those are his italics, not mine.

This is more wordplay than biology. It’s like saying penises do not conduct electricity, but they can sure add an unexpected jolt to a rain storm. Renaming the very-much-not-muscles in a penis to something with the word “muscle” does not mean you can start pumping iron with it. Still, I’m going to say the same thing every owner of this book said: “What could it hurt to try pumping some iron with it? I know it’s fake, I’m not stupid, but I’m not willing to bet this tin- already huge dong on it?” This is fucking America, where the dumbest ideas are as valid as your pussy expert ones. What I’m saying is, let’s all pull it out and let’s get started.

There are several pages dedicated to measuring which include multiple methods and starting points. Aaron acknowledges dongs change size all day, so he suggests measuring at full boner from some of your favorite spots, and also taking three flaccid measurements and averaging them. By the end of this section, you’re going to have a lot of contradictory cock data, but only the most skeptical reader would suspect this was designed to make it very, very hard to tell whether or not your penis is increasing in size. If you ask me, the only true way to measure an erection is to pace out how much running start you need to penetrate a fiberglass door. I never saw the point of measuring a flaccid penis since I haven’t had one of those since they announced Chrisitan Slater would join Emilio Estevez and Lou Diamond Phillips in the cast of Young Guns II. “The West just got wilder!”

I don’t want to make this about me and my massive dong success. I’ve read enough penis enlargement books to be squared away, ladies. So let’s get back to talking about Aaron’s system. Before he gets into the hardcore stretching exercises, he gives 8 tips on how to make your penis bigger right now. And good news: almost all of you are doing numbers three through seven at this very moment.

I wasn’t very impressed with Aaron’s advice to increase my size by “pulling on it” or using my imagination to conjure most of a boner. In fact, if a being appeared before me and said, “I took the form of your people fifteen of your Earth minutes ago,” I would say, “Fifteen minutes? Then you’ve definitely tried pulling on your dick to make it bigger. Have you tried basketball? Or Emilio Estevez? Let’s see… what else, what else…” Aaron had some expert level advice on #5, though. I don’t think I would have considered holding in my pee so the guys in the locker room would see my penis at its best. That’s the kind of insecurity you don’t expect even from someone who wrote a book about pointlessly squishing your dick and hoping wishes are real. A lot of this stupid fucking nonsense I blame on VENESSA.

Another thing we need to do before our exercises, besides taking inventory of our girth, pulling on it, holding in our pee, quitting smoking, and thinking positive thoughts is a penis exercise warm up. A penis exercise warm up is exactly what it sounds like– you microwave a sock full of rice and put your dick in it.

In the first #1 bullet point, Aaron says any sock that fits around your penis will do. And if you own a sock that doesn’t fit around your penis, I don’t like that the only things I know about you are (1) you have a medically dangerous dong, and (2) you collect tiny doll socks. I also don’t like in his first #2 bullet point that this science is so imprecise you can use any kind of rice. If it’s important for my rice cooker to know the type of rice I’m using, it’s vital my dick also knows. The last thing I especially don’t like is in his second #3 bullet point: “microwave and heat for approximately 30 to 90 seconds or until you reach desired temperature.” What the fuck is “desired temperature” when I’m sous vide cooking rice-crusted dick? And do you have any idea the vast difference between 30 and 90 seconds in a microwave? The skin on a human penis does! All I’m saying is if you want me to perform untested boiling rice surgery on my genitals, I wish it was a more exact procedure than shrugging and hitting the SENSOR POTATO button.

Besides getting your cock nice and scalded, it’s important to prepare your “inner penis” for stretching by heating up your taint. Get all sectors of your penis as well including the hard-to-reach top, bottom, and sides. I was skeptical before, but anyone whose dick is big enough to have three different climates knows a thing or two about enlarging a penis.

I know you haven’t had time to get to the top or sides of your penis yet, but you’re ready enough. Let’s jelq.

Jelqing is either a 30-year-old dick squeezing technique, ordinary masturbation, or an ancient Arabic exercise. The author of this book based almost entirely on it doesn’t know. But you can’t argue with the science– pushing blood into the penis adds nutrients and stress causing it to grow. This sentence is left intentionally humorless to demonstrate how already ridiculous I find the idea of mashing vitamin blood into a human penis; joking about something so nakedly absurd is a waste of both of our times. Speaking of wasting time, here’s how you jelq:

Lather up your shaft and stroke yourself with as little romantic intent as possible. Congratulations. You have jelqed one complete jelq, because jelq is a verb and a noun. You can also consider it a carpet cleaner and a Batman because it is nothing. It is jerking off without purpose. It’s masturbating not to the idea of sex, but to the idea of blood vitamins and microwaved rice rewriting your groin DNA. Jelqing is how you would move milk out of a goat if the goat was a gullible idiot with a sad dick. This is a fun book, but if getting your penis warm and pulling on it made it bigger, wouldn’t everyone know? Does the author think we spent our teen years with our hands tied to the side of an igloo? If this worked, every 8th grader would have come back from summer break with 70 pounds of coiled, tender penis meat in a wheelbarrow instead of just me. Ladies.

If you’re still reading this book after discovering jelqing is playing with yourself and nothing else, you’re on board for anything. The author knew he could add more and more supernatural properties to jelqing. One of them is dick straightening. So while you’re making your penis bigger and stronger, go ahead and uncurve it by jelqing the other direction. If you mini jelq at the right angle you can reduce your heating costs and advance civil rights. Some jelqers jelq into their penis curve and ride the rotation into the swirls of time. This is how jelqing appeared both in “ancient Arabic” tablets and “roughly 30 years” ago. There are nights I see glimpses of my future self jelqing on a penis measurements have no numbers for. “Tell them NOT TO–” his, my voice will scream each time before being interrupted by the violent pull of the jelqstream. I have memories of jelqing from a world that never was. Has my penis always been this large and straight? So jelq and jelq? So jelq? Jelq? Jelq.

After you’ve jelqed for a month, you are ready for the đźš«ADVANCED EXERCISEđźš«.of draping a dry towel on your boner. As you advance or “jelq-up,” get the towel wet to increase the weight. Keep women informed of your jelqing progress. Say to them, “I stroke my dick so much I can hang a wet towel on it. Very wet.” Say “wet” as wetly as possible. Ask them if anything else is wet, again very wetly, and make very sure to get a clear answer. Penetrating a woman after 30 days of jelqing is more of a lubrication bench test than an act of love.

If you still seek advanced jelqing tips, try constricting your jelq-rod in the toothed claws of restraints to jelq handlessly during your travels. The pages of this jelq tome, upon which all future societies shall devote jelq and more, lists a number of dong crushing clamps and jelq-presses to keep the precious blood vitamins trapped inside your GIRTHED SHAFT. It is as jelqed by the prophecy my future self shrieks we must all one day heed: when a man mistaking masturbation for science suggests you place barbed clamps on your dick, only a great fool says, “Holy shit, what?” The jelq-minded man says, “Jelq me up to maximum and tourniquet this hog. I am no small penised coward.”


This article was brought to you by our fine patron and Hot Dog Supreme, John McCammon: who left fighting behind him, at least until Baron Arena took his daughter. 

6 replies on “Let’s Read: Exercising the Penis”

Time to go to the hardware store for cable clamps, zip-ties, and livestock birthing agent! I’ll post my progress in the comments.

Wait! Holy shit, what is Mondor’s disease? Can it be cured by jelquing? Is VENESSA a carrier?

This is the most upsetting…wait this is Fucking Day?!? I feel hoodwinked. Bamboozled.

You caught me doing step 3…

Are you saying on me, Seanbaby?

Or did you mention Young Guns 2 to make sure every red-blooded male would be jelqing?

It doesn’t matter if the rice is wheat? What the fuck does this guy think wheat is?

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