How To Be Random

Listen, you want to be like that kid getting beat up behind the Jamba Juice. We all do. That’s why those bullies are showing him the scenic route to his own underwear: Because he wore swim fins on the bus and they could not handle his comedic genius. But how? How can we be more like the person voted “Most Wishes They Were Class Clown”?

Just as with every question you wish you’d never asked, the answer is “the internet.” We must dissect the ‘How To Be Random’ Wikihow if we are ever to unlock the secrets lurking behind Jonas’ bloody SpongeBob T-shirt.

Right from the jump we’re off to a bad start. Every idiot knows that ‘randomology’ is the study of randomness, and ‘randomosity’ is the treatment of it in a clinical setting. ‘Randomism’ was a short-lived German artistic movement in the 1960s, which reached its zenith when Lars Hamburgerdance answered “florp” instead of “not guilty” at his public indecency trial.

“Ice cream coffee!” Andrew says.

“What, like an affogato? I could go for one,” says Chip.

Andrew has failed to be random. He will later commit suicide from shame.

We’re two paragraphs into ‘How to be Random’ and we’re already diving into tangents about the technical meaning of the word “random.” So really this is teaching you how to be both random and pedantic: The two greatest aphrodisiacs known to humanity.

“God damn it, Ned! Just tell me how far along the cancer is!”

And you know how everybody is super jealous of those traumatic head injury patients, and all the tail they get *

*(Gary Busy notwithstanding)

“Be random! Make talking to you about literally anything the lowest part of anyone’s day!”

This is actually great advice if you’re trying to pad out your human interactions. If the only time another human being registers your existence is to ask you “how long until the next red line comes?” You’d damn well better answer “the next Vermillion strand is negative six times negative two minutes away!” That’s another four seconds of human contact to treasure at night when you start to miss the taste of gun oil.

Jesus Christ, there are posers in the ‘random’ community? This was already the lowest totem pole I could conceive of. Do you mean to tell me that it carries on into the dirt? I’ll tell you what: if the ‘randoms’ disdain you because you screamed “taco” as you climaxed instead of “bring back the Cheesarito,”  maybe human speech isn’t for you. Have you tried grunts and points? Please email me. I will send you the Wikihow for How To Caveman.

There is a huge difference in tone between “Hulkamania is gonna run wild on you,” and “the Devin will exchange bitcoin for feet pics.”

Okay this officially escalates from ‘being random’ to ‘sexual harassment.’ Although, to be fair, that is the logical progression. Screeching “the narwhal bacons at midnight!” is the Charizard to 3^rd Degree Stalking’s Charmander.

Look how intrigued that woman is that this dude had the decency and foresight to ask for her panties in a high-pitched South African accent.

Yes, actually, please do wear a gorilla mask and top hat at all times. The greater the distance at which you can give us a visual warning about your personality, the better. A top hat is one step better than a Rick and Morty T-shirt. Six hundred balloons that each read “I’m exhausting” is the only thing better than a top hat.

See? You thought I was joking with that Sexual Harassment Charizard talk.

“How’d you get Ebola, Chuck?”

“Well, you see, I needed a jacket and long story short there’s a reason zookeepers ask you not to lick the bats. Wokka wokka is it supposed to bleed even when I’m not pooping?”

Don’t fucking drag Star Trek into this, you teething wandom. Star Trek is how conventional dorks avoid getting laid. You have not earned the right.

“LOL I’m Rottenfuhrer Rick! SO random! Am I right guys? Anyway, I have a final solution I’d like to discuss with you…”

Every single one of these suggestions involves sprinting somewhere unexpectedly and without warning, often down a slope or to a roadside. I am beginning to think this Wikihow was not actually written by a Random, but is in fact devious propaganda from the Logics, attempting to provoke a rash of tragic traffic accidents.

“Yep, you just sprint headlong for that dumpster. Especially if the garbage truck is about to grab it. It would be extremely random if you dove under the truck’s wheels. You ever notice how nobody does that? Nobody jumps under truck wheels – be the first!”

-The council of Forthright Attention and Rigorous Tactics

Steal from the great surrealists! For example, did you know Rene Magritte died of Pancreatic Cancer?

“Even if the police officer insists that you have the right to remain silent, you can still moo! They can’t prosecute you for a moo! A moo is not a legal admission of guilt! Not unless you plowed a cow! Hey, actually, you know what would be really random…”

So very much of this guide focuses on the fastest way to get interesting people to hate you.

I do appreciate that even the ‘How to be Random’ guide admits that just not doing any of this will net “better results.”

Found the wandom.

You thought I was joking about Sexual Harassment Charizard. You thought I was joking about Rottenfuhrer Rick. It’s a little-known fact that white nationalists have infiltrated the Random internet scene to recruit for their militias. You think it’s all quirky fun, but you’re two morglethorps and a hula hoop away from curb stomping a minority in northern Idaho.