HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME… and have her beg for more! It Really Works! The First and Only Book That Tells You Exactly How is a 39-year-old book on farming orgasms written by a Christian actress after three sex partners. There’s no way to frame it in a way that will prepare you for how inadequate it is. It’s 123 pages of nothing. It’s the loose thoughts of a wad of brain being beaten out of a horny donkey with a shovel. If you’ve ever fished an object out of a cup of pudding, you’re more qualified to write a sex manual than Naura Hayden.
More than anything, this book about dominating your wife’s pussy is about Naura Hayden. She included what is, without question, the most uniquely indulgent author bio any book flap will ever harbor. It lists every media project she’s ever been attached to. It brags about how she met George Kennedy among many others. It praises her charity work, a foundation which donates her personal vitamin energy shakes to insane asylums, which is not a joke. It lists her height and weight along with the name and breed of each of her pets. It mentions how gorgeous she is, and how truly awe-inspiring this all must be, and I still haven’t made a joke. You can see it here!
You might be wondering who this amazing person, who just taped two pilots, dedicated their fuck advice book to. It’s so grand in vision, so beyond crotch understanding she couldn’t dedicate it to something as small as the two penises that taught her so very little. No, the credit needed to go to something more magnificent. Love itself? God Himself? Holy shit, you guys. Are you thinking what 1982’s Naura Hayden was thinking?
On the very first page it’s clear Naura is a gifted writer. The way she dances between tones and subjects is masterful. I can only aspire to craft transitions so perfectly. Poop goes in the butt, every day 16 million children go to bed hungry. The best type of pizza is Birthday, God created the vaginal canal for the moist tubes of Man. Sorry, I’m terrible at this. Let me show you how the master does it:
That violent whiplash between God’s precious gift of sex organs and how every woman fakes orgasms sums up the entire book. I could stop now. Naura is obsessed with herself, fake orgasms, and the Lord’s role in real ones. Let’s start with a story about the two more important ones, fake orgasms and herself:
This book was inspired by a talk show appearance where she broke the news that all women fake orgasms but in her book Isle of View (Say it Out Loud), she revealed the secret technique to cause authentic ones. And when you tell Kansas City morning show viewers you know how to fuck, it turns out they have some followup questions. So after hearing about their interest, she, in a move I do not find suspicious, wrote this book to reveal the secret technique she claimed was in the other one, the one with the fucking stupid goddamn title for idiot babies. So let’s hear it! How do we get these ladies climaxing?
Wait, there are some things to cover before we get to the sex tips. First, Naura wants to talk about all those books on how to fuck men. Maybe you’re familiar with them, but I’m probably a leading authority on vintage fuck literature, and I don’t think Naura is right. For plainly obvious supply-and-demand reasons plus the ones she mentions, books about pleasing men have never outnumbered books on seducing women. Trust me, if there were hundreds of ’70s books on how to work a dick, I would own them all and they would be the main talking point of my library. There would be a day on this website called Beefstroking Day, and Brockway would call dibs on it every week.
And one more thing about this clipping– I know some of you saw Naura’s comments about how easy it is to jerk a guy off, and you’re reacting with the classic argument, “What if he’s not healthy!?” Guys, she knows it takes a little extra effort with a mentally or emotionally sick penis. She’s held three of them.
Okay, you’re ready to learn the m– oh, she has a little more to say about fake orgasms.
Think how earth-shattering these comments must have been to Naura’s former lovers, whoever they were. Wait, hold on. According to her Wikipedia, her husbands were a restaurateur named John Harrison, a TV executive named Gary Stevens, and a lawyer named, oh wow: Theodore Geiser. So at least one of these men thought they knew how to fuck because of Naura’s breathing quickening, hard nipples, etc., but they were wrong.
These fake orgasms are a symptom of something Naura calls THE BIG BANG THEORY. It’s her painfully researched study about the effectiveness of getting the walls of your cervix slapped by an angry dick. It’s kind of funny, but by this point in the book, Theodore Geiser, Esq. had probably figured out who she was talking about. I imagine he was like, “Welcome home, Naura dear. How was your day? Oh, yeah, I saw you mention on Wake Up, Kansas City how you don’t actually like the way this sweet monster hits the back of that pussy.”
If any of you men are confused, Naura came up with a way for you to simulate sex from a woman’s perspective with your own arm:
I have nothing to add to this. Like every TV host who saw her explain sex by punching her own arm, I’m amazed.
The next part of the book is… I guess you’d call it “supporting data” for her BIG BANG THEORY. It’s a collection of Penthouse Forum letters and erotic novel excerpts that feature the act of “banging.” I’m not leaving out any important context. This Christian woman who hates rough sex stopped her book to showcase a whole bunch of hardcore, hole-pounding assplay fiction.
Her point is, she doesn’t think any of this would work. So now it’s time to m– wait, it looks like she has a couple more pages of examples.
There’s no way to know this for sure, but if I was a woman of God whose tender flower could only be gently pleased within the sacrament of matrimony, I wouldn’t have included a Penthouse letter from a sex criminal who loves to cripple buttholes with his ten inch hog. But you see her point, right? Some people, like anal maniacs hiding their identity from Penthouse magazine, don’t know how to please their wife. Naura wisely moves on from this stran– oh, it looks like there are a few more clippings she wanted us to see.
She does this for eight pages! EIGHT PAGES. It’s very important to Naura that we know people bang. Well, probably not Name and Address Withheld, but somebody is out there banging and/or pumping, and Naura says they’re amateurs. Pornographers and perverts wish they knew as much about getting their dick wet as this devout poodle owner.
We’re now 40 pages into the book, so it’s time to learn how to please a woman. First, though, we need to learn how to do foreplay.
Finally, the good stuff! There’s about two pages dedicated to foreplay techniques such as not touching her nipples or avoiding her nipples. And I don’t know if this means anything, but she dedicated four times more space in her book to reprinting dubious butt assaults from porno magazine letters sections.
I know it’s been hard getting here, maybe a little bit disgusting, but we’ve made it to Chapter 3: The Main Event. This is where Naura will tell us the secret techniques she’s developed to satisfy a woman every time. Let’s do it!
You know, first we should remind everyone of how women fake orgasms since it’s the only way to end the boredom and pain of sex. Sorry, let’s get you back in the mood. Imagine I’m scratching a part of you that isn’t an erogenous zone like an itch. Barely. Ready? Oh, yeah, you’re ready.
So Naura follows up the sweet suffering of almost nipple touching with the gentle titilation of almost sex? I guess this could work, sure. Why not? Let’s see some of her other moves.
Oh. Oh, this can’t be right. There’s only one move, and it’s not having sex until she wants to have sex and then verrrrrry gently having sex. I promise I just describe things faster than her and I’m not leaving anything out! The only advice she has, literally, is slowing everything way down and nothing else! She’s out of moves! Even after dragging things out like Theodore Geiser, Esq. on Valentine’s Day, the section on her secret fuck techniques guaranteed to satisfy a woman every time is one technique and six pages long. That’s two pages shorter than the “Ass Destroying” section of a Christian woman’s Penthouse scrapbook.
Like Theodore Geiser, Esq. after five hours of playful exploration, I’ve never seen someone so drained of ideas. When Naura started this book did she know she only knew one thing? Was she expecting it to take longer to explain it? A Ukrainian condom wrapper comes with more sex advice than this. I’ve had Six Flags employees strap me into a roller coaster with more genital expertise than this.
So we’ve covered how all orgasms are fake except the ones coaxed out of a shoal by a patient fisherman. We’ve read some very upsetting pornography. And, of course, we learned how to penetrate a woman like the limit of a function as x approaches 0. It’s time to move on to Chapter 4: What to Do If Your Man Won’t Even Try (For Women Only!). In this chapter, Naura reprints quotes from The Hite Report: A National Study of Female Sexuality about why women fake orgasms.
Again, I wasn’t kidding. Naura depleted her one sex move, so she’s starting over with her original thesis: no woman has ever taken a skillful lover. Let’s see some of these unattributed quotes from a different book!
Sounds reasonable. Oh no, it feels like my brain is trying to imagine the sex life of this woman who ends her lovemaking with either no orgasm and an argument or just no orgasm. Does she tell the marriage counselor about this? Like when they explain their main source of conflict, does her husband say, “We mostly fight about whether or not she cums. She says she never does, but that’s because she doesn’t listen to my side of things.” Oh no, now my brain is picturing the husband explaining to the kids that his work friend Big Frank is here to help mommy sleep. He’s just going to watch. Stop! This won’t save your marriage! Oh no, now my brain is picturing what kind of life Big Frank has that he’s okay with this. A SeaWorld lawyer!? And they think he is stealing the wife’s shoes? Ugh, how long was I gone? What’s today’s date? No, not the day, the year!
This is sort of a sweet reason to fake an orgasm I think everyone can relate to. Like when your friend asks you if you like their hat and you say, “Yes yes yes YES BABY GET IT DADDY YES YESFUUUUUUUCK!”
This lady was told by multiple male doctors to fake orgasms. There’s no reason for them to bring that up. Which means for 35 years she told everyone her husband couldn’t fuck except her husband (bless her).
Sure, he makes love like a chimpanzee destroying a rival’s nest, but he’s got enough to worry about at work. His partner Big Frank has been acting really distracted and they blew a big case. You know how SeaWorld can’t feed stray cats to orcas anymore? That’s his fault. So yeah, maybe now’s not a good time to tell him, “also your dick sucks.”
“My husband and I are weirdly self-aware of our problems and the motivating forces behind our failures. It’s also possible we’re completely fictional and the person collecting quotes for their 1976 national sex survey made some of them up. But of course anyone doing that must suffer from an intense fear of inadequacy and have no foundation of ethics and oh wow, so much of what I do makes sense now. Um, um, said the lady faking the orgasms!”
Jesus, this is dark. I think I prefer the asshole rampaging stories from Name and Address Withheld’s Penthouse Forum letters. I’m going to skip past the other nine pages of these to get to the stated goal of Chapter 4– what can you ladies actually do about all these angry, gameless limpdicks you married? Does Naura have some kind of secret move you can do on your end to cause an orgasm? She does!
Unfortunately, it’s exactly the same move from earlier, only in reverse!
Look, wives, I’m as disappointed in you that there’s only one sex move, but this seems doable. When your confused husband isn’t teasing you, help him out by grabbing hold of him with your thighs and forcefully pulling his penis out of you. It’s the universal sign you want the loving to be more tender and intimate. Maybe? Naura is only positive about one thing:
Naura is sure there’s a God, but it might be more of a ghost or a Giant Self? It’s the only thing in her life she knows, is the point, and she isn’t sure what it is or what you’re supposed to call it. Again, dry wives, I don’t know why she keeps bringing it up, but she worships just kind of a something, and it’s with all her heart. It’s good Naura demonstrates this kind of wisdom here because she’s done everything she can for you physically. It’s time to fix your joyless sex life with some of her more intellectual solutions.
I wouldn’t have thought of this if I was writing a sex book, but the expert Naura says one way to achieve orgasm is to concentrate on memories of being hugged by your dad. I have no jokes, I simply disagree.
If the dad thing doesn’t work, good. That means you can try some tips from Chapter 6: Fantasies. Now, wait, these aren’t games or role playing scenarios for you and your lover– they’re things you can imagine he is doing while he hopelessly porks you. For instance, and forgive my raciness, would you like to get spanked? Too much? Alright then, gently spanked. Okay, maybe not even gently, but can you pretend he’s spanking you? Fine, maybe lose the imaginary spankings altogether and you just picture the idea of being with someone who might consider spanking you. Mmmm, there it is. Enjoy.
This dingbat is making fun of how square Casper Milquetoast and Wilbur Wimp are, but she’s the one who had to deliberately train her imagination to hold the image of a spanking three layers of abstraction away from reality. A real woman could picture Casper Milquetoast and Wilbur Wimp on either side of her, filling her with a combined twenty inches of pumping meat while she begs for them to punch her. Do you recognize my writing style, Naura? You unknowingly quoted me seventeen times in your chapter on Penthouse letters!
So this other woman Naura knows fakes orgasms has a secret tickle fetish she hasn’t told her husband about so he has no idea how to make her happy or why she laughs during sex? I know how this is going to sound, Naura, b-but maybe the problem is you?
Of all the completely true things I’ve told you about this book, this is the least believable one: over forty pages of it are dedicated to vitamins. Aside from the last 14 pages being an unreadable scan of a fan letter she got, the rest of the book is an ad for her energy shakes disguised as nutritional information.
The goal of Naura’s book is to give you orgasms, and almost half of it is dedicated to telling you how many Naura Hayden Dynamite Energy Shakes you should give to your children. It has the Other Minerals they need! This is like a dream. I set out to make fun of a sex author for being bad at sex and found her telling readers how much snake oil their kids need per pound.
Let’s end with one of Naura’s perfect, unmatchable transitions.
In a book about orgasms, one sentence away from where she calls Vitamin E the “sex vitamin,” and in the very same paragraph, Naura sells you on it with the story of an Argentinian doctor who discovered you can give huge amounts of it to children with congenital diseases and it doesn’t even kill them. Fuck. Fuck.
I understand explaining what happened here will be complicated, but if you’re brave enough to bring up the subject of fake orgasms, Christian sex vitamins, and special needs children in the same anecdote, you can now confidently tell anyone you’ll ever meet you know the name of the least effective sex manual. Because it is, without a doubt, HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME… and have her beg for more! It Really Works! The First and Only Book That Tells You Exactly How by Naura Hayden.
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