Let’s Read: 269 Amazing Sex Games

Like all sex books, 269 Amazing Sex Games has to make some pretty wild guesses where your kink zone starts and ends. It has no idea if you’re shy grandparents or dicks-in-every-hand exhibitionists, so it assumes you’re both. It was written by Hugh de Beer, an erotic board game designer, which you wouldn’t know since 80% of the suggestions aren’t games and the ones that are have frustratingly vague win conditions. This is, again like all sex books, a brainstorming session typed out by an inexperienced lover with a pedestrian mind that reveals only the author’s shortcomings and fruit fetishes. I don’t know how many ways there are to add chance and whimsy to your fucking, but this book proves it is way, way fewer than 269.

These Amazing Sex Games are all word-for-word taken from the book.

I’ve always wondered why I see so many old married couples browsing the produce section and arguing about which berries are the easiest to retrieve from a human anus.

This book was published in 2005 when it might not have been absurd for a household to own six or more porn DVDs. I absolutely do not recommend trying this Amazing Sex Tip today. I did, and my six choices were Milf Forces Stepson, Son get Mom Pregnint (real), mom/son creampie preview, sister blackmailed thye shouldnt have made this, Make me a “MAN” mom (MilkedGoddess), Ri$e of $kyw@lker full movie link in comments.

If you’re following along in a cute numbered book to spice up your tired love life, you are not equipped to navigate the modern erotic video landscape. I don’t even feel comfortable doing it and I’m personally the reason for three safety warnings on erection pumps. The clerk at my local sex dungeon once told me, “We haven’t found those four inches of your penis, but my boss says you still have to pay full price,” and I would never do something as dangerous as just randomly selecting an erotic video in the year 2020.

“Mmm, that feels nice. Okay, here’s the comments on Son get Mom Pregnint (real). Gapelover_Newmexico says ‘nut nut‘ a whole bunch of times… xXMurdererXx says ‘mommy fat tits lookin good,’ a couple more people say ‘nut nut‘ … this one is a work from home spam… okay, Beefwand19 says ‘FAKE‘ all caps, ‘you can tell it’s not his actual mom that’s Jasmyn Nipple,’ and then there’s a link to her instagram. ‘She has four kids and they are all too old for porn.‘ He spelled all of those words wrong. Oh that tickles, this book is FUN!”

What? Alright, thanks for the banana… slut? I guess a surprise mango won’t make me less likely to fuck somebody, but this feels pretty far removed from both sex or games. What the hell are we doing here, Hugh? Not all of us have a fruit thing. Am I supposed to tell her to put the mango in her butt? And then she marinates an ass mango for five hours depending on traffic? And then we, what? Flip a coin to see who gets to eat the butt fruit? Okay, now that I’ve visualized the whole thing, it is kind of hot.

You know someone has never tried the ideas in their sex book if they think you can give someone a discreet footjob to completion in a restaurant. This is an idea for a giggly teenager with a limited imagination and a foot thing to jerk off to; it’s not an actionable plan for a horny couple. Hugh, did you strain your brain so hard coming up with “stomp on her crotch at Chili’s” that you forgot waiters can see and hear just like you? “Amazing Sex Game” my mango-filled ass. I’m starting to think Hugh learned what sex was from edited-for-TV romantic comedies…

…oh my god, he did. He fucking did.

This is really testing the boundaries of what one considers a “game.” Picking a porn movie name out of a hat was already the bare minimum of gamification, but flipping a coin before you fuck to decide who gets to be on top? Your audience is presumably lovers trying to have fun, not a couple of 8-year-olds settling a bunk bed dispute. And if you’re writing for a reader who considers flipping a coin an idea, do you really want to leave something as ill-defined as “dominant position” in the hands of their imagination? If grandma calls heads, there is a 100% chance she’s going to take this too literally and peg grandpa’s ass berries into jam.

You want me to put together a homemade dick instruction manual? Motherfucker, did you just suggest I draw someone a homemade dick instruction manual!? If you handed your wife a sick rat and said, “For your rotten asshole, you fat monster,” it would be met with the exact same result as a lovingly presented hand-drawn boner manual. If the police found this, they would declare the seventy stab wounds in your corpse an accident and give your widow a medal. Goddamn it, Hugh. Draw your genitals and label where to touch them? It’s like you want us to know you’re dating a second grader but you’re too cowardly to say, “#126: Draw and label that sweet hog on your lover’s alphabet flash cards!”

So you want us to sit naked in plaster as part of a multi-step advanced crafting project so we can eat a chocolate vulva after sex? It’s almost incredible how this spoils every single joy in life. Eating, hobbies, fucking… they all become smeared in misery and sculpting chocolate. And where is the game? Do we roll an 8-sided die to see who breaks the silence to ask, “What have we become?”