Your New Damsel Fetish 🌭

I delve into troublesome YouTube channels like dwarves dig into the accursed earth. It’s not a matter of if my meddling will uncover a monster, but when, and how many subscribers the Balrog will have. I’ve so utterly fucked the YT recommendation algorithm now that half of the things it thinks I’ll like are surrealist toddler videos and the other half are abduction pornography. And sometimes it’s both!

This here is an entire channel dedicated to fans of Damsels In Distress, or DIDdlers. Do they proudly call themselves that, or did I make it up to insult them? You don’t know, and unless you criminally compromise your search history, you never will! 

At first glance, this isn’t so bad. The channel makes me a little sad for the squandered potential of humanity, just like everything else on the internet, but really it’s just bondage for people who somehow haven’t heard that word yet. It’s like the My First Playset for rope fetishes. I hate it, but you kind of have to assume it exists. But let us dig deeper, for there are gems to find and the Balrog is just a legend, you fools!

The channel is solely focused on kid’s cartoons, and that’s sort of understandable when it features stuff like this:

Right, Harley Quinn tying Catwoman up has its own genre page on PornHub. Having a softcore version of it so you high-risk dangerwank at work only makes sense. But uh… there are a lot of these clips.

Oh no.

No.

I meant A LOT.

The account spans nearly a decade and hosts thousands of videos.

The tone of sexual obsession absolutely changes when you buy in bulk. Got a couple dozen weirdly specific porn clips saved? That’s called “being prepared.” What if the internet goes down and you absolutely must masturbate to Overwatch cosplay? You need a virtual boner bug-out bag. Cross that terabyte line though, and there’s no coming back for you. At some point it stops being a sexy collection and starts being the research folder for a serial killer manifesto. 

Much of the DID channel features provocatively drawn adult women bound up like this:

Oh shit, I recognize that clip! That’s from the Police Academy cartoon! 

Wait, there was a Police Academy cartoon? And you knew about this, brain?! Did you think you could hide it from me? We will discuss an apt punishment later. Right, I was saying:

Having a thing for busty cartoon ladies in sex-adjacent scenarios is understandable — it’s a little weird that you’re jerking it to Police Academy but god and Moses Hightower know that I can’t throw any stones on that front. But here’s one I remember from the Problem Child cartoon and — really, brain? You tried to bury this one, too? Somebody’s getting the dust-cleaner fumes later. The storebrand kind.

Anyway, this clip from the Problem Child cartoon is where things start to stray: 

That girl looks a little young. And that janitorial closet looks a bit too filthy for a child to go entirely unmurdered in. The implications here are troubling. Maybe it’s about the rescue in this case, though — I can see a fetish about women with huge asses using them like battering rams to save captives. I’m actually into that. I’m actually way into that.

This is from Adventures in Odyssey, and now there’s an actual child involved. Also that woman is in no way erotically drawn or posed. There’s nothing inherently sexy here, so it has to be about the abduction itself, and that’s… troubling.

There is no acceptable sexuality in this. Those waddling Lego figurines barely register as human, and I can think of zero scenarios where it’s okay for a magical mannequin to powerwade out to a boatbound captive woman-bot and start tonguefucking her mouthgag. So this whole thing, it’s not about the people at all. Right?

Right.

Gotcha. All right. Do the YouTube comments confirm this is exactly what I think it is?

Yes, they do. They always do. 

Maybe it’s a one-off thing?

Could be a one-off thing.

It’s not a one-off thing.

And the comments, are they as terrifyi-

Yes, they are.

I could go to therapy for years and never find a better way to communicate my feelings about this than, “thang you stop.” But okay, well, I know furries are a pretty harmless thing, and they’re probably a thing in the first place because of shows like this — when you draw a sultry-eyed dino lady in an evening dress maybe we can’t act surprised when the internet celebrates her being chained to a wall. And if you take special care to give your foxlady some ass, I guess we should’ve expected the internet to unzip when you threw her in a trunk.

So that cements a few things about the sensibilities of this channel. Namely that: It has to be specifically about children’s cartoons, it is a sexual thing, the sexuality does not come from anything resembling consent, and in fact much of the allure comes from how apparent it is that the victims are going to be murdered. Like so:

I know Filthy Janitor’s Closet is a part of your Jerkoff Mise En Place, but the tone of this image is absolutely not “playful distress” and absolutely is “oops, this Czech horror film I’m watching might be real.” Those kids are probably not of legal age, and they are definitely not long for this world. 

With all of that in mind, including this clip from Donkey Kong, Jr. in your Sexy Abductions YouTube Channel:

Is going to land you in the most embarrassing jail. The one they only use for people who molest the animatronic robots at Chuck E. Cheese, and Roger Stone.

Don’t worry, you will have so much company…

40 million views! This dude bought a yacht from the money he made capping Remedial Wank Material from Saturday Morning Cartoons. I may have said it before — aloud, and literally every day I wake up to find I haven’t Freaky Friday body switched with a mid-level programmer — but I am in the wrong industry. The real money is in ‘contextless cartoon gagporn,’ just like my guidance counselor said.