Girls X Battle 2

You know those anime games about collecting and sort of phantom-banging schoolgirls? Th-

Hush now, wee Topper. You’ll find your place. Here, say something about RFPs.

More like Ready For Penetration, am I right?!

Topper? Am I right? Buddy? How explicit do you want the following screengrabs to be, Topper? Am I right?

Uh huh.

Cool. 

Anyway, you know those games about collecting and sort of phantom-banging schoolgirls? They’re already the most embarrassing thing to be caught playing this side of a ukulele. The only way they could be worse is if they adopted gacha mechanics and made the whole thing pay to win. Like some sort of schoolgirl store where you could spend real money to force fake girls to pretend to like you more. Just skipping past the whole ‘dating sim’ excuse and using actual in-game mechanics to simulate human trafficking. Hey, that sounds a lot like Girls X Battle 2! 

Mobile gaming is known for its god-awful ads, but usually that just means they promise you an ass when they have no intention of delivering one. Just judging by the commercials, Girls X Battle 2 seems to be downright evil. They’ve built a whole ad campaign on the kind of unabashed anime misogyny you’d normally only find in a Joestar. 

The girls come with body ratings and apparently butt specialties. They pose like they have both scoliosis and intestinal cramping. It seems like with enough prodding you can level them up into full bipedal locomotion though, much like teaching an ape to do human impressions through consistent tasering. 

This is pretty par for the course in anime, where every girl is mostly panty and they cum when you embarrass them. The whole concept of ‘leveling up’ a girl from classmate to girlfriend to wife is a little troubling — implying that any woman not currently found at the end of your dick just hasn’t realized their maximum potential yet — but mostly I’m worried about that baby. It is only being used to hoist those tits up and out like an infant push-up bra. Even if it survives the smothering, it’s now a prop in a mommy fetish that I would pay actual money to never understand. 

Hey, you’re really getting it, Topper! 

One running theme of Girls X Battle 2 ads is that troubled young women come to you for help…

Which you can use for sexual revenge. 

That’s the most incel mentality I can imagine: Even in your fantasies, women don’t actually want you. They only come to you as a last resort, knowing that you equate rescue with fucking harder than Baywatch. 

It’s all about spite and power, and only maybe tangentially related to fucking if she can stay still long enough to convince you she’s a pillow and you’re not too full of Dorito to be horizontal for 90 seconds.

Girls X Battle 2 ads repeatedly hammer this message, just like you’d be doing to Stacy Williams, who called school security on you for masturbing through the slots in her locker, if only she would first contract a dangerous new plague and discover you’re the only one who’ll take her in now.

Here we have a Level 30 SchoolDamsel being chased by what I can only assume are a gang of Level 60 FuckPolice. She takes a turn to find the player blocking her way, and then comes what this audience longs for: That precious moment when a vulnerable young woman’s future is in your hands, and you can exploit that power for a peek at feet.

So in this fantasy, the only way you’ll get to sex is if you first harbor a dangerous fugitive in exchange for it? How little do your own imaginary women want to fuck you when you have to accomplice yourself in hypothetical crimes just to lick their old panties?

That’s what BarutoSTANx69 said when he tasted them briny britches!

The choices these ads present make BioWare’s moral dilemmas look like Season Four of The Wire. 

Here you see your wife flirting with a Level 30 Dude while you, a mere Level 1 Man — a cuttingly apt description of an incel if I’ve ever seen one — huddle around the corner. Your only responses to this scenario are to fight back, or utterly give up on life.

So you can either lose yet another scrap to a waistcoated fop in a bathroom, or just wait until your wife leaves with him before drowning yourself in the toilet. Again, these games are built around sexual fantasies. This is the least dignified fetish since Human Pigging. 

Sorry, Topper. I meant Lolli Vore.

Here we see what happens when you get dumped: 

Your options are “succumb to alcoholism” or “capsule” to get another girl, aka the Bill Cosby method. Yes, Capsules. Did you forget this was a mobile game? I mean, the ads sure did, but if I had to guess at the mechanics they’re so desperate to hide from you, the player they’re trying to get to play this game, it seems to be both gacha and card-based:

That’s two gambling mechanics fucking you, instead of just one! That’s as close to a threesome fantasy as these defeated dorks will allow themselves! 

So it seems like gameplay takes one of two paths: You can try to get girls the old fashioned way, by finding them in periods of extreme distress and positioning the prospect of having sex with you as marginally better than dying in a gutter. Or you can skip all that and fulfill the ultimate anime nerd fantasy: purchasing your girls straight from a vending machine! Or rather, you purchase the possibility of girls with each random card draw, sort of like the opposite of Magic: The Gathering.

Or hell, you might get a car instead. Both are equally valuable commodities. 

Here’s the closest thing the ads give us to a villain. It is an unattractive woman.

She has committed both of the ultimate sins: Not only is she unappealing to you, but she also doesn’t want to sleep with you after you proposition her anyway. It’s once again time for coin-based revenge!

Yes, you’ll show that cow once and for all… by purchasing a teenager from an orb like a sex trafficked Pokemon.

Obviously everything about that last sentence is a problem, but let’s set it aside to address the real issue here: This game is proud that it’s Pay to Win! You’re not supposed to admit to P2W at all, game! Much less advertise it like a feature! 

I guess I get the dream you’re pitching to your audience, which is that money can buy you coolness, but if that’s true you have to tell Elon Musk. He is dying out there. 

In this one we find the ultimate male fantasy:

Your dad explodes in coins like he just touched a spike at the end of Green Hill Zone, and your totally unearned riches instantly graduate you into the coolest of all things: A low level police officer. You are instantly so overwhelmed with pussy that you’re cursed to drag a literal chain of women around like you wished for some tail from an ironic genie.

If the purpose of art is to help you better understand a part of what it is to be human, then I’m going to present you with the best possible art. 

This one short animation explains absolutely everything about incel culture with not a single frame wasted. People have written entire textbooks trying to make sense of that movement, and they were just fucking dunked on by a six second gif from a mobile game.

One which I will now have to play. I think I’ve — hold on. Topper, been a while since you said anything. You paying attention?

GRRREAT! 

I think I’ve been fully briefed by these ads. I am ready to start this game, which I assume to be like playing a visual novel that learned to hate. I fully expect that downloading this onto my phone will give it viruses, and taking it into my brain will corrupt my thinking like a Snowcrash hack. Let’s get started:

What the fuck? 

Did I download the right game? This is not at all what I was promised. Is this just a JRPG with anime sluts? That’s so ordinary it’s almost redundant! There’s nothing in here at all about revenging myself upon women whose very existences reject me. Unless that revenge comes in the form of putting a Skankmage in the front row where she’ll take damage meant for a Tankwhore. 

Admittedly, this still sucks — it’s like a very embarrassing Suikoden meant for kids who can’t get past the Family Filter on their internet. 

But I have seen anime before. This is like a 4 on the Anime Embarrassment Scale, somewhere between Darling in the Franxx mech-handjobs and Kemono Michi hellhound ass-huffing.

Sure, Girls X Battle 2 is full of unfortunate phrases like ‘EXP JUICE’ and ‘GIRL SHARDS’…

Which makes it sound like Xenogears for budding serial killers, but at its heart the game is just a basic tactics RPG with, if anything, less prominent titties than usual:

It’s like Final Fantasy for 13 year olds to masturbate to, which is crazy, because that’s what Final Fantasy is for. It’s like that gacha Fire Emblem game, only exclusively marketed to incel terrorists. I realize no mobile game is allowed to have a truthful or accurate ad campaign, but this is backwards. You’re supposed to promise something epic and deliver something unexpectedly boring, not promise misogynist propaganda and then deliver ahegao Chrono Trigger. Unless… is Girls X Battle 2 trying to rope in an audience already susceptible to hate groups, and then soften their views with adorable girl-sprites casting saucy fireballs? Is this actually an outreach program trying to teach hate-weebs to cum harmlessly?!

Hey, there he is! Take us out, Topper. You know what I want to hear.

I have much worse anime shit than this in my arsenal, Topper. Say it. Or do you want to just start right in on Apocalypse Zero?

Brought to you by a Hot Tip from the Hot Dog Tipline. Thanks, Valriuk!