WikiHow: How to Overcome Lust

“Do you want to fuck them? Do you want to fuck them all? It’s up to you whether or not you fuck the whole world. But I’ll warn you now: You’ll have to work very hard not to.” 

That sounds like the introductory narration to a banned porn parody of Conan the Barbarian. It sounds like the start of a dangerous manifesto posted to a Reddit hatesub by a man whose bodypillow just left him. That’s the shoddy translation at the start of Emmanuelle 17: Emmanuelle in Space that launched a million very confused boners in 1987. But no, I just slightly rephrased the introductory paragraph of WikiHow’s “How To Overcome Lust”:

“How to Overcome Lust” does not know horny like you or I know horny: To its author, every single boner is a biological weapon out to destroy, at the very least, your life. At the very least!

This person has some absolutely insane ideas — not only about how to overcome lust, but about what might cause lust, and certainly about the magnitude of tsunami that will arise if an awkward kid thinks about fucking once near a pool. This author knows one thing for certain: every single person alive is a sexual werewolf, and every ass is a full moon.

So here, you sexual werewolves, let’s learn to defeat the genitals not just in our pants… but in our minds.

Listen, I know this is a religious thing. For a lot of people, sex and shame are all wrapped up together like the grossest Combo, but I’m telling you this article goes beyond that. You’re hoping to stay chaste? Simple:

Don’t drive on highways, you whore. 

Because of the steady vibration, I guess? If you’re driving on rumble strips because Jesus left roadcumming out of The Bible, you are going to have a very hard time explaining to a jury why you killed that cyclist. This is not the widespread societal problem you think it is, author of “How to Overcome Lust.” Nobody’s taking Smooth Ave. because it’s just been repaved and they know it’s like the graham cracker of streets now. Housewives do not sit in their CR-Vs dreading a detour onto Martin Luther King, Jr. Boulevard because they know the city doesn’t maintain it and all the potholes are like getting reamed by a pavement golem. 

This is your very specific, very insane kink and the fact that you put “don’t fuck highways” at Tip #1 sets the wackiest tone for the rest of this article. If most women orgasmed just from taking the American highway system, I feel like Van Halen would have told me about it by now.

Don’t want to have sex for religious reasons? Find a different religion! 

This is how a shitty AI would solve the problem of religious abstinence. It’s assuming so many crazy things about people that anybody who has met people would immediately recognize as untrue. “People are very attached to religion, but it doesn’t matter which type. Catholicism won’t let you jam? Just switch to The Handlers of the Secret Virgin and it could be your turn to fuck Savior David every third Saturday!”

This author talks about having sex like 12 year olds talk about karate battles. Surely, karate will be everywhere you go. You must be prepared for karate at all times, you must have a karate plan. Lady, if you have to strategize how not to fuck an entire Quizno’s every time you go out for lunch, proper game theory is not your issue.

If you have a problem with looking at butts too much, try not to look at butts. Solid advice! Phrased in the weirdest, most obscure way I can imagine. “Bounce your eyes” takes more time to say than “look away,” with the additional factor being that you have to explain what the fuck you’re talking about every time you say it, and while you’re doing that little Jareth has already stuck his dick in the Chuck E. Cheese robot and needs the fire department again.

That’s… that’s terrible advice. If you feel yourself being overcome with lust, just make heavy eye contact with the person you want to bang? That’s not going to deter anybody, unless you’re being a total creep about i-

Oh, okay. Yeah, if you get unspeakably horny just preemptively ruin all your chances with everyone around you! That’s a hot tip. If you’re worried about having sex, just wear a Pennywise mask and loudly quote posts from the Joe Rogan Experience forum. Nobody wants to fuck that except for Joe Rogan, and I hear he’s a surprisingly tender lover.

Or it’s a good way to start an orgy. Didn’t the introductory paragraph promise to address not only the concerns of the micro-horny, but also the macro-horny? Telling a crowdfucker to seek out groups is a surefire way to turn this church study group into the subject of Pastor Ted’s next passive aggressive sermon. 

Wait, this can’t just be me. It looks like those people want to fuck, right? Maybe it’s because the suspension on my station wagon is shot and I’m all horned up from the grocery run, but those drawings look way more fuckly than the earlier ones. Right?

Not if your grandmother was a nasty freak and hold on, this is the picture for that entry???

There is nothing “friendly” about that image. If they were friends before, they’re not going to be after the things they’re doing to one another’s holes beneath that Denny’s table. They’ll have to leave town. Ordering a Moons Over My Hammy during toe penetration is a shame you don’t live down. So I’ve heard. From a friend. 

Former friend.

Something fucking crazy is happening with the art in this guide. I think the artist openly rebelled halfway through this stupid article and just drew everybody clearly trying to fuck each other, if not actively fucking each other just out of frame. This is the actual art for “Do Not Touch Them.” I didn’t cut any text. I did not photoshop that lollipop into his hand. The lollipop was never mentioned and yet it changes everything.

Are you kidding me? According to every movie ever made about an all-girl school, that’s where you go to learn how to make a girl cum without alerting a nun. If you can’t control your lust, join the military? The military is the single horniest place I can think of. Everybody fucks in the armed forces. People join the military just to bang in different parts of the planet. Half of the reason we have a military is to run a never-ending fuck tour of the globe. It’s like psychological warfare through drunken boning. On top of upending everything in your life, joining the army in the hopes of never having sex again is like joining the army to help people: Somebody is going to exploit your laughable naivete to fuck you, and it honestly would be your best case scenario if I meant that literally.