Welcome to Reflecting Day! The one day a month we’re free to drop the punchline shield and just be earnest and honest with you. Free to wax philosophical about the state of the Hot Dog (strong), and occasionally dive off into tangents (long and weird) that confuse and alienate our readers (sexy; you). I’ve got one prepared about how the Internet should have never moved on from the GIF stage, and the ability to see and hear people in real time is directly responsible for the downfall of western civilization. But there’s no time for that today! Today we have to be all business, because we have a lot of business.
First and most importantly, let’s welcome our new Hot Dog Supremes:
Ken Paisley: The Shogun of Slam, the Daimyo of Damn, the Tenno that’s a straight ten, yo.
Dr. Awkward: The 5th dentist when they say “4 out of 5 dentists recommend Crest.”
Benjamin Sairanen: The hidden secret face unlocked when you beat Mount Rushmore.
Jamie Gordon, who was not listed in the UFO papers and would like for it to stay that way.
Doug Redmond, Voted “Most Likely to Actually Be a Shark” by Suspicious Anchovy Magazine.
Thank you, and welcome. I believe you’ll find the status this new title grants will bring you everything you’ve always felt missing in your life. And if I’m wrong, what are you gonna do about it? At any point in my day I know eight really good hiding places and I’ve seen Jackie Chan kill a man with furniture seven hundred different times.
Hey we’ve hit over 1500 patrons! I’ve lived in multiple towns smaller than that. If it comes down to one huge group fistfight between this community and Port Orford, Oregon – we could take them!
We should take them.
But that’s another Reflecting Day. Because today we need to talk about big updates to the site!
We are changing up the tiers. Your beloved tiers! Don’t worry, if you’re already a Hot Dog, you are only getting more.
Hot Dog Hero
The $10 Hot Dog Champion tier used to only offer Discord membership. Now we’re dropping Discord membership into the $5 Hot Dog Hero Tier! If you’re already a Hot Dog Hero, check or start a Discord account. You are now part of the most exclusive club this side of that weird Yale one that fucks gourds in the woods every full moon. You know, the one every president and CEO belongs to? Our Discord community has always been healthy, active, and able to lift seven times its own bodyweight in the Clean and Jerk. Now you’re a part of it, and you can say all those things you’ve always wanted to say to our faces. Well, avatars of our faces.
Hot Dog Champion
The $10 Hot Dog Champion tier is now getting access to our new Meat Party Discord channel, where you can talk with Seanbaby and I while we host events in the Grand International Meat Ballroom every other weekend. We’ll watch movies with you that will almost certainly be terrible, we’ll play games with you where we’ll almost certainly do terribly, or we’ll do livestreams where you can judge our terrible dancing! That’s what the kids do now, right? They just dance and eat ass, pretty much?
Hot Dog Appreciator
There’s a new $20 tier! This one grants you access to our Untubed Sausage channel, where we’ll post all of our behind the scenes stuff: cut content, scrapped ideas, fun facts about the making of our columns. You’ll get a look behind the curtain at the Hot Dog team, hear snippets culled from the Dogg Zzone 9000 podcast, and we’’ll even do special exclusive mini-podcast episodes just for this tier! At this level or above, you’re also going into our T-shirt club! As long as you’re a member for at least three months before shipping, you’ll get a free yearly T-shirt exclusive to this tier. That design won’t ever be for sale, and there will be a new one annually. That makes these T-shirts several orders of magnitude rarer than diamonds, so each one will obviously be the most valuable thing you own. You may want to invest in a good T-shirt safe. Please rest assured this T-shirt will be of an extremely badass nature. For example…
I’m not saying that’s the first year’s T-shirt; I’m not saying that’s NOT the first year’s T-shirt — I’m just saying we do rad shit and I can prove it.
That’s our new site art, and the work of the amazing Michael Vincent Bramley, who operates exclusively in the medium of awesome stuff that blasts your eyeballs out of the back of your stupid head. You can find more of his work here, and you’d better hurry: the value of an artist’s work skyrockets after they die, and Michael lives every day like it’s Free Knife Day at the Monster Truck Rally.
Look at that beautiful monstrosity! That’s my actual motorcycle, ramping out of that explosion! That’s Lydia’s precious harpoon gun, which you’ve heard so much about! Those are Seanbaby’s real tits! Look how Michael completely nailed the weary skepticism in the eyes of the Jason Pargin head-in-a-jar! Each of those little scenes up there represents a day’s theme — from the rainbow-surfing owl of Learning Day, to the animorphing wizard of Nerding Day, to the orphan-destroying robot of Fucking Day. Oh wait, that’s Upsetting Day. Sometimes the days bleed together, like huddled orphans who don’t want to die apart.
God damn it, there’s more?!
We’ve got a new bonus day! This one is called Hot Dog Appreciation Day, and it will happen every other week. It’s all about the fans. We’re going to try to stay out of your way here, because this day is yours: We’ll highlight some of the awesome interactions you have, the best of your comments, and the insane things you bring us in the tipline. There will even be prizes!*
*Prizes have no legal, emotional, or sentimental value.
And if giving you your very own special day also gives us slightly more time to write, because we started this site thinking we were going to do a few hundred words a few days a week, but it turns out we keep writing multi-thousand word epics about assfucking and karate games, each packed with dozens of images, gifs, and custom-made comics – well, that’s just a coincidence and is not grounds for a class action lawsuit. Please don’t try.