Upsetting Day: Poopsie Slime Surprise 🌭

To explain to you what Poopsie Slime Surprise is would require me to understand them, and I can’t even pretend to do that. For some reason, around six months ago YouTube thought I might be interested in a video of cartoon unicorns in diapers and crop tops singing about how much they enjoy shitting. This is not the worst thing YouTube has ever recommended to me, and since it was not a man yelling about the Star Wars, I clicked it.

I became obsessed with understanding Poopsie Slime Surprise. What was it? Where did it come from? And most importantly, what rules and principles dictated its universe?

At its most basic, Poopsie Slime Surprise is a toy for children that allows them to feed a large plastic unicorn a bunch of chemicals, then rock it back and forth for a few minutes, then push its heart-shaped belly button to get it to take a big, slimy dump from its heart-shaped butt hole into a toilet that comes with it. Perfectly normal toy, right?

What baffles me is not the shitting unicorn, but the shitting unicorn’s many accessories, which seem to imply a wider Poopsie world. To understand the Poopsie universe, I first turned to the lyrics of their music video, which now has over three and a half million views on YouTube (comments are disabled though, no idea why). For some reason, Lyrics.com didn’t have the lyrics on file but don’t worry; I took the time to transcribe them myself.

It goes on, but there’s so much to unpack here. How does one “get loopy” off their Poopy? What could that possibly mean? Does it mean that they’re just so jazzed to have gotten the opportunity to poop? They live for the fleeting moments they’re shitting so much that it makes them loopy when that joyous time finally arrives? Or do they, like, get high off their own poop? I have to ask. What else could get loopy off my Poopy possibly mean?

Ok, so this is the other element that really rounds out the Poopsie universe. The one thing the unicorns love other than poop is brands. They use parody law to take iconic fashion brands like Marc Jacobs and turn it into Fart Jacobs, which would make sense if little kids had any idea who Marc Jacobs was. Otherwise, who is that joke for? All this does is create a generation of children who will grow up to one day discover Marc Jacobs and go, “Lol, that sounds just like Fart Jacobs from the Poopsie Slime Surprise dolls. Remember how fucked up those were?”

If you’re at a place no one can hear you, here’s the Poopsie Slime Surprise song in the only context that could make it worse.

It’s not just designer fashion labels that Poopsie Surprise parodies. They imagine a world where all food could be poop as well. You’ve got Caca-Cola, and for the weight-conscious slime shitting unicorn, Diet Caca-Cola. There’s also Poopsi, Whif Creamy Poop-Nut Butter, Rad Bum Energy Drink, Cacafina water, Dr. Pooper, Poozza Hut, In-Then-Out Burger, Poopda Express, Wipe Castle. I could go on.

It feels like some of these names were written by a comedian, and some were written by the boss’s nephew Kyle. In-Then-Out and Wipe Castle, I respect, but Starbucks, for instance, is just Barfbucks. Monster is Poopster, Arby’s is just Poopy’s in the Arby’s font. Again, I have to wonder what child wants to play with a parody of Monster energy drink? I mean, a friggin rad one who’s too busy doing sweet wheelies to follow FDA guidelines, I guess? That has to be the target demographic, right? Children made uninhibited by neglect and chemicals?

Monster isn’t the only less-than-kid-friendly drink in the Poopsie universe. They also have straight up alcohol for babies.

Yes, that is a play on Rosé all day. Can you imagine the uproar if all of a sudden Barbie came with a tiny little forty of Colt 45 and an itty bitty roll of duct tape so she and Ken can play Edward Fortyhands? We should at least hold poop monsters to the same standards.

Maybe the slime-shitting unicorns aren’t meant to be role models for the children? Perhaps the creators reverse engineered all of the fast-food into this world by asking themselves, “Why do these unicorns shit so much?”

“Oh well, they must have terrible diets, right? They’re, I guess, babies? Because they wear diapers, but also they are slamming fast food all day and washing it down with Monster energy drink and booze. That is the backstory for why the unicorns must constantly shit, and it’s simply the ritual derived from their natural habits of living like garbage that make them love shitting so much. Oh, God. They’re not babies at all. They’re full-grown adults who wear diapers because their diet necessitates it.”

I scoured the Poopsie Slime Surprise Instagram account in search of a vegetable, and all I found was this tribute to the death of Ruth Bader Ginsberg. This is real:

It seems kinda weird to memorialize a Supreme Court Justice catty-corner from a Poopnos big gulp spilling over with green diarrhea, but Poopsie can’t help but celebrate the death of any form of law.

“What if the shitting unicorns aren’t an aspirational toy for young girls but more of a cautionary tale?” I started to think. They could be a ghoulish parable of avarice. I decided to look for evidence this was MGA Entertainment’s thinking when they made these asshole-birthed dolls.

It turns out in 2019 there was a legal dispute between MGA and fashion brand Louis Vuitton over a poop-shaped Pooey Puitton toy purse from the Poopsie line. In their legal complaint against Vuitton, MGA said, “The use of the Pooey name and Pooey product in association with a product line of ‘magical unicorn poop’ is intended to criticize or comment upon the rich and famous, the Louis Vuitton name, the LV marks, and on their conspicuous consumption.”

Yeah, that’s right. This poop purse is activism. MGA is teaching children how ridiculous these so-called high fashion brands are through their seething parody. Chanel number 5? More like ChaSMELL number 2 amIright? Apple Bottom jeans, more like Apple BUTT jeans, hahaha.

(Editor’s Note: I want to do one. Salvatore Ferragamo? More like Save Tony He Fell in Da Goddamn Toilet! While I’m here, this poop article came together pretty well, Liddy. I’m having a nice time, and really learning a lot. – Sean)

(Editor’s Note: I should get in on this. Gucci? More like Poo-cci. That’s not Armani, it’s Fartmani. Buttberry, Fartier, oh no it’s in my brain. Sebastian Pee-or. I hate the thing I’m becoming. Yves Taint Laurent. -Brockway)

Except that if they are skewering the fashion brands by associating them with their terrible toys, it seems kind of weird they have Poopsie Slime Surprise Halloween costumes. What child is like, “Mother, I want to be the horrible shit unicorn for Halloween? May I borrow a bottle of Rosé to complete my costume? A six-pack of Red Bull will do if you don’t have one.”

It’s hilarious that MGA knew putting a grown child that can use the toilet in a diaper and a crop top was bad, so they just kind of stuck a picture of the unicorn on a dress, and that’s the whole costume. For a human child to get any closer to being a Poopsie slime surprise doll would be illegal.

So, since it seems unlikely the Poopsie dolls are meant to be horrible, gluttonous commentaries on American consumerism, what ARE they? Again at a loss for answers, I decided to look closer at MGA’s history in the toy world aaaaaand it kind of explains everything.

MGA is the company that owns BRATZ dolls, and they seem to keep Mr. Beaning themselves into weird sexual situations with their toys. Concerned parent groups have complained about BRATZ for years for dressing too provocatively so when MGA developed the LOL Surprise! toy line, they were very careful to dress the dolls more conservativ…oops, sorry no. They put them in full dominatrix gear.

The LOL Surprise! Dolls are supposed to surprise and delight children by developing new patterns on their bodies when dipped in water, and I’m sure whatever Mom pulled out a doll in Florida juice bar pasties was effectively surprised. Parents were not happy with this, but MGA didn’t give a shit.

Later the same year, they released the first male LOL Surprise! Dolls, and this time the surprise was a whole ass dick and balls. That’s right; they suddenly decided to make their dolls anatomically correct. Warning, doll penis incoming:

MGA responded to parents upset by the surprise dick by saying, “We currently have a notification on all packaging, website, and product retail pages that states the LOL Surprise! Boys are anatomically correct. After all, human beings are naturally anatomically correct.”

Ok, sure, but like, why just the boys? You may be shocked to learn that women also have genitals. The female LOL dolls have featureless holes between their legs like they’re rubber ducks. They have all the anatomical correctness of a liferaft emergency. Plus, the female dolls don’t come with the same warning of bad-idea genitals the male dolls do.

It seems like a pretty weird inconsistency to insist your male dolls must have their glorious ding dongs because, after all, humans are anatomically correct, but then when it comes to your female dolls, it’s “I’m sorry, what is a Laybeeah?”

This is not a feminist rant about doll dicks. It’s just another example of strange, inconsistent, poor decision making on MGA Entertainment’s part. Even the Poopsie surprise line has its own scandal!

They had a joke milk carton of 2% milk with a parody of a missing child poster on it, and already that joke is, WOW, dark, but they included a phone number on the carton that led directly to an active sex line. Can you imagine being the phone sex operator and getting a call about missing poop? You frantically google sexy poop detective to find, oh god, so many results.

These incidents led me to finally understand my questioning of Poopsie Slime Surprise is futile. It’s a shitty doll. Literally in both the sense that it shits and how it does not work very well. Consumers reported that it gets gummed up with slime easily, sometimes to the point where slime pours out of the unicorn’s mouth. The toy, without exaggeration, is so bad it shits out its own mouth while children try to play with it.

I will never get answers because there are no answers. Kids think poop is funny. It’s a unicorn that poops. Don’t look for meaning in the chaos. Just play with your unicorn shit.

You should follow Lydia on Twitter!

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This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme, Pauli Poisuo: who also poops when you squeeze him, but it is not cute. Well, it’s a little cute.