Yes it is my pleasure to take another turn driving this Hot Dog boat for a bit. I have been thinking on what I might share with all of you what is interesting and enlightening. I thought I might share more about the culture and folklore of my current dwelling place which: I don’t want to get too specific but let’s just say I have lots of neighbors of the mormon persuasion. Turns out they’re mostly about as nice or as not nice as anybody else depending on the day and did you return their ladder in the same condition you borrowed it. Now I ain’t terribly godly or ungodly myself but I been learning more about their history and there I think is some pretty interestin things which i will now share with you all from me to you.
Well after Charmaigne McNabb died and there wasn’t anybody else would work the library on a volunteer basis they just closed the local library down. They said the school has one but I can’t exactly access that as a non-child, so I am mostly depending on the county BookMobile which comes to the park once a week in the summer and then kinda just depends on if the roads are clear for the rest of the year. I guess they don’t have much money either cause I’m not seeing a lot of new books and I been asking every week do they have the new Tom Clancy (Netforce: Kill Chain: A Novella) but no, it looks like its mostly used books what have been donated and theirs LOTS of Mormon-type books and videos and such in there, like the church did some cleaning recently.
So i checked one out entitled The Miracle of Forgiveness, it didn’t have much of a cover to speak of if i’m honest i mostly picked it cause it was wrote in 1969 and I thought LaRene might get a chuckle out of that.
I thought Spencer looked a little familiar but here is a nice young woman explaining that no, Yoda wasn’t about him.
Well reading it was mostly what you’d expect from an older time mormon book like don’t touch yourself that might end up in… well here’s what he said:
Which even i know is a outdated attitude and i showed LaRene and we both shook our heads and said that is just ignernt and disappointing. If Spencer had met Kenzie and Rose down the road I bet he’d never say that, but I kept reading and this part when i saw it i just about got a chill down my whole body:
Now i don’t know if you know this about me but I been a aficionado of Sasquatch (what you civilians might call Bigfoot) lores ever since I was a young feller back in Tumwater and my older cousin Jeff said he saw a bigfoot making a wickerman once out on the sound. We went out there alot tryin’ to see it again and never did but there was some pretty scary times (like once when Jeff made kinda a grunt noise when I was peeing and i just went running before i finished or did up my fly or anything) and I studied on the creature in books as well as “in the field.” So when i saw what Spencer said Brother Wilson there wrote about Smoot recollectin on Elder Patten I knew aright away: we had what Jeff woulda termed ‘a sightin’ and guess what i looked it up and I ain’t the only one what thinks so:
So this was a upsetting revelation to me cause in my head I always pretty much thought Bigfoots would be more like a part of nature: you know, don’t go poking at em or you’ll get what’s coming but if you leave em alone and maybe just watch in wonder from afar they’ll leave you be. But now we got this one saying his mission is to destroy the souls of men so it might sound silly to you but this kinda kept me up at nights even with my CPAP and you might think: it’s fine, it said you can just command a evil Bigfoot to leave, but I have tried that Jesus Name thing i have had mixed sucess (sometimes it works on spiders, but that bird that came down the chimney and one time when that Hawkins kid at the Maverik followed me out to the truck saying ‘you can’t take that many ketchups’, it don’t seem to effect them). So after a few nights of no sleep and going to look in on Trayton sleeping underneath his bed and kinda quaking about what if a Cain should find him in a moment of helpless like this in his genshin impact jammies, i decided i’d keep reading on Mormon Folk lore and see if there was something that might lend me some comfort. I ventually found one that ain’t a book exactly, more like somebodys school project like when I did one on are ghosts real in sixth grade, but this one was like a whole big thing:
All writ up by one Mr. Hector Lee in 1947 and I guess it was so good that some fellow named Dean went ahead and gave him a upgrade on his degree:
And if you don’t know what are the three Nephites well here is a explanation:
So now we have a whole NOTHER group of fellows what are walking the earth and are gonna live forever. Well well that sorta sounds like that other thing isn’t that interestin…
So yep this Lee fellow came up to my neck of the woods and interviewed a bunch a folks about their three Nephite stories like this one:
And that part about they had beautiful long white and gray hair and beards was in just about every story (also that part about the food comes back after they eat it, which I just wish that happened with my breakfast nachos i get at the BonFire Grill). And sometimes there dressed ‘neet’ (I found that some of these olden pioneer folks did not have the Language Arts skills and knowledge like what we have modernly (although i was entrigued by their how and what they pucntuate and, Im trying that out myself now in my academia papers i don’t know if you noticed)) and sometimes it doesn’t say nothing about clothes, and so that made me think and i read and read thru the night and as I read a pattern sorta revolved itself before my minds’ eye:
And Trayton helped me to do a dark web image search but that didn’t seem right did the artist even read the descriptions?:
But yet i persissted and you might laugh but I felt alot like that movie where Highlander is a detective and struggles mightily to put together the clues.
and then it CLICKED almost just like in that movie:
And of a sudden I KNEW what these descriptors minded me of, it was a specific image from that amazon documentary from a few years ago about a fellow Squatch Seeker:
So here is A Theory: what if God knew there was a bad bigfoot what lives forever out tryin to destroy souls? Wouldn’t it be just like Him Everlasting to set up a sort of counter-force of good amortal bigfoots or perhaps Yetis? The kind what enjoy your food but you still can eat it? And so here is my belief: I am convinced The Three Nephites are honorable sasquatches sent from Him on High here is more suportin evidence courtesy
Master Doctor Lee:
Get Up Rite Now and Dress Your Self
Well i couldn’t make nothing out of that but gratefully Doctor Lee P.HD has typed it up for us:
Now this to me is a miracle I would really like: if when i was sick (in my case not cause i had 15 kids but more like it just all feels pretty heavy today) a Holy Bigfoot came and said ‘Na Na I don’t care what your Nabers have to say you can be healthy and live as long as you want and also most importantly: but not to go to work.’ And I guess that went pretty well for Sister Bullard:
Holy cow I also am satisfied, this is powerful Squatch Sign right here ain’t no regular man could carry a hunnerd pounds of flour wasn’t even his own it seems.
Well this one I know shapeshiftin’ is generally considered to be more the wheelhouse of the Wendigo. But I figure if Heavenly Father is gonna make a StrikeForce of Righteous Forest Walkers, he might throw ina few extra kindsa wood apes.
This one got me excited maybe I would find my own sasquatch adventure reflected in history!
Oh never mind.
His Mother’s Pie
This is like the time that one April there was a sheep up-rising (on account of the Basque’s left early that year) so I took the old highway instead of the interstate and found a whole unopened thing of Swedish Fish in the barrow pit, but in my ignorance I never thought to maybe thank a Kindly Hairy One for the delicious bounty.
When You Count Topaz That Almost Makes It Come True
Well I don’t know if historically it is worse to count or not count Topaz but could be this is a miraculous prophecy indeed.
Sister Biddlecome and the Caked Breasts
Well this one i didn’t fully understand the issue. I asked LaRene have your breasts ever caked and she said What? And I said did your BREASTS ever CAKE and she just looked at me for a long bit and then said are you saying CAKE? But we both agreed that watching a Chosen Skunk Ape rub larded tobacco on that woman’s suffersome teats must have been a faith-promoting sight indeed.
So some of you Hot Dog Folks reading this you might say: this is old timey nonsense those were a superstitious people and so stupid. And fair enough okay yes these are from long ago, But like that man that Died said what if I showed you One More Thing I researched, this is a Modern Day accounting from another one from the BookMobile called The Big Book of Angels:
Well. Sacred Hallowed Shape-shifting Pie-Teleporting Delta-Prophecying Female-Breast-Tobacco-Rubbing Bigfoot Dudes With Swords. Arrest my case. It is my solem testimony that knowing these things are true has made me sleep just a little bit better at night and I hope the same is true now for you also. But if you still have a worry or so about what if Cain the Bigfoot grows in Power, well don’t fret too much the sun and moon people Brigham Young taught us about will probably help us out if we need them to In the name of jesus christ amen.
6 replies on “Learning Day: Mormon Bigfoots 🌭”
Sissyneck is a genius.
Three things here. Maybe four, I’m shitty drunk right now.
1. Sissyneck is rad. Rad mad dudeical to the outright max. Give em a monthy column. Im from the PNW, and I know authentic frontier gibberish when I see it.
2. BonFire grill at Maverik is awesome. I like the mini beef tacos. *chef kiss*
3. Mormons are good neighbors like a pile of dried manure is a good neighbor. Useful, will work hard, tends to improve their surroundings, but dont dig too deep.
Oh. Point the fourth. Caked breasts probably refers to Mastitis, a condition in which lactating boobies become inflamed and painfully swollen.
Keep it up. That was awesome.
I hope Sissyneck sticks around. He seems like a good writer to handle touchy subjects.
I hope Sissyneck sticks around. He seems like a good writer to handle touchy subjects.
I like the curséd objects you found and the connections you made. It sort of seems that you are not letting your full personality show. Almost like you are wearing a mask because you lack confidence in being you. Said mask is muffling the quality j-j-jokes you are offering.
I think I’m inclined to agree. I kind of flipped past these sissyneck articles because I didn’t like the prose. After giving it a chance though, pretty funny… all that said, this sissyneck gimmick is kind of unique, I guess now that I’ve gotten over my dislike of it I’d be sad to see it go.
Write normally under a different name sissyneck!