Fucking Day: Barn Porn 🌭

Hello to Hot Dog land it is my fortune to once again share from my world to yours. I again have worked to ‘source’ my writin’ content from my local area, in this case I remembered the barn what is right here next to the house and what I found there. 

Now I have learnt in some years of marriage that it is important to distinguish between HOPE and EXPECT (like will you get chicken fried steak for your birthday breakfast for example) so I will say I HOPE that you believe me that this is a real situation and here are photos and scans what I actually did, but I don’t EXPECT that you will hunnerd percent except my word for it. 

I will not include any pictures what could be used to docs me but here we go with a photo re-creation of my special experience. Maybe imagine your playing Myst or something:

So here is the bottom level of the barn (it could use a tidying yes) some of you may discern that it was once a milkin barn, that poster on the left is the ‘1984-1985 Holstein Certified Sires’ – there was some fine dairy semen in those boys you can bet.

And here we have me assending to the second level, that ol Harvester still hays like nobody’s business, tho i don’t work the field myself i just watch Dave do it from my hammock.

And here is if you turned all the way around. Now I am not ashamed to say I am a little spookt here, but I watched Trayton play Fallout enough to know that when you see this sorta thing you just BETTER look behind it…

And what I saw there was better than any amount of bottlecaps. I told Brockway it was almost like I KNEW what I was gonna find and he said it was probably cause I smelt a “odor of decaying paper and secret arousals” and maybe thats true.

But be it odor or precognitizin my ‘spicions were confirmed: we had located some blessed soul from the past’s dirty book cache!

I mean I guess a copy of Red Dragon without the cover is dirty, I don’t know if you really need to hide that one in a barn (is anybody out there touchin themselves to when the grandma says she’s gonna take a scissor to his peepee?), but some of you beastmaster-eyed readers will have spotted the real treasure below…

Yes here we have disuncovered a actual stash of…

…of Barn Porn.  

(revernt silence)

Well I know that this is just so close to a fantasy that maybe many of us have had or had have at some point in our lives so again I’ll say: you’ll believe me that I found pictures of bare-naked women in this barn, or you won’t. In a attempt to balance privacy with verification I have provided what I believe to be proof of this reality to the 1-900-HOTDOG Quality Assurance Dept. 

(ed’s note: included with this submishon, sissyneck sent a blurry, poorly lit photo of what appears to be a nude, whole-bellied man seated on a International Harvester tractor with a Apple Busch Light an a Playboy in one hand and a cracked amazon fire tablet showin the USA Today homepage for August 12, 2021 in the other.  We gone ahead and asked him for a clothed photo that we could run but received only a reply sayin “its this or nothin i veiled my crotch in shadow for you, clothing makes it to easy to deepfake me”).

(I don’t know if I’m allowed to do them metaphysical jokes but I figured I couldn’t hurt to try one).

Now a part a me wanted to just embrace this whole box and run with it but another part knew that with this sort of valuable resource its like a Chorcheezo Breakfast Burrito from the Maverik: its best bite by bite and too much at a time well that leaves us with shame and tummy regret.  So I restrained and just took a barn porn morsel of 4 magazines. Here is what I laid upon my kitchen table once I caught my breath from running out of the barn it was pretty dark and scary in there:

Barn Porn Item #1

Well this is a pretty good cover in the sense that a unsuspecting barn visitor would likely not realize they were ACTUALLY lookin at the October 1973 issue of Gallery Magazine which you might not know: it was started by one of O.J.’s dreamteam lawyers and at first people said it was too much like playboy so they changed the font.

Barn Porn Item #2

So this one I’m not gonna pretend I’m the best internet cold case sleuth but I hope by now to have your trust and that you’ll believe me when I say: I tried hard but can not identify this magazine. I even asked Trayton to help in a sly way like: I looked inside it to see what could be a search term and then said ‘Hey Buddy I heard on a grown-up podcast you wouldn’t like it, about a interesting article called quote marks Betting The Horses Like The Professionals quote marks by, all caps, BARRY L. SHEER, and I wanted to read more about that. Could you help me find it’ but even he couldn’t, so this one will be known hereby in here as UNKNOWN.

And this cover, well why did whoever put this in the barn even take the real cover off? there’s still a clear sex situation right there and the wordage even sort of suggests youve got a Playboy on your hands but nope.

Barn Porn Item #3

Ha Ha!  I guess its a ad that is also a joke it took me a while to figure that out and the October 1973 Penthouse inside is hid real nice.

Barn Porn Item #4

Poor camoflauge work here but I don’t blame em for leaving the cover on, I like my James Bond movies too and as long as you put this one in the middle of the stack maybe and also importantly: I didn’t have to do any forensics work to identify this one.

We all know naked pictures is in no short supply even if you don’t have any barns around, so we are not gonna focus just on the erogenius content. I have propose a number of CATAGORIES for this write-up so that if, god-willing, you ever come across some barn pornography in your own life and maybe you are short on time, for example you just heard the onimous sound of a tractor startin up nearby, you can make a fast, but informed decision about what to grab and run out with, gigglin with delight.

INTERVIEWS

This one is not even close. Now you might say you know its Playboy that is the best that’s why your dad read it, but the Playboy had just the one interview with a fella named Joseph Wambaugh and I don’t know him so let’s just look at what GALLERY offers in this arena:

I sorta remember hearing about how this guy was REALLY hard to find but I guess Gallery didn’t have too much trouble.

Well my mom back in Tumwater had a Oneida silverware set (I don’t think she knew about the free love part of the outfit) and she got mad when we played Stretch with the butter knives but I knew them knives was STRONG and wasn’t gonna get hurt so Mr. Geller here bendin one with just his brain and two fingers is a marvel unto me.

Well I might suggest spending not as much time defending all your Joe movies (don’t click on that one at your job it has almost as many slurs as a 900 Hotdog golden age comic week) but he sure was funny in Young Frankenstein.

Well that’s not a very nice thing for Mr. Mull to say about a little person but moving on: nothing has made me feel more like I’m living in the shattered ruins of a once great civilization than to realize that I bet if you asked hunnerd kids now days what they wanted to be when they grow up? Maybe not even 4 of em would say laser artist.

But I have done like Vanessa Williams taught us and saved the best for last. Holy Cow I would love to have done a time swap with this writer and met this Great Man myself. Although Les did seem to be properly reverent of Mr. Marvin at least his eyes and mustache and smile.  Except I am shockened that Marvin didn’t like Prime Cut. To me that is the best hollywood has EVER done to represent the dark and sexual underbelly parts of the  Kansas City Stockyards (that video is a little better than the last one depending on what kind of office you work in, like if you go fishin with your boss i guess you might open it okay). But if that doesn’t persuade you…what if I told you it was from the director what also did Fletch AND The Golden Child AND its our introduction to Sissy Spacek (no relation) at her most diaphamous AND Gene Hackman and his brother just WRASSLIN AND I don’t think there’s any studio suit-wearin type now days with ‘los pelotos’ to film a car chase between a Combine and a Buick. Well I bet your right now wishin it was on Hulu but it ain’t.

FICTION (EROTICALY)

This one it may surprise you, none of the recovered materials had narrative titillations except for UNKNOWN which to me is a bit of a shame. Visuals is nice and yet there is something about a dirty story (maybe the pacing?) that is of sensual value, to me. So with a grateful heart to the featured writers of UNKNOWN fiction pieces: one Jon Terri, one Barry L. Sheer, and one S. & H. Kane, here are some of the most strikin turns-a-phrases from my fellow words smiths:

All of the carnal impact of the Sidearm but WITHOUT the actual violence.

Strong! Hot! Fuzzy! Soft! Warm! Moist! Brief! A verytable Golden Corral of lushsome adjectives.

Huh well maybe I need to give another listen to Cohens stuff hell maybe hineni hineni is also a sexy periphrase?

I think most of us would care whose butt it was but such is the freedom of fantasy I guess.

I had to look up torrid it says here it means ‘very hot and dry’ or ‘full of difficulty and challenges’ so either way let’s all hope Phil and partner has learned the benefit of commercial lubrications.

Our younger readers may not realize that this was a FULL DECADE before Mr. Loggins sang to us of this very zone and taught Maverik how to ride his Kawasaki Ninja upon the highway into that pretty blond civilian contractor.

Oops this one is from the How to Bet on Horses article my apologys, I think maybe I need to take a break from scannin all this stuff cuz this still seems kinda dirty to me and the lady here at the Staples is lookin at me a lot.

MERCHANDISE

Yes you can maybe guess all of these magazines was happy to try and sell me things, mostly cigarettes and alcohol but also mostly how to pick up women and learn kung-fu. Except I feel like most of us here know all about those thanks to Seanbabys tutorship so here are some others I thought were more uniquely edifyin.

This one is from UNKNOWN and I spose I just liked the mixture of photograph and drawin. Oh and you might see I marked some, that is not because I want to buy those ones (although those are real good prices honestly) thats to remind me to transfer these to my ‘good names for dogs’ notebook.

This one was in Gallery I don’t think even Xaviera knew exactly who might be wearin this, that chain won’t maintain that shape in the wild you know. But I guess if you have achieved total sexual freedom you don’t mind about that.

Considering this one was in Playboy it is pretty tame but I wanted to point out the use of the tiny tea cup is a ‘trick of the oil’, as the french say, to make you think his yellow area is bigger than it is. I know about this because I used to do the same thing when me and LaRene was courtin with some novelty miniature busch light cans I would wash and refill as needed.

I think Penthouse should do these ones again not just for heterosexuals but for anybody thats still in the practice phase, and aren’t we all when you think about it? It would be a nice heads-up I think, like those ‘student driver’ magnets.

HUMOUR

Ok now I think this one you’ll like, we all know this website is not JUST about furthering hot dog technology it is also for humor and some of these magazines its the same thing (except instead of hot dog technology its pornography).

#1 UNKNOWN

Actually this one IS just about pornography except for two articles, the beforementioned article on horse racing, and another on how not to get your car stole.

#2 GALLERY

I feel like humor analyzin should probly be left to our editors but I will attempt my best here: I think a positive is that this jokesman earned this one by including that sign.

Pretty good I think? The only ‘note’ I have is maybe include a image of the mover falling off a chair in shock surprise.

Well if your ‘humor’ is written-down but depends on a ‘voice’ that many people find hard or even tirin to read for very long and maybe needs to be read-aloud or at least read-aloud in your head to come across? Then I just don’t know what to tell you, friend.

#3. PLAYBOY

If your like me your wondering do you have to specificy female when saying pudenda? And I don’t think you do, also who was asking for there jokes back I wonder.

Well I’m gonna guess a million might be a exaggeration here.

No notes!

#4. PENTHOUSE

Well a part of me wants to include this whole ‘Oh, Wicked Wanda!’ comic by Frederic Mullaly and Ron Embleton that was in the Penthouse because, if I might invulnerable for a second here, it is just a really good kinda stew of mine own interests including fine pin-up style art and just lots of little background gags that are funny to me and the whole thing is still pretty sexy and if I ever see a Wicked Wanda collection at the Bookmobile? I am just checking it out I don’t care who sees. But in the interest of time, here is a sample page so you can see if you like it to:

The dialogue I guess is a little weak maybe we can do another kickstarter for Brendan to fix it.

Ok here we are in the home stretch there is just one more part I thought you would be interested to know about, that is how good are these magazines at:

MAINTAIN THE HUMANITY OF THE NAKED LADY MODEL PEOPLE

You know what I mean here? Like maybe where are we on the spectrum from ‘a naked lady is only JUST a sexual object’ to ‘here’s a person with a body that is of sexual interest to me and that is pretty neat that she’s sharing it but also let’s allow for some human complexity and such?’ And I will admit it that as a practicing heterosexual man I am not gonna be your best judge here but maybe I can give a place to start anyway so:

#1 UNKNOWN

It’s all objectification here any kinda bio they have for the models are just sex puns and I sorta doubt virginia is even in the circus.

#2. GALLERY

MAYBE they tried a little bit here cuz this is a pretty wholesome picnic actually and it kinda implicates a nice relationship and we see she maybe enjoys her food, but we don’t get even a name or anything and I have eaten some chicken in my time: this ratio of ‘shredded’ to ‘ingested’ to my eye it appears this is more just staged with a sexual intent.

#3. PENTHOUSE

Well penthouse maybe did a LITTLE better this is the Pet of the Year pictorial and it is intitled “Love Tory” which is a play on Francises political inclinations (rich and British) and you know some say she’s not wrong about that change thing. And they do include a pretty decent chunk of text about her, but most of what we hear is still kinda about how she’s always ready to do sex, maybe even with you, and they do the thing where they ask her about her upbringing but then they put her measurements right next to it so I think we still have a ways to go here.

#3. PLAYBOY

Alright here’s Playboy well before you unfold the page to see the biggest naked lady picture you get this:

Yes here we get some sense theres a interestin rich personhood (Midnight Express is just damn good we are all clear on that I’d say) but I still don’t know what to think here. Maybe you can answer for yourself, do those pictures of her growin up kinda help keep her a real person or is that more gross and weird to put those on the otherside of a picture where she is naked with her bike?  

Well Hot Dog Friends thank you for samplin these barn findings with me, it is my hope that you found even one thing of interest that you might pursue in your own lives be it sexual or secular. There are more Playboys in that box I’m pretty sure, so it may be that we can meet again in these circumstances if I can make sure no-ones in the barn and it aint too scary in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

PS this was also in there: