
Folks: the time has come. Thereâs been discussion of these on the podcast, and on the Discord, and in the martial arts pit Seanbaby lords over on weekends and alternate Fridays. Itâs time for an article-shaped look at a real garment called⊠Kicking Jeans.

Behold that description. And behold this hyperlink! You can visit that web store right now! You can purchase your own pair*, and experience them firsthand**, and toss this blog in a friggin trash can***!
*As of this writing, Kicking Jeans are only available in adult menâs sizes.
**As of this writing, Kicking Jeans are unavailable in every waist size above 29. I wanted to buy a pair and test them in real life and write about that. But I am too big.
***Your computer or phone is dirty now! Ha ha ha. Ha ha!
âKicking Jeansâ are jeans designed for doing regular stuff and doing martial arts. Which martial arts, you ask? âMultipleâ, they reply, because they havenât finished googling âmartial arts style namesâ and need to stall for time.

Kicking Jeans are the Model T of pants. Theyâre from decades ago (the 1970s), theyâre proudly sold in one color (blue), and they make a statement (such as âhi-yaaaâ). But maybe itâs more accurate to call Kicking Jeans the impractical, over-optimistic convertible of pants. From their debut in August 1977, âKickinâ Jeansâ sold themselves as more than clothing. They sold themselves as the gateway to a dream lifestyle.

Special thanks to Shawn Robare and the now-defunct website Branded In The â80s for preserving screencaps of these vintage ads.
âFinally, blue jeans you can kick in.â Finally. Finally! Finally thereâs a product that lets you toggle between walking (boo) and kicking (FINALLY). Do you own a bright red sports car? If you did, you could toggle between obligatory errands and a breezy babe-magnetizing joyride. Kickinâ Jeans make that same promise, in a legs sense. Theyâre not a unique sales pitch. They are a unique modeling task, challenging clotheshorses to achieve âdisco casualâ and âIâm dressed optimally for this pummelingâ within the same magazine spread.

Hey computer: enhance! Because that advertisement features the most squicky word Iâve learned in a long time.

Thatâs right: âgusset.â The word âgussetâ is the central pillar of Kicking Jeans descriptions. Various ads trumpet a âslim gussetâ, âexclusive gussetâ, âhidden gussetâ, and other flashy synonyms for âwe let the crotch out by adding a humongous fabric quadrilateral.â

Iâve read the word âgussetâ a dozen times now. Iâve learned itâs a pants thing. I still feel like it means âturkey genitalia.â
Also, âgussetâ might be the only consistent word in these ads. Even the jeansâ name went through a few rebrands. As you saw above, they changed names when Literally Chuck Norris became their spokesman. Norris repped âAction Jeansâ, and also repped the same product as âKarate Jeansâ. In those ads, Chuck demonstrates the pantsâ ability to encompass the entire adult male yin and yang of âKarate Masterâ and âA Second Guy Incapable Of Relaxing.â

The company also turned to an array of spokeskickers beyond Norris. They hired not one but two Ernie Reyeses.

I know that ad feels dated now. Back in the day, America didnât have Big Government telling Job Creators they couldnât sell Violence Pants to School Children.
Kicking Jeans also hired somebody called âBill âSuperfootâ Wallaceâ to spokesleg.

I wish Iâd learned about this person sooner. He combines DB Cooperâs face with Braveheartâs main characterâs name. For all I know he is immortal and is all three men. Please: let me have that headcanon. I like it. Itâs fun to imagine him kicking open the door of a hijacked plane, shouting a Scottish âhi-yaa.â Also, I need any distraction I can get right now. Whenever my brain idles, it goes full Amadeus on new alt meanings for âgusset.â

Today, Kicking Jeans apparently lack the juice to keep the Celeb Train rolling. But I want to celebrate their modern models (âmod-delsâ?). The new no-names are no less striking. Such as this guy, whoâs trying to strike you with his fists even though heâs already kicking you.

If an action photo of âMr. Clean Trying To Aneurysmâ didnât sell you on these pants, nothing will. This blog is over. And if youâll excuse me, Iâve got a date in Seanbabyâs martial arts pit. I sure hope they start offering Kicking Jeans in my size before the big fight!

Alex Schmidt is a Kickinâ Brained writer, Jeopardy! champion, and creator of the Secretly Incredibly Fascinating podcast.
9 replies on âPunching Day: Kicking Jeans đâ
I love every single thing about the image of Roller Rink Gary kicking Sweaterfro into low orbit. Either Sweaterfro actively leapt tummy first onto his opponentâs foot or Garyâs leg hits with the force of a trebuchet. And yer boy still had the wherewithal to change out of his original sweater, now soaked with digestive fluid from his ruptured abdomen, in order to strike that dreamy come hither pose in the next photo. Thatâs a professional, folks.
I donât see nearly so much moustache on the airborne fella; Iâm not sure thatâs the same dude. I think thatâs his cousin JumperPuff, here to demonstrate that he too has discovered the secret of gussetjutsu and and is prepared to take his revenge.
No way, THE Ernie Reyes Jr? Of TMNT 2 and Surf Ninjas fame? Iâll take 2 pairs for myself (one for formal events, the other for every day use), and 1 each for every member of my immediate family. Thisâll be the best Christmas ever.
So, the two UFC podcasts were to get us ready for the appearance of Bill âSuperfootâ Wallace in a jeans ad, right? Because thatâs the only reason I didnât say âWho the fuck is âsuperfoot?â when I read this.
Genki Sudo vs 13 escaping butterflies should have been the main card. The beauty of that spectacle would unite nations.
I dont have the time to look for this⊠but maybe someone else canâŠ
Somewhere out there is a movie credits role that has a special thank for Kickinâ Jeans.
Was anyone else surprised that Alex isnât a size 29? Lol, I guess Iâm bad at sizing, and to be fair, in my mind when I think of Schmitty the Clam, I always picture him as âThe New Guyâ, so maybe heâsâŠmatured? Since then?
Love ya Alex, and I learned a lot about Water Towers in my morning commute!
âŠgusset
When your advertising copy says:
ââŠthe secret? Itâs in the crotch.â
Thatâs everything I need to know about your product. Here is my money.