I hear a lot of people talking shit about how I can’t write a list anymore, how I only think in single points or in long, borderline-deranged essays about the meaning of modern life. Motherfucker, I’ve been writing internet lists since you were an itch in your daddy’s pants. I can list any of you into the dirt. If I listed any harder I’d fucking capsize. Here’s 15 scenes that definitely happened in fictional universes, only Hollywood didn’t have the balls to film them. Choke on it.
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15. Mafia Goons Discover, Through Trial and Error, How to Decapitate a Horse
If you’ve never seen The Godfather, that’s okay – this is one of the two parts you’re probably familiar with via cultural osmosis. A Hollywood executive, after defying an order from the mafia, wakes to find the severed head of his prize stallion in bed next to him.
That’s funny in its own way, of course, especially if you imagine his maid walking in and saying, “Why the long face?” But we were denied the one scene that would have actually made me watch this film a second time: A couple of mob goons spending several hours trying to chop the head off a living horse, quietly, without drawing attention from overnight stable staff or witnesses.
Every layer of the job would be a bitter, sweaty battle. Rugged hide, dense muscle, tendons as tough as cable, bone as hard as bone. There’s a reason why horse noggins aren’t constantly popping off during rodeos — they’re attached real good. These goombas probably thought they could do the job with a butcher knife and a bow saw, then had to leave halfway through to go break into a hardware store. Still covered in splatters of equine blood, they’d have wandered around the place, arguing about which tools would discreetly decapitate a stallion. Looking at that ragged wound up there, I’m thinking they landed on a hammer and chisel.
Next is the arguably more difficult — and definitely more hilarious — task of making sure this dude is asleep, then sneaking the severed head into the mansion (I guess in a trash bag?), tip-toeing into his bedroom and ever-so-gently slipping it under his covers. Then the goons would have to daintily tip-toe back out, without being heard by their victim or his servants, quietly closing the front door behind them. “Shit!” says one of the goons. “I have to go back up! I left my underwear in the horse’s mouth!”
I’d watch a six-hour Netflix miniseries just about this.
14. Sarah Connor Learns About 9/11 in the Worst Possible Way
It is a scientific fact that there are exactly four hours of enjoyment to be produced from the Terminator premise. And yet, in 2008, Fox decided they could stretch it into a weekly series. Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles ran for just two seasons, but that’s 31 hours of various terminators coming back from the future to take out Sarah Connor and various other terminators helping to keep her alive.
In the second episode, which you can watch on Hulu, Sarah gains the ability to travel through time and leaps from 1997 (just after the events of T2) to 2007, possibly so the show wouldn’t have to waste budget on making everything period accurate (“We have to kill an hour before the terminator returns. While we wait, do you want to watch Veronica’s Closet, Touched by an Angel or Just Shoot Me!? Here, eat your McDonald’s Arch Deluxe. Show me the money!”). But someone in the writer’s room realized this meant Sarah would be jumping into a post-9/11 world and that they’d have to deal with that somehow.
Thus, half way through the second episode, Sarah and her terminator protector visit a character named Carlos and his gang, to obtain some fake documents. They show up at their drug den, complete with vicious pit bulls…
…and Sarah proceeds to sit down with Carlos…
…and one of his badass gangster henchmen:
Carlos says the price of fake documents is now $20,000, because the feds have been cracking down due to the War on Terror. “After 9/11,” he says, “prices doubled overnight.” Sarah Connor replies, “9/11, what’s that?” Carlos and his henchman share a look of disbelief, then we cut away to the next scene, apparently missing an incredible conversation.
Note that these guys don’t know she’s a time traveler. The only possible response to “9/11, what’s that?” would be to assume she’d misheard and just repeat it. There’d then be a whole lot of back-and-forth before they’d be convinced that this woman, who’d have been well into adulthood at the time of the attacks, simply had never gotten the news. They’d much more likely assume either she was fucking with them, or was so mentally unwell that they definitely wouldn’t want to join her in a criminal conspiracy. That’s the kind of conspirator who’d say, “Here’s the $20K you asked for!” and hand over a shoebox full of human toes.
As for how these guys actually reacted, well, I have wonderful news: The show gave us a tantalizing hint. A couple of scenes later, we get a brief flashback to their conversation. We don’t hear the dialogue — it all plays out under a boring Sarah Connor monologue about the apocalypse and fate etc — but while she’s talking, we see Carlos and his gangbanger henchman stand up and act out the 9/11 attacks for their guest.
I would pay substantial money to watch these stereotypical network TV drama gangbangers put on their two-man 9/11 show. How long did this go on? How accurate was their retelling of the events? I distinctly remember how those conversations went in 2007: If there were three people in a room, at least one of them was ready to tell you about the melting point of steel and why faster-than-freefall collapse is impossible.
13. The First Fight Club Meeting, aka Several Random Dudes Pummeling a Mentally Ill Stranger
In Fight Club, the titular club is formed when “Jack” and “Tyler” are fighting in a parking lot, drawing the attention of several spectators:
Then at some point off-screen, the spectators ask to join in. Of course, later in the film we find out that Tyler and Jack are the same guy, and then we get a brief flashback to that event as it actually occurred: Edward Norton, alone, flailing around in the parking lot like he’s swatting away imaginary demons:
What comes next is the part we never got to see: This random group of disaffected males witnessing this, then somehow pursuing a train of thought that ends with them asking this thrashing stranger if they can come over and punch him for a while.
The stranger, already clearly in need of emergency mental health intervention, answers in the affirmative. He then speaks in two separate voices with conflicting personalities, occasionally stopping to consult and/or argue with himself. The spectators are 100% cool with all of this and, from that, an international movement was born.
12. The First Time on the Millennium Falcon That Chewbacca Accidentally Walked in on Han Solo Masturbating
This has to have happened at least once. It was a cramped little ship with two dudes traveling alone for months at a time. “It looks like this time, Han shot first!” Chewy would say in his native language. “Now I know why they call it the cockpit,” he’d continue, making hard eye contact with his co-pilot while Han continued stroking his member. “I guess this is why they call you Solo!” he’d growl, as Han edges closer to climax. “Looks like some tiny astronauts are about to fly out of your Exogorth!” he’d say before falling into silence, his eyes fixed on Han’s as if locked by a tractor beam.
11. The First Time on Their Trip to Mordor That Sam Walked in on Frodo Masturbating
This has to have happened at least once. It was just two dudes, outdoors, traveling alone for at least a month. “Why, Mr. Frodo, it appears us Hobbits do share a fondness for things that grow!” Samwise would say as Frodo took his sweet time stroking his nine inches of manhood. “It appears that Gandalf is not the only one to have acquired a white staff!” he’d continue, unaware that Gollum was watching from the bushes, fiercely aroused. “I suppose the great spider Shelob isn’t the only one who can spew a sicky white stream!”
10. The First Time the Toys in Toy Story Walked in on Andy Masturbating
This has to have happened at least once. It was just those toys and Andy, sharing one bedroom as the boy slowly became a man. “Looks like he’s got a friend in himself!” is what Hamm the piggy bank would say in his John Ratzenberger voice.
9. The First Time Whistler Walked in on Blade Masturbating
This has to have happened at least once. It was just two dudes, living alone in their vampire killer headquarters. “Did I catch your fucker at a bad time?!?”
8. The First Time the Pig in Pig Walked in on Nicolas Cage Masturbating
This has to have happened at least once. It was just Nic Cage and his pig, living in a shack in the woods. “Looks like you’re digging up a mushroom cap of your own!” he’d oink. “I see why John Travolta didn’t want to switch back!”
7. The First Time Gromit Walked in on Wallace Masturbating
This has to have happened at least once. It was just this lonely claymation bachelor, living with his sentient dog. “Why look at that, Gromit,” Wallace would say. “It’s your favorite, peanut butter! And I seem to have accidentally smeared it on my penis!”
6. The First Time Belle in Beauty and the Beast Walked in on Her Sentient Clock Masturbating
This has to have happened at least once. It was just Belle, trapped in the Beast’s castle along with all of his various cursed staff who’d been turned into appliances. “Why look at that,” she’d say, “I guess the time is nine o’cock!”
5. The First Time King Leonidas Walked in on the Other 299 Masturbating
This has to have happened at least once. It was just these 300 Spartans, full of testosterone, out in the wilderness with no privacy. The king would return from his errand early to find his men perfectly in formation, masturbating in a phalanx with military precision. “Why look at that,” he’d say, “it appears that breakfast today is Greek yogurt!”
4. The First Time the Velociraptors Walked in on Chris Pratt Masturbating
This has to have happened at least once to this famous Jurassic World dino trainer. “I guess life, uh, does find a way!” they’d quip in their dinosaur tongue. “If we had a blacklight, this thing would look like a Jackson Pollock painting!” another one would reply, mostly unaware of what he meant. “Maybe we should call you Moanin’ Grady!” one of them would mutter in the back, “which is of course in reference to this iconic character’s name, Owen Grady!”
3. The First Time in Toy Story Andy Walked in on His Toys Masturbating
This has to have happened at least once. The toys surely weren’t perfect in their “lay down and pretend to be inanimate” drill, and any man can tell you that you never let your guard down more than when you’re in the throes of a group hog-crank. One day Andy would burst in and see all of his toys strewn across the floor, twitching and writhing in various brands of astonishingly inventive self-pleasure. “Aaaahhh!” he’d say. “What I have witnessed today has dispersed my sanity to the wind like so many seeds blown from a dandelion! Aaaah!”
2. The First Time The Protagonist of TENET Walked In On His Future Self Reverse-Masturbating Semen Back Into His Penis
This has to have happened at least once, because he would remember himself doing it from the other direction and would be powerless to avoid it. “Why look at that, I guess this was a temporal pincer mumrmph monn hrmf nurmurr!” he’d mumble through his oxygen mask. “Looks like it’s time for a-” *inaudible under the score*
1. The First Time the Sisterhood Walked in on the Traveling Pants Masturbating
I haven’t seen this movie
Jason’s more weighty columns can be read at his substack, it’s completely free and requires nothing from you but time and interest. His most recent novel, Zoey Punches the Future in the Dick, is out in paperback, though you can also get it in audio or ebook form or whatever.