Fucking Day: How to Pick Up Women Like an A**hole 🌭

As many nice guys know, the cost of good behavior is a sexless death. Sorry, kind-hearted virgins, but women only sleep with assholes. Hold on, what if there was a way to pretend to be an asshole? You could still be nice deep in your heart, but those wet babes wouldn’t know until it was too late. Oh, man, a book based on that terrible idea would be nuts!

HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN LIKE AN A**HOLE (NICE GUYS DO FINISH FIRST IF …) sounds like it would be that book, but isn’t. To be as clear as possible, it isn’t fucking anything. In 2018, Willis Combs set out to maybe write a sex predator disguise manual for “nice guys,” but ended up writing nothing for nobody. No author has ever said less about any subject. If your stepsister’s swimsuit ever touched your taekwondo gi in the dryer, you know more about human sexuality than Willis Combs. And if you’ve ever drawn a penis on a toilet paper dispenser you’re a better writer than Willis Combs. If you wrote a book called Making A Cheese Sandwich where you explained how to ask your local library for bread, then explained how to ask your local library for bread again, Willis Combs would have to admit, “Your book is better than mine; I blame women, filthy goddamn women.”

You might think I’m being cute, but this dumb son of a bitch really did write a book with three pieces of advice any third grader knows, and none of them have anything to do with the title. Then he repeats them for maybe fifty pages and I say maybe because the stupid incel fuck didn’t include page numbers in his book. Okay, you’re prepared enough. Let’s read HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN LIKE AN A**HOLE.

The first “chapter” is called Confidence or Arrogance?, but after he’s done explaining how there’s a thin line between them, he’s out of expertise. There are no examples or advice. Willis keeps starting sections and subsections like he’s about to list new thoughts, but never gets around to it. There’s really nothing like HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN LIKE AN A**HOLE. It’s as if, during 250 different fits of loneliness, he jotted down ideas on how to touch a boob and his big brother printed his Notes app as a prank.

For instance, after not answering his own question on how to appear confident instead of arrogant, he agrees it’s fine if you’re both and moves on to Three Key Tips to Attract Women.

Willis’ first tip to attract women is Being Too Nice, by which he means do the opposite. For instance, do not buy her dinner, which seems like advanced material here in the section getting a woman to speak to us, but I’ll try to remember it for later. We’re still on the first page, by the way. His book has completely fallen apart while the table of contents are still visible.

Willis Combs loves making lists, even if those lists are unfinished, unrelated thoughts he just listed. And in this, the first list on the first page, he already starts to retread old material. Because the other two Key Tips to Attract Women are “Don’t Be Available” and a repeat of this:

Willis says every woman will have her own opinion on confidence and arrogance, which sounds like wisdom to an idiot, but is completely worthless as advice. He says you’ll get better at it the more women want to fuck you, which again, is both true and of no use to anyone. That’s not an opinion. It’s an objective truth you can’t say less than this. Academically speaking, it’s like pointing at a crotch and saying, “I think that’s the spot you’re going for.”

Like a man with a dry dick and a railroad spike through most of his brain, Willis repeats his “don’t pick up the check” advice on the very next page. It is a remarkable combination of failures here. First, Willis has a strangely small number of things to say about this subject he’s dedicated his life to (this is not his only pussy vagrant book). And second, he keeps forgetting he just said those things. It’s like he wakes up every morning with no memory and tattoos that say “you are a horny author” and “don’t let them buy her dinner.” Also, and this is crazy, he says he personally picks up the check? This pubic-mounded dork has only given one piece of actionable advice and he doesn’t even follow it? Jesus Christ. So anyway, to recap Chapter One, confidence is an unknowable mystery, no one understands confidence, don’t buy her dinner, don’t buy her dinner, and buy her dinner. Let’s move on to Chapter Two and see what this fucking dumb a**hole has to say about “The 4 Keys To Approaching ANY Woman.”

At the risk of repeating himself, Willis says the first key to approaching a woman is Confidence. Luckily, he’s come up with a way to explain it– it’s holding out your Earth hand for a shake, but here’s the twist: do it as if you expect the person you’re meeting to shake it! Once again, is there dumber advice? This is mathematically the closest words can get to zero. I get we need to start somewhere, but “smile and shake their hand” isn’t a tip. A three-year-old would say, “No shit, bitch.” Think how let down you’d be if you were struggling to find love and bought HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN LIKE AN A**HOLE and this little boy was like, “DurRr, use handshake, but the kind where they touch it.”

After “Key 2: Be Comfortable” and “Key 3: Have Fun,” his next key to approaching women is “Don’t Be Desperate.” And the only tip he gives on how to do this is to not be her witch. You might recognize that as not an expression. What this nice guy did here was use find/replace to soften all the times he called women “bitches.” Because Willis Combs is a stupid a**hole, not a stupid asshole.

This is from the first list in “Chapter 3: How to Talk to Women and Keep Her Interest.” And it’s great! If you hadn’t ever considered smiling, it should really turn things around for you. This grinning ape would be described by any brain doctor as “long dead according to these readings,” but I think Willis Combs has probably had sex. He obviously doesn’t understand how or why it happened, but it did and maybe his non-witchy smiles and handshakes were the key. But now I want you to picture being one of the women who slept with this doofus and finding out about this book. Think of the shame in knowing the time you hooked up with that dull polite boy was closer to a childlike prank than intimacy. The point I’m trying to make is this poontang hunting book is so bad it retroactively ruins what little sex the author already had.

Now that we know the secrets to meeting and captivating women (smiles, not being a witch), let’s move on to asking her out.

As you might imagine, Willis Combs has no thoughts past the most basic one. If you want to ask a woman out, ask her to go out. Again, I’m not saying it’s a terrible idea, I’m only saying it’s not one. If you taught a fish to talk and it wanted to fuck you, these would be its first words. Willis Combs’ game is indistinguishable from the dictionary definition of the concept he’s coaching you in. Before the universe goes cold, there may be men dumber or sillier than Willis, but none will ever be more basic.

Let’s hear some more of his ideas on how to behave while “getting together for a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, sometime:”

Wait, what? Buy her the cup of coffee? Witch, you told us at least twice not to do that!

Willis gives some good advice for chronic masturbators who are feeling nervous about entering this awkward social situation armed only with knowledge of smiles: women are nervous too! But I don’t know. It seems sort of suspicious that after a career of psychologically dominating sexy babes, his take on other people’s emotional needs is “only me, and what I’m feeling!” What I’m saying is, Willis shouldn’t count on some girl being super nervous for it to go well with Smiling Guy Who Chased Her Down On the Street.

Let’s move on to Chapter 7: How to Flirt with Women – 7 Key Strategies:

For a book about pretending to be a dick to trick women, there sure is a lot of smiling. Did he spend so much time studying handshakes he sometimes mixes up what smiles mean? Maybe he spent time in a clown prison? Because it would explain a lot if he’s self-publishing this from a clown prison library. Anyway, this chapter collects all the ordinary Earth behavior we’ve learned so far from eye contact to asking her out, but Willis has a pretty fresh idea with Key Strategy #6:

This is the closest thing to a strategy in the entire text– a clumsy, psychopathic gambit to save up all the sincerity for the third date. But what kind of fuck game is that? Did he write this for casual Quaker singles? This was 2018! You know what most men did on a third date in 2018? They put on a mask and ate that ass out for her OnlyFans!

Chapter 8 is about how to bounce back from rejection, where Willis only says “at least you tried” thirteen different ways. You already know in your heart I’m not kidding, so I’m not going to clip them all here. Here’s a nice highlight, though:

This is the only real consolation he gives the reader: when he lets them know it’s not always their fault. Sometimes women are just witches. It’s almost adorable how he wrote an instruction manual for luring girls into traps to harvest their holes, but made this minimal effort to refer to women with respect. I think you’re in the clear after changing that letter, Willis! Those dumb sluts will know you’re one of the good ones!

At this point our author was in a foul mood, so he got to work on Chapter 9: Picking Up Women… MOST FRUSTRATING Thing:

Gah, these goddamn witches! After burning through everything he knows about meeting women (smiles, one other) and writing a chapter on rejection, Willis Combs has run out of positivity. This chapter is just four and a half pages of complaining how jerks get all the girls.

Except he did stop and make another, all new, list of pickup tips.

It’s fucking Smile again!! What a treasure. I’m so glad I found the first dating book written entirely during a shovel attack.

You might be worried Willis has run out of girl ideas, but he comes up with some new stuff in Chapter 10: Get Women at the Bar — Three Telltale Signs That She Wants You To Approach Her. You’ll never guess what they all are.

There’s a certain face you can make that women can’t resist, and it’s going to seem unnatural at first since it’s the face behind you in every mirror, chasing you through every maze. They call it the “smile” and these nude teeth are sweeping the dating scene! I know what you’re thinking: enough smiles. Can Willis please, please restate the thesis of his book again in Chapter 14: Sick of Being Single? Why Do Girls Seem To Like These Jerk Guys? Great idea!

Willis has been asking himself the same stupid question so many times he now thinks it’s world history. The only answer he’s come up with for why girls love jerks is that there’s something wrong with him. And for the 300th time in 45(?) pages, his thoughts are both correct and too basic for a mere “duh.” And that’s all his thoughts on the subject! He has no further insight and moves on to rearranging the same lists. Most pickup books have a heavy sadness theme, but this may be the first one I’ve seen stop mid-page for an emotional breakdown.

Despite the last six chapters being about self-doubt and frustration, Willis Combs thinks you’re ready to move on from all this sport fucking and settle down. Stop smiling at witches and find the right woman with Chapter 16: Looking For the Right Woman?

This soft-skulled panty sniffer, after demonstrating he has never finished a coherent thought about women in his life, is ready to move on from the subject he chose to write a book about. And he thinks my reaction is, “What? No! Not Willis Combs, the dating guy from TV!” Fucking what?

Willis, what are you talking about? You know your readers can Google you, and you should also know there’s no trace of you. You don’t have a reel, a website, or an IMDB page. What is this “dating guy from TV” a reference to? Something you hoped to be by the time the book came out? Did you call into a morning show and teach horny San Bernardino viewers how to shake hands in a club? Or are you talking about your YouTube channel? Because WITCH, PLEASE. You don’t get to call yourself “the dating guy from TV” when 466 viewers have made your video on dealing with rejection your biggest hit.

The next time someone says the key to success is trying your best and sticking with it, tell them about this a**hole and his sad boner who have been trying to make a career out of sex pesting for a decade. Corey Feldman’s band would tell this guy to give up. Wait, what’s this? A bonus chapter? About how to bang old ladies!? Oh, hell yes.

Spectacular. It suddenly occurs to Willis at the very end of his book that he could offer himself to lonely, age-inappropriate widows where his original hip bones would be a talking point. But the best is how his only two ideas on where to find “Older Women” are 1: look them up online, and 2: head to your local old folks bar. What the shit is that? A Motel 6 lounge? A bowling alley? Do you drive around listening for day drinkers crying to Lynyrd Skynyrd? This is not advice! Tell me where to find the loose milfs, Willis Combs! And also, how can you be? Like, what forbidden universe spawned you? For years, you’ve been performing the same one minute of material for an audience of zero!! How many others are like you, slapping their unused boner against the walls of our reality!?!?

I think I’m losing my mind. I just… fuck. I can’t believe someone who only knows two things tried to be an author.

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This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Yossarian — an a**hole in the sheets, a genuine smile in the streets.