Fucking Day: How to Talk Dirty 🌭

In 1909 James Joyce wrote to his wife extensively about how much he loved her “tiny little naughty farties.” It’s the strangest, filthiest, and also sweetest collection of love letters in all of history. Since we no longer have to write out our appreciation for our spouse’s “upturned rump,” the art of dirty talk is at risk of fading into obscurity. Luckily, a courageous writer named Juicy Queen is here to try and revive it.

Technically the full title of this book is Dirty Talk: Over 400 Examples and Quotes Of Dirty Talk And Sext That Are Proven To Make Your Lover Go Crazy & Give You Maximum Pleasure & Joy Tonight. Wow, that’s a really long…wait; sorry, there’s more. Learn The Guide To A Great Sex With Your Man Or Woman And Lustful Language Expressions. The title of this book is a full paragraph long! Diving into it, I expected that to be the kind of rich, descriptive language I would be greeted with, and yet what I got was…

Now I’m worried that people think I was dirty talking to them if I said yep too enthusiastically. It’s the exclamation point that makes it so horny, right? If you say yep, it’s normal, but yep! Calm down, you lascivious maniac. It does get dirtier than yep right away, but it doesn’t get any more impressive. 

If you need a book to tell you to say, “shit, I’m cumming” during sex, I don’t know that you’re human. Everyone on earth is born with certain phrases encoded into our DNA, and “shit, I’m cumming” is one of them. This is like telling someone to say AAAHH when you see a clown in a haunted house or, “Oh my God, my roommate just texted that my car is on fire,” if a guy dressed like Criss Angel asks for your phone number. It’s just unnecessary. Nature told us to do that. 

Now you may be asking yourself, has Juicy Queen already run out of good dirty talk by number eight in this book of over four hundred examples and quotes of dirty talk and sext? Don’t worry, my friend, the numbering system in this book is super weird and sometimes non-existent. Sometimes it’s just a pile of dirty words that don’t even go together. 

I love that this book isn’t afraid to ask tough questions like, “How do your corners work?” I have no idea how to answer that. Fine for front stuff? For a moment, this sentence made me think maybe this book had been run through an auto translator, but if you were going to steal a book about dirty talk, wouldn’t you choose a better one? Maybe something that doesn’t read like it was written by an AI who learned everything it knows about human sexuality from gas station t-shirts.

That summary might be unfair. Not everything in this book has a gas station t-shirt vibe. There’s also a bunch of dirty talk that sounds like it’s specifically aimed at an old-timey gold prospector or perhaps an 1800s oil baron you’re trying to persuade to write you into his will. 

Trousers, underpants, pornographic videos? Is this how fancy people sext? If I were going to try and fuck the old rich guy from the Monopoly box, I think this is definitely how I would go about it. The part where it says, “shoving my trouser down your throat,” is a bit concerning to me because I think trousers refers to the whole pant. Shoving an entire pair of pants in someone’s mouth doesn’t seem super sexy to me. It seems difficult. It would probably be a fun challenge, but not an ideal sexual activity to make your partner eat an entire pair of pants. The point is, when this goes wrong the police will assume you are good at murdering, not terrible at fucking.

You know a series of sentences must be truly baffling when I don’t mention the phrase hungry hole straight away. Hungry hole is not even on radar at this point. That’s where we are in this book. I’m fine with hungry hole. When you’re choking to death on pants, hungry hole is normal.

The deeper you get into How To Talk Dirty, the more you begin to question your knowledge of anatomy. I don’t want to brag, but I’ve had sex, and as such, I thought I had a fairly good understanding of where most of the important parts are on the human body and what you’re expected to do with those parts in a sexual situation. It turns out that might not be the case. I have no idea what’s going on in this paragraph, for instance. 

The Rubik’s cube of the human body doesn’t turn this way in my head. Which hole is the unnerving entrance? Which hole is the perfect one? And in this scenario, I think there are a lot more holes, and I don’t know where they go. Is this person fucking SpongeBob SquarePants? 

The math this book makes me do in my head is harder than when I was studying for the ACT. Ok, if there are two people, it’s at least four holes, up to 6 holes, and women actually have like three down there, so, two people… assuming they’re both women, I guess we could be looking at up to 20 potential holes? No, wait, that’s not right. If one hole leaves the train station at midnight…

I’ve decided I would like this book to apologize for what it’s just done to my brain. Luckily there’s a whole section on apologizing for the strange things you might have dirty misspoken in the heat of the moment. That’s right, they built the apologies for the book right into the book. That’s the kind of forethought we don’t usually expect from this type of author.

It’s really funny that the book doesn’t need any context for these apologies. It knows you will read the apology and automatically know exactly what you did and that you will need this apology for that action. I would love to see a more detailed apology with some mystery to it, like, “It was not cool that I didn’t ask to use the catapult or tell you what would happen if the catapult malfunctioned in such a horrific way. I should have asked if you were allergic to bees earlier in the process, but I was swept up in the moment and didn’t consider that this would cause so many issues.” 

There are so many actions in this book that should lead to apologies, especially if your target audience needs to be told “shit, I’m cumming” is a thing you could say during sex. If that’s the target audience, everything else in the book needs to be very specific. And yet, they’ve left so much room for error. 

The one thing I like about the phrasing of “I just masturbated in your honor” is that it immediately puts the reader’s expectations where they should be. Starting with “in your honor” could be catastrophic because going into the sentence that way builds the anticipation that maybe someone has donated a statue to a botanical garden in your honor or named a star in your honor. Here’s the vibrant language I was searching for in How To Talk Dirty, and you know what? I don’t like it. Maybe it’s the [insert sexual action here] first? The typical reader of this book will end up constructing a sentence like, “trouser swallowing, I just masturbated in your honor.”

Another thing this book should apologize for is the “emoji sex” section. It includes a bunch of gross and over-explanatory descriptions of emojis and their potential uses in sexual situations.  

Yeah, I got it. But the truly horrific thing is the big fake emojis which don’t exist used to illustrate the chapter. They’re there for some extra pizazz, I guess. A little extra dash of decoration, like a cardboard cutout of Elvis in the corner of a vintage shop for some reason, but instead of Elvis, it’s the thumbs up emoji with an enormous yellow hard on. I don’t know if we can post this on Patreon, but my current thought process is if I had to see this, so do you. Maybe we can edit it so he’s holding a big baseball bat or something? 

Editor’s Note: We already had a picture of you fighting a snake. And then we can add another snake for the balls.

Maybe right now you’re thinking, surely that’s the creepiest thing in this book, and while it’s the most lasting image, there is one more piece of dirty talk I’d like to leave you with. This is advanced level dirty talk you shouldn’t try unless you’re very sure what you’re getting into. It will definitely ensure the person you say it to never forgets you. 

Folks, that’s it for me. I have to go unlearn all that I have learned to be able to speak like a normal person again. Or, as the writer of this book would say [Insert sexual action here] in your honor I will be performing the forever screams tonight.

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This article is brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Joshua Graves, who is mouthful of trouser sexy.