16 replies on “Nerding Day: The Official Mortdecai Twitter Account”
My two favourite things are terrible movies and being insufferable and forcing myself to sit through all of Mortdecai was like strapping myself to a machine that will force feed me carton after carton of my own personality turned sour.
To spare everyone who might otherwise self-harm themselves with it, a summary of the film:
Johnny Depp has sex with a Spanish woman in her 60s. It is unsatisfying for both and she seems crestfallen while he is by all evidence catatonic. Gwyneth Paltrow and Ewan McGregor are there, trying to be cheerful and supportive but too shaken to give their best performances. The latter only shows one ball, no shaft. There is a pretty good action sequence where Paltrow takes down a crew of mercenaries in order to murder their infant boss. Depp eats about five crew member’s collective shits and dies.
ok, reaching the end of this article and finding out that the movie is about johnny depp having sex with a spanish woman is the twist of the goddamn century. some guy de moupassant shit. it’s like the end of the shining except a deranged horny twitter user is in the picture having sex with johnny depp. what does it mean? what ripples in the fabric of reality could have led to this?
I think that might have been a joke about Carolina.
I hate to say this, because it grosses me out, but I think Mortdecai was being horny with the Anaconda tweet. Nicki Minaj’s video for Anaconda had come out like a week before that post and the word “rousing” tells a tale.
I didn’t want to say anything, but it was like poison in my brain and I had to bleed some off onto others. I’m sorry.
I forgot that there is a twenty minute rap break about Minaj by Depp in the middle of the movie, so it also ties in pretty closely.
I have no choice but to believe you as I’m never going to watch it to find out for myself. But I will be passing this information onto others as I doubt anyone I know has seen it either.
Love the subtle bit where you bag on so oblique an I Dream Of Jeannie reference after dropping an unsignposted “Cousin Balki”earlier.
In my bookshop we always kept one or two of the Mortdecai novels on the shelves. They seemed to go over well with the older customers. When the movie came out, the publishers dumped fifty copies of each on us. We never sold one again. The film was so bad it killed the existing market for the source material.
Not surprising, the books were about sea warfare during the Napoleonic era.
Really? I thought they were about the character fleeing from Cromwell’s men.
No, that is just a sexy sideplot after Napoleon meets an Egyptian witch who sends him back in time in the form of a Mannequin 3.
Making fun of Johnny “crackwhore” Depp is easy and fun. But, beware. Like any narcissist (never mind drug addled and dimwitted 1s), he is vindictive in the extreme and he has the resources to enforce his will, no sense of proportion, and an army of parasitic enablers around him. Just sayin’.
June 9th is Johnny Depp’s birthday, so the repeated #BornJune9 hashtag is probably a different flavour of crazy than Carolina repeatedly stating her own birthday apropos of nothing. It’s possible that they share a birthday, and this coincidence is the root of her obsession with devouring him like an unpeeled orange. It’s also possible that her own birthday is some other unrelated day, and she just celebrates Johnny Depp’s birthday 365 days a year. I’m not sure which is less crazy.
I legit always thought this movie was about a vampire. I don’t know why, but it did make the tweets better.
It’s because in the WWE reboot of ECW, Mordecai was a vampire wrestler I bet.
Now he’s a realtor vampire part-time wrestler but doesn’t use that name. Possibly because WWE own the copyright but actually definitely because of the movie, probably.
I wonder what happened to Courtney? I imagine Carolina hunted her down. I think Courtney could take her though.
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16 replies on “Nerding Day: The Official Mortdecai Twitter Account”
My two favourite things are terrible movies and being insufferable and forcing myself to sit through all of Mortdecai was like strapping myself to a machine that will force feed me carton after carton of my own personality turned sour.
To spare everyone who might otherwise self-harm themselves with it, a summary of the film:
Johnny Depp has sex with a Spanish woman in her 60s. It is unsatisfying for both and she seems crestfallen while he is by all evidence catatonic. Gwyneth Paltrow and Ewan McGregor are there, trying to be cheerful and supportive but too shaken to give their best performances. The latter only shows one ball, no shaft. There is a pretty good action sequence where Paltrow takes down a crew of mercenaries in order to murder their infant boss. Depp eats about five crew member’s collective shits and dies.
ok, reaching the end of this article and finding out that the movie is about johnny depp having sex with a spanish woman is the twist of the goddamn century. some guy de moupassant shit. it’s like the end of the shining except a deranged horny twitter user is in the picture having sex with johnny depp. what does it mean? what ripples in the fabric of reality could have led to this?
I think that might have been a joke about Carolina.
I hate to say this, because it grosses me out, but I think Mortdecai was being horny with the Anaconda tweet. Nicki Minaj’s video for Anaconda had come out like a week before that post and the word “rousing” tells a tale.
I didn’t want to say anything, but it was like poison in my brain and I had to bleed some off onto others. I’m sorry.
I forgot that there is a twenty minute rap break about Minaj by Depp in the middle of the movie, so it also ties in pretty closely.
I have no choice but to believe you as I’m never going to watch it to find out for myself. But I will be passing this information onto others as I doubt anyone I know has seen it either.
Love the subtle bit where you bag on so oblique an I Dream Of Jeannie reference after dropping an unsignposted “Cousin Balki”earlier.
In my bookshop we always kept one or two of the Mortdecai novels on the shelves. They seemed to go over well with the older customers. When the movie came out, the publishers dumped fifty copies of each on us. We never sold one again. The film was so bad it killed the existing market for the source material.
Not surprising, the books were about sea warfare during the Napoleonic era.
Really? I thought they were about the character fleeing from Cromwell’s men.
No, that is just a sexy sideplot after Napoleon meets an Egyptian witch who sends him back in time in the form of a Mannequin 3.
Making fun of Johnny “crackwhore” Depp is easy and fun. But, beware. Like any narcissist (never mind drug addled and dimwitted 1s), he is vindictive in the extreme and he has the resources to enforce his will, no sense of proportion, and an army of parasitic enablers around him. Just sayin’.
June 9th is Johnny Depp’s birthday, so the repeated #BornJune9 hashtag is probably a different flavour of crazy than Carolina repeatedly stating her own birthday apropos of nothing. It’s possible that they share a birthday, and this coincidence is the root of her obsession with devouring him like an unpeeled orange. It’s also possible that her own birthday is some other unrelated day, and she just celebrates Johnny Depp’s birthday 365 days a year. I’m not sure which is less crazy.
I legit always thought this movie was about a vampire. I don’t know why, but it did make the tweets better.
It’s because in the WWE reboot of ECW, Mordecai was a vampire wrestler I bet.
Now he’s a realtor vampire part-time wrestler but doesn’t use that name. Possibly because WWE own the copyright but actually definitely because of the movie, probably.
I wonder what happened to Courtney? I imagine Carolina hunted her down. I think Courtney could take her though.