Upsetting Day: The Goop Mother’s Day Gift Guide

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8 replies on “Upsetting Day: The Goop Mother’s Day Gift Guide”

Look, I’m not saying Blythe Danner can’t still get it – she most definitely can – but if my kid’s business spent a month emphasising my need for mechanical stimulation, I would be at least a little abashed.

The inevitable phone call from Ma: “Goddammit Gwennie we talked about this last year! I’m not mad just disappointed.”

“I didn’t spend ten hours in labour pushing you out of my vagina just so you could shove an entire Sharper Image back up in there fifty years later, honey.”

My brain rejected the Forged in Fire flip-flops, choosing to interpret the text as Japanese characters before it started working again.

Which one of those 14 sex toys was an abstract sculpture? My guess is the one that looks like a tiny black homunculus whose hands and feet just started inflating unexpectedly. And if it’s not that one, hey Gwenyth Paltrow why are you masturbating with that one???

That was my guess, and I totally aced the “sex toy or sculpture” quiz at the top of the article. I’m weirdly good at this and need to know if I got the last question right too.

I really like the cheese knife that looks like a cleaver. It looks like something that would be introduced in the first act of a horror movie about a woman that gets in too deep into these natural cures and transforms into some kind of Goop monster. That has to be destroyed in desperation using the cheese cleaver.

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