Podcasting Day: Sexual Martial Arts with Michael Swaim and Abe Epperson 🌭

This week we’re joined by Michael Swaim and Abe Epperson, former Cracked wunderkinds and current Bean prodigies. They’re making a touching and hilarious movie called Papa Bear, about a true story from Swaim’s teenage years when his dad came out as a gay cyberbear. That’s real, that’s what it’s really about – minus the cyber stuff. That didn’t make the movie. That’s the bad news: “Robo” was one too many things to fit in this story full of deep characters, sexual exploration, loving acceptance, and human horses. When will we, as a nation, finally learn to value the cybernetically different? Here’s the good news: There’s still time for you to chip in and help this thing get made! Click that now, pledge what you can, lord it over your philistine friends now that you’re a patron of the arts.

Swaim and Abe have kind hearts and gentle souls, so every time they come on the podcast we expose them to the weirdest pervert shit we can find.

Written by a collective of dick ninjas who are clearly just one confused man with a hospitalized crotch, we’re talking about the official manual for the sexual martial art of dong manipulation, Zenno Jojido. It’s mostly about slapping and attacking your penis until it grows huge and unstoppable, like Conan. The rest of the book is an insane anthology of ancient japanese cock ring masters and invincible Thai fuckbeasts, all harboring exotic penile secrets that were plundered by brave wang archaeologists and given to you, the small-dicked sucker willing to masturbate badly for several weeks to no result.

That’s madness, what’s written up there. May God damn that whole paragraph. Each of those words is in a fight with the ones next to it. Together they create a sexual impossibility, and I didn’t even mention that it’s written in free verse.