Nerding Day: Black Grimoire App 🌭

As we all know, the one problem with being a dark magic wielder is having to haul around a bulky grimoire full of spells. Sure, we could memorize them, but if we were good at memorizing things, we probably would have become a computer programmer and not a dark wizard. Ah ha, but what if we did both? Someone out there was smart enough to code an iPhone app and also dark wizardly enough to make it an app full of magic spells. That man’s name is Mr. zombie.

That’s right, nestled between your Starbucks and New York Times Gaming App, you too can keep all of the best ancient spells for things like beginner telekinesis, summoning a dark spirit, and cold relief, for free! Yes, this is a free app that will give you the power to summon a dark spirit from hell! You would think that ability would be worth AT LEAST $2.99, but it’s not!

You would also think there would be some kind of background check required to yield the power of demonic ghosts. No, the only requirement for access to this mighty digital tome is that you must be at least twelve years old. Sixth graders simply aren’t ready to unravel the laws of man.

There’s also a serious legal disclaimer on the download page to discourage non-serious magicians. It explains that magic is real, and you should not joke about any of this. Weird that the author thought he would need to preempt the powerful spells in his Black Grimoire with a disclaimer that they are not funny.

Do you think the “please use all spells at your own risk” disclaimer will cover Mr. zombie in the event that a twelve-year-old uses this app to summon an Old God to wipe clean the world of his bully? I worry that Mr. zombie didn’t consult a lawyer before making this app. Otherwise he’d know you can’t distribute telekinesis to 13-year-olds in seven states, and we are absolutely allowed to joke about wizards everywhere but Massachusetts.

The app does make sure to keep its ancient wisdom behind the protection of a mystical login page, complete with a stock photo of Criss Angel’s actual hands logging into the app. This feature is essential because it will prevent your mom from looking at your most viewed spell tab and learning it’s “Succubus Formal Invitation Spell.” As if there would be an informal invitation spell for a succubus, the most formal of fuck monsters. The point is, there’s a right way and a wrong way to ritually text 🍆 to a sex demon.

Let’s deep dive into these spells. Where do they come from? Who wrote them, and what are their spell-writing credentials? Most books on magic love to tell you all about the exploits of the fifth-level astro wizard of the frosting dimension who wrote them. The Black Grimoire app takes a more laid back approach to creating black magic. Most of the spells have no explanation of where they come from, and if I had to guess, I’d say it’s probably Google. There is one spell that comes with details of its creator, and it’s, of course, the succubus spell. It came from Mr. zombie’s supernatural wife. I think he was just sneaking a succubus brag into his app.

No magic book is complete without a supernatural wife name drop. It makes this app so much more authentic. I wish there was more Princess Saaraji Lilith in this app. Most of it is way more boring than the introduction of Mr. zombie’s succubus wife. For instance, there’s a recipe for Wizard tea that does not explain what makes it wizardly. Another name for it would be “tea” because that’s what it is, regular tea with chocolate, honey, and mint. They didn’t even try to make up a reason why it’s magic. They could have at least said it’s best prepared by your supernatural succubus wife.

Just to test my earlier theory, here’s the very first match on Google for “Wizard tea recipe”:

Now, let’s move on to the death spells. Sorry, first, we’ll have to pause for an ad from HelloFresh. That is not a bit; they will advertise anywhere. Although the Black Grimoire is a free app, they have to make money somehow. They can’t give these spells away for free. Normally, you have to pay a whole daughter for real magic, or at least the blood of a daughter-sized orphan. So one thirty-second ad for a food delivery box isn’t too much to ask in exchange for a death spell. Most of the other ads are for apps like this one– insane sadness chum for a stupid person’s idea of a desperate person. There was one for a chat gpt girlfriend app, and one for a psychic app that was probably the side hustle of the chat gpt girlfriend. HelloFresh is the only mainstream company that wasn’t going to let the Grimoire audience slip by.

After I paused to learn about seared sesame tuna over rice, I was finally able to access over twenty death spells. The death spell section is one of the largest on the app. They’ve got all kinds of death, Cursed by Voodoo, Black Death, Death Potion, Blood Star, Bones of Anger Hex, but my personal favorite death spell is the Necrokinesis spell because it is the hardest of all kinesis.

I wanted to learn more, so I Googled “Necrokinesis,” and it looks like Mr. zombie might have done the same thing:

What will you need to learn Necrokinesis? Nothing. The Necrokinesis spell boils down to thinking about killing someone really hard. It’s suspicious because if this was possible, it would happen all the time by accident. There wouldn’t be a living boss or landlord. So let’s try another death spell, hopefully one Mr. zombie didn’t copy from a 4chan post. Maybe something more classic. How about this death potion from 1970 that sounds, frankly, delightful:

This Death Potion is adorable. I think Mr. zombie might have mixed up the death potion recipe and the strawberry shortcake recipe. It’s fine, that’s easy to do, but I think the results are going to disappoint a lot of wizards. It’s important to note that Death Potion isn’t meant to be ingested by anyone. All you have to do is put the ingredients in a pot and simmer them on the stove “for however long you think it needs to cook.” I’ve never made a death potion before and would not trust my judgment on when it’s done. I guess simmer until death occurs, or you’ve reduced Death Potion to a delicious coulis. Honestly, this is such a crazy idea I have no idea how Mr. zombie could have come up with it. The only thing I found when I Googled “death potion” is this:

There’s more to the black Grimoire than sex and death spells. There’s a pretty hefty section on wealth that includes a powerful job-seeking spell that is much more the shit I’m looking for. It’s got candles, visualizations, patchouli oil, and rhyming. Somehow, summoning a job is way cooler than summoning a ghost to bang.

One of the stra– excuse me, I want to just check to see if there are any other job finding spells online we can compare this to. Ah, here’s one:

One of the strangest things about this magic spell book app is that it says this spell was written in 2023, but it sounds like it’s referring to mailing out physical copies of a resume. Did they let a ghost of someone who died in the 1980s write this spell? There aren’t a lot of summoning spells in the app so I kind of doubt it. In fact, most spells offer intangible results like good luck or confidence. There is one spell for hot sex, but it basically calls for you to have hot sex in a circle of salt, which seems like cheating. It’s like having a spell for wealth where one of the ingredients is fifty thousand dollars. If you have the means to do the spell, you’re done!

All you need is a hot sex circle and some candles! I found no trace of this on Google, so Mr. zombie might have invented this one, and good for him.

I’m not sure I would qualify this app as a good replacement for your typical black grimoire. It’s a gray Grimoire at best. It needs to be at least thirty percent more goth to get Satan’s attention. Aside from one hot sex circle, all he did was Google spells for us. This is no different than telling Siri to commit a sin against God. However, if you’re 12+ and promise not to make fun of it, maybe this circle fucker’s Google searches are for you!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Jeff Orasky, who is the sworn enemy of Mr. zombie — a plagiarized smartphone app white wizard sponsored by Blue Apron.

3 replies on “Nerding Day: Black Grimoire App 🌭”

What kind of weak job spell is that? I need to visualize writing a resume and sending it out? That’s half the stuff I want to skip! Where’s the spell where someone just calls me and offers me a job? Or hell, just offers me a bunch of money?

So, let me get this straight. Poxco is going to send me wet meats—I’m down: that is a solid service and I like moral hazard implied by the lack of specificity. Salt for my meat, as it were. I’m also enticed by the idea that they will return for the meat in several days. Way to anticipate the customer’s needs. I have questions:
1) how wet? Moist wet or like Seaworld wet?
2) must I return the meat undamaged or are extra holes Ok?
3) does the meat still need to be wet when it is returned and is poxco picky about the precise fluid?
4) does the meat have awkward bones that might not fit in, for instance, a standard 1992 Hillary Clinton wig?
5) do you accept PoxSoulCoin?

The only good thing about Anne Rice’s Witching Hour book, besides the kinky supernatural S&M sex right out of the Grimoire creator’s hentai collection, was someone else finally realizing that telekinesis makes most other superpowers look like Superman’s super-ventriloquism (it’s a thing, ask Seanbaby!). You want to kill someone, you don’t need to drop a truck on them…you telekinetically clump their red blood cells into a clot or pinch off the artery at the base of the brain and Boom, they’re Mike Lindell!

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