Upsetting Day: The Dollhouse Killer’s Christmas List 🌭

Dollhouse culture has really taken a turn recently. Dollhouses were always for either ordinary little girls or adult serial killers, but lately, one group is far outpacing the other in their dollhouse furniture manufacturing and purchasing. If you Google “dollhouse organ,” the internet won’t respond, “Lol, nope!” Your cursed search will return, “You want a Phantom Of The Opera-style organ or a miniature pile of human organs, because we’ve got both, baby!”

Whether you want your dolls to play mournful arias and hide in the walls of your tiny home or own a loose pile of human organs, either option is available to you, and so many more. For instance, is your doll a vegetarian, or should they crave raw meat? Not only do they sell so much packaged doll meat, but it’s in high demand. Four people have bought it in the last twenty-four hours! Hurry, purchase the meat for your dolls. Purchase it before the dolls rebel! Before they smell the meat you hide beneath your skin!

Suppose you’re not a carefully packaged raw beef person. Respect. In that case, you can also purchase a miniature cow and a Dollhouse Deli Slicer. That way, your doll can disassemble its own dinner. So convenient!

Don’t worry; not all dollhouse food is meat-based. There are also the clown cakes. At first, I found it unsettling that the clown birthday cakes would be displayed in a lot of six. Why does someone need so many clown birthday cakes at once? I wondered. Then I learned that you can order miniature clown birthday cakes in a lot of up to sixteen. They wouldn’t allow you to order that quantity of miniature clown birthday cake if they didn’t think someone would want to. What is happening to all of these birthday boys? Upon what cursed day were sixteen clowns born!?

After eating all of that delicious raw meat and clown cake, your dolls might get a tummy ache, but don’t worry, because we’ve invented miniature Pepto Bismol. The ghostly hand that extends the Pepto Bismol to you is not included in the deal (bummer!).

Honestly, I think the Pepto Bismol is one of the most upsetting things on this list. I understand creating miniature dioramas is a form of escapism, but why would you make a tiny perfect world for yourself and include diarrhea in it? Dolls don’t have buttholes. Imagine the world you want to exist. If you’re going to order a fun colored liquid, at least do the miniature booze instead, even though they come in a quantity that says your dolls might have a teeny tiny problem.

If you’re not careful, your doll might wake up in a pile of doll cash with no memory of the night before. What terrible things did they do to be surrounded by loose piles of cash? They’ll never ask, and you’ll never have to tell them.

What kind of doll is this doll furniture made for exactly? Well, you don’t even need a doll most of the time. I’ve seen plenty of people on TikTok that cultivate empty dollhouses. However, I think most of the doll house furniture I’ll be showing you today was created for one particular doll. I know I said that dolls don’t have buttholes, but actually, I think this one does.

This rare $350 porcelain doll is clearly going through some shit. You can pair him with a $450 doll of a terrified woman holding an empty basket and imagine the good times they would have together. You could fill her basket with the doll meat! These dolls both come from the same Etsy seller, which somehow makes it worse for me. I will not give you their name because I’m pretty sure if someone ever makes these two dolls kiss, the ancient god of sickos will emerge from the crust of the earth.

Anyway, back to doll buttholes. I usually try not to go too far in my Hotdog research, but I’ve recently typed both vintage doll toilet and awesome doll toilet into Etsy. I think it says a lot more about Etsy than me that awesome doll toilet yielded me this result.

“This toilet is for the brave only,” so go forth, you brave doll collectors, into the great darkness beyond this mini porta-potty door. Many brave doll owners have gone before you and failed to return from its depths. The nightmare toilet costs eighty-five dollars.

The notes and reviews of some of these items are the best part. I know at this point in the article, I’m probably not going to be able to surprise you with a dollhouse electroshock therapy machine. However, you might be surprised to learn that it comes with an all-caps warning about the date you need to order to receive it in time for Christmas. If you want Old Saint Nick to zap your dolls, you had better order before November 8th, 2023, otherwise NO ONE IS GETTING ELECTRIFIED THIS CHRISTMAS!

Alright, it’s time to stop taking it easy on you guys. Let’s talk about the sex stuff. Of course, there’s sex stuff. You wouldn’t believe what I’ve seen. There are things I’m pretty sure Patreon won’t even let me put on here, so I’m going to give you a description of the Lego compatible diddlers. That’s right, someone took the time to painstakingly craft dildos that snap into the clippy hands of Lego mini figurines. Those are supposed to be for holding whimsical stuff, like magic wands and…wait.

The numerous warnings that the makers of this product felt were necessary to warn people not to attempt to put the Lego Diddlers into their holes. It’s for fake Lego holes only. You should always practice safe doll sex, which involves knowledge of when something is tiny enough to easily get lost inside of you, and also doll condoms.

“Dollhouse miniature condom sexy,” for when maybe you have a doll that should NEVER get another doll pregnant like the examples I’ve cited above. These can be purchased in quantities of up to thirty-five. If someone were to buy the maximum amount they would be spending, get fucking ready for this, 420 dollars on doll condoms. It’s possible that I never truly understood the meaning of art until this moment.

So, of course, the dolls are fucking. We all know the dolls are fucking, but are they having pleasurable sex, or is this more a layback and think of England situation? I’m not sure. Why don’t you ask the creator of the miniature lube tube? It’s rated five stars by someone fancy enough to refer to doll sexual lubricant as decor. I would like to see what additional decor they have spread around their house and how much of it is related to doll orgasms.

Of course, we all know where all of this doll sex is going to end. Luckily, they do sell doll pregnancy tests! You can follow your doll through the entire life cycle, from conception to being electrocuted in a deeply haunted porta potty or choking on the most menacing cake you’ve ever seen in your entire life. If it’s not yet time for your doll to conceive, they also sell doll tampons.

You can choose any of your favorite vintage feminine products! I’m so glad to be alive in 2024. This really is the era where girls and serial killers can have tiny versions of it all.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Ted H, the only doll with crippling anxiety and WOW! Yes REAL lactose intolerance ONLY 186 DAYS LEFT UNTIL CHRISTMAS.