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LEARNING DAY

Learning Day: The Ugly Truckling šŸŒ­

The Tesla Cybertruck: wait, stop, where are you going. Come back. I applaud your blanket aversion to CyberTruck HorseHockey. But look at this thing I found:

The Ugly Truckling: The Story Of My Cybertruck is a childrenā€™s book. Itā€™s a childrenā€™s book about the Cybertruck, and the difficulties faced by poor helpless Cybertruck owners. The premise is that Cybertruck owners are demonized, because the Cybertruck is shaped different from other trucks. Societyā€™s superficial cruelty attacks the Cybertruck, like The Ugly Duckling before it.

You may think the discourse around Cybertrucks is not just vehicular body-shaming. The Ugly Truckling thinks differently. It asks why people are so mad at itty bitty widdle Cybowtwucks. Y R U buwwying the Cybowtwuck fow wooking diffwent??? Theyā€™re only shaped that ā€œuglyā€ way so they can achieve good design goals, like a trunk that downsizes your fingers. ā€œWow,ā€ you are saying, ā€œthe book titleā€™s allusion to The Ugly Duckling is flawless. The Ugly Duckling didnā€™t choose to be born that shape, and the Ugly Truckling didnā€™t choose to burst into flames during a car wash.ā€ Iā€™m glad you understand this metaphor so well. I probably donā€™t even need to show you the bookā€™s title page. The title page clarifies this metaphor with a powerful fist, of ham.

Sincerity time: this premise couldā€™ve been an okay web cartoon, in the hands of a satirist. It also couldā€™ve been written better in its sincere form. But no. Our universeā€™s eldritch Ideas-God placed this premise in the hands of Diego Martinez. Iā€™m here to poop on Diego, but also feel grim sorrow for him. Weā€™ll get to why I feel bad for him later.

For now, My Dear Hotdogger, consider what a childrenā€™s author should do with the premise of ā€œUgly Duckling Cybertruckā€. If they do the sincere version of that premise, their Truckling should be a Truckling. The truck should be small. A baby truck. Like what I assume happens when Pixarā€™s Cars characters make a baby and itā€™s born baby-sized and itā€™s not grown up until Cars 7. Thatā€™s what a Truckling book should depict. Then the Truckling is the correct size for a child to befriend it. The Truckling can be their puppy. Then both the child and the Truckling get comfortable with their own flaws and foibles as they age into self-awareness.

Now letā€™s draft the satire. In that version of the idea, the baby Cybertruck grows up, and becomes a seven thousand pound monstrosity. The Truckling develops all the faults of a Cybertruck. A real Cybertruck is Cybertrickedout with faults. You depict its true status as an expensive, unsafe electric pickup. Then, at the end, it runs the kid over. Edgelord Jonathan Swift bit complete.

I donā€™t like either of those book ideas. Diego has an even worse third idea. He tells the story of a Tesla-pilled dad Tesla-pilling his regular child about a regular Cybertruck. Iā€™m not adding that concept. Itā€™s there from jump:

Are you aware of the genre of childrenā€™s entertainment that depicts flawed dads? There are many books, and entire Sesame Street storylines, for kids whose dads are divorced or jailed. Thatā€™s good! Weā€™re overdue for that. But we needed one hundred further ā€œtroubled dadā€ books before we needed one book about CyberTruckJerkDads. I respect the complexity of divorce, and criminal justice, and owning any of the Teslas that debuted long before Elon Musk both mischaracterized and committed election fraud. If you bought a car-shaped Tesla a while ago, I get it.

I do not get Cybertruck buyerā€™s remorse. The Cybertruck is an innovative new idea, in the sense that Ford and GMC had that idea first but arenā€™t narcissists. The Cybertruck also debuted five years AFTER Elon Musk called a stranger a pedophile for fun. Every Cybertruck purchaser had enough alternatives and information to not buy a Cybertruck. They also have the option to roll up their windows and tune out the haters. You can own a Cybertruck. Itā€™s fine. Your only punishment is some of us frowning about it. I know a set of rich Internet men believe that is ā€œcancellationā€. But you donā€™t need a Cybertruck AND universal adulation. And you donā€™t need to purchase a childrenā€™s book to read to yourself, to soothe yourself, while your child sits there like a prop. When you read this book at your child, you read about a dad lecturing at his child. Story Dad lectures Story Child about Elon Musk. Then the child likes Elon Musk and Cybertrucks and by extension their dad.

ā€œNow read that page to meā€, said too many childrensā€™ fathers. ā€œRead. It. To. Me.ā€

Hey kids: have you heard of the most prominent character in this book? His name is Elon Musk, and heā€™s saving the environment.

Iā€™m conflicted about Elon Muskā€™s role in electric cars. Apparently most of his work at Tesla involved lowering safety standards and harassing/impregnating subordinates. Other people founded the company. Other people designed the cars. However, Elon Musk was an effective cheerleader and rodeo clown for the concept of electric cars. A well-written Ugly Truckling could celebrate that. Elorm helped the environment. However, fun fact, the main way to acquire this childrenā€™s book is to make Amazon Dot Com print it on demand. Amazon drop-shipped this to my door in less than 24 hours, and I am not an Amazon Prime member. Much like Kanye West cookbooks and creepy ā€œcaptivatingā€ histories, the final page of The Ugly Truckling bears the Amazon print-on-demand Mark Of The Beast.

The book also has multiple extra blank pages before the last one, for no good reason. Turns out the Cybertruck fandomā€™s carbon footprint has an oscillating shoe size. Anyhow: The Ugly Truckling is an astounding achievement in Elon Musk Criticism. The Ugly Truckling is more devastating than every leftist, online, correct statement about Musk. It wrecks him because it doesnā€™t mean to. Itā€™s written by a Musk fan. The Ugly Truckling opens with a lot of generic factoids about Cybertruck impressiveness. Did you know the Cybertruck is as powerful as 805 horses? It is! Thatā€™s almost as powerful as the good-looking Teslas!

Then the book celebrates a key feature that sounds good, if you forget other humans exist. The Cybertruck features all kinds of features to keep you safe. You, individually, will be safe. Also you might not be safe if you drive the truck too fast, or shut any of the parts without tumbling clear of their blade-sides. But the Cybertruck is so safe from disasters. Disasters like blackouts, and floods, and other crises this book depicts just one child surviving while their community struggles. Readers see peopleā€™s food spoil and homes flood while the protagonist #cybers along. Itā€™s like if the I Survived series covered our dystopian future. Itā€™s like if the emperor Nero cybertrucked while Rome burned.

Also, did you know some people in the world have guns? Yes! Guns might seem like a romantic element of the Old West. But theyā€™re still with us today. Good thing the Cybertruck protects you from that gun problem. A problem which there is no other way of addressing.

The Cybertruck also gets pitched as For Kids. The child and their peers hang out in it. After all, the Cybertruck has a screen and speakers. Much like most living rooms, or rooms you carry a laptop into. But hey, why not experience that in Cybertruck? Cybertruck! Thereā€™s truly no better childhood treehouse than a Cybertruck. Especially because the last good Tree Fort Tree got chopped down to print and package this book.

Other than this Emilio part, the story is didactic and flat, because thatā€™s propaganda for you. Did you know a Cybertruck can power a tool for welding? Just like a generator? And/or an extension cord?

Entire pages get devoted to Consumer Reports-assed fantasies of owning the first-ever truck impervious to minor besmirching.

Thereā€™s also a big spread about the production reasons for the body of the truck being shaped that way. I did not know that stuff. Itā€™s pretty much the pages youā€™d find in a good version of a Truckling book.

Thereā€™s one totally wild claim in this book. Iā€™m convinced itā€™s a lie. But Iā€™m open to the possibility that itā€™s depicting the personal experiences of the bookā€™s author.

Thatā€™s an easy page to gloss over. But itā€™s depicting a schoolteacher getting in trouble for showing their students their Tesla. I could not find evidence of this ever happening. No teacherā€™s ever been disciplined for demonstrating a Cybertruck, or another ā€œS3XYā€ Tesla model. Has that ever happened? If you can find evidence, please share it. Iā€™ll badger Robert and Sean and weā€™ll update this bit. So far I can only find people feeling Musk-induced Tesla Remorse, for the real reasons and not for Cybertruck Body-Shaming.

More refined googling led me to weirder stuff. Thereā€™s one truly wild story about a teacher facing criticism for Teaching Tesla. However, they did not teach about the car brand. Did you know there is a scientist with that same last name? He built stuff like coils. An Oregon teacher demoā€™d one such ā€œCybercoilā€ by firing it up in their classroom and zapping the words ā€œI <3 Momā€ onto students’ skin. The marks were temporary-ish. One kidā€™s skin had lingering redness and swelling. The teacher got in the newspaper for doing this, and for not facing any disciplinary action from the school, and for being arrested by police but then released without charges. The teacher also has One Of Those Faces. I do not say that cruel thing to be cruel. I say that to wonder how our flawed justice system did not jail him on a conviction for Worst-Degree Vibes, or execute him for Possession Of Cabin-Fella Stare.

I struggle to imagine thereā€™s a world where a teacher gets CANCELLED for half-assing a Cybertruck parking lot ā€œfield tripā€, yet this hard-to-justify Nikola Tesla lesson goes unpunished. But maybe the author is describing himself. Maybe he got punished or canned for walking his students into the parking lot, and toward the maw of his future truck. This brings us to the tragedy of The Ugly Trucklingā€™s author. I did not try to contact or speak with Diego Martinez, because I am a coward. I did read his biography in the back of this book. His biography is positive.

I also fact-checked that bio a little. The facts are true, and depressing. Diego Martinez founded a private middle school. It opened its doors as I type this. It has a professional website. It has 10 followers on Instagram. Based on every picture on both those webpages, I know Diego Martinezā€™s plan for launching a school. His plan was to purchase a Cybertruck, put stickers on that Cybertruck, and drive in circles until his community realized science is cool.

You and me are Internet users. We know thereā€™s a Musk Cult out there, railing against Deep State Forces that are the Real Reason his website donā€™t work good. So itā€™s easy to forget about people who arenā€™t so online. Diego Martinez only seems to know Elon Musk is ā€œthe electric car guy.ā€ Diego only knows ā€œCybertruck robot shape is the most Science.ā€ That is a dangerously shallow understanding of Cybertrucks, placed in the hands of a dreamer. Diego Martinez heard about the Cybertruck. He got hyped up about it for earnest, child-like reasons. And when a little bit of backlash about the Cybertruck pierced his bubble, he did not ask where it came from. He drove 110 miles per hour toward a solution. He presumed the solution is a little bit of scicomm and a whole lot of love. That progression is why this book exists.

Imagine if those were your only thoughts about the robot shaped truck. If that is somehow all you knew, you couldā€™ve written The Ugly Truckling. The book is a hopeful tribute to something poisoned by culture wars and bad men. Iā€™ve been racking my brain for a parallel example. All Iā€™ve got is a thought experiment. Think about the ā€œDonā€™t Tread On Meā€ flag. Our militant sovereign citizens ruined that flagā€™s vibes long before J6 ruined it. If you did not know that stuff, you could spin a yarn about The Little Snake That Could. Or if you only knew scraps of the flagā€™s 1700s origins, you could doodle the tale of a Revolutionary War toddler who dyes cloth the exact shade of Frenchā€™s brand mustard, despite his British Haters. Is that a nicer headspace to be in? Maybe thatā€™s a joyous path to (wait for it) tread. Maybe itā€™s nice to not know anything beyond ā€œsnake cool!ā€ and ā€œtruck cyber!ā€ and ā€œidea haver just likes Blade Runner a lot!ā€ In that worldview, any dad who feels that same way is more nerdy than evil.

The dramatic irony here is cursed. I feel cursed emotions for the entire creative team of The Ugly Truckling. They stumbled into making an evil book for benign reasons. And I donā€™t know any more than the next fella about how we should lead our lives in this vale of tears. I just know Diego Martinez is sitting in the empty lobby of his STEM middle school waiting for kids to pour through the front doors. Theyā€™ll stream into his classrooms any second now. Theyā€™re about to do that. Theyā€™re probably not here yet because theyā€™re running late. Theyā€™re late because their parentsā€™ non-cyber trucks canā€™t drive fast. Yeah, thatā€™s why. Theyā€™re on their way, he hopes. And when the hours tick by, and the real reason for their absence becomes clear, I donā€™t want that realization to crush Diego. When disappointment slices its Cybertruckā€™s Cybertrunklid through his Cyberknuckles, I hope Diego only loses his Cyberdigits, and retains his Cyberzest for life.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Craig Lemoine, who is raising awareness for the non-profit group Divorced Assholes Devoid of Fundamental Understanding for Cybertruck Knowledge, Education, and Recognition.

13 replies on “Learning Day: The Ugly Truckling šŸŒ­”

I love this cybertruck dad teaching his daughter to nail a board to the floor in the middle of an undamaged room. Yā€™know, ā€œbuilding housesā€. Itā€™s a perfect metaphor.

With roofing nails, apparently. Just a perfect illustration of ā€œthis guy doesnā€™t know what heā€™s doing or even how to ask for helpā€.

I saw one of those things the other day! It looked like it came straight out of an Atari Jaguar game.

“The marks were temporary-ish.”

The phrase every defense lawyer loves to see “Alright! This case isn’t completely hopeless. We might get a couple of years off the sentence for time served!”

As someone who drives a funny looking car, (Smart ForTwo)…Cybertruck owners can still get bent. This is the 2024 version of the H2. Though it was funnier to park next to because there was a chance their car was the same color as mine.

“The Cybertruck is built like a Hot Wheels toy…”

In what universe is this a GOOD thing?

This is a burn I would expect to hear on the Daily Show, or from a progressive blogger trashing Musk…but no, apparently this is a selling point.

EVEN if what they’re trying to say is a good thing, this is just about the worst way they could have phrased it.

If you’re trying to sell me on this vehicle, especially if supposedly it’s designed to survive the zombie apocalypse, perhaps it’s not a wise choice to compare its manufacturing process to that of a child’s toy.

All that being said, the Cybertruck makes me sadšŸ˜¢

Because take away its myriad design flaws, and its megalomaniacal designer, and I think it’s actually pretty rad–from a purely aesthetic perspective.

Which is amusing when you consider that this whole book was designed as a counter-argument against those who reject the Cybertruck just for its appearance…

…and as far as I’m concerned, appearance was the only thing it had going for it šŸ˜‚

If Eelong Muskox ever finds this site it will because of this article. As he only goes on sites that talk about him

That’s completely unfair.

He also goes on sites that make the same joke about trans people over and over.

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