Upsetting Day: Bratz Babyz Save Christmas🌭

I’m a big fan of Christmas movies that are deeply fucked, but even I was a little disturbed by the blank CGI faces of the baby hive mind starring in The Bratz Babyz Save Christmas The Movie. It’s already uncomfortable watching babies (sorry Babyz (they are not human)) in miniskirts and knee-high boots do anything, but it’s especially horrific watching them save Christmas.

The Bratz Babyz movie is self-aware enough to establish immediately that the Bratz Babyz parents are irresponsible. They have dumped their children with a babysitter the day before Christmas so they can go snowboarding. The babysitter is called Gran. She might be one of their grandmas, but she never favors one more than the other and always calls their parents “your parents” like they were all fused together in a ball during a horrible sci-fi snowboarding accident.

Gran is far too incompetent to care for children. Her hair grows directly out of her visor and she constantly looks like she’s having an allergic reaction to shellfish. That may be what’s causing her incompetence? Oh God, is Gran dying?

Apparently, The Bratz Babyz’ terrifying mono-parent got snowed in at the radical ski resort they chose to fuck off to the day before Christmas, so now they won’t be home on Christmas Day, whoops! Gran decides to take the Bratz Babyz to the mall so they can beg a mall Santa to make their parents care more about them than snowboarding. The Babyz names are Jade, Cloe, Sasha, and Yasmin. However, you don’t need to know that because they mostly speak and move as a hive mind and have no distinctive personalities. There’s no smart one, sports one, rebel one, pretty one dynamic at play. All are Bratz Babyz and Babyz are all.

Once at the mall, the Bratz Babyz see a Radical Power Wheels convertible toy and learn that orphans exist, and they don’t get Radical Power Wheels for Christmas. This causes them to emote as much as they possibly can, which is a slight frown at best. They are all on baby Botox.

Obviously, all orphans deserve a bitchin’ convertible for Christmas. You might think that this movie will be about the Bratz Babyz getting those orphans a convertible, and you would be partially correct, but it’s mostly about the Bratz Babyz taking down the mob. The algorithm said people love watching children take down criminals for the holidays.

There’s a criminal dressed as Santa who owes money to some very bad people for a botched armored truck robbery. But don’t worry, he botched the felony in a cute way. He sat on some fudge that his elf sidekicks tried to give him for Christmas and got so angry and spent so much time yelling at them that the truck drove away. His sidekicks are the most whimsical little mafia men you’ll ever meet. Joe Pesci should sue the Bratz for blatantly stealing his whole deal.

The Santa thief and his mini Joe Pescis see a TV report about how the orphans actually will be getting their bitchin’ convertible for Christmas and in the trunk will be a million dollar donation to the orphanage from a rapper who grew up there. They don’t name the rapper, he’s just DJ Plot Device. I don’t know why the reporter chose to let everyone know the exact location of an unguarded million dollars, but the evil Santa and his elves are like, sweet! Free money! Now our boss won’t murder us! You would probably have to explain the concept of organized crime to any child you showed this movie. But if you are showing a child Bratz Babyz Save Christmas The Movie, you’re raising at least a murderer.

The Bratz Babyz hear evil Santa complaining about his elves and decide they must help Santa deliver presents this year, so they put on elf hats and sneak out of the house in Gran’s mechanical sleigh decoration that can go 50 miles per hour for some reason. Where is Gran while the children are escaping? Oh, she dressed up as Santa and got stuck in the chimney, where she will remain for the rest of the video. Gran is negligent. She has failed herself and the children. She has failed Christmas. And she will pay for it with her life.

The Bratz Babyz arrive at the North Pole, which is, I guess, in the same town where they live. Later, they say it’s actually a North Pole training facility. The audience for this is five-year-old aspiring foot camgirls, so I’m not going to quibble about geography. This exists in the same dreamlike state as a baby who thinks they could probably walk to Alaska in about thirty minutes if they really wanted to. At the North Pole training facility, they meet a creepy elf man who has the Power Wheels convertible full of cash in his possession. He’s protecting it by keeping the key in his back pocket and leaving it outside and unlocked at night.

Meanwhile, the mobster Santa is being chased by a mall cop who gets into an altercation with the real police and steals their cop car. This seems weird and out of place and takes a long chunk of time. A lot of the middle of this movie wanders way off the topic of Bratz Babyz and is solely focused on evil Santa and his mafia goons. I can’t imagine kids are super interested in the traumatic childhoods of the Joe Pesci elves, but I guess it’s to build sympathy for them so their later redemption arc feels more satisfying. Trying to give this nightmare some sort of cathartic ending was a huge mistake. It’s about CGI monsters enjoying Christmas. No one wants or needs four villains to take up at least fifty percent of the screen time. Especially not with Gran freezing to death up there on the end of a dangling plot thread.

The villains and the Bratz Babyz all converge on the North Pole training facility, where the real elf that lives there offers to put them through elf training so that they can help Santa deliver toys. The two Joe Pesci elves join in to distract everyone so evil Santa can steal the key to the million-dollar Power Wheels car. Elves are famous for making toys, so elf training involves learning how to wrap presents, bake cookies, and decorate a tree. Speaking of not giving a fuck, during this elf training montage, one of the Joe Pesci elves’ eyes got all weird and milky-eyed for some reason, and nobody felt the need to fix it.

Evil Santa eventually catches the Bratz Babyz alone and convinces them to hand over the Power Wheels car. Then he makes the slowest, funniest getaway in movie history. They play the Power Wheels electric whirring sound as he drives off with his million dollars at the speed of toddler.

Of course, he’s immediately captured by the mall security cop, who, twist, is actually the mafia boss he owes money to! So progressive, girlbosses can be criminals, too. Luckily, the Joe Pesci elves find the Christmas spirit within themselves because the Bratz Babyz did all of that Christmas decorating and baking with them, which healed their childhood trauma. They join the Bratz Babyz for a dramatic Power Wheels car and reindeer chase that ends in the arrest of evil Santa and his girlcrimeboss as the Bratz Babyz look on nearly expressionlessly. It is barely the start of an idea for a story and it takes them an hour and ten minutes to tell it.

Yasmin’s Mom (leader of the parent ball?) calls and leaves a message on Gran’s answering machine to say the snow has cleared up and they will be making it to their kids for Christmas. She’s clearly pretty bummed not to be spending another lovely day snowboarding. The Bratz Babyz return to their beds knowing they saved Christmas and never had to have an individual personality at all.

I think the creators of Bratz Babyz really want their characters to have no canon at all. There was someone from the Bratz corporation holding a gun to the screenwriter’s head, saying, “I swear to God if these babies have a single thought other than saving Christmas, I will end you.” Which is why the mafia gets more screen time and personality than the Babyz. Curious but not interested, I tried to find out more about who the Bratz Babyz are. Instead, I found out they once did a Bratz Babyz toy line where they sold the Babyz inside milk cartons. They all look vaguely afraid, are wearing bikinis, and have milk bottles chained to them. It’s like someone wanted to send Barbie to hell. It’s like an AI tried to generate “human trafficking in the style of Snorks.”

Here are some other names of Bratz Babyz characters: Sorya, Bonita, Bunny Boo, Duane, Spud, Meygan, Roxxi, and Explodo Girl. What is happening with the Bratz Babyz, and why is it so bad? I will attempt to answer this question in 2025. Or, I will forget about it.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Michael Lehr, the weird milky-eyed elf in that one scene.