Learning Day: You Are All Sanpaku 🌭

Yes there i found myself again not too long ago, movin smoothly through the overcrowded isles of the friends-of-the-library book sale, like a cool bobcat maybe. My disdane for those filthy resellers almost balanced out by my hearts fondness for the elderly romance hoarders. Almost. Just huntin and prowlin around my musty and fluoresent-lit territory, scannin and watchful for the finest local and organic cursed tomes: the hot dog must ever be fed. You folks might think I just go straight to the sex and sexuality section but I dont, I look at it all. And every now and then…

…it looks back at me.

You might be reading that title and saying to yourself the same thing I did which is “I am!?” and “Wait, what is that?” respectavely. Well, I’ll answer you reverse respectavely, for your etification. What sanpaku is is

And like it emplies there, if you have it (and, fyi according to the book: America is A Land of Sanpaku), it’s bad:

Sounds pretty serious! Ah, but you want proof you say? Or examples? Oh ye but little faith, here’s some:

Which, saying Adolf Hitler’s “career” was “cut short” by “untimely death” is technically true I guess but perhaps youre with me in thinking its still weird to phrase it that way. And maybe your already googling so stop it, let me help you out, I dont want you gettin off-site distracted by just looking at more and more pictures of marilyn monroe cause that’s what happened to me. Here’s these ones:

Hm all those look like actually only one or two -paku eyes hold on.

Okay there we go: yes decidedly sanpaku indeed and guess what? she DID have a unhappy end (you maybe recollect elton john wrote a song about it for her but then he needed it back for a different lady) So hows that for proof!

Okay i see some of you are doubting Thomas and using your critical media consumption skills and mumblin about cherry pickin or showin me pictures of airplanes with red dots on them so you should know that the guy who wrote this book, George Ohsawa (his real name was Sakurazawa Nyoiti, depending on the day when you asked him he said chose Ohsawa either because it means Cherry Tree Pool or because he liked France and Ohsawa sounded like Oh ce va to him) anyway one time Tom Wolfe wrote a article about him called “Sanpaku on Second Avenue” and Tom said George told him BEFORE he got shot that Jack was totally sanpaku

Ugh, yeah, he definitely had a BUNCH of his white in the wrong places (not a sex with marilyn monroe joke). Anyway George took one look at all that unsightly sclera and said: that President of the United States is probably gonna have “great danger and difficulty”, and JFK definitely did, kinda famously right to his head. Twice! So: checkmate, positivitists! It took a while, but eventually a real nice librarian here did find that article on microfiche and sent me a scan and its pretty good Tom Wolfe readin, dry and droll and status-obsessed and all that. Here’s the prophecy part:

Oh Why didn’t we listen!? To what he told his followers privately and also a leader of the traditionalists!?

And actually there was another celebrity not listed there who got interested in George’s teachings:

Holy Shit I just remembered he died too! This is getting scary folks, at this point maybe some of you are checkin your own eyes or those of your loved ones…

Oh thank god.

But you should know that eye whites are only a SYMPTOM of a bigger health imbalance and so you should also be checking other things

Seems reasonable. Heres a couple lil pnemonics to help us remember that one:

Stool pumpkin-bright and -bobbin?

A de-light to inhale?

Full speed ahead, wise sailor,

No need to turn your health ship’s sails.

whereas:

Feces brown and sunken be?

Stinky to smell? Even to thee?

Sanpaku bound, I fear Thou Art.

My Savior God to Thee, How Great Thou Art.

And also:

My heart sunk at that one. I mean, I love a no-wiper as much as anybody else, but poopins already shameful enough I dont need a rough one to be yet another failed masculinity check (I still haven’t even ever finished The Prince). And also if your feelin left out, don’t worry, George has also got a lil something for the ladies:

I had to look up leucorrhea it means vaginal discharge which is usually healthy and normal but Ohsawa was all: “EWWWWW her thing was wet! You know what I bet it is I bet its…”

Its terrible what senpaku does to women you guys

George really really did not like the idea of women having any hair on their bodies. In fact its so terrible that, as an adult man who lived in Japan when they dropped a bomb on Hiroshima, he knew there was only one way to describe the implications of women lazily slippin into Sanpaku:

So now i hear you clamorin and wailin sissyneck please help us, is there nothin we can do to get our eyelids back up to the colorful part where it belongs and make our shit don’t stink and get our vaginas good and dry again and I say to you Be Still. It’s actually so easy to fix, it’s just eat different ya knuckleheads! Haven’t you ever heard of macrobiotics!? I had heard the word but didn’t really know what it was but it came from George and its basically just eat brown rice and nothing else especially sugar and don’t really drink anything except tea either. Cigarettes are still ok though. George promises you’ll get results quick:

The american guy that translated the book went full macrobionical and wrote his own part for this book about his experience. Its pretty long and personal and its one of those honestly pretty charming detours where you kinda forget and maybe even stop caring about the main story so much. Like in Dracula when it’s just Mina and Lucy writing letters to each other about how many proposals did they get that day or the monkey part in being john malkovich. Anyway, the american guy’s name was William Dufty and he did macrobiotics so hard he lost a lot of weight and never felt better and got his shit together for the first time except he did have to go to jail for a bit while he was doing macrobiotics but even the prisoners admired his new svelte frame

AND he discovered macrobiotics had the extra benefit side-effect of: giving you a new way to be obnoxious at restaurants.

This is important, think of how hard it is once your rich and can eat in expensive restaurants: you know your superior than the poors out there at there Shoneys and dairy bars, but now how do you have any way of being better than the people inside the restaurant with you? Macrobiotics, bud.

Hell yes I dont think its necessarily the first time in history bein a pain in the ass to your waiter was a way of signalin that you are special and wise, but it is a pretty good example of the genre. William was really good at it but you can see from that bit above that he got to go to Paris and meet the master who was at a whole other level:

Beautiful. I’m going to maybe try my hand at re-arranging the items on the taquito rollers at the Maverik Bonfire Grill to be pleasing to my own eye, perhaps in a little cabin structure. If they dont like it maybe dont have the tongs right there.

But anyway back to the science, some of you might be wonderin: so wait how would have this saved JFK, is it like brown rice and no eyewhite would have like karma protected him or something? Shame on you that is very vague and unscientific. No no it’s much more concrete than that, William ran the numbers for us:

So you see this is very grounded and STEM-based, a balanced-diet JFK would have had a big enough stamina bar that he would have been able to dodge roll to safety after taking damage from that first bullet.

And if that isnt enough empyrrhical basis for you, well look at all this scientifics:

You can see there at the bottom that George cited that he got this macrobiotics thing from a french BIO-CHEMIST (the highest possible scientist) named Kervran who said wait how do chickens make calcium for eggshells they don’t eat any calcium OATS DOESNT HAVE CALCIUM DUMMY and his logical conclusion was that a chicken is a witch.

Well technically, that a chicken is a alchemist. So thats nice to feel reassured that this sanpaku life advise isnt just weird dudes coming up with something out of nothing and sayin everybody do this an- Wait, rewind a little bit, what did the last part of that egg thing say?

Huh hold up here a second

Ok so actually it looks like all that Kervran stuff was totally discredited uh-oh. Well maybe macrobiotics is still fine and valid…

Ok well may be harmful thats not conclusieve, I dont know if we need “high-quality evidence” for every health intervention, probly no-one ever got hurt from just eatin only brown rice and no sugar or water an-

Folks. It’s sorta startin to look like maybe none of this Sanpaku stuff is real or replicationed or verifiable or anything other than: a couple a guys just really liked how it feels when you think you have access to special wisdom. Which it definitely does, it feels wonderful. I don’t know how about you but for me it feels sooooo much better than feeling confused and dumb and scared and helpless most of the time. But that don’t mean I can just leave you folks out here with all this misinformation pollution in the air here. I got to get some corrective fact-checking out here. Maybe listen to this good musical version of that Tom Wolfe article while I figure this out.

Ok Im back I did honestly a lot of lookin around and people, my research has put me in a spot I never thought I’d be in. Where I got to say something I can’t believe I gotta say it but to say: if someone asked me for maybe the best laid-out and most complete and accurate kinda primer or explainer about the truth of Sanpaku, well here’s the wikihow link.

In the name of jesus christ Amen

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Velo, a self-taught face reader who spends his free time diagnosing strangers in grocery stores.