Learning Day: The Seeders 🌭

THE SEEDERS: The Return Of The Gods is the worst work of woo-woo Fictional-Non-Fiction ever written, I hope. It is a manifesto of blood type discrimination, Deep State paranoia, “Egyptians = Extraterrestrials” free jazz, Deep State paranoia, “alien boyfriend” closed-door romantasy, racism, Deep State paranoia, and did I mention Deep State paranoia?

Many sincere-yet-pained thanks to “Sage Nabooru” on the Discord for suggesting this book. It is a quagmire. It is a verbal Vietnam. It puts the reader “in the shit”, as your C.O. might shout while pulling your bullet-riddled body into a huey.

THE SEEDERS is relentless. It’s so long yet it never slows down. Usually around page four hundred, an author’s energy level dips a bit. They need to take a walk or eat a cookie or something. This book reads like it was written in one furious sitting. Despite that endurance challenge, the author has no chill. They type at you with the tone of a stranger TALKING THIS LOUD about their MANY HATERS while you FIND YOUR BAG on the CHIPOTLE ONLINE ORDER SHELF.

THE SEEDERS is by author Elena Danaan. No, she is not the character from Willow or the character from Reservation Dogs. She is a French gal with a deranged website and a too-big Instagram following. Several hundred of them think this book has important insights about the alien technologies beneath the Great Pyramid Of Giza. They are wrong, and possibly white supremacists. We’ll get to that.

For now: blood types. I once made a (New York Times-recommended) podcast episode about the ways blood types are secretly incredibly fascinating. I am also a proud blood donor. I donate blood because my Grandma Schmidt did that, and donating makes me feel closer to her memory. I inherited her humongous arm veins. Nurses mention it most times, because I make sticking me easy. Other reasons I donate blood: the common good, I’m one of the few kinds of Americans they’ll accept blood from, I’m tall and heavy enough to not faint when they drain me.

Why is any of this relevant? I’m O-neg. Elena Danaan would flip her shit if she heard that. According to this book, Type O blood makes me a descendant of THE SEEDERS.

THE SEEDERS are a hundred different exhausting things. One of them is an alien race that’s the top race out of 24 races. It’s also one relevant race when it comes to blood types, psychic vibrations, and the abduction of humans by extraterrestrials. I guess UFOs might like me as much as those vein-appreciating nurses? I should watch my six, in a three-dimensional sense.

The basic sales pitch for this book is “a kook thinks blood types come from aliens, and thinks Type O is magic.” That is accurate. But it’s one sliver of the lore here. Did you know the Annunaki battled a rival race of Nebu (?) to prevent “tracker dust” from infecting Terran blood lineages? You did not know that! You probably still don’t know that! Due to incomprehensibility!

That’s an excerpt from Elena’s astral conversation with the alien Ardaana, rerouted through the consciousness of another alien called Thor Han. They say this in a sidebar chat during a larger assembly of the Intergalactic Confederation. I know that’s a lot of legwork for one back-and-forth. It’s all worth it, though, because it ends with the aliens refusing to provide actionable information.

Thanks for nothing, Alien Game Of Telephone. Now I’m a tracker-dust sitting-duck. A beam-uppable bumpkin. A reptiloid’s rube. And I know what you’re wondering: what does all of this mean for human-alien hybrids? Answer: did you read this author’s pre-requisite first book?

Also, what kind of doofus are you? Don’t you know there’s several other disciplines you must understand, before comprehending whatever this French gal scribble-painted?

There’s way too much canon in this book. It’s a grind to get through, despite its vivid interstellar adventures. The aliens are in your face throughout. This is not one of those woo-woo books where they’re panning for glimmers of secret stuff. Elena Danaan does an astounding mental conversation or a physical spaceship trip with an extraterrestrial every week. She makes that clear. Every passage in this book is date-stamped. By my count, Elena Danaan made at least 40 significant voyages to the stars within a calendar year. Also, she was abducted by aliens at age 9. Also, she is an alien? Her website has the exhausting blow-by-blow. Meanwhile, her book unspools endless blather about the extraterrestrials showing her the big switchboard for consensual mixing of human blood types and alien genital fluids.

This book gets darker than I hoped. I wanted a light, loopy chuckle. I just wanted a hippie to tell me my blood type makes me related to that prequel Jedi with the long neck or whatever. Then I’d guffaw about it with my Hotdogger pals before drifting off to sleep and making cartoon character snore sounds. I figured blood types could only get so wild. I also figured the Lisa Frank-meets-Woodstock cover art indicated a comfy ride.

My dear Hotdogger: you might’ve been a bit less trusting than me. You might’ve guessed the problems with a “ranking humans by a genetic trait” book. You also might know about the niche problem of a few Japanese people discriminating by blood type. Wow: stop it! Stop seeing what’s coming!

Set aside that cozy cup of tea. Despite mostly depicting aliens, this book is the most white supremacist text I’ve ever read. Along the way, this book is also horny. The art is even more horny than the text. There isn’t an artist credit for anything but the cover art. I have to assume Elena Danaan inked this sucker. The do-it-all creator Elena Danaan fills her book with this guy:

Hmm. Handsome? This book’s art gives a chiseled jaw to the most jawless alien type in all of science fiction. Also this book’s text makes clear these aliens are 6’7”. I don’t like that. You’re not supposed to draw, describe, or depict the Greys like they’re Christian Grey. I also despise Elena’s wardrobe choice here. I’ve been around the block. I can identify a come-hither “polo shirt plus sex agate chest-charm.” And when Elena’s not drawing this hunk in clothes, she fades the shirtless version into a stylized version of herself:

That alien is named “Enki”. He feels like he’s Elena’s emergency backup lover. Why backup? She doodles much more fan art of an alien called “Thor Han.” Thor Han looks like a Twilight Saga Blond Patriarch Vampire (But Alien). He’s from a planet I forget the name of. Based on his Nordic name, and based on the rest of Elena’s writing, let’s say Thor is from the Aryan System. Which is in the MAGalaxy. Which is in the Milkier Way. Here’s his blonde mug with various other characters.

Be right back. Changing my Discord name to “Alex Schmidt saying hi from a Martian biodome.”

I’m back. And I haven’t quite delivered the sex goods yet, re: Thor Han. Elena Danaan draws him as a sociable Star Trek officer type. No spicy doodles. She gets dirtier, obliquely, in text:

If you say “I will come and take you tonight for a little treat”, and someone else is in the room, you are common law married in rural America.

If you’re out there intoning the words “I am Father / I am back”, society asks that you be hot and ideally George Michael.

This is an orgasm. It’s a description of an orgasm. If you fired up your phone camera and performed this sentiment in a YouTube video about Lemuria, you’d be a (roundabout) sex worker. Elena is obviously into aliens. She’s hot for an alien with the right blood type to drench her astro-undies. Hilariously, she also implies Thor Han – an idealized lover she invented – is Just Not That Into Her™.

In Elena’s defense, what’s a girl to do? She’s got a type. He’s got flowing blonde locks. And we all know the alien species with the right hair color are just…better. And cleaner.

Hmm. I guess you’re allowed to describe the appearance of the alien species you make up. But please steer clear of specific Earth-race stuff as you–

Alright. That’s…semi-objective, still? At least you don’t throw around the kind of terminology I’d expect from an 1800s Rudyard Kipling drinking buddy–

So Thor Han (Alien/White) says the Gnomopo (Alien/African?) are non-peaceful by default. I guess I should’ve known their race is aggressive based on their [Old-Timey Word For Body And Head Shape]. Thanks for the hot tip! Followed by a reference to a Will Smith movie! I sure hope all this made-up alien stuff has no relevance to modern concepts of human racial differe–

Suck on that, Black Everyone. Time to stop opposite-of-bragging about the scientific consensus that humans originated in Africa. Also, some of you eagle-eyed Hotdoggers may have noticed other nightmares at the end of that Independence Day passage. Elena Danaan fears the Deep State. This is only a red flag if you know anything about red flags. So let’s explore whether it’s a red flag, shall we? Clue number one: Elena also worries about the CIA. The introduction of this book is chock full of agony about the CIA’s efforts to crush Elena’s important investigations. Does she proceed to describe any of those CIA plots? Is there any concrete way a CIA agent bothered Elena? No. She’s sure they’re after her, some way, she says. This makes Elena both an unhinged crank and a typical Republican.

By the way, Elena spends a few dozen pages recounting one of the most revelatory experiences of her entire life. That experience? Three social media services, owned by one company, went down for a couple hours.

In Elena’s defense, lots of us feel bad using Facebook. She probably has a normal approach with other websites and media–

Good news: Elena has the CIA pegged. Elena knows what the CIA are up to. For example, the CIA are up to everything.

Elena’s book is a conspiracy overload. It’s also a concept overload. She simply piles up too many concepts. It turns out, if you detach from anything needing to be real, it’s surprisingly easy to say a lot of things in a row.

To Elena Danaan, this is scholarship. Elena Danaan is the kind of “scholar” who thinks every concept that has ever been mentioned is one of the Pokemon of Universal Knowledge – and whoever lists the most concepts first wins.

Elena is also confident knowledge is power. She read that on a cereal box or a G.I. Joe clip or whatever. Then she says the CIA plot goes deeper than you think. It goes deeper than the [re-reads her previous text] blogs accessible to anyone browsing the Internet. Elena knows exactly what the CIA and their plus-ones want to do to us. One of the CIA’s main goals is to erase our concept of a gender binary.

It gets worse. How? The exact way you think it does. As demonstrated by our nation’s Final Kennedy, every health kook is Autobahn-ing their way down an interstate whose final exit is blood and soil fascism. Elena Danaan isn’t special. Her only twist is applying this to the soils on other planets.

Elena Danaan isn’t special…unless she is special? Her one boring twist on fascism is also a little extraordinary. Elena Danaan is a French person who’s spent many years in Egypt, the United States, and other countries beyond those. She also alleges she’s been abducted by aliens, revisited by aliens, and flown through a lot of the universe. You would think this would give a person a little perspective. Some kind of overview effect. Instead, Elena Danaan beheld the wonders of the universe, took in the fundamental truths of existence, and decided Fox News is right about Vladimir Putin.

Let’s go back a step to Egyptology. Elena Danaan is a professional archaeologist, she says. She’s also a proud graduate of two schools I can’t find any further information about by googling. She says she studied ancient spiritualities, Druidism, Magic, Alchemy, and Shamanism. Her shamanism comes from a French bloodline and also a Norse bloodline, because the Brown People who mostly coined the term “shaman” could not be less important to her. Anyway, here’s Elena beneath the Pyramid of Djoser.

Oh my god. A real thing. Did Elena do archaeology at real Egyptian places? Here she is with the real Egyptologist Dr. Zahi Hawass:

Well that proves it. Elena must have important Egypt Stuff to share. I wonder who else she explored Egypt with?

Hmm. Thor Han was there. And she wore a dainty slip. And the text says while she worked in Egypt, she battled a “boss” who was a disguised lizard person who ate and/or sexually exploited young boys.

You’ll be shocked to learn Elena lost her job with the Egyptology people. Why? She brought this lizard version of Pennywise to their attention. Another brave truth, spoken too powerfully. Also, I did some impressive journalism about Egyptology, in the sense that I subscribe to Smithsonian Magazine and they run ads for expensive tourism tours of Egyptian sites led by Dr. Zahi Hawass. I sincerely respect Dr. Hawass as a Bill Nye type figure for the archaeology world. I also suspect Elena Danaan spent time with him for reasons beyond her scholarly brilliance. Young Elena might’ve been what the French call “a rich girl”. The French call it that because a lot of them speak English. Elena Danaan is an “Egyptologist” who worked with Zahi Hawass in the sense that a wealthy subset of my childhood Chicago-area friends were colleagues of Michael Jordan.

The above drawing is more Egypt stuff. It’s a doodle by Elena’s friend, who claims to have done a stint as a SuperSoldier in the space forces of the Intergalactic Council.

These space forces are a ripoff of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. They do battle with an ominous force called “The Dominion”:

Then another character gets described this way:

Check out these “different” uniforms:

And hey, did one of your math teachers ever show you neon art of fractals? Guess what two things those fractals represent:

Anyway, enough violation of Gene Roddenberry’s estate’s IP. The rest of the book wears itself out indexing kookery. One page throws together the Roswell incident, a photoshop of an alien flying an Air Force plane, and a claim the Stargate franchise is government reverse psychology to pave the way for us accepting its canon as fact.

I give up. This gal is too horny, racist, and mad at everyone to spend more time with. She did get weird about blood types to the minimum extent her book jacket promised. I’m glad I discovered how far she took that. The next time I donate blood, I will remember Elena stinks. And if there’s one other lesson to take away from THE SEEDERS, it’s whatever the hell this is supposed to mean:

Congratulations, Elena Danaan. You computer-generated one image, and it’s an image I don’t hate. Its message might be the harmless (?) philosophy of overcoming fear to pork an alien species. Focus on that, instead of the rest of your whole deal. If there’s one element of you I respect, it’s not your fixation on Type O blood. It’s your commitment to using fiction, fantasy, and delusion to achieve Type O-Face.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Sam Koepnick, licensed agent of evil and longtime collector of Benedict Cumberbatch-as-a-Pleiadian fanart.