Punching Day: Sissyneck’s Getting Even! 🌭

Well this is what I ordered:

(Thats suppose to be a whistle there on the right)

And this is what i got:

Its a sign of my exhaustion with this decayin world that even though my copy didnt come with the promised and pictured whistle, i couldnt even bring myself to write a mad email sayin where’s my whistle give me a free book please. I just tiredly did the product review:

I mean i still gotta say *something*…i aint gonna one-star it, Im not tryin to wreck a resellers livelihood (lord knows i been on that side of things) but also I feel i have a Duty To Warn them as might also be tryin to procure the original item for archival or collectors purposes.

A brief a side: after I did that review this happened next, which i didn’t know we were doin now:

Oh i tried to resist. I know about 100 good reasons not to do this, and I know you do to, so you may scoff at me as weak and throw your stones, but I wonder, if in a moment of private ungardedness…mightent you also succome?

Okay now im good and mad. Which, i think maybe to approach this book properly, its probably correct to be in a bit of a mean spirit, or, as i over-heard a father say to his young son in a shop once: “Tienes los crankies.” Because even though it is listed as a humor book, there was no laughter left my lips as i read it, more just a feelin of bein contaminated and currupted by hate and a bittersomeness.

You can join in and get angry with me if you want; here maybe make a grumpy face and say like: “What the hell is this, why are we even looking at this book? Richard Smith sounds like a dipshit, whos that, that name sounds super forgettable but also maybe familiar?”

We got here today because he wrote this one:

Which i will take this opportunity to refresh our hotdog PSA about the dangers of toxomplasmosis: if even for a second your brain was more interested in the kitty kama sutra than the Getting Even book, please go get parasite-tested.

So yes ok Richard Smith is a honorable writer about cat sex but does that make him a qualified instructor for teaching us what we want to know about vengance and such? Let’s get upset again: Who the hell does this guy DICK (smirk) Smith think he is to tell us about getting even? Well take a look at what else he wrote and published and sold:

Okay now its my turn to be mad at all of you: Raise a hands: how many of YOU skepticals reading this today have a best selling tetratrilogy? AND a NYT author profile!? Hm I dont see any hands out there (except Pargin’s maybe). Well well well how interesting thats what i THOUGHT, maybe sit down and be humble and get ready to learn from Richard about living well. Ooh, this feels kinda nice to be all mad in a righteous fashion, I’m feelin kinda energized over here.

That author profile is honestly pretty incomprehensible to my gentile eyes but there are two important parts, one is Richards oragine story:

A poster! Isn’t that just the silliest and most unprobable route to becomin a humor-writin fella you ever heard!? Let’s take just a second to share a giggle on that one.

Here’s the poster in case you were wondering:

Dont worry about the part you can’t read it says things like getting a erection burns up 1 calorie and fellatio is 22 and cunnalingalus is also 22. Just one of those things that reminds us that 1972 is a foreign country and leaves us in wondrous confusion about who would possibly and/or ever hang this on a wall.

The other important part of the profile is just a excellent addition to our vocabulary words list:

Tummler. It feels nice in the mouth, but I’m still a little unclear on what it actually significants, perhaps I should try to find a recent example on the web:

Haha ok yes now I know what that is this helps me understand why theres always those young ladies who are so nice to me at bat mitzvahs and why they love doin the electric slide so much.

Ok i feel like I took a wrong emotional turn here I’m feeling delighted and charmed by the wonderful absurdity of the world, that aint no mind set for GETTING EVEN, lets back up a bit and ask Richard Smith to get us back on the right road of anger and resentious here. Get us started Rich.

Alright thats more like it, its time to get impatient and pissy if there is anything that delays my inmediate gradification. And you can probably already tell that Richard wrote a whole book about stuff that never happened, but thats fine, around here we know that thats maybe even better for our purposes of trying to understand the minds of them what create the cursed artifacts upon which this Patreon is built.

I think this is a excellent startin principle. Us versus Them is almost kinda baked into our brains as a way of getting het up. Half and half is also good proportions, that way you get to both feel like you and your army of good ‘uns are both always strong and numerous and victory is just right there and possible but also you are arrayed against a vast host of bad guys and have to be ever watchful and vigilant about losing the fight to this stenchsome tide of profligerate evil. Holy shit can you feel it? My heart is startin to shift up into Braveheart gear, its delicious. Who should we hate first?

Yeah thats a pretty good overview, lets keep going and get specific:

Ah ok were supposed to be mad at accents I understand that I think, its a pretty convenient way of knowin that someone was born in a different place than you and are therefore a Them deservin of disdane and sneer. Who else we got:

Whoa thats another good batch, we got The Criminal, the Homeless, Bicyclists, Activists, holy shit can you imagine including ANY of that awful bunch in a consideration of social responsibility!?

Hold on I need to check up on something here real quick.

Damn it looks like our boy Rich is somewhat of a innervater! But dont get too caught up in the specifics, Richard knows that we can do way better than just hatin who our respective news medias tell us to, look:

Oh yeah ok i think i am starting to see the pattern and purpose behind Richard’s mental martial arts movements. From what i can tell, I need to be 1) pretty constantly considering if there is anything at all ever gettin in the way of me doing whatever i want at any time and then when I identify a constrante, ANY barrier at all on my convenients or behavior I 2) simply identify the Them that is to blame for obstructin between me and 100 percent personal liberty. None of you would object to a man pursuin his personal liberty, right!? You better not, I got a whole lot of blank spaces left in the Haters section of my diary (dont worry its got constellations on the cover so its still masculine).

Lets try it out:

Oh yeah see how good it works!? A foolish amateur at this might think its hard or weird or wrong to get mad at somebody for being nice to somebody else but just remind yourself of the thinkin patterns weve learned and youll see that this so called “good” “person” is doin it on 1) your valuable time and 2) are a Do-Gooder, which we all know They are just so full of shit and probly think there better than me. And then yeah, theres that lil emotional “warm-all-over” treat we talked about. This is going great you guys. Lets do another one

Ok this might seem like a simple one of course its good to hate pedestrians, if someone is out here just WALKIN how are we supposed to know if they even have a car loan! But look closer can you see theres another important addition to our dance steps here? Its that rule at the end about but what about WHY are they in my way: If theyre doin theyre level best under difficult circumstances then yeah, of course dont run em over Richard is not a monster. But if theyre intentions or character is bad then fuckin hit the pedal hoss. You might be sayin: but how can I, with my human limitations, know whats in the heart of another? Well thats the best part of this one, you dont have to! Honestly. for ease of use its best in this system were usin to just go ahead and assume the other person is malicious or stupid, you can add some of each to your taste and likin. To ask me to do otherwise would be QUITE a inconvients indeed and we know what happens then. Haha i just realized this system even works to defend itself, thats some kinda elegants.

Lets turn our eyes back to our Sensei and watch as he executes this masterfully against some of the worst offenders in our so-called “civilized society”:

Ugh can you imagine bein so ignernt as to ask someone how did they make this good food you liked and appreciated? To me? Thats just about as rude as bein interested in someones guitar pedal setup. These people!

Haha watch though you can pretty easy flip it around if your left-handed or whatever:

Ugh can you imagine so ignernt as to think your dumb recipes are so special that you got to screen out someone who is maybe just bein polite? That’s just about as rude as bein all gate-keepy about your usin a Holy Grail which no shit. These people!

That was fun I felt about the same levels of heat writin both of those haha! Or maybe they were already the same because of how the sarcasm? I got a little turned around there but anyway, the main point is you really can throw any ol content you want in here folks, its the process what matters. Are there limitations you ask? Lets test some edges here:

Another masterful combo: we start with the easy and expected hate for people who let the dogs poop in your lawn, but then the unexpected Black Belt manouever of a muscular fist to each side of the head of a guy who DOES pick up his dogs mess! Haha he thought he was safe but nuh-uh bud. “Would he even pick up his wife’s shit from the sidewalk?” Richard muses, in a normal-man fashion.

Who else might test the reach and might of our master’s power?

Kids? No problem, throw em in. That one isnt too hard i guess because you can always hate the parents who are just letting their kid be joyful or creative or lettin their goddamn baby cry near me. (Yes, there are many such complaints in this book).

Theres gotta be a limit to this somewhere though right? Surely this aint a full panaseeya.

Whoa ok holy shit! Really, how far can this thing go? Like for example if durin a formative part of your life you were a heavy guy working as a waiter and it sucked and you got treated like shit:

Then surely you woudnt go real hard on that specific combo-meal of characteristics in your book, right? Like if you had a important weight loss journey or whatever, it’d be a little sad to turn around and hate all over folks who are bigger like you used to be, right?

Oh never mind, i guess we are supposed to contemptuous at them too, perhaps for not having the same discipline to fornicate there way to shapely hips and thighs like Richard did.

But DEFANITLY we’d guess that most people who had suffered as waitstaff to the rich might be MORE likely to have a little kindness and grace once they found themselves on the sittin end of the table, wouldn’t we?

Like it would be pretty crazy for a ex-waiter to even think of this kinda thing, let alone writin it up and putting it out in a book:

Theres a whole other page of these but you know what no. Because I think weve already discovered the disturbin but perhaps foreseeable truth: that the secret of Richard Smith’s Guide to Getting Even ‘pparently starts with the man in the mirror. To be a true master of aggreifed intitledment, you must learn to apply this system of thought and attribution to past versions of your own self. Its basically that part of empire strikes back that scared and confused us as kids and now we know why. And don’t forget: our past versions of ourselves started like one second ago. Like, theres one back at the beginnin of this paragraph, which i guess i’m supposed to scorn him too now. Which that might at first sound like exhaustion and miserable, but now that I say it out loud i can kinda see how the whole system and cycle might depend on applyin it inside first and welp just imagine the alternative of what if you dident in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: FancyShark who still packs a broom mic in case revenge demands an Elvis verse and a hip shake.