Robert Brockway, Author at 1-900-HOTDOG

Welcome to the second installment of my bold experimental take on Darktown Strutters, a movie. Just like the first installment, we will not be talking about the movie.

It still counts as a bold experiment even if it’s designed for failure.

Parts of Darktown Strutters were a lot of fun, but we’ve talked about that. That’s over. Fun has been skinned and rolled in hot asphalt then hit with a truck and left to gasp out in a ditch. This is Upsetting Day. Every single image you will now witness is a still from a Ring-style cursed film that will kill you in 7 minutes. That’s right, minutes. I am force-feeding you a haunt here. Better read quick, motherfucker, or you won’t even be able to see the murderous ghosts about to come out of your own asshole.

Cursed Image #1̵6̶7̶

W-What is this???

This might be a Rule 34 violation of an old-timey Looney Tunes side character who never took off. The Wacktacular Adventures of Horndog Hog, Porcine Pervert may not have found much of an audience outside of pre-furries in the roaring ‘20s, but Pork Hollow, Kentucky still built a statue of him in the town rhombus because in order to be ashamed of something, you need at least one other thing to compare it to.

W-What’s going to happen to me???

Upon viewing this brutalist statue of a sexually deviant swim-pig, you will be overcome by a sense of justified meta-paranoia. Something is out to get you: Paranoia itself.

Cursed Image #4̴1̷3̶

W-What is this???

This might be a living painting of an extremely problematic ad from a Jim Crow-era lifestyle magazine. A publication that could not find a way to hawk basic home goods without slipping into hate speech, but has since found an audience with hipsters who are embracing racism ironically at first, yet slip farther into genuine bigotry with every person who does not “get” their “humor.”

W-What’s going to happen to me???

Upon viewing this bizarre tableau of a white man in a bunny costume carrying a giant carrot past two black women — one a nun, the other Aunt Jemima — you will begin to taste a meal you can almost recognize but never describe. It will grow between your teeth, making your every bite of any food Mystery Meal. You will only ever learn one thing about Mystery Meal: It is an extreme diuretic.

Cursed Image #3̵̗̿͊

This might be the “After” picture in a commercial for Clown Community College. All clowns wind up in jail. To be a clown is a jail in and of itself, and you’ll never understand that until you put on the makeup for both the first and last time. Jail Clown was so very careful not to get an ounce of white on his wispy blonde mustache, because he does not want to sully the wonderful shade of red it will become later.

W-What’s going to happen to me???

Upon gazing through this disturbing telepathic porthole into the buried subconscious of every televangelist, Jail Clown will rise up and charge you, giggling and exposing his penis.

This is what actually happens in the movie.

I am sorry for talking about the movie. It won’t happen again.

Cursed Scene #4̶̡̲͛̐6̵̙̬̀

This might be actual footage from a police chase in modern-day Portland, Oregon.

W-What’s going to happen to me???

Upon viewing this scene, you will hear engines coming from no specific direction. They will grow louder the closer you are to anything more flavorful than mayonnaise.

Cursed Image #6̶̻̭̈́,̵̮̦̇͐0̴̮̀̋0̸̧͖̍͛1̷̲̤̂̽

W-What is this???

This might be the cover of the Tower of Power album they were never allowed to release. The one that had to be buried because it would not burn, and then, once buried, would only burn. It is the reason they had to evacuate Centralia, and the reason why nobody with funk in their heart can live in Eastern Pennsylvania to this day.

W-What’s going to happen to me???

Upon viewing this image, you will be forced to contemplate its meaning forever. Every answer you land upon will be extremely problematic for wildly different reasons, and you will emerge from it like Michael Richards – harboring a virulent secret racism that you will insist did not, could not possibly have come from you.

Cursed Image #7̶̘̻͗̂͘ͅ,̷͍̜̾̍ͅ4̵̯̔̂̕2̶̭̥̔1̸̺̀,̸͉̙̺͊͘2̴̼̮̆͘3̶̺̗̰͂͋͠4̵̫̙̫̈́̒

W-What is this???

This might be the kompromat footage of Newt Gingrich that They use to make him act that way. It could also be a screencap from literally any David Lynch movie. Possibly any David Lynch interview.

W-What’s going to happen to me???

Upon viewing this image you will become super-fertile, but all of your children will rapidly age and crumble into dust within minutes, learning only enough language to curse your name for bringing them into this world.

Cursed Image #4̷̪̓̕0̴̢̤̤̝͎̂͌͐̓

W-What is this???

This might be the lowest rated mod in the Skyrim workshop. It might be a screengrab from that one episode of Pee-wee’s Playhouse you’re never sure you actually saw. It might be a short glimpse into the mind of every bitter housewife who holds her children back from running to the ice cream man until she can see his face.

W-What’s going to happen to me???

Upon viewing this image, every popsicle you touch will turn into a pot-sicle. DO NOT CELEBRATE, THERE IS A COST. Every horse you touch will turn into that split-necked undead abomination up there, ceaselessly shrieking for death – your death, its death, any kind of death; it does not discern. It’s just a stupid horse. Oh also all dogs are now horses.

Cursed Scene #1̴̨͔͙̳̼̜̾͋̍̒͑͐̆͐̕͝

W-What is this???

This might be a Gordian Knot of impossibly tangled bigotry. It might be the pivotal scene from Edgelord, the movie whose vicious reviews drove Wrong Dimension Uwe Boll into his frankly inevitable killing spree. It seriously might be the worst five seconds you could ever see if the Rob Zombie in our universe hadn’t started making movies.

W-What’s going to happen to me???

Upon viewing this scene, you will feel an overwhelming urge to put on a sequin dress and rub shoepolish on your face. If you fight it, you will slowly curl into a ball so tight that you will eventually invert and unbecome. If you don’t fight it, you’ll wind up doing drag in blackface and the only career that will have you is Prominent Politician.

Cursed Image #4̵̨͉̣͈͚͕͙̳̋̀̀̈́̂̾́̈́ͅ2̴͈̱͋́̽̀͊̄̃̂̒̕͝2̷̪̠̩̖̜̩̬̠̩̥̣̈.̵̨̞̣̩̪̲͖̜͉̻̩̫͐͛͘5̵̞͇̫̜̖̤͚͔̹̳̳̰͋̈͊́̈́̏́͝5̵̨͎̩̩̰̰͉̾̈̎̈ͅ

W-What is this???

This might be the private video you can only access if you become a member of Alex Jones’ Patreon. Or this might be the training video they keep issuing to Florida’s Neighborhood Watch. It might just be what Mall Security looks like to black people whenever they windowshop a Williams-Sonoma.

W-What’s going to happen to me???

Upon viewing this image, you will shout that exact quote every single time you hear an airhorn. One day you will meet Waka Flocka Flame. This will be the day you die.

Cursed Scene #8̶̛̻͕͕͈̅́̿̔͜7̴̦̩̜̂͆̀̅̉͘

W-What is this???

This might be the music video Smashing Pumpkins made for “Today” if modern Billy Corgan finally finds a way to send his current consciousness back to his 1990s body. This might be the last thing you see after unwisely attending an All You Can Eat Orgy. This might be a Stanford Halloween party.

W-What’s going to happen to me???

Upon viewing this scene, you will only be able to smell the insides of those pig masks, you will only be able to feel the dampness of those Klan robes, you will only be able to hear the excited erotic huffing of all parties pictured. It will almost immediately drive you to suicide.

7̵̥̗̫̦̍̀ ̶̭̤̾ͅm̴̖̫̌i̵̤͐̌́n̴̛̲̱̩̭̊̑̅ǘ̶̮͑t̷̛̯̺͎̗̾͂ḛ̶̀͒̔̕s̵̡͕̓̾̿͝.̸̝̊̾

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This article was brought to you by our fine patron and Hot Dog Supreme, Hawk: and that’s pronounced with eight additional seconds of silent eye contact.

Darktown Strutters is… I hesitate to even call it a movie, since that seems so reductive of the experience, but if I must define it somehow, I suppose that word is as inadequate as any other. Here are more words that wither and die in the presence of Darktown Strutters: It’s billed as a blaxploitation science fiction musical comedy, but it’s really a jigsaw puzzle of barely connected scenes that all seem to violently disagree on what movie they’re in. Watching Darktown Strutters is like watching 7,183 bizarre short films that all share the same costumes and setpieces, which were stolen from some kind of extremely racist circus.

Darktown Strutters is at spiritual war with itself. It’s a hell of a lot of fun – big dance numbers! Colorful characters! Wacky fast-forward chase scenes! And it is also deeply upsetting. There are several zany attempted rapes, more blackface than a Stanford Halloween party, and at one point our heroine attempts to give a robot an abortion. There are images here that will plant ghosts in your brain. It is without question that you will have a good time watching Darktown Strutters, and it is without question that your pineal gland will need an exorcism afterward. So welcome, then, to the first ever multi-part Hot Dog Extravaganza! For Nerding Day, we will explore the bizarrely themed gangs of Darktown Strutters like they were rejected from an all-black River City Ransom for being too unbalanced.

For Upsetting Day, well… let’s not think about Upsetting Day. That’s 48 entire hours from now. You could be dead by then! You should be dead by then! That way you’d never have to pay for all the fun you’re about to have!

A quartet of strong black women dressed like a parody sketch about Mardi Gras. They take no sass, which is wildly hypocritical since they are nothing but sass.

Passive ability: Trike Transformation

The Darktown Strutters each have a custom three-wheeled motorcycle that can evade all pursuit. This is because they can only be seen from a great distance, or from behind, since every time they ride they magically transform into large black stuntmen.

Special Move: The Getup Getdown

Boss Fight: Flash

Baby brother and practitioner of African Karate, which he learned from a door-to-door salesman.

Flash’s Primary Method of Travel: Karate

An all-black motorcycle club whose every member was ripped, screaming, from an entirely different time period. They do not own motorcycles, though they do call scooters motorcycles. They also only own one scooter, and cannot ride it. The Batch are like black Smurfs, in that they are named after their one personality trait. Mellow is mellow, Wired is wired, and VD, true to theme, has venereal diseases. Man in Hat is a man in a hat.

Passive Ability: Funky Twitching

The Batch can evade all grappling moves since the director demanded that none of them ever stand still, even for a moment.

Special Move: The Zany Rape Attempt

Boss Fight: Philo Raspberry

Private Detective who does no detecting, or anything else. He plays a tiny piano and enjoys being kidnapped.

Philo Raspberry’s Special Item Drop: Poor Quality Champagne

Klansmen that appear out of nowhere, for purposes that are never explained, and often forget to do anything before they vanish from the scene. For example, see above: That is the entirety of their first appearance in the film. Four pop out of a trailer, then two magically appear on bikes, and all are gone by the next cut without doing or saying anything.

Passive Ability: Motocross Mania

The Surprise Road-Klan gain double-speed when on bikes, but always forget who they are pursuing in favor of doing sweet motocross tricks.

Special Move: Birth of a Nac-Nac

Boss Fight: Sky Hog

A Colonel Sanders-like character, he runs a barbecue joint as a front for a white power cloning operation. This may be the plot of the actual movie, but the plot does not get enough screen time to be certain.

Sky Hog’s Primary Method of Travel: Tiny Cape Flap

Like many other gangs, characters, and important plot points from the movie, this single brief scene is the entirety of their only appearance. They steal the film as easily as they steal something, probably, from the building they exploded with that bazooka.

Passive Ability: Style, Style, Style

The Hot Pink Bazooka Pimps are the Boba Fett of Darktown Strutters. They do nothing and presumably die stupidly, but you will still fall in love.

Special Move: R.P.B. (Rocket Propelled Backhand)

Boss Fight: Casabah Volt

Drives around with his harem in a city bus converted to look, inside and out, like a sultan’s palace.

Casabah Volt’s Special Item Drop: Inexplicable Full Desk Typewriter

Found strolling darkened parks and grungy alleyways in formation, they are always singing barely recognizable Motown hits in a vaguely menacing manner.

Passive Ability: Aggressive Serenade

The A Capella Ramblers’ ultimate destination is your face, which they will sing straight into like it’s a fleshy microphone. All targets receive -2 to Panty Integrity.

Special Move: The Down Low High Note

Boss Fight: Dog Pimp

Dog Pimp is always seen leading the A Capella Ramblers like a herald. He is physically incapable of being anything less than pimpalicious.

Dog Pimp’s Unique Companion: Pimp Dog

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This article was brought to you by our fine patron and Hot Dog Supreme, Yannis Ioannidis: is the first person based on the film 3 Ninjas Kick Back.