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Upsetting Day: Grosse Pointe
Author: Lydia Bugg
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I’m a big fan of Christmas movies that are deeply fucked, but even I was a little disturbed by the blank CGI faces of the baby hive mind starring in The Bratz Babyz Save Christmas The Movie. It’s already uncomfortable watching babies (sorry Babyz (they are not human)) in miniskirts and knee-high boots do anything, but it’s especially horrific watching them save Christmas.
The Bratz Babyz movie is self-aware enough to establish immediately that the Bratz Babyz parents are irresponsible. They have dumped their children with a babysitter the day before Christmas so they can go snowboarding. The babysitter is called Gran. She might be one of their grandmas, but she never favors one more than the other and always calls their parents “your parents” like they were all fused together in a ball during a horrible sci-fi snowboarding accident.
Gran is far too incompetent to care for children. Her hair grows directly out of her visor and she constantly looks like she’s having an allergic reaction to shellfish. That may be what’s causing her incompetence? Oh God, is Gran dying?
Apparently, The Bratz Babyz’ terrifying mono-parent got snowed in at the radical ski resort they chose to fuck off to the day before Christmas, so now they won’t be home on Christmas Day, whoops! Gran decides to take the Bratz Babyz to the mall so they can beg a mall Santa to make their parents care more about them than snowboarding. The Babyz names are Jade, Cloe, Sasha, and Yasmin. However, you don’t need to know that because they mostly speak and move as a hive mind and have no distinctive personalities. There’s no smart one, sports one, rebel one, pretty one dynamic at play. All are Bratz Babyz and Babyz are all.
Once at the mall, the Bratz Babyz see a Radical Power Wheels convertible toy and learn that orphans exist, and they don’t get Radical Power Wheels for Christmas. This causes them to emote as much as they possibly can, which is a slight frown at best. They are all on baby Botox.
Obviously, all orphans deserve a bitchin’ convertible for Christmas. You might think that this movie will be about the Bratz Babyz getting those orphans a convertible, and you would be partially correct, but it’s mostly about the Bratz Babyz taking down the mob. The algorithm said people love watching children take down criminals for the holidays.
There’s a criminal dressed as Santa who owes money to some very bad people for a botched armored truck robbery. But don’t worry, he botched the felony in a cute way. He sat on some fudge that his elf sidekicks tried to give him for Christmas and got so angry and spent so much time yelling at them that the truck drove away. His sidekicks are the most whimsical little mafia men you’ll ever meet. Joe Pesci should sue the Bratz for blatantly stealing his whole deal.
The Santa thief and his mini Joe Pescis see a TV report about how the orphans actually will be getting their bitchin’ convertible for Christmas and in the trunk will be a million dollar donation to the orphanage from a rapper who grew up there. They don’t name the rapper, he’s just DJ Plot Device. I don’t know why the reporter chose to let everyone know the exact location of an unguarded million dollars, but the evil Santa and his elves are like, sweet! Free money! Now our boss won’t murder us! You would probably have to explain the concept of organized crime to any child you showed this movie. But if you are showing a child Bratz Babyz Save Christmas The Movie, you’re raising at least a murderer.
The Bratz Babyz hear evil Santa complaining about his elves and decide they must help Santa deliver presents this year, so they put on elf hats and sneak out of the house in Gran’s mechanical sleigh decoration that can go 50 miles per hour for some reason. Where is Gran while the children are escaping? Oh, she dressed up as Santa and got stuck in the chimney, where she will remain for the rest of the video. Gran is negligent. She has failed herself and the children. She has failed Christmas. And she will pay for it with her life.
The Bratz Babyz arrive at the North Pole, which is, I guess, in the same town where they live. Later, they say it’s actually a North Pole training facility. The audience for this is five-year-old aspiring foot camgirls, so I’m not going to quibble about geography. This exists in the same dreamlike state as a baby who thinks they could probably walk to Alaska in about thirty minutes if they really wanted to. At the North Pole training facility, they meet a creepy elf man who has the Power Wheels convertible full of cash in his possession. He’s protecting it by keeping the key in his back pocket and leaving it outside and unlocked at night.
Meanwhile, the mobster Santa is being chased by a mall cop who gets into an altercation with the real police and steals their cop car. This seems weird and out of place and takes a long chunk of time. A lot of the middle of this movie wanders way off the topic of Bratz Babyz and is solely focused on evil Santa and his mafia goons. I can’t imagine kids are super interested in the traumatic childhoods of the Joe Pesci elves, but I guess it’s to build sympathy for them so their later redemption arc feels more satisfying. Trying to give this nightmare some sort of cathartic ending was a huge mistake. It’s about CGI monsters enjoying Christmas. No one wants or needs four villains to take up at least fifty percent of the screen time. Especially not with Gran freezing to death up there on the end of a dangling plot thread.
The villains and the Bratz Babyz all converge on the North Pole training facility, where the real elf that lives there offers to put them through elf training so that they can help Santa deliver toys. The two Joe Pesci elves join in to distract everyone so evil Santa can steal the key to the million-dollar Power Wheels car. Elves are famous for making toys, so elf training involves learning how to wrap presents, bake cookies, and decorate a tree. Speaking of not giving a fuck, during this elf training montage, one of the Joe Pesci elves’ eyes got all weird and milky-eyed for some reason, and nobody felt the need to fix it.
Evil Santa eventually catches the Bratz Babyz alone and convinces them to hand over the Power Wheels car. Then he makes the slowest, funniest getaway in movie history. They play the Power Wheels electric whirring sound as he drives off with his million dollars at the speed of toddler.
Of course, he’s immediately captured by the mall security cop, who, twist, is actually the mafia boss he owes money to! So progressive, girlbosses can be criminals, too. Luckily, the Joe Pesci elves find the Christmas spirit within themselves because the Bratz Babyz did all of that Christmas decorating and baking with them, which healed their childhood trauma. They join the Bratz Babyz for a dramatic Power Wheels car and reindeer chase that ends in the arrest of evil Santa and his girlcrimeboss as the Bratz Babyz look on nearly expressionlessly. It is barely the start of an idea for a story and it takes them an hour and ten minutes to tell it.
Yasmin’s Mom (leader of the parent ball?) calls and leaves a message on Gran’s answering machine to say the snow has cleared up and they will be making it to their kids for Christmas. She’s clearly pretty bummed not to be spending another lovely day snowboarding. The Bratz Babyz return to their beds knowing they saved Christmas and never had to have an individual personality at all.
I think the creators of Bratz Babyz really want their characters to have no canon at all. There was someone from the Bratz corporation holding a gun to the screenwriter’s head, saying, “I swear to God if these babies have a single thought other than saving Christmas, I will end you.” Which is why the mafia gets more screen time and personality than the Babyz. Curious but not interested, I tried to find out more about who the Bratz Babyz are. Instead, I found out they once did a Bratz Babyz toy line where they sold the Babyz inside milk cartons. They all look vaguely afraid, are wearing bikinis, and have milk bottles chained to them. It’s like someone wanted to send Barbie to hell. It’s like an AI tried to generate “human trafficking in the style of Snorks.”
Here are some other names of Bratz Babyz characters: Sorya, Bonita, Bunny Boo, Duane, Spud, Meygan, Roxxi, and Explodo Girl. What is happening with the Bratz Babyz, and why is it so bad? I will attempt to answer this question in 2025. Or, I will forget about it.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Michael Lehr, the weird milky-eyed elf in that one scene.
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Fucking Day – Yaoi XMas Songs
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Fucking Day: Exit To Eden
As we all know, football is the manliest thing a man can do. It’s got everything men love: big beefy dudes, balls, sweating, touching… you know, man stuff. Though we have tried many times, women simply cannot comprehend it. Yet tome after tome has been written to further this ultimately futile cause.
As we all know, women are far too busy with Girlbossing to concern themselves with trivial things like man games. No matter how pink the football is, once it goes into the air, it becomes a projectile question mark to all those cursed with a vagina. In 1986, a production company called MPI assembled a crack team of experts to solve America’s biggest problem– the football widows. They just need to abandon their interests and focus on football instead, you see! How can other hobbies, like volunteering in your community, creating art, or being a pediatric nurse, compare to the epic highs and lows of high school football? Meet our football explaining sheroes. One is shirtless.
The shirtless man is former professional sporty guy Tim Wrightman, who gamed two full seasons in the NFL. He’s the eye candy to keep us gals interested in this boring sports talk. Look at that slab of prime 1980s USDA meat. You’ll recognize the clothed man as comedian Tom Dreesen, who has a golden palm star on the Palm Springs California Walk Of Stars. The final shero of this film is Lois Hall. She’s a woman so I like her, but she can’t sports. Don’t worry, Lois, the men will teach you, and one of them will be sexy at the same time! Tom will also be there.
Booooo, they let Tim put on a shirt. Boo, I hate this movie already. Oh my God, is the rest of this seriously going to be talking about football? Yes. It’s just Tim sitting in front of a board explaining the different football positions to Lois. He tells Lois without an ounce of suggestion that his favorite position is tight end. It turns out that’s because it’s Tim’s position. Tim doesn’t just love tight end, he is tight end. Will this whole article just be me sexually harassing C-list football daddy Tim Wrightman? Stick around to find out.
In case, like me, you’re suddenly realizing that NFL players tend to have a shorter life span than most people because of all the head trauma, I want to let you know that I definitely looked into that before starting this article, and don’t worry, Tim Wrightman is alive and well. He owns a pheasant preserve and event venue now. I swear to God. I could not write a more pleasant ending for Tim. He literally moved to the farm upstate where our parents pretend to send dogs. Also, he once had a role in a film called Swimsuit, The Movie, which I guarantee you wasn’t kind to women and which I now have to watch. Fuck you, Tim, you sexy piece of shit.
Where was I? Oh yeah, hot man teach me football. He begins by reviewing the names of each player’s little job. There’s Mr. Grabby, run away, run away but faster, throw hard, knock down, knock down left side, knock down right side, ouchie, Mr. Kicks, and Greg. He does a terrible job of explaining this.
Tim and Tom explain the positions to Lois in the same tone of voice you would tell a very delicate child that their goldfish died. It’s like they’re worried their lady football victim will escape at any moment. Lois reassures them she’s having a great time, but I don’t believe her. She acts like she’s learned just enough about tight ends to know running is no option.
Once Lois understands all of the football men’s little jobs, they can show her some game footage and explain to her what is going on during the game. Men love doing this, and honestly, this video deprives so many men of the joy of explaining football to women. It’s also depriving women who don’t want to listen to men explain football the opportunity to build a beautiful little mind palace that we can go to whenever the topic comes up. A mind palace that may now be inescapable for some. Some of us watching A Women’s Guide To Football may be suddenly realizing that their defenses against learning about football are too strong, and they actually can’t work past them to hear a single thing said about football, whoops.
You know what this video needs? Tim in some of those tight little football pants. They only wear those yoga pants to try to get women to escape their mind palace and take an interest in football, right? Anyway, Tim looks fabulous in his football costume, and Lois is pulling it off as well. Tom is also there.
In order to really understand football, you have to actually do football, you see. That’s why Tim has to pile drive Lois into the dirt. If she doesn’t experience the pain of football she will never truly grasp football. Sadly, I’m lying. They did this costume change for no reason other than to help keep my attention, which it is not. This VHS is failing its job of educating women about football. They should have added a dance number. Instead, they all sat down for a while and talked about the choreography some more.
At this point, you might be thinking, wow, how could there possibly be more football to learn? I wish I was dead. My brain is exploding with football knowledge; every person who enjoys this sport cannot be lugging around thirty-six minutes of institutional football knowledge with them at all times. Yet, according to A Women’s Guide To Football, they absolutely are. It’s time for another costume change. We’re finally getting to the dance portion. Tom is the ref now, and we’re going to learn about the interpretive dances the refs do to tell the crowd what the football men did football bad. Bees also communicate with each other by dancing. Very creative!
Lois and Tim are great at pretending none of these signals look silly, even hitting below the waist, which, to me, a novice, looks like a man porking an invisible man from behind. Other ref signals include chopping invisible carrots, the hustle, don’t touch my snacks, Greg come over here, honk Mr. truck driver, no way sister, and dramatic pointing.
I’m sad to report that no one kisses at the end of this video. Which is, frankly, wild. I hate it when movies end in any other way than that. Instead Lois, Tim and Tom, who is still here for some reason, all sit down to enjoy football and pizza together. I get that Tom was supposed to be the comic relief, and I did not experience an ounce of relief from him. It was an unrelenting wall of football the whole time.
Clearly, I understand football now, and congratulations after reading this article, so do you! We’re all football experts. When Mr. Grabby does a run up the middle, we’ll be able to shock and impress everyone in attendance at the football show by saying, “Hey! I’m aware of what just happened. I didn’t allow my consciousness to flutter away to a beautiful place near the ocean where football doesn’t exist. I was here, I was present, and I saw Greg do that fantastic floop of the oval projectile. It’s a shame that the ref said no way sister to him.” I could football all day! Unfortunately, I have other obligations to attend to and will never football again, instead.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Gellaho, who understands football now but refuses to acknowledge it.
