Author: Merritt K
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Fucking Day: Pussy Juice Lube
The evolution of online culture has achieved a rapidity we never could have imagined in the 2000s. Back then, we had to subsist on what we called “internet fads” for months or even years. We supped upon a thin gruel of Hampsterdances, All Your Bases, and Hello My Future Girlfriends. Mr. T Ate Our Balls! He ate our balls, damn it.
Even on the recently-compromised then more-recently restored 4chan, memes had a relatively long shelf life. In those days, “meme” was a little-known word that actually referred to a repeated and gradually transmuted image or phrase. Later, it became shorthand for “image macro.” Today, it basically just means any kind of joke you see online.
The average internet user in 2025 sees more “memes” in a single hour of browsing their timeline than a child in 2005 would have seen in an entire year. Inevitably, these trends tend to peak then recede from the public consciousness. Like, remember the Twitter craze of posting a grid of characters or real people with dollar amounts attached and asking your followers to build a team from them with a certain budget?
Well, some people never forgot it. And, it should go without saying, they incorporated it into an incredibly baroque system of masturbation.
I don’t remember how I stumbled across r/celebeconomy. I told Sean and Robert that I wanted to write about it on March 2nd, and they approved the pitch, though Robert noted that while it would make a good article, it would also make him sad. When the time came to actually write this piece and I braced myself to delve into the subreddit to gather material, I was confronted with an unexpected setback.
r/CelebEconomy, like r/RedScareForCisHetMen before it, had been struck down by Reddit, leaving its 81,000 members without a place to call home. I was crestfallen and confused. Do we truly live in a world in which men cannot publicly gamify the fictional purchase of famous women for the purpose of sex? It’s political correctness gone mad! And more importantly, it’s getting in the way of me generating content. But fear not — though the subreddit is gone, its legacy lives on. Specifically, it lives on on weird off-brand porn sites focused on still images that presumably exist to serve lonely Arctic researchers who have to make do with fifteen minutes of internet access a day on a Starlink connection.
I had to see an animated pop-up of Dale and Peggy from King of the Hill fucking for this. The things I do for you. It doesn’t even make sense! Dale is a happily married cuckold! Bill’s the one who’s obsessed with Peggy! Sorry, I’m stalling. But I think it’ll become clear pretty quickly why that is. Let’s try and start with something relatively tame.
Simple. It’s a grid of well-known, attractive, mainly-white women, each assigned a dollar value, with serviceable graphic design. By the time you’ve finished reading this article, this will seem quaint to you. Why would anyone participate in this kind of thing on a public forum? I suppose it’s a slightly more evolved form of the old “who would you rather bang” question with some light gamification. A kind of rules-light RPG that provides a scaffolding for storytelling versus a free-for-all jackoff improv.
I’m a little confused by the “negative $1 discount” for wifing, though. Does the double negative signify an increase in price, which would be expected given the value proposition of sharing your life with one of these women rather than a single night of passion? Or are we meant to take it as a true discount, given that whomever made this almost certainly hates women and for whom the prospect of being married to one, even an accomplished and/or famously beautiful one, rather than pumping and dumping her is a kind of hardship for which he theoretically deserves recompense? I’m stalling again, because things are about to get worse.
Ok, kind of a jump in mechanical complexity here. This time we’re running through a list of famous attractive women and assigning them various “materials.” Would it be churlish of me to point out that “bikini” and “shiny dress” aren’t materials, exactly? I suppose “nude” is, technically, if you consider it to mean “flesh.” But hey, we’re not talking about cutting a woman’s face off to create a terrifying death mask.
Oh. Oh no. This isn’t great, and it’s actually worse than it seems at first glance because we’re not just picking one, as the instructions suggest. We have a budget. We’re shopping for lady faces and we’re going to stitch them together into something new and terrible. We are the villain in a Thomas Harris novel. Can we get a silly one?
Baldur’s Gape. No notes. Of course Shadowheart, the stern goth mommy with a secret heart of gold is valued most highly here, since she was built in a lab to appeal to shut-in gamers. Speaking of gamers, maybe you want something a little more intellectual?
Jesus Christ. This looks like the puzzle on the back of a box of Weinstein-O’s. But we can get more complex.
Here we fucking go. We’re practically into complex European board game territory now. Anyone who seriously engaged with this graphic has gone beyond horny and has discovered something else. And you know what? I think we might have fucked up by making hardcore pornography so freely available. A culture without 24/7 access to the most extreme kinds of filth imaginable doesn’t produce images like this. We’re looking at the work of a mind so inured to an endless stream of genitals in various configurations that it had to invent a means of making it more difficult to jack off. But hey, I just noticed there’s a transgender woman and a model with vitiligo on there. Welcome to the #resistance, horny guy who made this image.
Next up is Tour de Fuck. Tour de Fuck, everybody! It’s a cutely-themed French choose-your-own-fuckventure! I regret to inform you that they’ve actually all been relatively cute up until now compared to what’s coming. Aside from the face one, I mean. Let’s get nasty.
Now we’re talking. The player of this game is invited to imagine himself engaging in specific sex acts with each of his choices. This is a game of strategy and also imagined insemination, much like Warhammer if you’re playing the forces of the Chaos God Slaanesh. Sidebar: the phrase “slow and passionate deepthroat” is an instant tipoff that you’re in the presence of a serial killer. Distract him with sexual grid puzzles and effect a hasty retreat from the situation.
I shouldn’t have mentioned Chaos earlier. Now we must walk its Path, which happens to be lined with an unexpected number of Korean pop stars. Do you think this guy maybe has a certain type? And additionally has psychosexually imprinted on Amy Adams? I had to cut this one off since it went on for like a dozen rows, but spoiler: yes, and yes. Speaking of overlong images…
This one is called “The Last Men Alive,” and it bills itself as not just a game, but a story. Let’s dive in.
Incredible. We’ve got amnesia, we’re making choices, and there are stats involved. This is practically a Bioware game already. I’m going to roll with Miranda Cosgrove, since I think the Sociability skill is low-key underrated in a post-apocalyptic scenario, which this is, I think?
Right, right, the Devastation. Promising breeders. Underground bunkers. “DSL.” Cute. It’s a Sex University where the administration disappears you if your evaluations fall off. So basically regular university, if you’re an adjunct.
Things kind of go on like this for a while. I picked Camila Mendes as my Assistant for another +1 to Sociability and someone named Victoria Justice as my Planner for +1 Duty. My enforcer is Chloe Moretz, just because that’s a really funny image to me. She gives me another +1 Sociability. But things get interesting when we get to “Housekeeper” (sexual).
We’ve got unlocks now? Of course I’m going with Fouz Al Fahad. Let’s scroll down to the list of perks and see what that gets us.
Haha wait, what’s that last one? Haha. Wow, ok, I think I’m good on pursuing this any further! Let’s just move on to the scoring.
My Sociability is 5. My Duty is 1. My Libido is 0. That means we have failed! I guess the UN is going to kill us. The guy screaming incoherently on the corner downtown tried to warn me!
Wait, what? Yes, for the crime of not taking this very seriously, we are now forced to imagine ourselves being sexually dominated by Alison Brie, Jessica Chastain, or another woman who appears on all of these that I haven’t heard of before.
What a journey that was! And it’s not the only one like this, either. Before r/celebeconomy went down, you could have spent all of your time just running through these things. It’s like browsing un-playtested solo tabletop RPGs on itch.io, only with more tits. About the same amount of depression, though. Here’s a bit from another one where you’re a king assembling a royal court.
Hey, Susan Sarandon! That’s nice. Having a woman over fifty in one of these fantasy fuck leagues is the social justice equivalent of America electing a gay President. I think it’s kind of fucked up that if you pick Christina Hendricks you steal her nipples from your children, though.
Of course, it wouldn’t be an article about a weird subset of the porno enthusiast community without an incredibly specific premise. Go on, guess what it could be. Staffing a sexual daycare for adult babies? Castle of female Draculas? TikTok house passing around a pizza boy? It’s none of those, and I’m furious that someone who isn’t me is going to make millions off of Reverse Gangbang TikTok House.
Years ago, I did some phone sex work. It wasn’t for long, but it was enough that very little surprises me anymore, carnally speaking. Most people’s fantasies, even the ones they think of as uniquely despicable or strange, are actually very common. I only ever came across one desire that was actually novel: a guy that wanted someone to pretend to be his mother, who was also his martial arts sensei, and karate chop him to completion. The image I’m about to show you is, I think, actually more out there than that.
I have to say, as large as the AT&T girl’s breasts are, I do not think that paying her $4 million dollars to play professional basketball would be a wise investment. And did you catch the stuff about mouths and ball-handling? It’s pretty subtle, so I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t. Just in case it went over your head, the creator provided a helpful little key at the bottom of the graphic.
Now, there’s an obvious question here that I’ve been eliding up until this point. If you take celebeconomy posts seriously as a sort of game design — and the over 80,000 members of the subreddit certainly did — then how do you determine a celeb’s relative value in a given game?
Does it just come down to personal preference on the part of the creator? A gut feeling? My, my, how naïve. No, like the mainstream video game industry, it’s all about data. Activision and EA are constantly gathering metrics to determine how often to dole out loot boxes for maximum engagement in Call of Duty: Black Ops 6: 2, and likewise the denizens of r/celebeconomy compiled vast quantities of survey information to help would-be designers craft well-tuned fuckmatrices.
And boy, do they get granular.
I had some trouble accessing these sheets — I had to pull the links from an archived version of the subreddit, and I think the Google account they were associated with might have gone down with the ship. Eventually, Google Sheets just started yelling at me in Swedish while refusing to do what I asked, which I think costs $5 from Alicia Vikander and grants a +1 to your Meatballs stat. Get it? Meatballs? It’s like testicles. Because of sex.
When I dove into the archives to find these charts, I also took a look at the subreddit rules and guidelines. They are extensive, containing documentation helpful to anyone trying to start a career in whatever this is.
There’s bidding on some of these? I joked about European board games earlier but we’re essentially dealing with a Reiner Knizia once we’ve added auctions into the mix.
Twine! Old friend, is that you? I published a book on Twine a decade ago. To see it recommended as a tool for crafting Sophie’s Choice-style dilemmas over which Instagram model you’d rather have join your starship crew as Chief Cockwarming Officer raises some complicated feelings. It’s got me in a contemplative mood, thinking about what all of this has meant.
What have we learned today? We’ve learned that fantasy fuckball no longer has a place on woke Reddit. We’ve learned that men will go to extraordinary lengths to create barriers between themselves and jacking off with the goal of getting more out of the experience rather than just cooling it for a while and going to the gym or something. But most of all, we’ve learned that selecting Fan Bingbing — star of the live-action Mulan remake — as the sexual negotiator for your harem not only grants you a +1 to Sociability, but also unlocks the Tax Evasion ability.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Good Satan and His Hot Witches, red pill stockbrokers of the fleshnet who see past charisma stats into pure harem optimization theory.
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Nerding Day: Hook Action Figures
David Wynn Miller was once a humble tool and die welder. At some point in the 1970s, a back-alley surgeon removed his kidneys and adrenal glands. This caused his heart to restart, jacked his IQ up to 200, and made him biologically immortal. A few years later, he went through an experience that embittered him against the American legal system. So, what is an undying supergenius who can’t pee right anymore to do when he’s denied justice? You got it: invent a magical language to thwart the global tyranny of maritime law.
That magical language is called “Quantum Grammar,” and it’s based on math. As David put it, nobody ever fought a war over a mathematical equation. Ergo, find the perfect language, and you solve human conflict. Also you can use it to prosecute legal professionals, maybe? The power of Quantum Language is such that judges run out of the courtroom when David enters. It is a robust magic system that rivals anything you would see in a Brandon Sanderson novel.
Let’s start with David’s name. He styled himself with colons and a dash, pronouncing it “David-hyphen-Wynn-full colon-Miller.” This is the most basic of Quantum Grammar techniques — adding the hyphen and colons transforms David from an “adjective pronoun fiction” to a fact existing in the now-time dimension. This frees him from the Universal Postal Union’s thrall of adverb-verbs. Pretty straightforward stuff.
More broadly, the idea is that if you can understand the Correct Sentence Structure Correct Syntax — sorry, CORRECT – SENTENCE – STRUCTURES – COMMUNICATION – PARSE – SYNTAX – GRAMMAR – PERFORMANCE = (C.-S.-S.-C.-P.-S.-G.-P.), then you attain the power to penetrate legal fiction. Yours will be the drill of truth that pierces the heavens and possibly the skull of a meddling judge.
Because “sentence” is a part of language, but also a thing that happens in court? A court is a foreign vessel in dry dock, by the way. That’s because the world is secretly governed by maritime law.
David didn’t invent this part. Maritime law conspiracy is that old-timey kind of conspiracy theory, back before everything was drawn into the white grievance ur-conspiracy of Q when baby boomers got on social media in the late 2010s. It used to be that American lunatics believed in things — specific, incredible things like Bigfoot being an immortal magician who lives deep beneath the earth’s surface or the American judiciary being secret admiralty courts with no real power. David did add a specific twist to the maritime law theory though, stating that it presides because “Earth is a vessel in a sea of space,” which is a beautiful sentiment to be expressed by a character in an Asimov novel, if not a solid foundation for legal practice.
David espoused his theories on his website, in a book, and in seminars he ran for decades which sometimes went up to nine hours long. Let’s dive into one of them.
Did you know that when the government writes instructions, they don’t use adjectives? Did you know that one third of the words in all of the world’s holy books are missing? Did you know that we didn’t elect a president in 1999? That’s because the Treaty of Versailles says that no law takes effect for 90 days until after it’s signed. Did you know that international bankruptcy has been around for 6,500 years?
Shit. This is a lot to take in. We’re talking about international banking and ancient religion. Can we bring it down to earth a little? Something a little more concrete?
Ok, a pen. I know what a pen is. David says that by itself, “pen” is a pronoun. In “the pen,” “the” is an adverb. It modifies the verb “pen.” Modification is change, change is motion, motion is action, action is a verb.
Fuck. I might be too stupid for this. In fairness to me, though, I only have a Master’s degree. David says that his course is written on a “29 reading level,” whereas a PhD is only 20. After explaining Syntax to a group of English PhD students, they told him “we have PhDs in stupidity.” Going to school dumbs you down, makes you into a good little sheep. My mind has been captured by the adverb-verb Matrix. I took the blue pill of an advanced degree and I’ve been ensorcelled by maritime law ever since.
But not David. He can prove that anyone is lying — it doesn’t matter how high up in the Illuminati they are. I don’t know if you remember the plot of The Matrix Revolutions, but David does. See, Agent Smith had an infinity number of Smiths. And Neo said 3+3=6. So the Smiths were defeated because they tried to prove that 3+3 equaled every number except six. And then man and machine learned to live in peace, because, again, nobody ever went to war over a math equation.
David really seems to like the Matrix movies. And not so much the original, but the second and third. He references the scene in the second one when Neo is “in the room with a hundred TVs” and says “it’s all about choice.” Because you make a choice to be good or evil, and if you know Syntax, you have a better basis of information to make choices to be good.
Unfortunately, judges and lawyers choose to be evil. There’s a secret truth in the legal system. All judges and lawyers subscribe to this truth: that no law or fact shall be tried in court.
You want proof? I’ve got your proof right here.
That’s the ceiling of a courthouse. Note the way that the word “justice” is split apart into the letters “ju,” “s,” “ti,” and “ce.” You know what that means, right? It means “judges title speaks no law.” They love to hide the truth in plain sight! They’re laughing at us! All judges do is issue “orders,” and as everybody knows, a word beginning with a vowel and two consonants means “no contract.” Plus, judges exist on another plane in the courtroom. The fact that a judge is enclosed in a box makes him an independent jurisdiction.
So how do you fight back? Here’s one way: write a contract that says “there are no planes in this court, we are on a level playing field.” Also, you can write in your contract that you want hot coffee at your table in court and they legally have to bring it to you even if food and drink isn’t allowed in the room. That’s because all judges are bankers, and if you want to know more about how to prosecute them, please see the information on David’s business card.
What’s that postmaster thing about? Well, here’s an interesting fact. If you place a postage stamp on any document and sign across it, that makes you the postmaster! And, of course, since a court is a foreign vessel in dry dock, when the clerk stamps your document you can sign across that and now you’re the postmaster of their boat! It’s as simple as that.
David sent Janet Reno a letter accusing her of treason and she sent him a two page letter back with steel rivets through it. Two, of course, being a highly significant number. As everyone knows, a dollar sign with one bar through it signifies a Federal Reserve note. But with two bars, it stands for a gold certificate. And only one stamp has ever been published with two bars through the dollar sign, the Red Fox in November 1999.
David went out and bought up all of the stamps and started putting them on documents to sue government officials. The judges, of course, ordered the stamps cancelled and seized. Don’t try to look this up. You know it’s true. People who don’t know will be harvested. People who do know will do the harvesting. After all, the word “human” means “monster.” It means to feed upon your own kind.
At this point, you might be thinking, alright, David Wynn Miller is a lunatic. Who cares, right? America has been 70% cranks by volume since it was founded. And that’s what I thought too, at first. David’s recounting of the Matrix sequels and explanations of how to legally hijack a courtroom with postage tricks seemed like relatively harmless madness compared to our modern Alex Joneses and Libses of TikTok, the ramblings of an immortal superman to an empty room with a camera set up on a tripod. But then something happened. The camera panned.
He has an audience. There are people in the room listening to all of this and taking notes, and they paid to be there! David Wynn Miller had followers. He influenced people to the point that “Millerese” is now a known phenomenon in court filings.
So why do people get into this stuff? Maybe it’s because they’re worried about David’s nightmare scenario– aliens show up on earth and we try to lie to them because we haven’t learned Syntax, so they throw an asteroid at us. Maybe they want to usher in the glorious future he lays out in which you turn on the TV and all 200 channels are talking about how we have one language now and there’s no more wars, where Syntax-speaking Mentats from Dune replace computers and we develop a New World Order but nice because everyone has their freedoms still.
No, it’s not that. It’s about getting out of paying taxes.
Sorry, that’s not entirely fair. It’s also about winning custody cases for deadbeat dads and not having to pay child support. The incident that radicalized David against the courts was, in fact, his divorce, an occasion which he describes as being “raped” by a judge. He believed that if only he could crack the math equation of language, he could get his kids back. And when he discovered the magical formula of Syntax, he also realized that it could be used to eliminate all income taxes.
How? Well, it’s simple, really. Putting the appropriate wizard signs in your name, e.g. “:David-Wynn: Miller” creates a ward which makes you invisible to the government. While they’re trying to tax the corporation that was created when your birth certificate was signed, you’re flying under the radar thanks to Syntax. People have actually tried this. Several of them have gone to jail!
David Wynn Miller ruined people’s lives with his insanity. And I can kind of see how it happened, too. Even when he’s spouting completely incomprehensible garbage, he retains an even tone and a professional demeanor. A guy like that telling you that he’s got a trick that will help you even the odds with the government? That’s a pretty appealing thing to a desperate Fox News viewer.
In a video where he’s at least a decade older, David goes on a tangent from Syntax to explain that there’s a cure for all illnesses — the “zapper,” which controls DNA’s crystalline structure with radio frequencies. For instance, arthritis is caused by flatworm, and you can simply kill it if you have the right radio built for you.
Later, David’s explaining that you shouldn’t invest your money or keep it in banks. An audience member asks if cash is really the smartest way to save given that inflation inevitably reduces its value. He calmly pivots to talking about solar flares and the likelihood of one wiping out all of human civilization. By this time, then, he was helping people to wreck their lives not only legally, but also medically and financially.
But David must not have been able to find the right frequency for himself, because he had a heart attack in 2017 and died the next year. And his followers didn’t lose any time mourning — one of them immediately published a video where he “court martialled” him, stripped his authority as a judge, and took the mantle of postmaster-general of the world for himself. An ignoble end for the pre-eminent judicial wizard of our times.
Sorry, I mean FOR THE FORMS OF OUR PUNCTUATIONS ARE WITH THE CLAIM OF THE USE: FULL – COLON = POSITION – LODIO – FACTS, HYPHEN = COMPOUND – FACTS = KNOWN, PERIOD = END – THOUGHT, COMMA – PAUSE, AND LOCATION – TILDES WITH THE MEANINGS AND USES OF THE COMMUNICATIONS WITH THE FULL – COLON OF THE POSITION – LODIAL – FACT – PHRASE WITH THE FACT / KNOWN -TERM OF THE POSITIONAL – LODIO – FACT – PHRASE AND WITH THE VOID OF DAVID WYNN MILLER = DEAD – MANIAC
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Russell Bauman who pays in gold certificates, thinks in Syntax, but still pays taxes just in case.