Alex Schmidt, who is professionally a Schmitdy, is the smartest and kindest part of this site about finding and being cruel to extremely stupid things. We told him the thesis of 1900HOTDOG and he said “oh no, not that! But what about…. This?”
And then he presented us with a three-ring binder cross-indexing historical failures with headshots of Pierce Brosnan.
He was hired on the spot.
Best of 2022 Schmidty Day #1: The Great Grapefruit CONK
Schmidty loves baseball, history, aerial pranks, and melons. This article about an old-timey baseball team using a grapefruit to trick their manager into believing that his head exploded has it all!
Now if Schmidty were writing this, he’d tell you a grapefruit is a citrus, not a melon, because it grows on trees instead of vines. But he’s not. He’s not writing this, you’re stuck with us, and now you’ll never know that.
Best of 2022 Schmidty Day #2: Pedestrianism
Pedestrianism was the sport of walking, and… oh, that’s it? We just assumed there was a second thing, but no. Walking was enough back in the day, and walking lit the world on fire. Come learn about the high stakes sport of moving a foot after a foot, and the drunken kings who ruled it.
Best of 2022 Schmidty Day #3: The King’s Daughter
True story: Every time Schmidty pitches us an article about a Pierce Brosnan movie, we say “are you sure? Because that sounds boring.” Every time! And every time he laughs and says “trust me,” then comes back with something about defrauding China and banging mermaids.
Best of 2022 Schmidty Day #4: Live Wire
Schmidty loves Pierce Brosnan for reasons we don’t understand. Oh, it’s not his smoldering gaze or buttery accent. We understand those. Schmidty loves Pierce Brosnan because of how hard he wanted to be Bond, and all the terrible, embarrassing things he did to prove he could handle it. We’ll never understand loving Pierce Brosnan for that, because Roger Moore will always be the most hilariously tragic bond in our hearts.
Best of 2022 Schmidty Day #5: Death Train
“Choo choo!” Pierce Brosnan does not say in this movie, “all aboard the Death Train! Next stop… death!”
At no point does he quip “I’m not the conductor; I just punch the tickets,” before putting a bullet in a terrorist’s brain.
He never pumps his arms while going “chugga chugga chugga chugga” and then uses the momentum to punch a mercenary in the neck.
The whole film seems like a waste to us, but not Schmidty – he’s captivated by the way Pierce Brosnan seems to be working through his grief over the death of his wife by doing shitty B-Movies.
“You’re about to get railed,” he never says to his love interest!