You are directly in the middle of Puppet Week and it rules! You have been trained to expect punishment and terror, and you’ve received only orgasmic Tim Curry faces and orgasmic puppet jumpkicks. That all stops today. We’re joined by our very own Hot Doggists, horror author Lydia Bugg and everything else author Dennard Dayle, to talk about the worst puppet act in history: Ron & Marty. Take note: It’s not the most offensive puppet act in history, it’s not the weirdest or most confusing, it is simply the worst. Objectively the worst, in a way we will spend a full hour proving. Ron & Marty set out to inform and bring joy to Christian children of the 1980s, historically the most uninformed and joyless of all children, and failed on every front. Legend says that to this very day, if you put your ear up to a yawning Christian child, you can still hear Ron & Marty bombing. Let’s learn about-
FREEDOM
Christ’s love doesn’t cost anything, that’s what’s so great about it! Kind of like the suffering of America’s veterans, but opposite. Happy fourth of July!
JUNK FOOD
The great thing about Christ is that he’s filling, he’s not the 7-11 nachos of spiritual food. Don’t eat too much soul candy in the morning, because then you won’t have room for Christ in the afternoon. That’s it, thank you for listening to this metaphor!
PROFANITY
SHUCKS! Aw, sorry for the profanity, let us pray. If you swear, or hear somebody swearing, the solution is easy: Just drop to your knees and pray. Immediately. Every single swear said by yourself or somebody else, even if you just think it: Pray. Yes, even in the middle of the street!
PORNOGRAPHY
This is 1980s rural Christian America, so you children are, of course, addicted to the hardcore pornography you have easy access to. But here’s a song that might help you:
♫ Full penetration, full penetration ♫
♫ I love to physically run away from images depicting full penetration! ♫
So what it doesn’t rhyme. The Bible doesn’t rhyme.
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This podcast was brought to you by a hot Hot Dog Tip from Michael Rader. Please assign blame accordingly.