I’ve read a lot of books by wrong, deluded fools, but it’s very special to find a book like 2012’s HOW TO DATE A JAMAICAN MAN. This author has no idea what she’s doing, and you’re going to love it. It’s got the racially charged penis descriptions you’d expect, the vagina hygiene tips you wouldn’t, and it will absolutely make you worse at having sex with Jamaican men.
The author’s name is Empress Yuajah, and I’m not sure if the “Empress” is a symptom of rad parents or unchecked narcissism. She claims to be a black Jamaican woman, but she exoticizes their culture the same way you might if you were writing something called Police Academy 7: Voodoo Cops. Despite her desperate self-publishing career, I can’t find a picture of her, and one of her books is a guide for white people to become Rastafarian. I’m obviously not here to police anyone’s blackness, but Empress Yuajah writes like she’s hiding a very problematic secret. For instance, she opens her book as if she’s an explorer who discovered a lost continent of sex wizards:
It was such a great summary she decided to use it for the back cover as well. A person less ignorant than Empress would know the danger in mistaking stereotypes for wisdom, especially horny wisdom, the least useful kind. If you believe her, you are now a worse person and craving a specific kind of dick. Also, you shouldn’t need any more advice. Just point your holes at these undefeated fuck champs and skip the entire book. Speaking of books, Empress opens this one with some ads for her others:
The great thing about self-publishing is how there are no rules. If you want to float a blurry picture of your other book under a hyperlink, fine. Make one page the words “More Love,” and nothing else. Fuck it. Hell, put in an ad for the book your reader is already reading:
Would you like to read How to Date a Jamaican Man with a longer title and allllllllllllmost a bit of shaft? Speaking of a bit of shaft, I’ll stop teasing you and get to the book. It’s dedicated to Steve.
As you’re going to figure out, Steve is the guy Empress fucked on her trip to Jamaica. He has no game, a big dick, and the terrible sex he had with Empress Yuajah inspired this book. He split her in half like a drunk tractor accident. And as someone who fucks, I’d like to say using little quotes around “perfect gentleman” is a real virgin move. You’re bragging about sport porking a guy named Steve, Empress. We don’t need to suffer through your cute inside jokes.
Okay, let’s get started. Empress writes the same way she fucks, so this will be confusing, unconfident, and racist. She begins with some real insider tips on staying attractive:
If you open your list of beauty tips with “take vitamins,” you’re not writing for someone who exists. By any standards this is beyond dogshit. Paint your fingernails as needed? Try not to be fat!? No trust me, I once asked a guy about the fat thing!?!? It’s got to be a terrifying thing to realize you’re out of wisdom once you’re done remembering lipstick, so in many ways Empress is a hero.
Take note of this structure, as it will reappear later. Empress will state a common sense thing impossible to not know, explain it by saying it the same way again, then offer extremely anecdotal evidence for it. I’m not saying she knows nothing about Jamaican fucking. It’s simply worth noting there is no way to know less than her about Jamaican fucking. Let me put it like this: if she had walked into a different hotel bar during her one trip to Jamaica, she would be writing a book called Why Everyone in Jamaica is a Juggler. It would also be dedicated to Steve, but he would be described as a perfect gentleman without quotes.
Hey, everyone! The lipstick rememberer who fucked Steve wants to let you in on the spoken and unspoken rules of promiscuity we’ve all navigated since 6th grade! Some men you sleep with will not marry you, and Empress has the one tramp friend to prove it. Which means it’s time to ask: what is going on here? What kind of sadist opens their book with descriptions of tantalizing Jamaican cocks, lures them all in with those sure-fire beauty tips, and then tells you not to jump on them? Who are we trying to impress? The bartender watching us jerk Steve off? This better not be one of those self-published books where the author has no external sense of self and accidentally reveals all their own issues.
Oh no. Oh my god, Empress. This wasn’t the bit I was setting up! I was thinking you’d waffle more between being a woman who writes books about hunting monster dick and being a woman who thinks casual sex is “trashy.” This is way, way too much. And too dark. Honestly, it might not belong in the same chapter as the lipstick advice. Which, again, was to sometimes wear at least some. So to recap Chapter 2, wash the soup off your clothes, stay away from being overweight, apply fingernail polish as needed, and find a way to blame yourself for the toxic behavior of men. She wrote this book for you, Steve. You must be a “real piece of shit.”
In Chapter 3: Jamaican People and Culture, Empress adds a fun new element– indecision. She still says obvious things and supports them by telling you some cab driver said it, but now she’ll also say the opposite. From this point on, you will learn less than nothing about Jamaican men. You will learn they can be one way or a second way, depending on what Steve told her between ball drainings. Anyway, when Empress Yuajah went to Jamaica everyone was fine with her being Rastafari. I find this interesting because it’s a detail a white person might make note of, but no second type of person.
As Empress explains, there are a lot of important things Rastafari has influenced including . Seriously, though; if there are three things the author is good at, it’s Rastafari outreach, bulleted lists. I love this so much. This is an unproductive cough from a dying mind. If it was 2:59 pm and you asked an Arkansas classroom “What has Rastafari influenced?” this is exactly what the chalkboard would look like when the bell rang. I can’t stress enough how useless this book is to any person engaged in any kind of endeavor. If your fish said these words to Aquaman he would tell you your stupid fucking fish isn’t making any sense. How to Date a Jamaican Man is supernatural in its pointlessness. Steve probably watched his hands and dick fade from existence the moment Empress dedicated it to him. Anyway, let’s move on to the dos and don’ts of saying hi. Sorry, I can’t wait to tell you and I’m going to spoil it: it’s do!
So being rude is rude in Jamaican culture, and if you don’t say hi, fuck. I mean, Jesus fuck, Empress can’t even get into it. Needless to say, this one-time Jamaica visiting guru has tried both “hi” and “not hi” and she suggests the first one. It sounds like you might die, but I can’t be sure. She used the words “out of this world,” which means “fantastic” so it’s possible she doesn’t know shit in any culture.
Look, I know Empress’ techniques seem hard. First fingernail polish and now saying hi? But it’s time to learn why we’re doing all this:
This is one of her best lists. Of the bullet points for why Jamaican men are popular, six out of eight of them are how she wants to physically fuck them. This is unprecedented levels of horny. Sex doll owners have a deeper relationship with their partners than this woman had with Steve. But whatever Steve did, good for him. He broke loose something wet and primal up inside her.
So now you know why we’re doing this. But before we go get some, Empress wants to review some of the more complicated aspects of being a human.
I honestly thought this was a guide for banging a local while staying at a Sandals®, but literally one third of Empress’ hygiene tips is to change your bedsheets weekly. Won’t the maid do that? Did Steve have her doing his fucking chores? And look at all that space she had left on the page. That’s weird, right? I’ve made my suspicions clear already, but here’s who stops listing basic hygiene tips before they get to lotion and hair: a white girl with dreadlocks and no second type of woman.
With this tooth brushing tip, Empress is confident she’s given you all you need to lock down your Jamaican man, so let’s go over the rules you need to follow.
“Don’t Show Weakness of Any kind” is strange advice to get from a person this observably helpless. There’s a non-zero chance this Jamaican goddess boarded the wrong gate and her whole book is based on a weekend in Honolulu. Steve was probably some guy from Detroit who faked an accent to sell Empress a timeshare.
Constantly wiping your vagina with moist towelettes is the SECOND RULE OF DATING A JAMAICAN MAN. I mean, I knew it would be in there, but number two!? What did Steve say about her crotch?
Here we are at the third rule and all we’ve learned is to be brave and maintain inviting holes. All kidding aside, though; I think it would work?
Well, I wish you told me this before I let my Jamaican King give me a harsh talking to about my sour poom poom. Empress, why did you make this a top ten list if the only two things on it were self-respect and hygiene? Could you at least try to surprise us?
Jesus Christ! I genuinely cannot wrap my head around the goals of this book or who it is written for. On which date did she bear Steve a child? Is it trashy to start a family before you’ve gotten to mouth stuff? My head is spinning… this goddamn maniac was just telling us to brush our teeth two rules ago. This is someone who learned a stereotype and wanted to turn it into wisdom so badly their brain broke. “You want my advice for navigating Jamaican culture? Um, watch out for pregnant!” You don’t need me to mansplain racism, but this is like saying, “Buy extra waste baskets. Some black men are Shaquille O’Neal, so they are going to miss a lot of free throws.”
The rest of these are all variations of “speak and behave like a normal human,” so let’s skip to the end.
Oh no, what did you give her, Steve? Hey, I don’t want to brag, but earlier when Empress told me not to get pregnant I already considered using Safe Sex to do it. In fact, aside from thinking vaginas cleaned themselves automatically, I already knew all this stuff. Let’s try to find something new.
Aiiieeeee!!! You’re supposed to hang your panties so everyone in the home can inspect them!? AIIIEEEEEE!!!!! STEVE, WHAT DID YOU TELL THIS WOMAN!?
Okay, this is fascinating. Did you know some Jamaican men have sex with some white women? No no, wait, don’t get Empress wrong– this can, in rare cases, be fine.
Ah, that makes sense. Jamaican men sometimes have sex with black women as well. You know, if this suspiciously anonymous author hadn’t said she was a black Jamaican woman I would have thought an ignorant white dingbat wrote this.
I bet you want to learn more about the complicated dynamics of interracial relationships as understood by a woman with such highly inspected wet underpants. So I’m going to jump to Chapter Not Numbered: Jamaican Men Who Love White Women.
Empress has broken her racism down into three categories: worship, lust, and money/gift which can sometimes be gift/money. She thinks this is helpful! She thinks you can check this list of unused 1995 Chris Rock joke premises to find out if your husband is cheating on you with a white woman for the sex or the idolatry! I’m truly stunned. I couldn’t dare tarnish such championship stupidity with a joke.
Holy fucking shit. Look, we know Empress is a bad communicator prone to errors in syntax and language. But did she share a story about a man who literally called her “nothing special?” And her response to that was saying, “Special!? Hey, I’ll take it!”!?!?!? No. No. Do you know what this means? It means that when Empress Yuajah Googles her name and sees I called her Steve’s Most Embarrassing Sexual Conquest, February 2012, she’s going to say, “Oh boy, I’m a sexual conquest! And, of course, a black!”
“I am told that white women from abroad are worshipped by the black men in Jamaica. I could see how it could be true,” types the 37-year-old white woman trying to make sense of how she finally lost her virginity. Wait, everyone shut up. The next chapter is called The Jamaican Male Mind on Sex.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha Empress forced herself to imagine what a Jamaican man thinks about sex and the first thing she writes is “I don’t know, p-penis?” Are they right? Well, the author checked with someone who has experienced nearly two Steves, and yes, absolutely penis. Can you imagine needing a second book on human relationships other than How to Date a Jamaican Man?
I love these windows into Steve’s game. “You’re going to have to touch it, ‘Empress.’ We Jamaican men do not believe in Masturbation or self-Masturbation. There are few exceptions. Also, it’s bad luck, I mean juju, for a man to buy his own drinks. And yes, for a penis, which is what you call this fleshy tube, this is HUGE.”
This was a weird place in the book for the author to bring this up, but at least in Empress’ experience, the love between a black Jamaican man and an also totally black and Jamaican woman is expressed by telling the other one they stink.
“Wait, slow down. My… vagina… is filthy… and… disgus…ting. Great! Thanks, Steve. You’ve been a huge help with my book.”
Here’s a warning, girls, from a real experienced love maker: “Sex hurts because the noble savage often misinterprets our screams for pleasure when we are, in fact, being torn apart.”
This is such raw to-the-bone ignorance. “Ignore her… just concentrate and finish,” Steve thought, having no idea he was pounding off into such an insightful anthropologist.
You feed a Jamaican man Jamaican food? This sounds like a sarcastic answer to a sarcastic question. It’s like someone found a Jamaican baby and asked a stupid dick, “What do you feed it!?” Empress, you fucking tooth-brained cow, what the shit is wrong with you?
Hahaha this student of the world took some time out at the hotel pool to look at the men and decided their sexiness must come from their people’s robust soups and bold spices! She still has a couple tests to run, but ran into some problems when she found out men aren’t allowed to take off their shirts at Red Lobster.
For readers seeking dates with Jamaican men, it’s good to remind them every few pages their vaginas are unclean. Menstruators, your foul crotch stench lingers in stew and the hearts of good men.
I’m kind of losing my mind. Let’s talk about something more serious– the lying Jamaican cheat.
Empress, master of lists, has narrowed down the Jamaican man’s need to cheat on his wife to nine reasons. To be fair to Steve, there are really only six since she repeats “he likes women,” “change of routine,” and “because he can.” And like all good advice-givers, Empress wants you to know the man lying to you and disrespecting you loves you. In fact, you might not want to bring his cheating up. Seriously, there’s a section on that:
Empress asks three times on one page, “Is it really cheating if he has money?” And speaking like a person who has had actual adult feelings, she suggests, “Hey, if no one has any STDs, who cares?” At the risk of going too far, anyone with eyes can see this woman has never known love and will die alone. Which means all of this is theoretical, and even in her wildest fantasies her ideal relationship is quietly enduring the infidelity of some lifeguard who got her pregnant. What’s next, a whimpering guide to taking a cheater back after you can’t find someone else?
No! No!! I was kidding!!!
Oh no, I’ve seen this before. We’re in a sadness vortex! We’ve got to– oh, hey. This next chapter will work:
Even after all this you may not believe me, but this chapter is only three anecdotes about polite men she met in Jamaica. The first one is about a tour guide who took her to his home. Can you imagine not knowing how things work so hard you would let a bus driver take you to his house? And then writing a book on how things work!? Can you imagine being such a sexless drip you could SEE A BUS DRIVER’S DOGS AND IT WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE TRIP THAT INSPIRED YOUR BOOK ABOUT FUCKING!?
Okay, I want you to imagine one more thing. You’re a woman actually interested in dating a Jamaican man. You don’t know how to brush your teeth or apply lipstick. Your vulva is a wreck. You sometimes wonder, racistly, which kind of ethnic food Jamaicans eat. You have been soaking up all of this helpful information, getting ready to just howl in pain under an unfaithful Steve of your own. And then you get to this pointless story about the time some absentminded dumbshit borrowed a cell phone. I can’t picture a more perfect audience for this book, and yet I still think you’re wondering what the hell is going on.
We’re almost done with this cosmically insane spectacle, and if you’ve been following Empress Yuajah’s instructions, you’re now getting married.
Empress wants you to know that like every other thing that has ever been, she has no expertise in immigration law. This is only a rough guideline she got from a friend, as if the fucking rest of the book wasn’t. As if she hadn’t made that clear on every page of this thing. Anyway, you can try marrying him in Jamaica? Give it a shot, she doesn’t know.
She’s also been told you can do something with a lawyer maybe? Again she was only told this, but it should take about the same amount of time as marrying him without an immigration(,) lawyer. It’s clear you’ve made a great decision if you’re planning your wedding with How to Date a Jamaican Man. Empress has covered everything, but there’s still a little bit more you need to know…
I guess this last part is mostly an apology. She’s sorry for not looking any of this up before she made it an entire chapter of her book. Speaking of looking things up, it’s 2012. Maybe pick up a copy of the Yellow Pages or a Caribbean newspaper?
If Empress ended her book here I would be happy. This series of wrong guesses is a perfect wrap up. Future civilizations may discover someone dumber than Empress Yuajah, but no one will ever say less. And yet this is not how she ended her book. It is my great honor to show you Chapter Also Not Numbered: Sex with a JM FOR the First Time:
Look at it. Take it in. During her research, the author of How to Date a Jamaican Man discovered you can do sex with the girl “on top” and those are her emphasis quotes. She’s telling you like you need to get ready for it. You can’t fuck less than this. Steve had to teach this woman how to unhook her own bra.
Ha ha ha ha Steve can’t fuck either. The world’s squarest virgin laid there judging her first lay as he jackhammered her into the Jean-Claude Van Damme splits. “He looked so happy doing it,” is brutal. By Jamaican law, Steve has to cut his dick off.
Ha ha ha ha ha this woman believed everything Steve told her. She got picked up by Jamaica’s least attentive lover and now she’ll be wrong about sex until she dies. “I’m sorry about the smell,” she’ll whisper to the many cats on her lap. “Da poom poom renk like me piss up myself, yuh know,” she’ll add after looking the phrase up in a Caribbean newspaper.
This is wonderful. We know what Steve’s dick looks like and that he blames premature ejaculation on the extra sensitivity afforded him by his foreskin. And, again, we learn it is quite painful when he puts it in you. He is hung, uninterested in foreplay, and not really paying attention to the signals you’re giving off.
I am having the best time watching this woman try to extrapolate an entire culture’s mating rituals from her flailing first attempt at casual sex. Let’s see how she sums up everything she learned:
Hahahahahahaha holy fucking shit. As if it would be anything else. Perfection.
