Warren G. Harding was a bad President and worse person. For example: Harding carried on a fifteen year love affair, with his friendās wife, who was palling around with enemy spiesā¦and that is not the most famous Warren G. Harding affair.
Iām here to talk about that lesser-known affair. But first, hereās the gist of the bigger affair. Married man Warren Gamaliel Harding gets elected President in 1920. Around the year 1915, married U.S. Senator Harding (age 50) starts shtupping Nan Britton (age 19). That continues in the White House ā and I mean IN THE WHITE HOUSE ā until Hardingās death from a heart attack in 1923. A few years later, Britton tells the public about her daughter, born 1919, fathered by Harding. Wow: history! That is some relevant, Clintonian, Trumpian history! You would think more history classes would teach that story. Itās a much more exciting story than āTeapot Domeā.
āTeapot Domeā is the main Warren G. Harding test question answer. Why? Because it was a huge scandalā¦but also because your middle school history teacher couldnāt bring up Nan Britton without recapping sex ed and getting signed permission slips. So if you know anything about President Harding, itās probably āTeapot Domeā. Or as I call it, āThe Most Family-Friendly Story About Warren G. Harding Getting Dome.ā
On to the lesser-known affair. Iāve explored a unique Library Of Congress archive transcribed by the New York Times Magazine regarding President Harding. Because before (and during!) his Britton affair, married guy Warren G. Harding romanced Carrie Fulton Phillips. They hooked up from 1905 to 1920, plus Warrenās sweaty attempt at a follow-up in 1922. As Iām sure youāre aware, those years fall within the era historians call āOld-Timey Times.ā Because they romanced in Old-Timey Times, Harding and Phillips romanced each other through letters. Letters now preserved at the Library of Congress. Stored, catalogued, and treated like artifacts, even though youād think the LOC would have better things to store than secret scribbles where Warren G. Harding nicknames his penis āJerryā.
Surprise: Warren G. Harding nicknamed his penis āJerryā. Occasionally, āMount Jerry.” We know that, now, thanks to Hardingās embarrassing sex letters. Here are a few excerpts:
How did our history teachers AND geography teachers skip this liāl chestnut? Also, great news, the Warren G. Harding Sexy Geography doesnāt end there.
Congratulations to Lake Superior on becoming the heart of a Warren G. Harding code-phrase aboutā¦genitals? I think? And this leads us to a big disagreement between me and the historical establishment. Surprise: I am here to fight with history experts! Again! Because the historical consensus here has a crucial flaw. This is the New York Times Magazineās take on Hardingās nickname maneuvers:
Interesting! Also, wrong. I contend we do Warren G. Harding a huge favor if we act like heās doing secretive code. Read the letters. Thereās no secret. Every passage about āJerryā is openly about Hardingās penis, and every letter is highly sexual. Itās obvious on the page. For example, hereās something Harding writes in the same letter as the Lake Superior bit:
He also writes:
If you spot any āsecretsā in there, youāre a secrets wizard. You have a third eye for clever hidden sex verbiage and Iām astounded by you. All I perceive is a guy straight-up confessing how bad he wants this letterās recipient to do wet, loud Goblin Mode stuff to his gamaliel. And yet, this letter is a supposed prime example of Jerry Code! Because way down that same letter, Warren says this:
Folks: āJerryā is not code. What āJerryā is, is some kind of nickname-play. Harding is hiding nothing. Heās simply *into this*. He does not care if you catch him. Heā¦wants you to catch him? Unclear. Either way, thereās no chaste explanation for any of the Harding letters Iāve read. Lemme give you one more example. Hereās a fuller version of one I quoted early on:
That is Warren G. Harding remembering a sexual encounter from last year, and masturbating to the memory, and then writing that down in a letter. There are no other ways to read this letter! None! If you do try to generate a PG reading, you end up with the following story: Warren G. Harding thought about sex, went home, laid down, thought about sex some more, achieved a clear mental fantasy of his former loverās perfect bodyā¦and then a second guy named Jerry entered the room to discuss that. In detail. With enthusiasm. Thatās the *most plausible* chaste reading of this story. To make this story (a little) less gross you have to claim āJerryā is a real-life Mister Poopy Butthole whoās on round-the-clock retainer to whoosh into any room and chat sex memories with (as of 1913) an obscure former Lieutenant Governor of Ohio. Thatās what youād read, there, if Warren G. Harding is some kind of cryptography genius. But you do not read that. The undecipherable Enigma Machine he aināt.
Why are modern experts dressing up Hardingās letters as clever subterfuge? Is it because we hold a general respect for U.S. Presidents? Is it because professional historians are dorky prudes? I donāt know for sure. All I can do is show you these letters. Letters that are useless as code, and useful as indicators that Warren G. Harding liked to name and personify his penis. He really, really, liked to do that. Which means romance with Warren G. Harding was more awful than we ever couldāve guessed. It mustāve been an endless blather of eager narration, featuring penis personification and weiner world-building, unspooled mid-act by Warren āGigglesā Harding. A barrage of sex talk from a guy who followed up his letterās Mount Jerry passage with an unironic use of the exclamation āGee!ā. For real! Thatās the next word he wrote, after almost calling his penis āMister Everestā. And Iām medium-confident Warrenās imagination went beyond his own hog. Because the New York Times Magazine claims Hardingās ācodeā included nicknames for Carrie Fulton Phillips. Once again, hereās their claim:
To my surprise, the Library of Congress has a whole ānother take on āPoutersonā:
Super different! Yet similar. Because both institutions frame āPoutersonā like itās another deft code word, fueling a private love affair. But I call hooey on that. Thatās bullshit. Because here is that nickname in action:
Folks: you see whatās happening here. Right? Do you detect a pattern? Do you remember all those times Warren G. Harding called his penis āJerryā for his own gratification? I feel like you, Dear Reader, my Dear Grown Adult Reader, can make the same leap I did concerning āMrs. Pouterson.ā She sounds an awful lot like āsheā is a āfemale body part.ā Perhaps a part that can, oh I donāt know, lubricate independently of a person’s feelings. Also, consider the vibe of the word āpoutā. You get it. I donāt need to go on here. Because I can control myself. Unlike the nickname-fueled coitus-rememberer who was our 29th President.
Alsoā¦maybe never mind about all this? Maybe this is none of our business. These were two consenting adults. Maybe theyāre allowed to figure out their (extramarital) sex lives however they saw fit. However: no! I take all of that back! Because on top of all the humongous embarrassments youāve just read, Warren G. Hardingās sex letters prove his affair with Phillips was a U.S. national security crisis of World War One. Surprise: something besides sex enters the picture now. In March 1915, Warren āGettinā It Inā Harding becomes a U.S. Senator. Harding continues to romance Carrie Fulton Phillips. I wonder what else the Library of Congress has to say about herā¦
Hey, New York Times Magazine, any related thoughts here?
They go on to say weāre pretty sure she was not personally a spy. But hey, wow! Warren G. Hardingās lover also loved the opposing side in World War One. And she was good friends with Kaiser Wilhelmās spies. Also, wow, does that explain the āJerryā thing? Did Warren use the name āJerryā to subliminally increase the appeal of his penis? By giving it the main British nickname for German soldiers? And then if I use this insight to self-publish a crummy book of Warren G. Harding Subliminal Penis Appeal Tips/Tricks/Treats, could we turn that book into the topic of a 1-900-HOT-DOG column? Maybe! Iād love to dunk on myself in a Mr. Snrub mustache.
Anyway: Carrie Fulton Phillips supported the pre-Nazis. She probably didnāt pass secrets to the Kaiserās agents. Weāre mostly pretty sure she did not commit mid-war treason. And thatās all fine, I guess? Sheās entitled to have opinions, and have friends. Itās not like sheā
Well, okay, as long as it doesnāt impact Hardingās role asā
I mean as long as itās private betweenā
Umā
Wow! Also we have a sense of how much leverage Phillips had here. Because technically, no, she did not get Senator Harding to vote against the U.S. resolution to fight Germany. However: Harding was just one Senator, and the Senate voted 82-6 in favor of war. A pouterson-whipped German asset would vote āyesā just to keep up their cover. And then when Harding ran for President in 1920, the Republican National Committee (great guys) gave Phillips significant money, plus a free tourist vacation to Japan, in exchange for staying quiet. So, yes, her blackmail position was strong. She had Jerry over a barrel. And thatās not the only letter these lovebirds exchanged about money:
If Iām reading that right, Carrie Fulton Phillips blackmailed Warren G. Harding. And then Harding tried to continue that affair, while starting another affair (Britton), and considering funneling cash to Phillips from the U.S. defense industry. Harding did that within two weeks of becoming a Senator. And he did that during the bloody middle of The War To End All Wars. Itās almost impossible to fathom. Itās like a sexy, unsexy, 1920s Iran-Contra. Harding is like a Voltron made of John Edwardses. And if thereās a hero in this story ā which is a Mount Jerry-sized āifā ā if thereās a hero in this story, I gotta say, itās the written word. Letās give it up for the written word. Because nothing else could provide such a powerful time capsule of seemingly boring history guy Warren G. Hardingās grossness.
Alex Schmidt makes Secretly Incredibly Fascinating, which is a good podcast. LISTEN TO IT IMMEDIATELY. Also he taped this episode about The Great Lakes before he discovered Warren G. Hardingās Lake Superior metaphor (thank god).