Hail and greetings, genital warriors. If you need to warm up before the day’s Great Hog Tournament commences, please check your Comprehensive Manual of Dick-to-Dick Combat. See Chapter 1 for basic grips and strokes. See Chapter 2 for twists, licks, and ball-tickling. Finally revisit Chapter 3 for proper suction and head motion. There, you’re back up to Dick Fighting form. Now, get your dicks out (I am subtracting points, your dicks should have already been out) and let’s begin.
Let’s get right to the meat: The answer to the question we’ve all been breathlessly awaiting since the most pivotal moment of Dick Fight Island, Part 1…
How can love blossom after you’ve executed a savage dicksplitter on your partner?
It’s not easy. Trust, like ornamental dick armor, is easy to break and difficult to mend.
Pisao of the fishing clan was up against his own training partner and future lover, Yudha. He opened the fight by kicking Yudha in the face, then dropping to one knee so his bladed cock could split the man’s dick armor right down the middle, leaving his dong to flop out like a sick bird, vulnerable and exposed. It’s the most you can physically and psychologically dominate another human being, and that’s shaky bedrock to build a relationship on.
Pisao and Yudha live together after the tournament. They plan to marry. They’re still very much in love, but as Yudha works designing their future home, he can’t help but reflect on being dicksplit. It haunts him. Dicksplitting is his own personal Vietnam. He models something on his computer, flashes back to being dicksplit, pushes it aside. Overcomes it.
Then Pisao wanders up like “YO! Hey remember your dick armor? That you worked so hard on? That you thought would protect you? Your most vulnerable bits? Haha, remember when I split that in half like it was nothing and then I dragged you into my ass and made you shamegasm in front of the whole island? All right man, love you!’
Once you dicksplit your partner, that is your relationship dynamic. You are the dicksplitter and they are the dicksplitted. Every argument ends with “this is a pretty big fight but it’s nothing compared to that time I dicksplit you right in twain.”
They’re still going ahead with the marriage, but it’s not smooth sailing. It’s been Yudha’s job to build them a house, and he’s been slacking. I’m going to say it’s shellshock from watching his metaphorical manhood burst like a microwaved hot dog, but he mostly blames it on Harto for sending them an enormous case of butthole lube as a wedding gift.
Haha, we’ve all been there, right? Like, why put “one full case of butthole lube” on the registry if you’re gonna yell at me for picking it? Right, folks? Am I right? And why am I getting YOU a gift? If anything the married couple should buy their guests gifts, like “sorry for making you dryhump my aunt to Earth, Wind & Fire, here’s a toaster oven ALL RIGHT you’ve been great that’s my time!”
Anyway, aside from Split Dick Psychosis, this is just a cute little vignette about a newlywed couple getting a bit too lost into each other’s buttholes for their own good. They get their happily ever after moment, and I probably don’t have to say this, but of course they attend the ceremony in their formal dick armor.
I love it!
I love it, Pisao.
What utter domination, to begin a life together wearing a bladed codpiece. You could not make that relationship dynamic any clearer if you walked down the aisle to Nazareth’s “Hair of the Dog.” You don’t need a prenup if you get married in a dickblade, you’re telling everyone exactly how that marriage gets severed.
I’m breezing through this one because it’s just a little teaser. A short to break up the flow like Roro’s section last week. It’s not the real story. The real story is about our two remaining Dick Fighters: Naga and Vampir.
Vampir was the gentle mystical waif of the Healer Clan, while Naga was the eyepatched hardass warrior of the Dragon Clan. But you’ll remember that Vampir’s special move was to blast himself in the face with powerful hallucinogens from his armored codpiece in order to summon a dickfighting demon ancestor named Delar. You will remember that. If you forget that, I don’t know what possible information you’re going to slot into those brain cells. Those neural connections are shaped like a psychogenic dickfighting demon ghost and there’s just no way a recipe for fish or directions to a carwash are mapping over that shit. That’s eternal information. As we die and our brains shift into overdrive to process an entire life before we pass, hallucinogenic dickfighting demons will invade each and every one of our Forever Dreams like those red dudes from Elden Ring.
And I, for one, cannot wait for it.
Anyway, apparently Vampir sparkles in a way that is both more and somehow less gay than Twilight. That’s neither here nor there, just a bit of dickbuilding lore.
Vampir is asking the chief about their romantic problems: Though they did hook up after their match, Naga is avoiding Vampir for some reason. He spends all his time sulking with his adorable dragon which, remember, were once beasts so fearsome that men battled to death while riding them – that’s actually how they settled disputes before the more civil age of Gentleman’s Dickfighting. Over centuries of breeding they turned their battle dragons into adorable little lizards kind of like how we genetically suplexed wolves into pugs. I think it’s included here because it speaks to how far the Dragon Clan has fallen in general, but maybe also mirrors how Naga is feeling about himself after their bout.
See, like Yudha, Naga is also psychically scarred after his lover – let me reiterate – dick dominated him with hallucinogenic codpiece dust that gave his body over to a demonic fuckmaster.
That takes a toll. That is going to take a toll on any relationship. Maybe it’s not as damaging as cheating, but it’s way worse than leaving the groceries in the car so the ice cream melts. Orgasm bullying your lover with the spirit of a long dead genital torturer is firmly worse than forgetting the Breyer’s. Every couples counselor knows that. But Naga still wants to be with Vampir, and goes instantly into denial about the sex demon that lives within him. He actually does it in a weirdly upbeat way…
Right, you’re setting us up for something, Dick Fight Island. You’re clearly putting us in position for – wait, oh holy shit. Are you setting us up for wacky hijinks where Naga is desperately in love with Vampir, but not at all with the furious dong monster that shares his body? Are there going to be flirty misunderstandings and hilarious switcheroos with the hallucinogenic ghost of an evil, long-dead cock wrangler? This is some nightmare world Three’s Company shit and I have never been more for anything in my life.
And that’s – fuck yes! That’s exactly what we get!
Once again we see the warriors fooling around for joy outside of battle, talking about how strange and how right it feels. They even start practicing Harto’s secret assblasting technique – the most fearsome special move in their island’s history. And they’re doing it for fun! Harto really fucked up an entire culture here. He introduced an invasive species to a fragile ecosystem and that invasive species was anal play.
Okay, so the book hinted at this a few times, and I genuinely think this is where the story is eventually going: I think by introducing assblasting to the dick fighters, Harto has begun the slow fall of their society. These men had no idea that gayness even existed before Harto was their First Man In An Ass. Well, some did, but it was apparently something reserved for the ruling elite. That’s why an average gay roommate in our world is better than their greatest dickfighter – a homosexual practices dickfighting all the time, and not even for the rulership of a nation! You can’t beat that pure passion.
But now the seal is broken, and every single fighter that took part in Harto’s competition is falling in love with one other. They’re all practicing dick fighting outside of the ring, almost like it’s not fighting at all. I think this is how Pulau’s society as they know it falls. I mentioned before it’s like an invasive species, but that’s not right. It’s more like the printing press or the cotton gin. Harto is sparking a revolution for the people based off access to a new technology…
Gayness.
I’m going back to college to make this my thesis so I can dress up in a bladed codpiece and defend it, but that’s for another day. Let’s get back to Naga and Vampir. They’re fooling around, doing very tender, cautious experimentation with this frightening new position…
When Vampir gets too into it.
You didn’t know he could channel the demon without his dick armor drugs! But he absolutely can, and the dong-dominating spirit he holds at bay starts to come out now – while he’s fingering Naga’s butthole with one hand and jacking him off with the other!
This is the second worst time for an ancestral dickfighting demon to possess your boyfriend, next to the three-legged race at a church picnic with his close-minded family. There’s nothing Naga can do: The demon makes him cum like a toothpaste tube in the Mariana trench, and now Naga is scared to see Vampir again.
That’s when the king tells it to Vampir straight:
That’s right.
He’s a sex berserker.
I’m not being funny!
Straight up, the king pulls him aside, puts a tender hand on his shoulder, and in a voice heavy with paternal concern he says “you’re a dick berserker. You go hog wild for hog. You are the scourge of dongs everywhere, and the limitless fury you slip into while jacking off a man is something we weaponized and turned on our enemies.”
And now, if he ever wants a relationship outside the ring, he’s going to have to learn to fuck like he’s not trying to kill an elephant with his dick. It’s the old “they made me a weapon, now I don’t know how to be anything else” scene from every Rambo movie, only it’s about dickfighting!
Wonderful. I never would have asked for a Rambo/Dick Fight Island crossover, but that’s not because I don’t want it. It’s because to want it would have been to open myself up to disappointment with a world that wouldn’t allow something so beautiful. Thank you, Dick Fight Island. You dream the impossible.
With the revelation that not all lovers give control of their limbs to a genital-punishing ghost, Vampir goes to beg his ancestors for help. The uh, the same ancestors that put the sex berserker inside him in the first place.
It’s the old carpenter and the nail problem. When the only tool you have is a furious dick demon cohabitating your body, every problem starts to look like an enemy cock.
Naga is an elementary school math teacher, which – imagine that, imagine you found that out. Imagine the mental schism you’d have when those worlds collided. When you first realized your teacher has a life outside of school, and this is it. Like instead of going to the movies and finding Mr. Bellevue taking tickets, you went to a dickfighting contest and saw him in the ring with his big glasses and tight sweater vest and a huge math-themed codpiece. That’s what these kids are dealing with-
…as their teacher just has a mental breakdown over being cockwalloped. They start negging him about his 0-1 dickfighting career, and somehow that helps Naga come to the realization that his warrior spirit will never let him date a man he hasn’t dicked into the dirt.
For the sake of their love, they must duel one more time! With penises!
You know that ‘two rogue samurai rip off their cloaks to reveal their swords’ scene? Here it is with dongs.
This isn’t a sparring session. Pride demands that they go all out. Vampir understands this, and he once again gives his body over entirely to Delar the Undead Dick Demon. Naga comes at him with a halfmast roundhouse and immediately eats beach.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. A fancy kick can tell if you’re not into it. If there’s any hesitation at all to something as impractical as a spinning facekick, don’t even try it. This is a move to be used when you are fully erect or not at all.
But Naga isn’t beaten. Battle is hardening his nerves and blood is hardening his cock. He shoulderflips Vampir into the surf and transitions seamlessly into full anal penetration. Now it’s a battle to see who cums first – the fucker or the fuckee!
But Delar’s whole life is dickfighting. What time he does not spend blasting cocks in this dimension is spent in hell, thinking about blasting cocks. Of course he has knowledge of another forbidden technique! Lost to time! Impossible and blasphemous but beyond all else… powerful.
It’s the Power Bottom!
Naga’s mind and soon to be load are blown.
It was absolute genius to make Dick Fight Island so sheltered and centered on actual dick-to-dick combat that even the basic tenets of gayness are like Goku going Super Saiyan for the first time.
“I-I don’t understand! I’m fucking him, but… but he’s fucking me! His buttfucking level! It’s over 9000!”
The match ends as it must for this relationship to survive: in a draw between mighty warriors. Which in this case means simultaneous orgasm.
I’m going to take this lesson into my own love life. A simultaneous orgasm is no longer good timing. It’s a fuckwar without a winner.
Now that Naga has proved to himself – and more importantly to the berserker cock demon that lives inside his boyfriend – that he’s a true warrior, they can look each other in the eye as equals once again. A perfect ending to a perfect story.
There’s a final wrap-up, framed by the domestic lives of Matthew and Harto as they catch up on everything happening with the other warriors. Pisao and Yudha had to swim back home after the wedding, a ritual which apparently killed Yudha, going by this panel-
Everyone admires Naga’s bravery, to go steady with the Pazuzu of butt stuff.
Everyone also admires Bulan’s bravery, to go steady with Roro – the man with an eternally-growing lobster dick.
And we even catch up with Taring the resident twink who, in the first match, got buttfingered so hard it whipped up a sandstorm. He had a sweet cock whip that shook vibrations into his enemy’s codpiece – a technique taught to him by the island’s masters of vibration (lesbians) – and I thought it was a pretty neat gimmick. But he never received an ounce of respect and was promptly dropped from the story. Until now! What’s he up to? What’s his whole deal?
He’s getting molested by his uncle.
Not all of these are fun.
Matthew and Harto are done catching up and start to fool around… when something terrible occurs to Matthew: is this not over? They’re a couple now, but the next time the tournament comes around, is Harto just going to run off to battlehump eight other men into the ground? It’s a valid fear…
To which Harto, ever the purebred fuck dope answers-
“HELL! YES!”
…
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Ted H, who for tax purposes only is a legal citizen of Dick Fight Island. TAX PURPOSES ONLY.