Tag: Topper Goodmeadow

Video games are just a normal thing people do now in between pornography and sleep, and it’s great. But Gamers, as a culture, are still pretty vile. They have a lot of problems with women. And minorities. And trans people. And other gamers. They basically absorbed all the worst parts of hate groups, but in a laughably ridiculous way, like Kirby devouring a bigot and then putting on his adorable little Klan hood. We’re here to focus on the misogyny today, specifically in the fetishization of girls in fighting games, because it is crazy that so many nerds want to pummel something every bit as much as they want to fuck it. 

Hi, I accidentally spilled Punching Day in my Fucking Day and now it looks very Upsetting Day, but I’m going to drink it anyway.

Haha Topper, I honestly forget you exist every single week. 

That is a great outlook, Topper! Could it be that you’re-

Guzzle dicks, Topper. 

Let’s get started. This is an actual ad for Tekken 6:

While this is oddly entrancing and definitely art, you may have noticed they forgot to even mention that it’s for a videogame. No seriously, they seem downright reluctant to mention their own product in this advertisement for that product:

Viral Girl Fight Spot is perhaps not the best way to phrase it. Or actually, you know what? Yes it is. Viral Girl Fight Spot is both my favorite bar and my patented sex move. It’s also just one full minute of damp women wrestling in underwear, which again, is not something I hate… but also is not something I would pay $60 to simulate a PG-rated version of. Not when I could pay $0 to watch the XXX version where two girls actually bang on top of two girls fighting and they incorporate the shoe. You need the internet to access this softcore pornography, which means you have the internet, and can just access hardcore pornography. Why is this a thing?

It’s true, we’ve all been so ruined by internet depravity that the fanbase for this kind of thing is almost cute.

That’s like an 11 year-old’s understanding of sexuality. An 11-year old from before the internet. From like, 1986. An 11-year old from 1986 who hadn’t found any hobo pornography in the woods yet. 

This guy’s cat can’t even conceive of people that don’t like watching virtual girls fight. “They must be girls themselves,” Mr. Twiddles muses. “They must be girls who are actively losing a fight? And are mad about it, so they log onto YouTube midfight to dislike videos of girls fighting?” 

He also calls women “females” while he blames them for online problems based on no evidence. It’s a good thing Mr. Twiddles is already a pussy, or I’d posit that he might die without ever touching one.

Here’s another video, this one devoted to cataloguing every possible iteration of one fighting game girl’s “Sexy Combos.” 

Listen, I get it: that’s 104 damage. That’s hot. I’m a ‘90s kid. We literally invented this fetish. I’ve paused a Spinning Bird Kick, I know what’s up. It’s two women in tight clothing doing stretches, of course I understand the appeal. Plus one of them is doing a full Captain Kirk-style two-footed dropkick, and that’s my exact fetish. Now, it does get a little weird when one of the women is replaced by a kangaroo…

But again, this is the internet. I consider it an average day when I stumble across something where the deep sexuality of kangaroo punishment is only implied.

And to be fair, fighting games don’t design asses in the dark. So far these fans are just documenting default moves — it’s the games themselves that put this stuff out there:

The little hearts that shoot out of her butt when she sits on her opponent’s face are not missing some key cultural context. That’s not how a Japanese opponent honors the effort you put into a fight. Lots of video games are still just very embarrassing, and they would like to, at all times, gently remind you of the fucking you’re not doing.

But as with literally everything, things get weird when we delve into the mod scene:

Somebody took weeks out of their life to lovingly craft bikinis for every single female character in this fighting game, just so you could peek at 14% more of their digital ass when they high kick. And the fans love it!

Every one of these comments sounds like it comes from a late-blooming tween that doesn’t understand sex yet, but feels compelled to pretend because all of a sudden his friends are talking about boobs at the slumber party instead of Pokemon.

“Oh geez man I sure do love the chest parts when you can see a lot of them and then the girls get mad at them and they jostle ‘em rudely.”

Not all bikini mods are made equal:

Every character in Street Fighter V has a crazy horse body that is barely recognizable as a human, much less a sexual one. But this dude still spent 60 hours of his life putting lumpy beasts in Borat bikinis so he could masturbate when their fists clipped through each other’s tits. 

Remember, this isn’t one of those janky Skyrim mods where you can maybe put them in erotic scenarios like bending over in front of a skeleton. This game is all about brutal hand to hand combat, so the bulk of the video is this:

Don’t forget that fighting is a huge part of this fetish, and all that wholesome enthusiasm in the comments is exclusively for strugglefucking.

Holy shit, yes! Topper, that is spot on. This is strugglefucking for Disney fans. It’s PG bondage. Snugglefudging is so good, man. It’s so soft that it’s almost vile. That word is like a rotten mushroom. Topper, thank you. And hey, good on you for writing out “fuck” for once.

Topper, god damn it. Can you at least suck consistently?

Anyway, let’s delve deeper into Snugglefudge culture.

Ah yes, we’ve dug down into the foot stratum. No woman is allowed to exist anywhere, even virtually, without some dude in a withered soul patch cataloguing the wrinkles on her soles. We laugh about foot fetishes a lot here, because jerking off to a toenail is inherently funny, but all things considered they’re pretty mild. Don’t get distracted though: this is not just a video about a barefoot mod on a fighting game girl. It’s specifically about her losing scenes. 

This is not solely about masturbating to pixelated feet, it’s about masturbating to the pixelated feet of a woman who’s just been beaten unconscious. 

These Snugglefudgers can’t even get off if there’s an intact female skull at the far end of them wiggling piggies.

There are lots of asses and feet in that gif, but it’s clear the intended climax here is when a woman’s face gets crushed between all of them. Once again, the comments read like somebody pretending to be into this because they walked into the wrong conference hall and haven’t come up with a good distraction yet.

“Gotta love that foot, am I right guys? Yes, I came here to discuss old socks on purpose. You know, I heard the front desk girl say she couldn’t find her toenail clippers. You bad dudes go on ahead, I’ll catch up!”

“Yes, one for feet, and feet for all! Let’s close our eyes and think of toes, fellas — hey is this there a trick to this door? Do you just pull or…?”

Topper! You don’t learn!

Haha save your “ohs” for when you got some “god nos” to put on them. It gets worse!

Look at that greasy hulk about to ruin some poor gal’s wedding dress. I’m not taking screengrabs out of context here, check that title:

That’s all this video is about. Oiled domestic abuse in exotic locales. Look at those views! Two million! There is an absolutely booming market for people who love nothing more than to watch Manderson Cooper hate-crime fake women through the floor:

Hey let’s scroll down to the comments here, see all the outrage:

All the folks calling this out as enabling the worst kind of misogyny…

Let’s find those heroes willing to stand up and say, “maybe you shouldn’t cum to this!”

Hey Topper, pay real close attention to those thumbs. See how all of them are pointing up?

No problem my man. Thank you for Snugglefudge!