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FUCKING DAY

Fucking Day: Pokemon That Look Like Sex Toys

Thank you for coming. Webster’s defines “unnecessary” as “a thesis statement on an article already titled Pokemon that Look Like Fucking Sex Toys.” So get your parents’ permission and cut your 1-900-HOTDOG Pokemon Sex Toy Detection Glasses out of the screen now.

Hi, I’m a handsome stranger approaching you with dildos and Pokemon, so naturally you’re feeling very safe. Forget that feeling. I’ve given you a terrible responsibility– improperly calibrated Pokemon Sex Toy Detection Glasses can sear a permanent butt plug onto a human retina. So put them on and -delicately- look at this picture of Ambipom with no other monsters or sex toys in your eyeline.

If you are wearing your PSTD Glasses over your regular glasses or contacts, there is no coherent second half of this sentence. Visual communication with you is impossible. You’ve made a terrible mistake, though some of it may be my fault, and dildos, dildos is all your visual cortex will ever know. These letters are nonsense things being demolished by pleasure while you listen to a confused eye doctor console your family. For everyone else, it should look like this.

If calibrated correctly your glasses should detect no sex toys. That’s because Ambipom is a sex pervert, not a sex toy. He has six milk-blasting udders flailing from the end of two penises and all of his special attacks are super effective against feet. According to Pokefunpedia, Ambipom is evolved by using a Moist Stone when a Pikachu screams his cock torture safe word. I’m telling you all this because it’s important to remember: these glasses cannot detect criminal perversion in your pokemon. They detect the presence of adult toys in its physiology and nothing else.

Your glasses uplink to online adult retailers, trawl their databases for matches, and will display their exact product names in the red readout on your 1-900-HUD. As you can see, Metapod is a Bug-type Pokemon who is a near perfect match for the asshole of someone named Hot Chocolate Nicole. There is an experimental Kink Shame blocker installed in your glasses’ software, so if you choose to have sex with a turd-colored fake colon that evolves into Butterfree at level 10, your glasses should be incapable of judgement. But I think I speak for your glasses when I say the issue in your dating life is you, and in many ways, your poop thing.

We have another match in this horrible and arguably pointless thing we’re doing! Any good lawyer could make the case Onix owes money to “Sassy Anal Beads,” available for $10.95 at Adam and Eve. If nothing else, know that next time you see an Onix using Rock Throw, an adventurous couple is greasily popping something that looks exactly like him out of an anus together.

Floette is a cute Fairy-type Pokemon who is also, according to all science, an anal plug with flippers. It knows it and it’s happy about it. The entire article is observations like this.

“Imagine a world where fuckable plastic mouths were so plentiful you could find them in every lawn, every park. Stop imagining. The world of Pokemon is here.” – Vice President of Pokemon, 1999

When you meet an Unown, you might say, “Your name does a great job of explaining you, but I still have some questions.” You’ll say the same thing when you meet its real-life counterpart, “Silicone Ball Spreader.” Like how are you so cute when all you are is a nonsense space letter? And how far apart are my balls supposed to be? Ladies, your obsession with very separate balls and this adorable nonsense monster are creating unreasonable beauty standards for us men. Which leads to my last question: what would veteran comedian Andrew ‘Dice Man’ Clay say if he played Pokemon? I think it would go

a little

something

like

this:

Professor Oak: Ash! Sudowoodo is a Rock-type Pokemon with “perfectly contoured shapes for G-spot, clitoris, and back door.”

Ash: I’m nine!

As of this moment, there are 802 Pokemon. That’s a strain on any creature designer’s creativity and so some of them are just a face drawn on an ice cream cone or a flesh light. Snom is special in that it’s impossible to tell if he was born from creative bankruptcy or divine inspiration, but he is very precisely an anus dog toy crossed with a hermit crab. I could try to describe how strange I think that is, but I don’t know how I could improve on this actual user review: “Pretty good little male masterbator… The butthole could look a little more realistic, but the ‘Stroke It Ass’ does feel good. 4 out of 5 stars.” Here’s another one:

Someone named Buzz gave it five stars with only the comment, “Real feel ????” Fun Fact: This means Buzz is so desperate to know what a real butt feels like he is screaming questions at people who have sex with fake ones and also have no means of replying to him. It’s literally the last possible place where he could find answers, which means Buzz has already asked what an actual butthole feels like everywhere else. Churches, police stations, foreign embassies, and anyway, the most exhausting part of being a genius is how every time you read product reviews for fake anuses, your brain notices things like this.

Some Pokemon are only temporarily sex toys during an awkward stage in their evolution. For example, Weedle is a 50 Shades of Grey-branded string of anal beads only until he powers up enough to become Kakuna…

Now that Weedle is Kakuna, he’s a Bug/Poison-type Pokem– hold up, now this thing is just a rubber vagina in a necktie.

You may see a self-satisfied pervert with filth dripping from his head fists, but according to the Pokemon Sex Toy Detection glasses, this is not an adult toy. Diggersby is merely a deviant terrorizing its community with sex crimes.

If you’re trying to create an adorable monster or an appealing sex toy, “scattered human remains” is pretty bold choice. I mean, I get why perverts might want a realistic chunk of corpse pelvis you can fuck, but I can’t picture a video game artist bringing a vagina on a butt into a pitch meeting and getting the note, “Can we add a little doo doo pile to one side?” It’s obviously what happened, but why? How?

Dunsparce is an anal dildo who dreamed of flying until he grew wings.

If you asked me what kind of person puts a pig on a spring and squeezes a pearl between its ears, I wish I could tell you with certainty, “SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO JAM IT UP HIS ASS.” Sadly, Spoink is only a partial match for the Performance Anal Pleasure Plug.

Any Pokemon trainer capturing a Hatterene is making plans to masturbate later. It’s absurd to think this swarm of phallic shapes was ever meant to do anything other than vibrate a hole to climax. The Pokedex entry for Hatterene reads, “A formidable dildo already, in its Gigantamax form, this Psychic/Fairy-type Pokemon can hum enemy vulvas into other worlds where they are mistaken for molting Kakunas.” I stand by my decision to write this; all of this.

Any novelty glasses can tell you Milcery is not an adult toy, but he helps test if you’re still capable of surprise when you learn there’s a Pokemon creature who’s nothing more than a contented squirt of semen.

Baltoy is a Genderless Pokemon with the Levitate ability, which is how game designers interpreted the Luxe Wearable Vibra Plug, a unisex ball toy that floats around your body cavity as you go about your day. Basically, they’re both fun things to put in your butt and forget about, and unfortunately that’s only the word “delicious” away from the actual product description’s closer:


This article was brought to you by our fine patron and Hot Dog Supreme, LaziestManOnMars: Who might be lazy but he made it all the way to Mars. The fuck did you ever do?

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