My name is Topper Goodmeadow, and I have been the Assistant Content Strategist for all promotional material related to Tyson Dinosaur Fun Nuggets for the past ten years. When I answered the advertisement for this position, I was thrilled at the chance to bring all of my experience writing in the voice of processed chicken to the exciting, Rock and Roll world of professional hot dog blogging. We in the Processed Meat Writing industry refer to the hot dog circuit as “the crimson ring” because it is every bit as coveted as it is intimidating.
To be frank* with you, I was a little frightened. So many of my contemporaries have attempted the ambitious jump to hot dogs, and I have seen the broken families and devastation left behind when they fail. It was off of the grill, and into the fire!** But I was comforted by the informal tone and self-awareness the 1900HOTDOG ad espoused, which described themselves as “unable to pull it back” and “bound for a lawsuit.” They needed a voice of reason, and that, my friends, is a Topper Goodmeadow specialty! I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but in high school I was voted both “most likely to buy a Honda Accord” and “SchoolPoll Inc System Default.”
I knew the passionate world of hot dog promotional material could, at times, go too far in their zeal for their product. Why, on occasion, the more foolhardy brands have even resorted to “sensuous” wiener and bun puns. That is a very serious mistake that always alienates reasonable religious families, and yes, one can even see how that could lead to lawsuits (Romney v. Fuckbucket’s Chili Penetrator, LLC, 318, U.S. 419, 1988). I was both eager and morally bound to lend the 1900HOTDOG crew my assistance.
As I can see now, this position (probably?) does not relate to processed meats, and to describe the content as “off-color” would be hyperbole, which I am not prone to, nor do I condone. Still, I do believe these men need my help in finding their way back to the straight and narrow, and I look forward to working with them to find a type of content they want to produce, and that the whole family can also enjoy instead of what they are doing now, which is going straight to heck.***
Although just between you and I, I can be a bit of a bad boy myself! I even fibbed a little on my application here: The ad dictated a ‘Conservative Mormon Content Strategist,’ but I am actually a member of the Community of Christ — what some think of as the “cool” Mormons! And though I have voted Republican in every single election, I do still consider myself, and am registered as an Independent in the wondrous and bountiful state of Pennsylvania. So you see, these maverick Internet gurus and I are a match made in Heaven! Hot dog,**** I can’t wait to meat***** you all!
Kindest wishes and best regards in the gentle but firm arms of Christ,
Topper B. Goodmeadow
*That was a little hot dog joke!
**That, too, was a little hot dog joke!
***Pardon my language!
****That was also a little hot dog joke!
*****This one was just a little hot dog joke!