Cracked Remaster: The Most Efficient Way To Do Everything

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7 replies on “Cracked Remaster: The Most Efficient Way To Do Everything”

PLEASE do more of these Cracked Remastered articles. I used to love that site until the greed goblins took over. Not to menchun the speling errarrs on there are enuf to mak sumone go insne!!!1!

If this piece did not result in a MacArthur Genius Grant being handed out within the first 12 hours of posting, what are they even for?

I would pay to see a hidden camera show where Italians eat Pizza Hut. TAKE MY MONEY!


The word shattered the quiet of his mind.


The word was an echoing taunt that he couldn’t escape. Deep inside he already knew, no matter what he did, where he fled to, the word would follow him.


The word, joined now with a compatriot. It invaded him – a thought from beyond his consciousness, projected into his mind. Violating it. Staining it.


The words grew louder, slowly filling him. He had searched. Truly, he had. He had followed the trail laid out before him. He had interrogated every part of the universe he could reach with mortal language for the answer to his question, and that answer had eluded him. No – been withheld.


“No,” he said, unaware that he had whispered aloud. “I must not. I cannot.”


The Words summoned now a haze, clouding his sight. “Curious,” he thought/said. “I always believed that It would wear a crimson veil.” Surely THE WORDS must have arisen from beyond him. No. These were not my thoughts. My? No. His. His thoughts. His WORDS. Another’s.

Silence? Now? Bewildered, he cast his gaze about his surroundings. Why? Why would THE WORDS have stopped? What plan did this demon hold for me? ME?! NO! HIM!


The silence in my mind shattered as a thousand voices screamed their new mantra. JUSTICE. Yes. “I must seek JUSTICE,” I said as the chartreuse fog fully overtook my vision. Consumed me. Overwhelmed me. THE WORDS were true. We must seek JUSTICE.


I throbbed now, filled to the breaking point with my newfound purpose.

Silence again? Peace?

NOW! (like, you can hear them pronounce the exclamation point)

The time had come. He had the answer. He must have had the answer. Why else would he write it? To taunt me? Surely no man would dare so foolish an act.


I stood upon the table now, my fists raised to the heavens, no longer able to discern what WORDS lived within me and which had erupted into the world from inside the fragile, fleshy shell this force had been constrained within. I found myself holding nunchuks. The really rad kind with, like, flames and skulls and stuff painted on them. Yes. The implements of JUSTICE. Whether in knowledge or flesh, we would see the price paid – the debt settled.

“I swear to you now, Brockway, upon the corpse of your zombie god that I WILL FIND YOU…”

Blood-flecked spittle dripped from my lips, staining my chest, my shirt long since shredded as the fury fled the shabby confines of my body.

“…unless you reveal to me how to spank a man to death in but a single blow!! FULFILL YOUR PROMISE OR FACE OUR WRATH!!!”

You got me thrown out of my favorite Olive Garden dude. Not cool.

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