The results of the first round of Poxco Regional Wrestling’s Wrestle-By-Mail Wrestlaclysm are in! We, two men running a comedy website in the year 2020, formed a wrestle-by-mail game company where readers could create their own grapplers and battle our PRW All-Stars to see if their creations have what it takes to enter the PRW Tournament! Most of them didn’t! Many died! That’s how high these stakes are.
Participants selected six moves and a finisher, and Seanbaby designed an actual, functioning AI system that analyzed these maneuvers to calculate match outcomes. We know how ridiculous this all sounds. Seven computers exploded in cowardice during the design of this imaginary wrestling tournament, and three others died of a broken heart when they tried to tame its untamable spirit.
Some matches were technical marvels, full of high drama and impossible reversals. This output might not look like much to you, but it represents two astonishing athletes doing epic battle.
Other matches were over just seconds after they started. This output might not look like much to you, but it represents a woman getting immediately mauled to death by a stray dog:
Thank you to all the readers who sent in wrestlers. To eight of you, great job. Your instincts and courage have led you to the greatest reward in all of fictional postal combat — our respect. To the remaining crippled, broken, and deceased: your weak blood will lubricate the engine of the strong’s glory. Also: your condolence letters should get delivered later in this article. May they find your mourning loved ones in good health.
To all the wrestlers who didn’t make it through or survive, you will have already received these custom-printed condolence cards and no partial refund of your $3890.89 entrance fee.