Two Learning Days ago we looked at Science 4 for Christian Schools, a textbook training children to kill the moon. It also covered tubed and untubed plants along with the latest confusion about the mysteries of electricity. I think we can all agree I, top-rated Internet’s me, was a delight when I made fun of it, but I’m not sure it’s fair dunking on a book made entirely out of stupid questions. So let’s take a look at a book made entirely out of stupid answers because, lucky us, I own a copy of the teacher’s guide for Science 4 for Christian Schools.
This homeschooling book lays a great foundation for a future in volunteer border patrols or cautionary zoo deaths. It seems to have been produced by taking a regular 4th grade science program and adding several chapters on how the moon can’t possibly be true, thus proving all science is fake. It’s something a mother would only teach her children if she was trying to get their brains soft enough to join her multi-level-marketing business.
The very first lesson the book is, you guessed it, using the moon to prove the limitations of science. If science can’t touch it, hear it, or taste it, science should shut the fuck up. And was science there to taste it when the moon was born? ANSWER ME. Oh, it wasn’t? Well then you’re done with Lesson One: Theories About the Moon’s Origin. None of this, and I mean all of this, means anything.
The 17th strangest thing about Christian education is how after they prove it’s pointless they keep going. So we are given a series of questions you as the teacher can ask your children about the moon. For instance, we all know the moon sucks and can’t exist, but what are the three ways it glorifies God? (holds messages, tells time, lights) And which type of God could magically make a whole universe? (a great one!) Those aren’t jokes! Those are Christian sciences!
Not all of the questions are fun, though. Question #7 is: What’s the point of this stupid fucking moon? The answer is, and I’m paraphrasing, to one day turn red and kill you. This is a fantastic type of crazy, and if I’m being honest, I don’t understand how homeschooled Christians didn’t end up being the coolest genre of people. If someone asks me about the moon I bore them to death with crater facts. A graduate of Science 4 for Christian Schools will tear off their shirt and scream, “Did you say moon!? Hurry! It can’t see you if you’re nude, wait, who sent you!? Show me the birthmark!”
Like all good scientists, we know disproving the moon’s origin isn’t as simple as saying “you weren’t there, checkmate.” What you need to do is, wait, this seems weird… send your child into the back yard and tell them to spin? Throw balls at them and discuss? I’m not even sure what angle to take to ridicule or debunk that. This is like declaring the sun is a hoax by gesturing at an unfinished game of Candyland. And then gesturing at it again and again before saying, “You know, this would make a great science textbook in honor of His majesty, Jesus Christ, help there are too many bees behind my eyes.”
I started off thinking this book was pointless, mainly because its first lesson was how all knowledge was pointless, but now I worry about handing knowledge this powerful to a child. If a game of dodgeball proves man is wrong about the moon, could tennis undo the cotton gin? Would not frisbee golf threaten to unravel our understanding of time? Secular science is completely lame in the face of these fantastic possibilities.
If you read the student version of this book, you know their section on electricity was a long complaint about how electricity is an invisible mystery no one can explain, and also a shout out to hair dryers. In order for you to teach this valuable lesson to your kids, ask them four questions:
One: Where does electricity come from? (No one knows for sure.)
Two: Can you see electricity (no)
Three: Where does electricity come from? (No one has figured it out since last time you asked.)
And Four: What are some times electricity has hurt you? (No right or wrong answers– this one is just for fun.)
It’s hard to think of any way a teacher or a student could fuck this lesson up. This is a group shrug (for beginners) with a lesson plan. I expect the section on Photosynthesis will just suggest I pull a knife on my kids and tell them they’re asking a whole lot of questions about photosynthawhatsits.
Speaking of questions, there are a few more regarding the moon.
Let me summarize. Here’s the science you know about the beginning of the moon, dipshits: none. Here’s who would know the science on that: um, maybe someone who was there? And let me check if that was fucking you: no. So using logic so plainly obvious it seems strange they bothered to write it down, the only one who could know where the moon came from is the unknowable being who conjured it. Whether or not He told someone about it is how we can tell fact from theory. Theories, if you can prove them, can become laws, but they can never become facts. And unprovable facts, or facts, are this science we’re discussing, but not science. Science is your enemy, help, the skull bees are back; free me from their terrible bites.
Very briefly, I want to review Plants with Tubes. As you recall, our lesson included how plants with tubes are true plants, liverworts may try to trick you, and nothing else. There is one thing to add, though. Liverworts are named after the ancient belief that they could cure liver disease, but science says maybe not. So now it’s a question of who we distrust more: science or the word of an untubed plant. Discuss this with your child (missing).
Now that we’re finished with biology, let’s get back to the moon. It moves around the Earth, but what if it didn’t? (We don’t have to guess because it happened.)
Discuss how awesome His marvelous power must have felt to the people of the book of Joshua while a stationary sun boiled them alive. (so awesome) Emphasize how God really did that shit. (Jesus Christ!) Ask them to name a single human who would even try something like that. (Hitler, maybe some Batman villains, answers may vary) Think what He might do to you if you refuse to accept the Sudden and Unexplainable Moon Theory (keep pushing Him, you goddamn kids, I dare you).
Welcome to Lesson 25: The Throat. I guess these Christian educators figured if none of this mattered, you and your children might as well build a fuckable robot mouth out of garbage?
We’re almost done, but there are a couple more things we need to discuss about the moon.
The Bible is vital to a Christian’s study of science, so don’t be afraid to use it to answer tough questions. For instance, what ingredients did God use when making the moon? (none) What kind of idiot would think the moon was made of something? (unsaved, foolish) What was electricity again? (fuck you, I don’t know) Thank you for your standing-sure-forever counsel, God. ( … )
Oh, sweet. There’s a Lasers chapter. And… it’s oddly comprehensive. There’s a lot of actual laser science and no mention of how they’re fake or an optometrist conspiracy to print Satanic messages on Lutheran corneas. So when your child graduates from Science 4 for Christian Schools, they will know two things: how nothing means anything, and how to build a real lightsaber. Five stars. 🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭