Podcasting Day: The Animal Kumite 🌭

This Podcasting Day we’re tackling a meme a month out of date because we’re former Cracked employees and some habits die hard. We invited Katie Goldin, the host of Creature Feature and all around animal lover to ask her: Which animals could you kill in a fight?

She should have spat in our eyes and dove out a window, but instead she stayed and had wonderful insights on the ancient art of Man vs. Animal kumite. Here’s the poll that started it all, and it’s hard to tell who’s crazier: The 28% of people who think a rat could knock them out, or the 6% who think they could wrestle a grizzly bear into submission.

Katie brings up a few excellent points during this podcast. Like just how big a wolf truly is, especially when compared to the Husky, which is Wolf Lite.

Even their skulls are on a whole other level:

Here’s the eagle Katie thinks could take down a man, even though Brockway thinks it looks like a rich middle school bully he used to know.

And finally here’s the spider that Sean barely defeated in hand to hand combat, and only then after it crippled his best friend.

Your eyes have been programmed to glaze over this part, but we would love it if you subscribed wherever you get podcasts. And we could seriously use some reviews here if you have the time. Just be sure to mention you’re in the 6% club and they’ll give you top priority.

7 replies on “Podcasting Day: The Animal Kumite 🌭”

I definitely think a rat – perhaps even one I had come to trust to operate me like a marionette – could bite me in a rage at my inferior kitchen skills, creating a wound that would result in sepsis while simultaneously exposing me to the plague, and then away before I could get my revenge for its betrayal.

Truly the long con of the rat world.

Pretty sure I could take everything through Eagle, though Eagle would be awful. I’d be a bloody mess, need lots of stitches and will probably be in the hospital for a while.
Large dog, depends on the breed; pissed off Mastiff no, untrained St. Bernard maybe.
King Cobra, yes, but I’ll be dead later from the poison of course.
Kangaroo…actually depends on the species. Most easily, Grey 50%/50% chance, Red…nope.
Everything else, no chance. Some people could take some of them, I personally could not. I’m sure there are people that are not me that can take a red kangaroo, crocodile, wolf, chimp and maybe even gorilla.
Anyone who thinks they can take an elephant is a liar or a moron. I literally can’t think of any way a human could even -harm- an elephant without a weapon.
At least a Grizzly you could maybe kick it in the balls when it rears up. 99% chance it will swipe your head off after, but it might work.

I have been trying to think of a way to defeat bears for years, as I am offended by the idea of an animal that is superior to me in every way. I read somewhere that the best way to deal with a bear attack is to curl up in a ball and hope they get bored, which is completely unacceptable. If I find myself cornered by a grizzly, I will try kicking him in the balls and my surviving family will let you know how I did.

Not quite a rat, but I fought and defeated a mouse once. Found it under my old apartment’s kitchen sink and it was still there, frozen in terror, five minutes later. I can’t remember if I tried to involve my landlords, but they weren’t onsite and were often useless. Browsed the Internet for ideas, but they were mostly answers to “I think there’s a mouse around here somewhere.” No mfers, there’s a mouse RIGHT HERE in the middle of my kitchen and it’s not even moving. How do I get rid of it without exposing myself to rabies or something. Finally, I found the suggestion of using a cat. Well, that’s better than any other idea I’ve seen. A cat lived with the sweet old Puerto Rican lady upstairs.

I told her about my situation and she said that the cat wasn’t much of a mouser, but she’d help me get rid of the mouse herself. She’d sweep it out with a broom and then out the kitchen door, outside to the fire escape. I was to stand in the opposite doorway to keep it from running into the rest of my apartment.

It was go time. She opened the cabinet door and it was still there, exactly how I had left it easily 30 minutes prior, still frozen in terror. Neighbor swept it out and of course it heads straight for me. Not knowing what else to do, I kick it and it goes sliding back to the middle of the kitchen, where the neighbor sweeps it out the open door and onto the landing of the fire escape. Its bottom half falls between the rungs. It struggles desperately for a second to hold on using its front claws before falling one story to its death.

So that’s the story of the time I fought a mouse and won. Surprised I haven’t heard more strategies of kicking smaller animals proposed in the podcast so far. It’s a perfectly good way to do damage to something shorter while keeping the majority of your body safe.

II’ve gone through the whole list and I’m unashamed to admit that everything but a cat could probably fuck me up. Not to brag, but I think I could take a housecat. It’s all about the element of surprise. You spray them with some water and then hit them with a sock full of nickels before they realize what’s going on.

I was attacked by a dog once (German shepherd – not a police dog) and even though I am pretty competent, that thing messed me UP. I managed to hurt it enough to back off, but I ultimately lost two fingers because of it.

Whoa! Really?!

Was it a situation where you knew it was a possibility or was it just a straight up surprise attack? I think that’s where most animals get their advantage. They get an unprovoked, unsuspecting, person who isn’t defending themselves for 1 strike. Most animals are gonna be able to at least hurt you pretty good (but ultimately lose) if you’re just sitting at your desk, pretending to work while reading 1900- Ho…OW!!! WTF?!? Who let an owl in here?!?

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