It’s time for our Great Annual Hot Dog Performance Review, where we look back on the year’s articles and try to gauge exactly how much we ruled this year. We scratched out the ‘weaknesses’ section on our evaluation sheet, and instead drew a picture of a lion with a mullet. Everything here kicks at least ass. At least. There was so much fine comedy in 2021 it’ll take us two weeks to get through it all. And remember, everything here has been made free! If you are trying to recruit folks into this little Hot Dog Cult, here are your weapons.
First up, it’s Learning Day! We learned so much this year: We learned of heroes and villains, the tragic sacrifices of children and the tragic sacrifices of garage sales. We learned of the devil! We learned a lot about the devil!
“Kids, do you like trading cards? Oh, they’re fine? Well, what about pogs? What are po– well, I guess they’re little paper coins for knocking over! Okay, how do you feel about Canadian farming superheroes? Wait, let me finish: Based on the crops themselves? Well, there’s no need for that kind of language. No, fuck YOU! Maybe you’re the pervert!”
– The most successful Saskatchewan Wheat Pool Adventurer’s Club focus group
From Danny Bonaduce(‘s sister), Beezbo is about an alien with impossible powers and no capacity for reason who refuses to learn several lessons on manners over the course of a supernatural rampage. “Educational,” says the box. “We have no memory of this,” says everyone involved.
With the full cooperation of the United States armed services, two unlicensed identical child detectives and their less qualified brother, Trent, are given full access to a weapon system that could destroy a small country. Their sister is there also! “I wish she wasn’t,” sing Mary Kate & Ashley.
Setting up a yard sale can be as stressful as getting Phyllis Diller’s husband, Fang, to help with the dishes, honk! But with this tape, your garage sale will run tighter than Phyllis Diller’s last eye lift, voowooop! In no time at all you’ll turn a better profit than Phyllis Diller’s plastic surgeon, arrooga! Follow these instructions to turn old into gold like Phyllis Diller’s plastic surgeon, eewooweeeooo!
Yoga and Captain Planet. Autonomy and board games. It’s up to us, Christian soldiers, to stop them all. Oh, an explanation? Well, yoga is training you for death and Captain Planet is training the children in Paganism. Choice demands a sacrifice of your babies, and board games have sharp cor– look, do you really want to hear all this or are you ready to write God a check?