It’s a sensational and spectacular Podcasting Day! Attack of the Show producer, Vanessa Guerrero, joins us to discuss something vital: the 1978 animated series Spider-Woman(‘s 11th episode, “Dracula’s Revenge”). And in his almost insufferable nerd way, Seanbaby (me) has set up a chaotic quiz game to see if Vanessa and Brockway can, using this Dracula episode alone, decipher the Sacred 16 Spider-Woman Tropes. They almost do! They’re Spider-Woman geniuses!
Be careful of the Amazing Spider-Spoilers ahead because below this paragraph are the Sacred 16 Spider-Woman Tropes. Continuing to read may enhance your listening experience, or ruin it completely! Look, I know Spider-Woman, not how you personally interface with art. Anyway, you can follow along here:
Let’s say, for instance, two non-tomb dealers saw a tomb labeled “Dracula’s Tomb” with a little bat on it and they said, “we’re rich!” A normal situation would go, “No, wait, that can’t possibly be what’s happening.” Not a Spider-Woman plot.
I’m not going to write, like, an entire funny list article here. That would be crazy.
There is nothing Spider-Woman can’t or won’t add lasers to. Like in episode two whe– no. No, we’ll be here all day. This is only podcast footnotes!
The show was going for a cute “Battle of the Sexes” with the main character and her uselessly horny co-worker, Jeff, but they didn’t quite nail it. He mostly just complained to her about how confused and pathetic she must be. And to her credit, she usually had a sweet comeback like, “You’re, of course, absolutely right, Jeff.”
Spider-Woman can see anywhere from any angle for any reason, but it only works if the writer’s can’t figure out how to get to the next scene. The most egregious example of this was in the episode “The Kingo Spider” or “The Kongo Spider” as it’s sometimes spelled, where Jessic– wait, no. No, I’m doing it again.
If you’re not Spider-Woman, go ahead and assume you’re going to get transmorphed into a minion version of the main bad guy by the end of the episode.
If I was implying above that Spider-Woman was secretly smart simply because a sexist man was calling her dumb, ha ha ha. No. No, Spider-Woman is stupid as shit. She dropped out of third grade to take a job testing football helmets, which now that I think about it, would be less insane than the character’s actual three separate origin stories.
If you’re in trouble but someone is expecting Jessica Drew at an informal gathering she’s sort of running late for, Spider-Woman will 100% leave you to fucking die.
That’s Spider-Woman’s nephew Billy, and she seems to be both his primary guardian and desperately trying to murder him. If she wasn’t Spider-Woman it would be weird to bring this child to so many workplaces and dangerous situations.
“Jesus, do we really need wolfman eye lasers in addition to everything else?” said no Spider-Woman producer ever.
I mean, sure, beams can hurt or turn you into a Dracula, but did you know they can quadruple any windmill? Paralyze you for an hour? Clog your hand’s venom sacs? Block an entire moon? Wolf any man? Restitch your skin with the flesh of the dead? These are real examples from this episode alone.
“Hey, should we call Star Wars to make sure Darth Vader wants to be in this episode?” said no Spider-Woman producer ever.
I don’t mean “science is magic” like the show believes in the limitless power of human potential. I mean whoever wrote this show screams and drops to their knees when they see magnets. If you told a Spider-Woman writer you powered a starship with a potato, they would have no questions other than “potato.”
“Hold on, gentlemen, I’m not sure all these things add up,” said no Spider-Woman writer ever.
I didn’t mean to do one about her ass, it just happened organically.
At the end of an adventure, the most important thing is for Jeff to know he was the real hero. Great job, Jeff. And we’re really sorry you missed everything again, Spider-Woman-shaped lady with the same luxurious hair and butt.