Teamworking Day: Total Self Defense 🌭

In the 1980s anybody who could snap kick was called “Grandmaster,” and you had to pay $15 a month plus belt fees to listen to a man who lost a fight to every cheesesteak he ever met talk about discipline. Grandmaster John McSweeney is exactly that man. He was an early adopter of American Kenpo, the most hilarious of martial arts. He’s known as “the man who brought karate to Ireland!” by anybody in earshot when he shouts it. If there’s one thing you think about when you think about Ireland, it’s karate. He wrote an entire book and released a feature length video about his passion: Street Karate. Fuck yes. Fucking fuck yes let’s talk about Total Self Defense with Grandmaster John McSweeney!

Brockway: We build wishes in our hearts and the world knocks them down. You heard “street karate by Grandmaster John McSweeney, Irish karate lord” and you thought the video would whip ass – all synth intros and jump cuts, karate death chops and prowling tigers, but deep down inside you knew the world wouldn’t allow that. 

Today, perhaps for the only time in your life, you get exactly what you want.

Seanbaby: This video fucking rules, and I’m so happy.

Brockway: There’s no better way to open a karate video than this. You could jumpkick through a burning Soviet flag and I’d ask you where the fucking tiger was, loser. This theme song was made with the ‘Karate Mambo’ preset that came on every 1988 Casio, and you’ll never forget it. It will roar in your ears every time a bar pervert disrespects the woman who doesn’t know she’s your girlfriend.

Seanbaby: Karate, gun, karate, gun, tiger is the cheat code for making the perfect video. I’ve never seen a more beautiful series of editing decisions. If you told me, “This is a magical tape where each person sees exactly what they want,” I’d believe you.

Brockway: Sean, this is a magical tape where each person sees exactly what they want. We’re only seeing the exact same thing because our hearts are in sync. 

Grandmaster John McSweeney begins his presentation like all women will end his presentation: completely wet. 

Brockway: He wants you to know that “McSweeney’s Self Defense is designed for police and security professionals as well as the ordinary citizen.” It’s tough to imagine now, but this was from a time when we thought we should respect police. We were so brain-poisoned that Paul Verhoeven released a two-hour biting satire about corrupt, incompetent law enforcement stealing our civil rights, and our national response was to cheer when Robocop shot a guy in the nuts. With that in mind, I want you to picture 1980s policemen, direly serious and fully mustached, attempting each of these techniques in pitched battles with cartel hitmen.

Seanbaby: I know enough about bad karate to know that suggesting this karate should count as attempted murder. If you showed this karate to my hero, Robocop, he’d say, “Nice try, creep,” and punch through your dick with a far more effective type of blow.

Brockway: In every way Grandmaster John McSweeney fails karate, he succeeds at karate catchphrases. 

Brockway: That may not sound like much, but you need context. Cool karate sayings are hard. Basic karate maniac Richard Fike inspired his students by saying that “sloppy practice makes sloppy joes.” That’s how you inspire karate mutiny, Sloppy Dick. McSweeney ends his introduction with “Self defense means meeting violence, with violence!” Followed by “ATTACK THE ATTACKER!” That is a fucking mutineer deterrent. I don’t know how you keelhaul a man on a stripmall dojo, but all of his students are terrified of it.

Seanbaby: It’s sort of suspicious that John seems to have put no effort into cardio, weight training, or karate, but has hundreds of carefully rehearsed excuses for murder.

Brockway: It’s not his fault. Grandmaster John McSweeney is a powerhouse of a man, a human tiger. Death doesn’t follow in his wake, it’s running from him. And I get what you’re really asking by bringing up his cardio and weight training – don’t worry, he’ll teach you how he stays in such great shape by channeling great cats later – but first, killing a man instantly. Eight ways.

Brockway: No games, no coy hints or delayed promises. You want to know how to do the death touch? Sweet, we’ll get to eight of them right away, first thing, before you learn how to stretch. McSweeney boasts “the unarmed portion contains powerful strikes which are designed to drop assailants instantly.” Instantly. Every strike. He has no use for blows that do not maim and destroy. He’s a karate Midas. Grandmaster John McSweeney can’t pet any dog he loves, that’s the price he paid for this power.

Seanbaby: This is a philosophy I can use. Now, when I fight I know not to bother with all the punches that won’t knock my enemy out. When I make love, I can save so much poking by making every thrust a climax. When I speak Spanish I can ignore the words that aren’t “Hombre-Murciélago,” which is how they say Batman. Wait, I bet it works in English too. Batman. Batman!

Brockway: Firebird. Firebird jumpkick manslaughter. Dong. Firebird dong. 

Holy shit, it works.

Now to properly death touch you will need to be able to channel “explosive hitting power” which sounds like a lifelong quest full of training, but no, that section takes 30 seconds and it’s 50% this: 

And 50% this:

Brockway: As a little bonus, you are now immune to all attacks. “This covers the full range of protection,” McSweeney says, windmilling. “They can’t even hurt your feelings, and they will try,” he probably adds. Windmilling.

Seanbaby: I think I could punch him if I timed it juuuuuuuust ri– no, he’s right. It’s impenetrable.

Brockway: There’s no crack in the armor, you can fend off every attack by waving hello at 100% enthusiasm. But you saw The Karate Kid five years earlier, you knew that. What Mr. Miyagi never told Daniel-san is that you can also use these circles to destroy. McSweeney says “I believe that these two movements are the primary moves of karate, from these moves come all the strikes.“ Maybe that seems a little simplistic, but like all karate grifts this whole thing hinges on pretend math breathlessly rambled by a maniac twirling his arms in a middle school gymnasium. You see, a circle strike has more than triple the force of an uppercut because it’s more than double the speed. That’s karate math, junior! You bring your teacher out here and we’ll see how his algebra matches up with my geometry. CIRCLE! CIRCLE! CIRCLE!

Seanbaby: The only issue I have with this attack is the lack of mobility. You could really only use this to kill an elevator or defend your purse in a nightclub. Unless… yes. Yes. Hold on, let me draw up my plans for a combat platform.

Brockway: We’ll probably have to pull this for liability purposes. If you’re reading this and there’s just a gif of Steven Seagal solemnly accepting melons up there, it’s because some sick son of a bitch used this idea to murder a mall. 

Grandmaster McSweeney tells us a story about a woman with a black belt in karate who was mugged and raped, and the 1980s wondered “why did that happen? She knew karate!” The world was so close to realizing the truth about karate, but no. McSweeney knows that the lady just froze, and that’s the fault of sport karate. Bullshit sport karate. His worst enemy! With its sparring and its trophies. This is street karate, dirty street karate – out here “sparring” is the sound a man makes when you rip out his throat and your trophy is his ripped out throat. That idiot woman with her vanity karate was missing two things: spontaneous reaction, and knockout power! 

Which, again, looks like your dad losing his temper with a non-starting lawn mower.

Brockway: Right about here is where you picture police officers doing this to cartel assassins.

Seanbaby: “I thought you were going to teach me how to fight! I haven’t learned a thing,” complained the karate student. 

“Show me air guitar,” replied the wise master.

“W-what?” said the karate student, still somehow not seeing where this is going.

“Show me. Air the guitar,” the wise master repeated.

The student reluctantly obeyed, knocking the head off one man and ripping the penis off another. When their bodies were found, the lead investigator said, “Cause of death: rock and roll. We can’t make an arrest for this. We can’t do shit about this.” And it was then the karate student understood he had learned much.

Brockway: The destructive potential is limitless. Grandmaster McSweeney says if you hit a man in the eye socket with that windmill it bounces his eyeball off his brain. That’s an instant knockout! Sport karate won’t teach you how to dribble a man’s eyeball! You want a special achievement patch in McSweeney’s class, it’s called eyeball juice on your tucked-in polo. 

Brockway: What about high kicks? I’m glad you asked: Fuck you. Can you kick a man if you’re both trapped in a phone booth? No? It’s useless, then. Shutup and learn to circle or get groped to death by marauding reeferheads, you sportsman.

Seanbaby: Kicks are the ballerina’s air guitar. The aspiring sommelier’s eye socket chop. Anyone who tells you there’s a fighting style more powerful than fast pitch softball is trying to sell you nunchucks.

Brockway: Really, this is all you need to know. You can windmill any man into easily disposable pieces. If you hit him in the chin with that, it will break his neck. The nose? Right into his brain. Anywhere you strike on a face will explode it, human beings are grenades and Grandmaster John McSweeney is going to teach you where the pins are.

Seanbaby: Most cowards don’t know this, but the human hand is a wrecking ball of unbreakable bones and the human head is a cream puff baked around soft teeth. If you’re doing it right, a fight should look like a child falling down a ferris wheel. It should look like a chimpanzee not comprehending a shirt. It should look like Def Leppard’s drummer saying good night to an above average crowd.

Brockway: Just in case you meet a man with an unexplodable head, some kind of junkie reverse-Robocop immune to skull shatters, you can use a flying knee. Now, a fool will go for the genitals. A street karatist will destroy the pubic bone. “It’ll break just like an eggshell!” McSweeney crows. You know, those fragile load-bearing human bones. 

Don’t worry if you miss, you’ll hit the bladder … … … rupturing the bladder! 

You can miss completely but so long as you full-circle, the consolation prize is your foe in a colostomy bag. After all, a bladder’s just a meat balloon filled with your favorite trophy: the urine of your enemies.

Brockway: Every strike is like this – every single little movement collapses a head, bounces an eyeball, breaks a pubis, it turns out that this whole time undisciplined playground flailing was the secret to dismantling a human like a Costco chicken.

Seanbaby: Does that say “KEY TARGETS: PUBIC BONE”? That means Grandmaster McSweeney was so focused on his karate he forgot to change the default title settings on his camcorder. 

Brockway: I’m glad you brought up the Key Targets in Grandmaster McSweeney’s Terminator-vision. See, the human body is almost entirely unstable joints ready to be twirled apart. But if you’re a woman, and therefore unable to windmill at the proper speeds to scatter a man, what do you do? You eye gouge. Make no mistake – it’s for the feeble and cowardly. Which all females are, so gouge away ladies. 

Women, you’ve been here: you’re out running when suddenly it’s a jog-by molesting. 

Seanbaby: This lady has a decent double eye socket strike, but she can’t sell a rock bottom for shit.

Brockway: This seems like one of those invented scenarios I go to mock, thinking it’s the fearmongering of an insecure brain, only to have 18 women come forward and explain this happens so often they weave needles into their sports bras. Let’s focus instead on McSweeney’s karate math: “A ¼ inch push to the eyeball is all it takes to trigger a catatonic fit! They’ll drop to the ground instantly.” Every martial arts lunatic spouts these numbers as proof, as though they are relentlessly testing eyeball gouges on captive rapists in karate labs.

Already you’re a justice propeller spinning your way through evil, the only downside to encountering a drug-user now is how hard they are to wash out of your boots. What you’re worried about now, 15 minutes into this video, is: Am I going to get in trouble for blowing a man apart like he was made of Legos? I’m glad you asked: No! Not if you do your Irish Manslaughter Calculus: It’s all about assessing the threat posed to you, and matching that number up to its partner on a handy graph of destroyed body parts. For example: If a man gets you in a bear hug, he could break your spine in a second, so you are justified in collapsing his eyeballs but not murdering him, unless he’s fifty or more pounds heavier than you. This is what you really need to practice, the death blows are easy. The legal murder math is pretty tough.

Seanbaby: If your plan is to fight off your attacker with a dance routine, I’d say you can go ahead and not worry about what happens if you win the fight too illegally hard. This is like rehearsing your Grammy speech when you’re Corey Feldman. It is like ordering 40 lb. dumbbells when you’re Corey Feldman. It’s like planning to eat your unlabeled yogurt when you’re in a sex cult with Corey Feldman.

Brockway: Somehow we’re not done exploring eyeball destruction. “Two fingers, four fingers, you can use one finger!” McSweeney proudly shouts. Any number of fingers is enough to kill a man, it’s crazy we even invented knives when every human being has ten on them at all times. But I know what you’re saying, and so does McSweeney: “It’s very hard to hit the eye, because people will close them.” Cowards! What do you do then? Leave the area? Develop a passion for knitting? Start some kind of knitting club? No! Just use-

Brockway: It’s a little known fact that tigers are nature’s answer to the intact eyeball. The Tiger’s Claw is not a death touch, and therefore we don’t respect it, but it is great for blinding an opponent. Which is what women do when menstrual anemia prevents them from windmilling. Of course this is also a circular strike. Only an idiot would scratch down – you’ll get trapped in the eyebrows! Nature’s tiger pit. What if they’re wearing glasses? As karate science shows 90% of rapists are? The circle will knock the glasses off at the start, and then continue through to gouge! Is there anything a circle can’t do? Yes: Unrupture a molestor’s eyeball.

Seanbaby: This motherfucker created a move that waves goodbye to your face as it removes your face and he calls it a “MINOR STRIKE.” He is already crawl-stroking through your remains and he hasn’t even finished his opening combo.

Brockway: You’re right, we’re getting bogged down in blinding strikes for children and the terminally ill. We only know four surefire kill moves, that’s not enough. Let’s get back to the death touches. 

Brockway: See that little fragile bone at the end of your wrist, you know, the human wrist – the most durable and shock absorbing of all joints? That’s nature’s most powerful weapon. Hitting the base of a junkie’s skull with it pops him like a can of snakes.

Seanbaby: In volleyball, you call this attack a “serve.” You can also use it to tell your Nintendo controller it was wrong. The point is, casual athletes or the very cranky may already be a master of Leopard Palm.

Brockway: “The Chinese knew about the circle!” McSweeney yells to his traumatized son and cameraman. “Japanese? Korean? Linear stuff! Terrible stuff!” The circle has no weaknesses. Don’t worry if there’s not enough space for a full windmill – you can do it wide or short. Tuck your arm in like a T-rex and spin it, that’s a death blow. You only need 7 inches of arc to wristblast a speedhead straight to the devil. That’s karate science!

Seanbaby: “There were 152 inches between my forehead and his wrist, but that was 145 more inches than he needed.” – THE HEADSTONES OF MY ENEMIES

Brockway: This passes the McSweeney Test, you could use it to cave in a man’s memory box if you were both in a phone booth for non-erotic reasons. Like, say you dropped a quarter and it rolled into a phone booth, and you both went for it at the same time. What cop or wife would question that?

I know what you’re worried about, and so does McSweeney: “You wouldn’t think destroying the skull would give you a knockout, but it does!” Most people don’t think you’ll aim for their skull!” You laugh, but this is actually when we invented head punching, in 1988. Before that we just blasted the knees and every fight took sixteen hours. It’s why in those old home videos every man walked like they were riding an invisible horse. 

“Rocky Marciano used this strike,” McSweeney tells us for four straight minutes. You didn’t know Rocky studied leopard style huh? Guess what he used it for? To disrespect skulls. “Rocky cracked brains with his leopard style, that ain’t no sport karate!” is what the nursing home workers hear in the background as his weeping son makes the toughest call of his life.

Seanbaby: You act like he’s thought of everything, but let’s say I’m fighting an enemy without a head.

Brockway: I’m glad you asked: Yes, this can also be used to destroy a bladder.

Brockway: What good is it if you leave your attacker with an intact pissbag? You need to see that piss, that’s how you know you win.

Seanbaby: It’s suspicious that his assistant is acting like he was accidentally leopard pawed in the junk on many previous takes.

Brockway: Has this ever happened to you: you just took a parking space from a van, and now you also want to destroy its driver physically? You need Chop. 

Seanbaby: Fuck. Fuck!

Brockway: The only problem with the classic karate chop – another instant kill move – is that chumps and sport karatists aim it all wrong. They chop at their attacker’s hair, their cars, nearby dogs. It’s like a gun, you gotta aim it at the thing you want to die! And of course, you need the circle if you want to develop enough power to separate a man from the rest of himself. 

Brockway: Next you’ll learn the Brainstem Chop. It’s a chop…

To the brainstem.

Simply chop through their neck, straight to the brainstem. It’s that easy! “It’s in all three brains,” McSweeney says, madly. “It controls heart rate, blood pressure, breathing – you hit that with a chop, a nice big circle! He ain’t gettin’ up!”

“Circle a man’s brainstem, all three brains, no breath!” Grandmaster John McSweeney screeches, losing total control of his arms, wondering why his class is taking notes on this aneurysm.

Seanbaby: This seems stupid, but Grandmaster McSweeney is undefeated in over 300 imaginary neck battles, with only seven losses by way of bookshelf or lamp.

Brockway: I mean, yeah. There’s a reason this video is filmed in an empty warehouse. Pick any part of this and it’s like watching a guy lose a fight to imaginary birds in a 7-11 parking lot. 

Let’s learn about the upswing. It looks like a dyslexic punch but this, like every blow, murders a man.

Brockway: “The full 360, that’s where power comes from!” McSweeney says, fighting ghosts only he remembers. What, you can only make 295 degrees? Say hello to your mother in hell, because your father also couldn’t circle hard enough to save the ones he loved. And she was a filthy papist.

Seanbaby: This is how a four-year-old fucks up throwing a frisbee. This is the sign language word for “Philadelphia Eagles fan.”

Brockway: Here’s the trick to the Upswing: Like with all great strikes, you can’t get this even slightly wrong or you’ll break every bone in your hand. If you hit flat, you’re done for. You can only strike with your totally isolated middle knuckle, which is invincible, and will instantly split a jawbone. Frankly it’s insane that God designed every inch of man so poorly, but we’re not here to question His way, only to de-joint His creations.

Seanbaby: I’m glad you said it because in my notes I put “with every twirl of his mighty arm, Grandmaster McSweeney proves God to be a fool.”

Brockway: For all its blasphemy, the Upswing is actually really easy to execute. Just think of it like a weaponized Three Stooges, and obviously you want to also destroy the bladder. Always destroy the bladder.

Seanbaby: I honestly think this man got trapped in a dryer when he was a child and it’s still the only thing he sees when he closes his eyes.

Brockway: Next it’s the Eagle’s Claw, which employs devastating crushing strength using only two fingers. Not the whole hand, you dolt, you sportmonkey, you 180 degree son of a bitch. The best destructive power comes from battle pinching. 

Brockway: Now, you are going to have to train every day of your life, several hours a day in pinching for this to be effective.

Seanbaby: There is nothing better than this video.

Seanbaby: McSweeney Total Self Defense Fitness Tip: You can train for this with two upside down cows or two right side up hunks.

Brockway: God, what a training montage.

You already knew this, but let’s establish our key targets for pinching a man into a coma. 

Seanbaby: I already know. The blad–

Brockway: This is not a bladder strike! It’s only for destroying balls. Well, I guess also-

Brockway: Man, McSweeney Jr. is so unhappy to be playing karate Shutter Island for his demented father. 

Seanbaby: Grabbing nuts and choking necks are pretty natural instincts. I feel like the only reason you’d train for them specifically would be if you were trying to get a karate orgy going. There are only two levels of testicle pinching expertise: regular and ejaculating.

Brockway: Can a throat ejaculate? I retract my question. It will be answered shortly by McSweeney himself. The Eagle’s Claw is, of course, a lethal strike. Now that you’ve learned to pinch a windpipe, it’s a simple matter of taking it home with you. As Grandmaster John McSweeney explains using his PhD in Karate Biology: “You don’t have to be an expert to know that a man needs his windpipe to live!”

Brockway: The side fist, or heartstop punch! POWER STRIKE. That’s just a name, it doesn’t actually stop your heart. It explodes it. Grandmaster McSweeney calls it “a death shot.” Now, this may look like first round handshake trials at Boston Dynamics, but if you simply don’t turn your wrist when striking, you can punch a man through time. He’ll meet Thomas Jefferson and he’ll tell him “dying gurgle.” It’s what inspires the Declaration of Independence – you owe it to America to stop turning your wrist like a nancy sport karatist. Children might mock this, they might call you the choo choo man – but if you use it to punch their daddy you can watch them fade from the timeline without risking an awkward confrontation with mall security.

Seanbaby: I just told my phone, “Siri, set a reminder every 15 seconds for the rest of my life: SIDE-FIST (HEART STOP) (POWER STRIKE).”

Brockway: You want to explode the sternum – it’s easy, god rigged that sucker to fly apart on impact like a popsicle frisbee –  allowing you to punch unfettered at the heart itself. You don’t even need a lot of lead up. It’s like Grandmaster McSweeney told your mother, “I only need six inches to take your heart!” …before caving in your father’s chest and laughing as you Marty McFly’ed out of her memories.

Seanbaby: This punch doesn’t have its own circle, so you need to twirl your penis as you attack. I normally would have taken the time to construct a real joke, but I am way too busy practicing these moves. Forehead slap. Chest jostle. Bladder jab. I fucking dare anyone to be behind me with a skull, in front of me with a groin, or to the side of me with an unstopped heart.

Brockway: Oh we definitely need to string these death blows into a combo. McSweeney is way ahead of you. Let’s say you’re in a bar and you’re attacked by a mustache. Now, we’ve established that a coward or woman (same thing) gouges, and a sport dope punches, but a true karate master circle slaps until he sees the obituary.

Brockway: That man died three times. After that series of flailing wild slaps, his entire head exploded in piss. 7 inches of arc is all you need to knock out a man with a circle! Six inches, four times the power. 360 degrees! It’s the circle! CIRCLE! It’s the Chinese Circle, get off me – I don’t wanna go back to the home, they don’t have enough blankets and I hate the pudding selection. EAT CIRCLE!

Seanbaby: “I know this guy. Willie Fragile, local pussy. By the look of things, he must have really pissed off his 70 pound wife,” said the crime scene investigator.

Brockway: But what if you’re weak and feeble? If you’re crippled and facing a gang? Those, and only those, are scenarios appropriate for armed self defense. 

Seanbaby: Jesus fuck, there’s a part where we just shoot people? This is the milksop’s karate.

Brockway: Let’s be quick on this section. We don’t need to watch a guy named Grandmaster John play with pistols. If you want to watch a white guy with a weird fantasy title play with guns, just protest for civil rights in Mississippi. 

Brockway: Long story short: He thinks shooting with two hands is for chumps, and aiming is for sissies. What you want to do is wildly spin around with the gun in one hand at hip height, pointing it at things you wish were quieter. Also you want to start pulling the trigger while it’s still in the holster so you can be quicker off the draw. That doesn’t seem right to me based on everything everyone else has ever said about guns and the place where human beings keep their feet, but I’m also not interested in the right answer. The only worthwhile part of this section is Mirror Shooting Training, in which Grandmaster John McSweeney faces his greatest enemy. 

Seanbaby: This looks like a scene from You’re Not Man Enough to Stab Me, Charlie Brown.

Brockway: Hey, speaking of: There’s one main secret to deadly knife fighting, I bet you can’t guess what it is.

Seanbaby: This looks like a scene from You Wake Up Every Night Still Thinking You’re in Vietnam, Charlie Brown.

Brockway: Don’t want to kill a man with a blade? I’ll let Grandmaster McSweeney answer that one. “What are you gonna do, turn the other cheek? If you wanna turn the other cheek, you’ll die! ATTACK THE ATTACKER.” 

Brockway: Yeah, they redacted the part in the bible where Jesus Christ says that cheek bullshit and the original Grandmaster John circle-slaps his ass right into the Sea of Galilee. 

Seanbaby: This looks like a scene from You’re a Good Knife Lawyer, Charlie Brown, If You Or Someone You Know Wants to Turn a Legal Problem Into a Knife Problem Call 1-800-KNIIIIFE.

Brockway: We all know what you’re really here for. Total Self Defense… After Dark. You’ve learned how to completely destroy a man, now it’s time to learn how to completely destroy a woman.

Seanbaby: Gasp

Brockway: The voiceover for this is Grandmaster John McSweeney crooning “savage beauty. Look at that powerful body, strength, grace, magnificent form.” You know he’s not talking about the tiger, right? Look at that prowling predator dissolving into a high school gym teacher, naked save for karate panties, athletic socks, and loafers. The intent here is unmistakable. This is how you signal to a karate woman to put away her gougers, you’re here for a different kind of pubis destruction. 

Seanbaby: He’s got everything a woman could want. Hair like a forgotten peach. A tube-like structure. Most of his knee cartilage back in a Cambodian mine field. Three hundred and fucking sixty degrees of detonating thrust. Your panties aren’t sliding off, ladies, they are somewhere beyond the panty-shaped hole in the wall behind you.

Brockway: This can only be unisex wank material. See, back in the ‘80s you couldn’t just masturbate. You needed a system of deniability for being caught pantsless in the living room. This section is advertised as an exercise video, in the same way that a huge-tittied woman in spandex would winkingly explain the benefits of Jigglecize. Just try to keep it in your pants as Grandmaster John McSweeney air-climbs a giant woman only he can see. 

Seanbaby: This is majestic. I will never love again the way I love this self defense tape.

Brockway: “Tigers have developed the ultimate exercise system, far superior to man’s,” he tells us, sweatily dogpaddling through beige. “Tigers are strong, but they don’t work out. They don’t even jog! Yet they can tear the head off a man,” something we all want according to McSweeney. But how does that happen? The secret: Every adorable stretch is a workout! It’s basically just dynamic resistance while auditioning for Cats. But the key is to “think into the muscle you want to grow – think into it!” 

Maybe start by thinking into the shoulder first, because death-circling a gang of jogging tootheads intent on sexual mischief is hell on the rotator cuff.

Seanbaby: I agree with the “fuck it” of all of this. When your fighting style only works in your imagination, you might as well transform into a tiger. Frank Dux has got to be so embarrassed that when he made up Bloodsport he did so entirely in human form. Only McSweeney has the balls to claim, “Raaoohr, ignore the wet toddler body, you see before you a tiger.”

Brockway: He was born in the wrong time. Fifty years later and he’d be the undisputed king of a furry forum not well regarded in the community. 

We need the plausible deniability part of Tigercise. This isn’t just jack-off material, you tell your wife, at her wit’s end after the phone booth incident. Every other exercise man does completely destroys him. Calisthenics will cripple you, what human body can withstand aerobics? Jogging is the ultimate dim mak. But with Irish Kitty Yoga you can survive the brutal exercise gauntlet and finally reach your fitness goal which is, again, being able to tear the head off a man. 

Seanbaby: 1. THE MOIST HERNIA

2. THE DICK CHENEY STRIPPER

3. THE ELEVENTH STRONGEST BABY

4. THE SEX HAM

5. THE LUBRICATED UNCLE

6. THE MARGARINE KOBOLD

7. THE NIPPLED POTATO

Brockway: Ladies, gentlemen, newly awakened human tiger fetishists, I leave you with this. According to my karate science, which took the lives of 14 research muggers, it should be enough to finish.