Welcome, 🌭s, to your day of appreciation. We’re awesome. We know that. We know it so hard that we fuse together like the little machines in Zelda, but no amount of shaking will tear us apart.
But this isn’t about us. This is about you. Did you know you’re awesome? Because you are. We have proof!
First let’s check in on Sissyneck Corner, where there’s just something special about watching a Spokane sunset with an ice cold Snapple in the back of a Toyota 4Runner with no tailgate and maybe a problematic blanket bought from an unlicensed rug stand in a closed bank’s parking lot.
Sissyneck, the saying is “one man, one ham, one ticket” for a reason.
Sissyneck got a little too comfortable in the Hot Dog Sphere and paid the ultimate price, one we’ve all paid before: The disappointment of a respected librarian.
Sissyneck relates a little too hard to the singing gnome Brockway made up for a one-off joke, but we can’t choose the moments that define us, only how they define us.
Now let’s move on to the Comments, and learn a Nicolas Cage Fact:
It’s tricky getting little sunglasses on a cephalopod, but it probably only cost Nic Cage 2.8 million dollars to manage it.
You know that feeling like the whole world is wrong about something? Like that one time you were certain Teddie Fuxpin, the talking bear with his cock out, wasn’t a thing. But then everyone in group therapy started reminiscing about the specific grade of fur they used to make his wang feel so soft? Yeah, Matthew Harris has that.
Revelation Road director Gabriel Sabloff will not stop googling himself, and we don’t want him to. Never learn from this, Revelation Road director Gabriel Sabloff!
Now on to the Discord, where Orneryweevil very nearly realizes the inherent problems in unchecked capitalism, only to swerve at the last minute into some kind of e-jam business.
Mo brought us all MONSTER WARS WEEK, and for that we’ll be eternally grateful. But after reading this sentence-
We do consider the karmic debt paid. We’re even here, Mo.
Last month we would’ve said, with total authority, that there’s no such thing as an uncool monster truck. Predator from MONSTER WARS and this truck Delta Foxtrot found teamed up to prove us wrong.
Thrillho is a little too excited about the new Design Your Own Dick Fighter contest in the Discord. Dick Fight judges do take points off for premature enthusiasm like this.
Prolific Hot Dog artist Brett Ellefson went insane in a perfect way. He caught the brain disease that makes you design cover art for Hot Dog podcasts in the style of Penetrator novels, and there is no cure. RIP Brett Ellefson, he died how he lived: Penetrating.
Obviously nobody put more effort into Hot Dogging this month than Brett Ellefson! So congratulations, Mo, you’re the winner! It simply does not matter how talented, dedicated, or special you are: Nothing beats MONSTER WARS.
You are the new protector of our most precious artifact, that painting of Grace Jones where she looks like a sexual Raiden. Our last winner, Revelation Road director Gabriel Sabloff, surely took good care of her-
God damn it, Revelation Road director Gabriel Sabloff! You have disgraced… you… ruined… actually, we’re coming around to it? No, this rules. Turns out Grace can rock anything a Sorbo can’t. She deserves to stay with you, Revelation Road director Gabriel Sabloff, just like this post deserves to stay at the top of your google results. And hopefully it will, if we just keep typing the words “Revelation Road director Gabriel Sabloff.”
You folks are, as always, the best. And if anyone ever questions that, you call us. We’ll slap on Teddy Fuxpin’s Big Bear Battle Armor with Real Thrusting Action. You know, the one with the recalled codpiece that led to those child maimings? They talked about it in that episode of 60 Minutes “The Little Stuffed Dick That Blinded a Generation.”
Revelation Road director Gabriel Sabloff!