Category: Hot Dog Appreciation Day
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Just like we do every year, 1-900-HOTDOG is taking the very best articles by the very best people and making them free. Just like every year, this is our holiday gift to you and the world. And just like every year, you and the world got us jack fucking shit. So make it up to us by spreading some of these free articles around, or sharing the entire free category of the site to your friends, family, and enemies you still kind of want to bang.
Teamworking Days are the most special of all hot dog days. Once a month, we join forces like a meat-based Voltron to make fun of something too mad to safely mock alone. Mockery works on the buddy system. This year we opened Teamworking up to exciting new combinations. No longer are we limited to Brockbaby. Now there’s Baby K, Buggneck, and even Sissynard! Collect them all, make them breed, become a god.
Detective Extralarge đźŚ
Seanbaby and Merritt K introduce you to Italy’s hugest detective: Extralarge. Detective Extralarge is a sexual powerhouse who solves every case with trundling and bonks. He’s kind of a horizontal Jack Reacher, A bounce-house Sonny Crockett. Like if all the human mass of The Rockford Files was just one guy. And his theme song will kill you.
What’s sexier than ventriloquism puppets? Don’t answer that. Unless your answer was their ventriloquists, which is wrong anyway. Seanbaby put together the hottest dating game in town, and Brockway adamantly refuses to play it. It’s simple self preservation. It won’t work.
Man After Man đźŚ
You know what they say: The best revenge is article-based. In a misplaced act of vengeance for Seanbaby’s Ventriloquist Dream Date, Brockway put together the hottest dating game of the future with Man After Man. And Seanbaby plays the hell out of it. He’s all in on the branching evolution of these future hunks! Onward, to a time when man has become nothing but buns!
ASMRchurch Part 1 🌠& Part 2 đźŚ
Dennard and Merritt K join forces to discuss ASMRchurch. The title is pretty self-explanatory, it’s your basic whisper church for AI anime perverts. Hey, the bible never said anything about anime sluts, crappy AI art, or sexy whispered sermons. It would, if they wrote it today. It would absolutely forbid all of those things.
Astaria Films đźŚ
Brockway brought Seanbaby a perfectly lovely gift: A sadsack goth incel on a musical journey through the Egyptian afterlife with graphics rendered on a broken Speak & Spell. Seanbaby brought Brockway a gift in return: it’s an assbeating. Long overdue.
Just like we do every year, 1-900-HOTDOG is taking the very best articles by the very best people and making them free. Just like every year, this is our holiday gift to you and the world. And just like every year, you and the world got us jack fucking shit. So make it up to us by spreading some of these free articles around, or sharing the entire free category of the site to your friends, family, and enemies you still kind of want to bang.
It takes a certain team to run a successful business. You need a leader, designer, a marketer, and a wild card to shake things up. 1-900-HOTDOG is a business full of wild cards. And Michael Swaim is our wild card. Here’s the kind of guy Swaim is: “We cover cursed media” we once told him. To which he said “oh, like hardcore pornographic Peanuts comics?” And we said “no, not like that at all.” And he said “Here’s Part One.” And we said “….part one?!”
The Japanese Pornographer who Invented ASMR and One Other Simpsons Thing đźŚ
Swaim might be the world’s leading Simpsons scholar. He’s so good Cracked even hired him back to briefly dabble in making original content again. He spent weeks crafting them a two hour long, exhaustively researched documentary about Groundskeeper Willie. They fired him and went back to AI slop. Their loss is our gain: Now they’re missing out on all this sweet Japanese ASMR porno traffic.
Baby Got Book đźŚ
We’ve actually covered “Baby Got Book” on the site already. We told Swaim that. He told us to shut the fuck up and hold this. “This” turned out to be a bundle of lit dynamite. Which turned out to really be a bunch of hot dogs with fuses in them. By the time we put it all together, he’d already submitted this article about a bible-themed Sir-Mix-A-Lot parody and disappeared.
The Magic of the Golden Bear đźŚ
This movie features Mr. T, Cheech Marin, a magic bear, exploding fake Indians, and dirty, dirty feet. Somehow it’s not good? It sounds incredible. Maybe it’s the order of the descriptors. This movie features exploding fake Indians, Cheech Marin, a magic bear, Mr. T, and dirty, dirty feet. No, that still sounds like it kicks ass. Wait, the punctuation is the problem: This movie features Mr. T exploding fake indians, a magic bear, and Cheech Marin dirty dirty feet. There, that gets the vibe across better.
The 1994 Burt Reynolds Sitcom đźŚ
In 1994, Burt Reynolds starred in a sitcom called Evening Shade that decided to tackle trans issues with a Very Important Episode. We’ll repeat the important parts again: Burt Reynolds. 1994. Trans issues. You already know the disaster this should have been. The rue miracle is that it’s not.
Walnuts Part 1 🌠& Part 2 đźŚ
This is the one we warned you about. The hardcore porno Peanuts comic. Both parts of it. We made them free. As in, no longer locked behind a paywall. We put it on our best of the year list, the only marketing we do, and encouraged you to share it. Then we did the same for Part 2. We don’t love you.
Just like we do every year, 1-900-HOTDOG is taking the very best articles by the very best people and making them free. Just like every year, this is our holiday gift to you and the world. And just like every year, you and the world got us jack fucking shit. So make it up to us by spreading some of these free articles around, or sharing the entire free category of the site to your friends, family, and enemies you still kind of want to bang.
Mike Drucker is a published author, comedian, and prolific TV writer. He also writes for 1-900-HOTDOG. He’s slumming it, is what we’re saying here. He doesn’t need this job, and that means something crazy: He’s writing about old broken cash-grab video games and nightmarish made-for-TV specials purely out of passion. He might be the most dangerous maniac we employ.
1990 Kenner Toy Fair Catalogue đźŚ
Mike is the kind of guy to go to an antique book fair and drop $100 on a toy catalogue. Those things they gave out for free. That they sometimes paid you to take, and now make up 30% of all landfills. He paid 100 bills for that. And then he wrote about it for us so he could write it off on his taxes. He’s a fucking genius.
Will Vinton’s A Claymation Christmas Celebration đźŚ
You know Will Vinton’s work. He’s the California Raisins guy! You remember the racially problematic dancing claymation raisins. That’s him. The perfect guy to explain what’s special about Christmas. Stay for the erotic walrus ballet, you’ll thank us later. Well, you’ll do something to us later.
Street Fighter 2 for the ZX Spectrum đźŚ
Come experience Street Fighter the way it was meant to be played: With one button, two colors, and on a cassette tape.
Ranking Every Song on the Mortal Kombat Album Other Than Techno Syndrome đźŚ
“Techno Syndrome” unfairly overshadows every other song on the Mortal Kombat album. What the hell is “Techno Syndrome,” you ask? It’s that techno song where a guy yells “Mortal Kombat!” There was a Mortal Kombat album, you ask? Yes! Was it good, you ask? You ask a lot of fucking questions.
Mega Man for DOS đźŚ
Mike Drucker grew up exclusively on broken video games for consoles that barely existed. Sure, he loves Mario. Oh, on the Nintendo? No. He only played the ports for the Zubaz GleeVision 4x. Yeah, the pants company. They weren’t originally in pants. It’s complicated. Just like getting Mega Man to run on DOS.