Category: Hot Dog Appreciation Day

Categories
Hot Dog Appreciation Day

Best Hot Dogs of 2025 – Alex Schmidt 🌭

Just like we do every year, 1-900-HOTDOG is taking the very best articles by the very best people and making them free. Just like every year, this is our holiday gift to you and the world. And just like every year, you and the world got us jack fucking shit. So make it up to us by spreading some of these free articles around, or sharing the entire free category of the site to your friends, family, and enemies you still kind of want to bang.

Alex Schmidt is easily our kindest hot dog, and so it has been our mission to break him since day one. We threw everything we had at Schmidty – soulless sports lotteries, new age slop, the novelization of a movie based on an emoji that doesn’t exist! We’ve hurled Brosnan after Brosnan after Brosnan at Schmidty, and he greets every single one with gentle eye contact and a firm handshake. The rotten motherfucker.

The NHL Draft Lottery 🌭

In theory, the annual NHL Draft Lottery should be an exciting event. High stakes, sports, gambling, little balls with numbers on them – it would take a miracle to make that the most boring, lifeless slog you’ve ever seen. Ladies and gentlemen, may we present your miracle.

The Seeders 🌭

Do you know your blood type? You should. Not for emergencies or anything, but because if you have the right kind of blood you might be descended from handsome aliens, overdue to have your world rocked by psychic orgasms. Yes, that mystical blood is your ticket to a powerful sexual wonderland. Let’s not talk about the wrong kinds of blood.

CERN Satan’s Playground 🌭

Physics! Conspiracies! The devil! Soup! Truly, this article has it all. You will ask for less.

Rave MacBeth 🌭

The movie is actually called Rave MacBeth. It seems like something we’d say to make fun of Strange Days. No, this is a rave-based retelling of MacBeth. Starring Lex Luthor. Not that one. No, not that one either. But Pierce Brosnan shows up! In the article. As a reference. Schmidty makes a Pierce Brosnan reference. No, Pierce Brosnan wouldn’t be in something called Rave MacBeth. Don’t be stupid.

Emoji Movie Book of the Film 🌭

We, as a culture, are all responsible for The Emoji Movie. It’s exactly what it sounds like, a full-length, big budget Hollywood film about emojis. We cast Patrick Stewart as a pile of shit. Our sins were already unforgivable. And then we turned it into a book. If you’re going to hell anyway, you may as well make an entrance.

Categories
Hot Dog Appreciation Day

Best Hot Dogs of 2025 – Sissyneck🌭

Just like we do every year, 1-900-HOTDOG is taking the very best articles by the very best people and making them free. Just like every year, this is our holiday gift to you and the world. And just like every year, you and the world got us jack fucking shit. So make it up to us by spreading some of these free articles around, or sharing the entire free category of the site to your friends, family, and enemies you still kind of want to bang.

Sissyneck just showed up in our comments one day, doing a fully-realized bit* about a well-meaning rural dolt who loves his family, hates grammar, and love/hates his local gas station’s warm food selection. Obviously we gave him a job. We’d be fools not to. Jason Pargin put it best when he said “if this was the internet of fifteen years ago, Sissyneck would have been a household name.”

*We say bit, but we have absolutely no proof any of it isn’t true.

You Are All Sanpaku 🌭

Look up. Now look down. Congratulations, you are Sanpaku. The universe has marked you for death, and your entire life will be plagued by accidents, tragedies, and illness. You sucker. You absolute chump. Real winners only look straight ahead.

Upworld 🌭

Claudia Christian is a beloved, foundational part of 1-900-HOTDOG. Arena, The Hidden, Think Big. She’s responsible for some of the greatest art human beings have ever created. And also Upworld. Read about this horny puppet movie with Anthony Michael Hall and decide if you forgive her.

Getting Even! 🌭

Getting Even! is a book of revenge for merry pranksters who haven’t been officially diagnosed as psychopaths yet. Follow the simple steps in Getting Even! And we promise you, you will get the help you need. Does not come with whistle.

Gladiators of Graceland 🌭

Did you know Elvis did karate? You’re only sort of correct! He did a delusional style of pretend karate taught to him by several maniacs, one of whom was secretly banging his wife. This article is not called The Sensei Who Cucked Elvis, because that is the title of the screenplay we just registered with the copyright office and we will sue you into the dirt if you try to take it.

Intimate Sex Lives of Famous People 🌭

It’s the holiday season, and that means it’s time to put everything else aside and focus on family. But you’ve got a problem: The horse-drawn carriage is booked, some asshole already decked every single hall, and none of you can ice skate thanks to a dominant weak ankle gene. Have you tried writing a sex book together? With your family? Maybe it could be celebrity based. Whatever: The important part is you talk about genitals. And putting them places. With your family.

Categories
Hot Dog Appreciation Day

Best Hot Dogs of 2025 – Seanbaby 🌭

Just like we do every year, 1-900-HOTDOG is taking the very best articles by the very best people and making them free. Just like every year, this is our holiday gift to you and the world. And just like every year, you and the world got us jack fucking shit. So make it up to us by spreading some of these free articles around, or sharing the entire free category of the site to your friends, family, and enemies you still kind of want to bang.

Seanbaby remains the king of insane media, and if anyone dethrones him they’ll find they’ve sprouted a hot pink mohawk and instantly know Muay Thai. He’s more of a curse than a man. Without him, 1-900-HOTDOG wouldn’t have elaborately photoshopped comics, 1001 books of violent banality, and the world’s best Dennis Miller impression. We say this every year, but this year Seanbaby went crazier than usual. Somebody should check on him. Somebody who looks good in a mohawk, just in case.

Man Comics Present Whoops Nebraska 🌭

Man Comics brings you the adventures of Whoops, Nebraska: The clumsiest buckaroo to ever pratfall down the hills of Montana. Nebraska’s just his name.

Turbo Teen Writer Arcade Strategy Guide 🌭

Turbo Teen is the craziest thing to come out of the 1980s children’s entertainment industry, and Marc Summers has eaten six children. A lesser comedy site would simply make jokes about the teen who turns into a car whenever he touches a burrito. Seanbaby wrote a strategy guide for the show. Well, for the arcade game of the show. Well, for the arcade game where you play a writer for the show. Look, it makes more sense if you read it. We’re sorry we lied to you, just now. It will happen again.

Talking Dennis Miller’s Book of The Worst 8 Jimmy Toys 🌭

A lesser comedy site would simply write about how much Dennis Miller sucks, and call it a day. He sucks in more ways then there are combinations of words. That’s not what Seanbaby did: He invented a talking book narrated by Dennis Miller and had it review a collection of Jimmy toys, but really it’s a ghost story. Look, it makes more sense if you read it. We told you we’d lie to you again.

Miss Castaway 🌭

Miss Castaway is a sort-of Castaway parody by a guy who normally does Eric Roberts dog movies. It also stars a robot, bikini babes, and the real Michael Jackson as a mystical sky projection. Somehow it’s not good? The tone of Seanbaby’s article implies it’s not good. But he’s been wrong before.

Dogfight Wild Tournament Part 1 🌭 & Part 2 🌭

It’s impossible, but the Spanish Joe Rogan is more Joe Rogan than the real Joe Rogan. The real Joe Rogan never hosted a fighting tournament full of war crimes where amateurs fight pros, tiny men fight huge men, and huge men fall in love with other huge men. In Part 2, the huge men simply fall in love again. Why fix what’s not broken?

Categories
Hot Dog Appreciation Day

Best Hot Dogs of 2025 – Brockway 🌭

Just like we do every year, 1-900-HOTDOG is taking the very best articles by the very best people and making them free. Just like every year, this is our holiday gift to you and the world. And just like every year, you and the world got us jack fucking shit. So make it up to us by spreading some of these free articles around, or sharing the entire free category of the site to your friends, family, and enemies you still kind of want to bang.

Brockway decided to focus on longform Hot Dog journalism this year, and spent most of his time digging through the garbage of obscure fanfiction writers and aspiring animators to prove what lunatics they were. Yet somehow when they caught him in their backyards, pinned in the beam of a flashlight, his beard full of trash like a hungry raccoon, they insisted he was the actual lunatic. The fucking gall.

Street Fighter: Dream Never Ends, Part 1 🌭 & Part 2 🌭 & Part 3 🌭

Talyn Rahman-Figueroa makes her living grifting aspiring diplomats on social media, but her true passion is and will always be inserting herself into Street Fighter* fanfiction about fucking**. Her other, even more true passion is defrauding Capcom to make it seem official.
*There will be no Street Fighting.

**There will also be no fucking.

Miami Spice 🌭

An anti-drug sock puppet musical parody of Miami Vice starring Curt-Hiss the Beatboxing Snake. Well, we say “starring,” but the only real star here is Mr. Crack.

CyberKnight and the Hand Puppet Commandos Part 1 🌭 & Part 2 🌭

In CyberKnight and the Hand Puppet Commandos Part 1, you’ll laugh at the flailing creative efforts of a horny old racist puppet weirdo. In CyberKnight and the Hand Puppet Commandos Part 2, you’ll learn about a real life hand-grenade based karate death cult and their explosive decapitations. It’s a ride.

The Heartbreak of Krull 🌭

Krull is a movie about many things: Oppression, rebellion, cyclopses, krulls. But mostly, it’s a story about love. And the sweet fucking flamethrower love gives you.

Rockafire Explosion Band 🌭

Hey you remember the animatronic Chuck E. Cheese band, right? Those forever-broken animal robots that wished you a musical happy birthday before shorting out half the arcade? They were the direct inspiration for Five Nights at Freddy’s. You knew that. Maybe you didn’t know their creator went insane trying to invent a new kind of energy and blew up a chunk of Florida with a homemade bomb. But you’ll know that after reading this, so it’s cool.

Categories
Hot Dog Appreciation Day

Best Hot Dogs of 2025 – Merritt K 🌭

Just like we do every year, 1-900-HOTDOG is taking the very best articles by the very best people and making them free. Just like every year, this is our holiday gift to you and the world. And just like every year, you and the world got us jack fucking shit. So make it up to us by spreading some of these free articles around, or sharing the entire free category of the site to your friends, family, and enemies you still kind of want to bang.

Merritt K is the only Hot Dogger in legitimate competition with Seanbaby for Most Cursed Library. She seems to have a terrible portal into a universe full of maniacs, from which she’s able to pluck absurd media you swear doesn’t exist, even as it’s right in front of you. She calls this terrible portal into the maniac’s universe: “Canada.”

Zolar: The Roleplaying Game 🌭

It’s Zolar! Beloved Zolar, who you definitely know. There’s no reason to recap the Canadian made-for-TV movie about that infuriating blue alien, Zolar, whom everybody knows and loves. Let’s jump right into making it a role-playing game about the many failures of Zolar! Beloved, infuriating, shitty Zolar!

White Cobra Diamond Fox vs The Golden Eye 🌭

White Cobra Diamond Fox vs The Golden Eye is about fuck off, we don’t even have a guess. There are fat asses and snake demons, cheap CGI lightning bolts and lovely hairless mystery wizards. If you can explain what White Cobra Diamond Fox vs The Golden Eye is about, please do so in the comments and leave your full name and address so we can get you the help you need.

Quantum Language (of law) 🌭

Under arrest? Smug court-appointed attorney telling you anyone who represents themselves has a fool for a client? Already took a swing at the judge in the parking lot and feeling doomed? Good news! Simply employ the mysterious legal art of Quantum Grammar to (), :, and – your way to freedom!

Cosmo Meets the Foreskin Justice League 🌭

If you’ve been driven insane by a septic infection from a botched childhood circumcision, there’s only two ways for you to find justice: Taking a shit on the hospital admissions desk, or inventing a team of foreskin-based superheroes and writing a comic book about their adventures. You know, there’s a certain quiet dignity to shitting on a hospital desk.

Peachtree Carinivore for Merritt 🌭

This one’s about meat and fucking.

 

Categories
Hot Dog Appreciation Day

Best Hot Dogs of 2025 – Dennard Dayle 🌭

Just like we do every year, 1-900-HOTDOG is taking the very best articles by the very best people and making them free. Just like every year, this is our holiday gift to you and the world. And just like every year, you and the world got us jack fucking shit. So make it up to us by spreading some of these free articles around, or sharing the entire free category of the site to your friends, family, and enemies you still kind of want to bang.

Dennard Dayle is the brains of 1-900-HOTDOG. He’s also the face of 1-900-HOTDOG. He’s also the athletic one, the cultured one, and the rogueish one. Dennard Dayle is a greedy piece of shit, basically. If he had any sense of humility he’d at least scar his handsome face so the rest of us have a shot at Top Hot Dog Hunk.

Flat Earth University 🌭

Come learn all the science behind the Flat Earth Theory at Flat Earth University! Here’s the science: The ground don’t feel round. Now to spend the rest of your Flat Earth tuition getting ripped as shit so you can beat up all the nerds about to shatter your worldview.

Sperm Races 🌭 & Sperm Races Revisited 🌭

It’s a sperm racing game show. Where actual people actually race their actual sperm for actual sperm racing prizes. And yet somehow, nobody thought to put a single saddle on a single sperm. Most projects fail for their lack of coherent vision.

Virgin Island 🌭

Virgin Island is a reality show where virgins are brought to an island to- no, surely that’s not right. Let’s check the article again. Huh. Okay, they round up real virgins and bring them to an island to be dry-humped by a therapist- no, that part can’t be correct. Let’s check the article again. … We cannot legally continue describing Virgin Island.

Animal Kaiser 🌭

It’s Animal Kaiser! The shockingly expensive game of magical fighting animals, exploitative gacha mechanics, and gambling. We choose you, Leo! … fuck! We choose you again, Leo! …fuck! We choose-

A Rebel Born: The Screenplay 🌭 & A Rebel Born: Revisited 🌭

Dennard discovered an unworthy nemesis in Lochlainn Seabrook, and his tragic dream to get his special brand of incompetent racism on the big screen. This is why you only want dipshits for nemeses, it’s fun to win all the time. And if you want to continue believing that, don’t read Part 2.