Category: Hot Dog Appreciation Day

Christmas is over and all you got was socks and herpes, again. Not even an exciting new strain either! We understand. Nobody gets you like we do. That’s why we’re taking today to give you the greatest gift of all: A little recognition. Here are the grandest feats of Hot Doggery our readers pulled off this holiday season. Are you on here? You could be! Let’s cut right to Jeff Orasky in the comments to find out how:

One of the best and worst parts of our site are the secrets we unearth. So often there’s a crazy hidden backstory, an insane follow-up, an unfolding drama that elevates a lighthearted column making fun of Christian hacky-sackers into something special. It is not always a fun process, as Jim discovered when he dug into the seedy criminal underworld of Devil Sticking:

Greg also risked it all to uncover the secret of what’s in women’s handbags, as so many Improv comics of the ‘90s tried and failed to do before him:

While Danny DeAngelis braved certain death to suggest that Seanbaby shares certain common traits with a mystical karate Pied Piper:

jesse havlin informed us about the rich and storied world of Gor which, fun fact, stands for Gross Orifice Reaming:

And sissyneck gave us a little peek into his home life. Aw, little Trayton’s growing up! 

Djonin dared to name the unnameable:

You fool. You poor dead fool. To speak its name is to give it a key to your home that only opens one door. The back one.

Discord:

Bigfoot in a Clown Car knew that acronyms were in the air this Hot Dog Appreciation season. Every time you unreasonably insist that letters stand for something, Gary Busey grins. G.R.I.N.S. And that stands for Ghosts Rampage In Noggin SCREAM.

Every once in a while the Discord seizes on a concept and rides it off into the sunset like a sad Buckaroo who realized there ain’t noplace for him in Placid Gulch now that peace has been restored. And then that Buckaroo eats a Dude, Wrangler, or lesser Cowpoke to gain a stat bonus:

Sometimes the subject of sex surfaces in the Discord, looks around, realizes where it is, and then burrows away like a sultry mole:

RancorousC gives us the meta-matchup we all want to see:

And then we have the ballad of Jackson Galaxy, Cat Master:

Sometimes a Hot Dogger just has a season. Like Georgio “The Towel” Manifold did back when he played catchboy for the ‘97 Wagoneers. Or a real sports reference! This season was dominated by Wicked Sanguine, who even became a PhD² partway through.

Now we know why you can never portal-assassinate either a horse or Mads Mikkelson:

And exactly what to expect in Mormon Limbo:

Let us close with A Fucking Carol, that classic holiday tale where an old miser is visited by the ghosts of three increasingly furious Fuck Apes until he learns what was really important in life all along: Not being visited by Fuck Apes.

In the spirit of the season, we’d like to declare you all winners, but we can’t because the winner is Dr. W Sanguine, Double-Phud. Congratulations! For the next fortnight you are trusted with guardianship of the most valuable piece of artwork ever created. And then completely fucking ruined by our last winner, sissyneck.

In accordance with tradition, sissyneck will now be annihilated so hard that every person he has ever interacted with will cough up dust that tastes vaguely like sissyneck for weeks. 

You folks are, as always, the best. And if anyone ever questions that, you call us. We’ll travel back in time to bang their mothers so that we end up their fathers and we will give them such a talking to.

Greetings, Hot Doggers! It is time once again to honor your contributions to the art of Hot Doggery. You saw our site jam-packed with jokes — bursting with jokes, so stuffed with jokes it tried to slip one more joke in and wound up puking jokes all over the floor — and you said “hey, how about some more jokes?” 

You understand. 

You truly understand. 

This isn’t even about comedy anymore. It’s a crusade. Our mission is to flood this world with jokes until all those who’ve wronged us drown in hilarity. An Earth washed clean, so that it can be remade anew. Populated by our society: One that values belly laughs over bullets, guffaws over genocide, and fuck apes over fascism. 

You guys did get all that, right?

Onward, to Twitter!

A few weeks ago, Seanbaby broke physics and found the impossible: 1,001 Ways NOT to be Romantic, a book about Godek that was also worse than Godek. Seanbaby dedicated way more thought to making fun of it than its author put into making it, and then the real magic happened: 

Joe Dacey did some actual fucking journalism and discovered that Godek wrote the parody of himself! Our entire understanding of the world was suplexed right onto its damn head. Perhaps it was Murray who put it most succinctly in the comments:

At one point our Teamworking Day about Worldwatch devolved into Seanbaby and Brockway just textually snugglin’ and Cesar, like all of you, loved it:

While Swift Justice has some lessons on the complicated pathways of Australian grammar, or as linguists call it, the “Down South Mouth Route.”

Christopher Horne is rapidly disintegrating while trying to keep the memory of Pants Chapley alive and who? What were we talking about? Australia, right? Haha did you know they call trash cans “wheelie bins?” Precious.

Last week Lydia wrote about a book that advocated putting needles in your cat’s butthole, and The noticed that wasn’t even the worst thing about it:

While Mel Mudkiper adds a little whimsy to dog destruction.

Sissyneck is our favorite troll. He’s kind of a tell-all autobiography written by a Wal-Mart security guard slowly losing his mind to dementia, but he was really firing on all cylinders these last few weeks:

Over on the Discord, we were keeping things classy and philosophical with a discussion on eating MEat. 

And the merits of bringing 2D brawlers to life (in Russia, obviously):

Here Michael Korvac, Cosmic Asshole once again uses his powers for evil:

And this is your biweekly reminder to never underestimate our dedicated community of internet sleuths. Especially when it comes to fuckable pizza. (Please be forewarned, there is Fuckable Pizza ahead: do not read if you are easily fetished.)

And now, let us pontificate on the nature of sexy alien Jaxon Human, and his weird dickfighting game:

There is an important line between generations that cannot be overcome: There are the kids who found their porn in the woods, and there are the kids who safely used the internet like a bunch of pansies. Not Actually Mithras did actually solve this mystery:

Brockway bemoaned having the shittiest doppelganger, but JeremyCantrell and Bigfoot in a Clown Car made it all right again:

While the Hot Dog Tipline blew up with a Hot Tip about Cool Tips. That joke only works if you consider the foreskin to be the turtleneck sweater of the penis which, of course, you do:

There is no winner when we all work together like this to lift one other up. This is about community and cooperation, about putting the good of the many ahead of the good of the few. But also the winner is Sissyneck, for his white trash Welcome to Night Vale series told entirely through the least appreciated medium: Internet comments. Congratulations, Sissyneck! For the next two weeks, you will be the custodian of the most valuable piece of art known to man. Or at least it used to be before our last winner, Mel Mudkiper, “improved” it:

As with all of our previous winners, who also violated the Rollerskating BatPrince Terms of Custody, Mel Mudkiper will now be minced and have his remains fed to the Mouth at the End of Memory, so that whenever his loved ones think of him they will instead picture a skinless hippo orgy. 

You folks are, as always, the best. And if anybody ever questions that, you call us. We’ll jump in the original 1966 Batmobile and zip right over to THWOK! their COCK!

It’s time once again for some Hot Dog Appreciation, which sounds like a dick-gazing contest, and it is! But only metaphorically. On this day we honor you, the readers, and your hilarious contributions to this site dedicated to interdimensional psychic garbage. It sounds weird when we put it like that, but you’re the ones who pay money for it. Who’s the real weirdo here?

First up, an anonymous message:

So there you go: We could theoretically be cited in a court of law, therefore we must be cited in a court of law. You know what to do.

…

Elaborate hot dog themed crimes! Sorry, didn’t want to leave that one open for interpretation. 

And now, on to the comments:

Sissyneck does this strange bit in the comments section of every single one of our articles. It’s kind of about a boring everyman who doesn’t realize his life is actually madness. Like King of the Hill directed by David Lynch. He’s the most dedicated troll we have, and he is precious to us.

We’ve chosen this one to highlight simply because it’s his most approachable work: Everybody can appreciate good observational humor. And who hasn’t been disappointed with a genital band-aid before?

Katherine has found the one upside to attending a Creationist school — every essay is three words long: “God did it.” For bonus credit: “Fuck the moon!”

Meanwhile fucking Jim is out here trying to unravel the fabric of society:

And Mel Mudkiper puts more thought into the Blade family than Malibu put into every single anything they’ve ever made put together:

Over in the Discord, Not Actually Mithras unlocks the mystery of Malibu’s terrible art:

And it was a hotly contested race, but flamefish345 has identified the unquestionably dorkiest thing:

Every once in a while a topic takes the whole Discord by storm. Sometimes it’s music, sometimes it’s literature, sometimes it’s the crumbling facade of American politics, but most times it’s which head explodes the goodest:

Josh has uncovered a disturbing new fetish in several senses of the word:

And Cerril, poor Cerril. He made an innocent wish and did not realize a dickhead genie was listening. This comes from what used to be the Drink Nerds channel.

Someday the rest of the room will forgive him for tainting their clubhouse. It will not be this day.

Finally, Argentrose found a home she could understand, and KCJMAC welcomed her the best way we know:

Damn, this was a cutthroat week in Hot Doggery! How can mere men choose one winner from this vast pool filled with nothing but winners and winner-juices? Like this: Congratulations, Mel Mudkiper, for telling us the saga of Herman Blade and the lesser Blades! For the next two weeks, you will take possession of the most valuable work of art known to man. Or at least, what used to be the most valuable work of art — fuckin’ Jakesy35 spilled barbecue sauce on it and tried to do the restoration himself. 

It was a valiant effort, Jakesy35, but your atrocities will never be forgotten, and your seed will be wiped from the Earth.

You folks are, as always, the best. And if anybody ever questions that, you come tell us. We’ll ride ‘em down on our hogs. Our actual hogs. Our actual trained battlehogs.