Christmas is over and all you got was socks and herpes, again. Not even an exciting new strain either! We understand. Nobody gets you like we do. That’s why we’re taking today to give you the greatest gift of all: A little recognition. Here are the grandest feats of Hot Doggery our readers pulled off this holiday season. Are you on here? You could be! Let’s cut right to Jeff Orasky in the comments to find out how:
One of the best and worst parts of our site are the secrets we unearth. So often there’s a crazy hidden backstory, an insane follow-up, an unfolding drama that elevates a lighthearted column making fun of Christian hacky-sackers into something special. It is not always a fun process, as Jim discovered when he dug into the seedy criminal underworld of Devil Sticking:
Greg also risked it all to uncover the secret of what’s in women’s handbags, as so many Improv comics of the ‘90s tried and failed to do before him:
While Danny DeAngelis braved certain death to suggest that Seanbaby shares certain common traits with a mystical karate Pied Piper:
jesse havlin informed us about the rich and storied world of Gor which, fun fact, stands for Gross Orifice Reaming:
And sissyneck gave us a little peek into his home life. Aw, little Trayton’s growing up!
Djonin dared to name the unnameable:
You fool. You poor dead fool. To speak its name is to give it a key to your home that only opens one door. The back one.
Bigfoot in a Clown Car knew that acronyms were in the air this Hot Dog Appreciation season. Every time you unreasonably insist that letters stand for something, Gary Busey grins. G.R.I.N.S. And that stands for Ghosts Rampage In Noggin SCREAM.
Every once in a while the Discord seizes on a concept and rides it off into the sunset like a sad Buckaroo who realized there ain’t noplace for him in Placid Gulch now that peace has been restored. And then that Buckaroo eats a Dude, Wrangler, or lesser Cowpoke to gain a stat bonus:
Sometimes the subject of sex surfaces in the Discord, looks around, realizes where it is, and then burrows away like a sultry mole:
RancorousC gives us the meta-matchup we all want to see:
And then we have the ballad of Jackson Galaxy, Cat Master:
Sometimes a Hot Dogger just has a season. Like Georgio “The Towel” Manifold did back when he played catchboy for the ‘97 Wagoneers. Or a real sports reference! This season was dominated by Wicked Sanguine, who even became a PhD² partway through.
Now we know why you can never portal-assassinate either a horse or Mads Mikkelson:
And exactly what to expect in Mormon Limbo:
Let us close with A Fucking Carol, that classic holiday tale where an old miser is visited by the ghosts of three increasingly furious Fuck Apes until he learns what was really important in life all along: Not being visited by Fuck Apes.
In the spirit of the season, we’d like to declare you all winners, but we can’t because the winner is Dr. W Sanguine, Double-Phud. Congratulations! For the next fortnight you are trusted with guardianship of the most valuable piece of artwork ever created. And then completely fucking ruined by our last winner, sissyneck.
In accordance with tradition, sissyneck will now be annihilated so hard that every person he has ever interacted with will cough up dust that tastes vaguely like sissyneck for weeks.
You folks are, as always, the best. And if anyone ever questions that, you call us. We’ll travel back in time to bang their mothers so that we end up their fathers and we will give them such a talking to.