Learning Day: The Walnuts 🌭

“I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable.” – Lisa Simpson

I forget which episode that’s from, but it always stuck with me, much like every line of every episode of The Simpsons Seasons 3 through 9. But I didn’t call you all into the parlor to talk Simpsons, or even because by converting my entire studio apartment into a parlor it has become the default option. In fact, I discussed The Simpsons in a previous column and do so regularly for a living – emphasis on “disgust.”

Point is, like Lisa I contain multitudes, and most of them are Upsetting. Unfortunately I listened to too much John Mayer in college and now I’m constitutionally incapable of staying inside the lines, so today I present a Learning Day column where we’re going to learn about something very Upsetting together, and I sincerely apologize about the fact that this was unavoidable and for how it will make you feel. No one asked for it, you got it – it’s The Peanuts comic book porn parody!

Again, very sorry. Here is a column with Cheech and Mr. T if that’s more your speed. Neither of them gets fucked by tentacles in it, which is more than I can promise when it comes to The Walnuts. This is an artifact unearthed from particularly deep in the bowels of the internet, where equal page-space is dedicated to content as to ads promising things like THIS GAME WILL MAKE YOU CUM IN 2 MINUTES or JERK OFF WITH SOMEONE NAKED (which is honestly an excellent way to jerk off with someone). Obviously, given the sensitive nature of the subject, I’ll be censoring some of the more graphic bits with a few of my favorite Far Side comics by Gary Larson.

Also if y’all could make sure Alex Schmidt never sees this one, I think we’d both really appreciate it. So like, when I post on Bluesky to promote, don’t tag him in the replies or anything, that almost certainly wouldn’t be very very funny. Alright, let’s get to work on this column! But don’t you do that, because masturbating to what I’m about to show you is illegal in the state you’re in – and I mean metaphysically, like on this plane of existence.

You can’t tell from the cropped cover, but the Walnuts gang are indeed grown up in this, which is itself a relief. The team behind this comic don’t want to fuck kids, just your childhood. Also, as a professional comedy writer I’m duty-bound to note that Peanuts is already so close to “penis” that they probably could have done something with it. But don’t you do something with it, because masturbating to what I’m about to show you is so taboo that as soon as you do it your more judgmental parent automatically knows.

Packing Peanuts. Much better title. That’s free, you can have that.

Great, we’re two panels in and nothing irredeemably evil has yet unfolded. That said, a few things to note about The Walnuts as a work thus far:

🌭 You don’t email a letter.

🌭 “Am I doom to” isn’t anything.

🌭 Uh-oh, Lynus has read The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists.

🌭 Lastly, “Linus” is again so close to the word “penis” that’s probably how I would have handled it. But don’t you handle it, because masturbating to what I’m about to show you is so unnatural it will bring tamagotchis back. And not in a cute, nostalgic way – they’ll be everywhere you go, their electronic cries to be fed and cleaned ubiquitous and inescapable, forming the hideous backdrop of your new Nermal (they are Garfield-themed).

Oh hey, only three billion women? If my googling is accurate, that implies this comic was either poorly researched or made in 1999, although I prefer to believe it takes place on another planet far, far away from here.

Our first exposure to actual human lovemaking is in silhouette, which shows some restraint from the publisher. What doesn’t is calling your imprint JKR COMICS, which given that you make porn could equally represent the words “joker” or “jacker.” Then there’s the elephant in the room – Lynus is a piece of shit. Like, real human garbage. He’s not against same-sex relationships, he literally doesn’t believe they exist. Dudes are out here fuckin’ and Lynus is all “I don’t buy it.”

Protip: if a girl says “come with me” in a way where you can definitely tell she meant “cum” in place of “come,” you’ve entered Sure Thing Territory. Welcum to Favor Cuntry, my friend! This is happening. Not to mention, your mouth is shaped like a white kidney bean and her’s is shaped like a black kidney bean, so it seems like your mouths will probably fit together or snap into place in a pleasing way! It’s kissmet.

Next, Peppercorn Patty asks Charley out, or rather orders him to date her.

Cum to think of it, “Peppermint Patty” is so close to “penisy penis” that I kinda can’t wrap my head around how they missed that. But don’t you wrap your head around a penisy penis, because sucking dick to what I’m about to show you is considered a stain on your Klingon Honor that lingers down to the seventh generation. Even Alexander would bear the shame of your discommendation! Anyway, FYI Charley Brown and Marcia are about to get down to business (sex business), so fair warning. TRY NOT TO CUM IN 2 MINUTES.

Like most sexual encounters, things kick off with Charley either sucking on or repeatedly greeting Marcia’s breast. He continues to sup upon it eagerly until Marcia, wild with desire, falls to her knees to return the favor. The expression on Charley’s face as she wraps her head around his linus is unmistakable – sheer ecstasy.

Maybe mild surprise. Definitely one of those two. The comic then cuts outside to reveal that they’ve been banging in Snoopy’s impossibly large dog house the whole time. This implies either that Snoopy is thirty or the Walnuts gang are still children, just long, poorly-drawn ones.

It’s like they say: if the doghouse is rockin’, Charley Brown’s got his cock in, Marcia’s talk is shockin’ and Tupac’s glock – oh wait, there’s still more.

Gotta be honest, the mental image of jizz squizzing out of Charley Brown’s penis with a mighty SPLERT while he promises more to cum is maybe the most Upsetting moment of this whole Learning Day. So there, that’s one thing we’ve learned already! Learning is fun! For example, after apparently hours of just sitting there on the floor of a dirty doghouse with his penis getting soft inside his mate, Charley again tries to dunk on Marcia’s “performative lesbianism,” thereby learning what bisexual means.

Hey, asked and answered in both cases. Frank and open communication is key to cultivating a healthy DL cheating fuckbuddy hall pass situation with the bisexual girlfriend of the girl you’re taking out to the movies tonight. It’s your basic Three’s Cumpany-type scenario.

Charley does a classic “sad George Michael” walk over to see Patty, wrestling with intricate complexities like a girl not liking you back and casual sex as a concept. Fortunately, he’s about to have an Upsetting Day in Learning Day’s Clothing of his own that’s going to spark a lot of growth and explain a lot.

Wow. So that “we have to find my pussy” thing from earlier was a joke setup. In the writer’s mind they were laying pipe, and not in the way I hope you aren’t right now, because if you are then what I just showed you has caused a hungry Korean ghost to affix to your family as punishment.

That’s essentially the end – or “punch” – of the first issue, and admittedly Lynus wiggling his dump truck ass underneath a beloved childhood blanket long browned from use and age is an image that, for me, will endure. At least until the atrocities of The Walnuts #2 come through and scour them away like brain-Metamucil. As a starter, please note that I was forced to censor the cover because Snoopy (still asleep mind you) is sporting a big hairy red hard doggy dick.

What’s really messed up is, he’s having a sex dream about Woodstock – presumably named Woodsuck in this reality – blowing his brother Spike. It’s non-ironically maybe the best thing I’ve ever seen, and my firstborn son was born a month ago. He’s next to me right now as I write, and instead I’m looking fixedly at this bird sucking this dog’s dick. For you.

Dude, he’s bored of it! He’s not even into it! Major missed opportunity that “SUCK SUCK” isn’t “IIII IIII,” though. Charles Schulz would probably take issue with that, and nothing else about this comic tribute to his life’s work.

As the issue actually picks up, good ol’ Charley Brown is still reeling from walking “in” on his best friend tagging his sister from behind fully outdoors, Crank-style. In retrospect, it’s pretty wild that he didn’t shout “GOOD GRIEF!” but let’s set that aside for now. No Peanuts porn parody would be complete without Lucy, who is apparently still making a living by providing unlicensed psychiatric services from a cardboard box as an adult. That or, again, this is illegal child pornography that you’re reading. Here’s that Alex Schmidt social link again.

There you go, “married for many years.” My pedophilia concerns have finally and at last been put to rest, leaving ample room for other disturbing things to take their place. Lucy is naturally upset to be texted a pic of her man “tickling the ivories,” as they might say in “piano school.”

Wow, that’s…actually true. And like, kind of wise? I suppose whatever Lucy and Charley get up to next will truly define them.

Implied pedophilia is BACK, baby! The young lovers waste no time doing the psychiatrically responsible thing in the face of marital infidelity – rutting like animals.

I tried to pick Far Side comics that actually captured the mood of those middle, filthy panels, so hopefully that gives you some understanding of what lies beneath. Here’s a hint: the snake represents a penis and the dirty dingoes represent that Lucy is about to get anally assaulted by a dog and I really didn’t want that to sneak up on you. Put on your 3-D glasses now.

Seeing Snoopy’s dick is something you can’t take back, much like my place on various government registries upon the release of this article. It doesn’t help that he is by far the best-drawn character in the book, with by far the veiniest cock. Our only real consolation is that he doesn’t appear again after this panel, which I take to mean he was imprisoned and shanked to death by other, less odious inmates. And in fact, that’s all of the sex in the comic done, but not all of the implied pedophilia.

Wait, not implied – explicit and confirmed beyond doubt.

SHROLDER?! Fucking Shrolder? When it already sounds so much like “penis?” At this point, you might be wondering what kind of porn parody has a bunch of backstory it needs to deploy at the end, after the final sex scene. Pretty sure the only other porn parody I’ve ever seen that did that was the gay Memento parody, Guy Piercin’. That made sense though, since it went back-to-front. Don’t you put your back against a front though, because fucking while you read what I’m about to show you is considered the Eighth Deadly Sin and is punishable by Kevin Spacey.

He just gets you. He has you and he gets to do whatever. Although if you are able to have sex during this next part, honestly, kudos. You’re a worse, more disgusting person than I am, and I admire that, which I think makes us tied again.

What comes next is truly shocking.

That’s right, it wasn’t a typo, his name is really Shrolder! Fucking ew. Again, I’m not sure why we’re still locked into the story at this point, but the important thing is that we can tell from Charley’s facial expression that he’s cumming exactly as hard as he did when Marcia sucked him off in the magic doghouse.

Charley Brown’s O-face is most people’s Oh-no-face. Which indeed he yells, which reaches all the way to Shrolder’s ears, since he is also fucking outside like we all do every time. In a wild twist, Shrolder is fucking Charley’s daughter, who he thinks is his own daughter. You might recognize this as the opposite of both the Oedipus Complex and all that is right and good.

In the face of such ruinous filth, one could not be blamed for regressing mentally just as a means of escape! This concludes my essay on How I Spent My Summer Vacation. My best subject is History and when I grow up I want to be a Marine Biologist.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Eric Christian Berg, who paid extra to make sure this one wasn’t free