Author: Michael Swaim
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It’s fair to say I’m a Star Trek fan.
In fact, I think it’s fair to say almost anything if you don’t act on it and it doesn’t affect anyone else. Try it! I just said “I murdered them, Padme, and I murdered their little sand-babies too” alone in a closet and nothing untoward happened. But it’s also true to say that I’m a Star Trek fan, and I’ll prove that now by telling you something only a true Star Trek fan would know (Man, saying “Star Trek fan” over and over is going to get cumbersome…if only there were a punchier term for it. I know! Starkie!).
Okay, so, as I was loosely describing to ChatGPT, only a real, dyed-in-the-velour Starkie would know that the name STAR TREK is actually a mishmash of terms, much like the V’Ger – Voyager reveal in Star Trek: The Motion Picture.
In this case, the show’s cryptic title conceals the name of one of the first characters conceived, Spock’s father Sarek of Vulcan. If you remove the word “SAREK” from “STAR TREK,” you’re left with “TRT,” a reference to creator Gene Roddenberry’s tireless support for government-mandated Testosterone Replacement Therapy for all U.S. males. This would be, quote, “to help us defeat the commies both down here and way up there in that crazy yonder we call space.” That manly-man philosophy also inspired Mr. Roddenberry’s nom de plume, and he was often known to ask Trek staffers if they “wanted to see his jean’s rod and berries.” In public and the press, Gene scrupulously avoided the use of his real name – Mr. DNA Tallywhacker – in order to obscure his ethnicity.
See? I guarantee you didn’t know that, and not just because it’s verifiably false although that is part of it!
My credibility as a Starkie thus established, it’s my sincere joy to tell you I have convinced Sean and Robert to let me do a series of columns on the HOTDOGgiest Star Trek episodes of all time, and this is the first one. It’s on The Original Series episode “The Alternative Factor,” and because this is our initial jaunt I’ve decided to stick to dunking on an episode that just plain sucks. It’s not accidentally or intentionally problematic, it’s not deeply broken because the process was compromised, it’s quite simply one of the most boring, shitty, phoned-in episodes of television ever crapped out by mid-level talent punching a dreary clock. Fun!
One thing about being a Starkie is that although we genuinely love the show and franchise, lots of the folks involved, and what the series has come to stand for, most of us also willingly accept that it is often cheesy and has been run into the ground harder than Troi did to the D in Generations. No one can better elucidate what sucks about most Star Trek episodes better than an actual Star Trek fan, so allow me to do that now.
If you’ve seen any Trek at all, you’re probably familiar with the opening narration. It’s been tweaked over the decades, but notably The Original Series crew called their shot and baked the idea of a five-season arc right into its intro sequence. The show lasted three.
But at any rate, for however long, the diverse crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise executed their standing orders to wander the galaxy in search of “new life and new civilizations,” which isn’t NOT colonialism. I mean, they literally deposit colonists lots of places they go…but let’s move on. “The Alternative Factor” opens in media rest, which is the opposite of in media res – absolutely nothing has happened, is happening, or will happen for some time to come.
Seriously, you’re welcome to toke your bongos or whatever you ’60s kids do before you Trek out, you’ve got time. Enjoy the soothing beeping sound.
Need to pee? Pee now. The plot will not outpace you; that’s the Star Trek promise.
He’s the Captain.
Oops, sorry, got ahead of myself! But yeah, he’s the Captain, Captain Kirk, and the lanky dude with the bowl cut is Mr. Spock. He’s the Enterprise’s First Officer, Sarek’s half-human son, and a largely emotionless logic machine. Anyway, Spock, you were saying?
BOOM! Dang! Weeeauuuuww!
I guess that answers that. Spock was about to say “Captain, someone has left a classroom projector on with Hubble Telescope images in the slide tray!” Just kidding. In truth I’m not here to bag on dated effects, but rather dated ideas and storytelling, so let’s get to some. After their catastrophic space crash, Spock reports a planet has suddenly appeared beneath them where there wasn’t one before. What’s more, the planet is host to a single life form.
Careful there, Doctor Spocktopus! You’re making dangerous assumptions. My Realdoll checks all those boxes and she’s definitely not human or I’d be at serious carceral risk. Taking Spock at his word, though – as the show clearly wants us to – we can at least start to piece together the nature of this week’s mystery. Hopefully doing so will lead us to some imaginative sci-fi offers, a nugget of useful wisdom, or some diverting thrills.
WHAT WE KNOW
1. There’s a guy.
Further investigation is clearly called for. Consulting the ship’s systems, Spock reports that, for a moment, all of the matter in space around them seemed to “wink in and out of existence.” When reality settled again, the human on the planet was there.
Gotcha, so okay, so, to update our fact sheet:
WHAT WE KNOW
1. There’s sometimes a guy.
Even more further investigation is even more clearly called for. They form an Away Team and beam down to the mysterious planet, and it’s at this point the title card actually hits.
The only reason I mention that is because I promise a shiny golden pony to anyone who can write in and tell me what “The Alternative Factor” actually is. Time? Coherence? An alternative to what, good TV? Spoiler: there’s actually two guys, but I still don’t understand how that justifies the title. Is a man a factor? Besides Mike “The Factor” Sorrentino on Alternative Jersey Shore, I mean.
Spock, Kirk and four redshirts quickly discover the little pod Elroy Jetson goes to school in. Why they couldn’t beam down directly next to it is left unexplained. After all, there’s no time for laborious exposition when you have all that walking to do from the beam-down site to the pod!
Then, with a cowardly and wordless shriek, a white dude with a big Fu Manchu mustache and unkempt goatee quite intentionally hurls himself down an embankment.
Ever ready to aid a stranger in distress, the Enterprise crew rush to where he fell. Already, much has become clearer.
WHAT WE KNOW
1. There’s sometimes a guy.*
2. He sucks.
* Whenever a piece of information we already know is confirmed, I will add an asterisk to the corresponding clue.
They return the unconscious man to the Enterprise Sickbay, only to find the ship’s dilithium crystals were drained when they encountered the anomaly. That’s bad.
Kirk demands ANSWERS, and timely ones at that! As usual, the logical Mr. Spock bears the brunt of his inquiry. With practiced Vulcan composure, he reports his instrument’s startling findings:
Ah, nothing! The very essence of mystery itself! Sounds to me like a restack is in order…
WHAT WE KNOW
1. There’s sometimes a guy.*
2. He sucks.
3. Nothing.
Just then, like a bolt from the dark, Lieutenant Uhura gets an emergency subspace message from Starfleet that’s bound to raise the stakes, especially if you already know what “Code Factor 1” means. Something about voter registration rolls if I recall correctly.
I did not recall correctly. You’d think from that dialog – and you’d be wrong – that Starfleet is calling to report they’ve been invaded. In fact, they are calling to ASK if there’s an invasion going on, which is just infinitely less exciting.
Sorry Space Daddy, gotta stop ya right there…“every” quadrant of the galaxy – so then, you mean all four? Am I misunderstanding the etymology of the word “quadrant?” Is the “quad” part just a guideline? Can a quadrilateral have anything from two to eight sides, anything in that ballpark?
Despite the fact that we still know essentially nothing, Captain Kirk is ready to confidently declare we’re being invaded.
This attitude is similar to that of another famous Kirk, but I already forget that guy’s first name because he’s dead now and we can safely etch-a-sketch him from our minds. However, that won’t change the fact that up here in space-town, we only know three things and one is “nothing.”
Okay, so to recap that scene…
[ring ring]
Uhura: Captain, it’s Space Daddy. He says “are we being invaded?”
Space Daddy: Captain, it’s Space Daddy. Are we being invaded?
Kirk: Definitely…perhaps.
Space Daddy: Exactly. Brilliant deduction. So maybe find out?
Kirk: That’s kinda what we were already doing.
Space Daddy: This is why we pay you the big space bucks.
In case you didn’t like my recap, Kirk also has Spock summarize everything in his own inimitable deadpan.
At this point, we’re beyond spoon-feeding the audience; this is more like cramming expository information down the audience’s collective gullet to fatten their livers for pâté. Point by point, Spock is reporting that:
⏺ Something happened.
⏺ Here.
⏺ Possibly dangerous.
⏺ Let’s go look at it.
And I must remind you, we already DID go look at it. That’s literally the scene we just came back from and about which we’re debriefing! If you mapped the story structure of this episode so far, it would just be a tight little scribble. You got anything else for us Space Daddy?
Cool, great, good talk! Before returning to the surface to re-investigate, Kirk questions his goateed guest. The unnamed man claims he was wandering space alone when he was suddenly attacked by an evil, vague, impossible-to-describe monster he can’t get into much detail about right now. You know, real credible stuff.
Skeptical but intrigued, Kirk beams down to the surface where Spock and his science team have already been at work for some time. Surely, they must have uncovered some clue that will jump-start the episode?
Okay, okay, wait! Okay. I have a thing for this.
WHAT WE KNOW
1. There’s sometimes a guy.**
2. He sucks.*
3. Nothing.***
Despite the fact that we’re just stacking unknown on unknown like J.J. Abrams’ tomb (famously comprised entirely of mystery boxes), Spock feels he’s seen enough to declare the mustachioed man a dirty liar.
This is most logical, as the stink of spirit gum has been strong upon this one from the start. That fake fall? That fake beard? Surely this man is up to something.
Oh, and I guess his name is Lazarus! That’s never been mentioned before and he doesn’t come back from the dead like the original Lazarus, but at least we can stop calling him “this man.” So yeah, Lazarus then cleverly evades further interrogation by flip-flopping around for a very long time. Dude dodges questions via seizure.
The visual effects seem to imply he’s “attacked” or “destabilized” by a picture of a nebula, but I’m telling you now it will never be fully clear what that’s supposed to represent. All I know is if you focus on the actual actor, it REALLY reads like he just flails around for a while as a diversion then tries to sneak off.
Un/fortunately, his clever ruse falls apart when he’s stopped by the fact that the lens is unfocused.
A few flashing lights send him scampering for the underbrush.
…more nebula slides…spinning newspaper effect…
…and then, something like a third of the way through the episode, we FINALLY get something sensible to latch onto.
Oh, it makes you go to Blue!!!!!
The spinning newspaper nebula unfocuses the lens and transports you to Blue. That makes a lot of stuff click – the guy who’s there sometimes who sucks, the nothing, Lieutenant Uhura having already communicated that information…NOW I see. NOW it makes sense. NOW I get it.
After wrestling with the script’s writer in a noble attempt to end this madness, Lazarus seems to be bested and is once again ejected into a normal scene so he can do a crappy pratfall.
Kirk rushes over, demanding answers! Better ones than before!
That’s nothing. “The thing” gives us nothing. Spock? Tricorder readings?
Yeah man! I know! I already know that! That’s why we’re here re-investigating, “to find out specifically!” Were you not listening to Space Daddy? Christ man, Lieutenant Uhura communicated that information already – you told ME that! So like seriously, what the fuck, are we in a TIME LOOP now? Because Trek does that! They do that to you!
Lazarus further explains that the thing is “white and black,” descriptors which cancel each other out, and also “empty,” which is a synonym for “nothing.” Then he chants “Kill!” a bunch, which is the most sensible idea someone has presented in the episode thus far. Obviously in need of a reset, the crew take the wounded stranger up to the Enterprise Sickbay…again…and return to the bridge to list everything they know so far, which is nothing…again. The only thing Kirk can add to the clue stew this time is that the guy who keeps repeatedly hurling himself onto rocks seems to be bleeding real blood, so his story about an unthinkable space monster is probably also true.
They go to Sickbay to ask Dr. McCoy what he’s found out by examining Lazarus physically, presumably for the second time now. Hey guess what, “Alternative Factor” fans – it’s nothing!
McCoy does claim that Lazarus seems to have some kind of alien healing factor, seeing as his wounds washed right off and he’s already ambulatory. Of course this could also indicate fake wounds, so Kirk asks where the guy is so he can question him…again.
That’s right, we’re gonna spend a few minutes tracking Lazarus down! This is a great excuse to show off Kirk’s sexy stride, the keen Enterprise corridor sets, and how valueless are the hours that make up our lives. Speaking of a life without value, Laz is at that very moment being “attacked” again, which takes the form of the exact same sequence of crummy visual effects playing out over the exact same length of time.
I didn’t gif the whole sequence, but trust me, it’s interminable. Also, its only apparent effect is to flip the actor horizontally and give him douche chills.
.
Kirk finds him and asks him if anything’s wrong. He says no. Kirk accepts this. FUCK.
And here’s where the episode gets really interesting, and by “interesting” I mean something so hard in the opposite direction that there’s no human word for it. Spock is about to tell Captain Kirk to rush to the bridge because he’s “discovered something extraordinary,” but DON’T BE FOOLED. What’s really happening now is a full show reset. This is the midpoint of the episode, and we’re going to take it all again from the top as if it’s a new set of events. Here we go.
Yep, that’s the little Jetsons pod we initially beamed down to investigate on the planet that’s sometimes there and sometimes not! We just came from there. What about it are you now saying is extraordinary, you paragon of logic you?
RIGHT. There’s a PLANET with a little POD with a GUY that’s SOMETIMES THERE and SOMETIMES NOT. That’s the INITIAL OFFER that set up the episode. WHAT ARE YOU ACTUALLY TELLING US, SPOCK?
Point by point, Spock is reporting that:
⏺ Something happened.
⏺ Here.
⏺ Possibly dangerous.
⏺ Let’s go look at it.
Naturally, this requires a report to Starfleet Command, so they dial up Space Daddy. He tells them something possibly dangerous seems to have happened there and they might want to go take a look at it. Everyone acts like this is all happening for the first time, and no, that’s not part of the sci-fi.
The mere mention of the ship’s dilithium crystals seems to remind Lazarus that they will trap and kill “the thing that’s black and white and empty.” Why he didn’t know that before and knows it now, like nineteen of the galaxy’s forty-one quadrants, remains unexplored.
After a brief interchange that proves neither Lazarus nor Captain Kirk understand the difference between a “warning,” a “demand,” a “threat,” and/or “vengeance…”
…Laz staggers off alone to go have another fit of blue in the corridor. It takes a thousand years. It’s the slowest thing ever televised.
Despite Lazarus’ demanding warning of the threat of vengeance, Kirk doesn’t have him tracked or secured in any way. This frees him up to waltz right into Engineering and take the dilithium crystals like he just said he was going to eight seconds ago.
Somehow, impossibly, aboard a ship that can surpass the speed of light and scan for anything in the universe anywhere at any time, Lazarus escapes unnoticed. You can tell the writers couldn’t think of a solve, too, because it just cuts to an exterior of the Enterprise and direct admission from Kirk that, essentially, the episode is still just beginning.
Kirk rounds up Lazarus and presses him on the obvious…
Laz explains this all away – if you can call it that – by insisting that there is a GUY. Who SUCKS. Who is SOMETIMES AROUND. Why, he can even do things you’d expect a humanoid guy to be able to do! Lazarus then lists those things, as if everything should be clear now and we’re the weird ones for bringing this up.
Just to keep the tally up-do-date, let’s toss some asterisks onto the Big Board of Bored:
WHAT WE KNOW
1. There’s sometimes a guy.*****
2. He sucks.***
3. Nothing.********
4. Gimme dem crystals!
Spock, undeterred, is like “Okay, okay, wait! Okay. I have a thing for this.”
Point by point, Spock is reporting that:
⏺ The crystals aren’t here.
⏺ There is SOMETHING here, though!
⏺ Possibly radioactive.
⏺ Let’s go look at it.
So the whole crew takes turns heaving a big angry sigh, then they all go down to the planet a third time, dead-set on explaining that pesky unexplained radiation source or die trying. Mr. Spock is unable to locate the radiation source.
Kirk suggests they all just wander into the desert and gives the men free license to kill themselves if they feel the need.
That’s right, if you see something just start blastin’! We gotta wrap this episode up in ten minutes and I only basically have half an idea of what might potentially be going on (unless of course I’m mistaken). Now here’s eight gifs to give you a sense of how much screen-time is spent on the crew wandering around and another “Lazarus attack.”
Yep, that’s right! They just idly let Lazarus peel off and go off on his own even though he’s the only person of interest on the entire planet! This conveniently sets him up to have another attack of the spinny nebulas, which in turn sets him up to kick a rock onto Kirk’s head from above.
Realizing this would keep the scene from echoing the top of the episode exactly, the writer then has Lazarus hurl himself off the ledge for no discernible reason.
The away team (those that didn’t phaser their own heads off) return Lazarus to the Enterprise Sickbay for a third time. Sick of this shit as well he might be, Kirk posts up at his bedside this time and demands that Laz make some, any sense of the situation.
Fuck. You. Learn a new space-word! Kirk valiantly tries to out-think his foe by telling him a slice of American cheese is an incriminating computer report.
Miraculously, the tactic actually does dislodge an exciting, all-new plot offer!
Get it, stupid? The reason for the unexplained radiation causing the galaxy to wink in and out of existence is – you guessed it – prepare your emojis with the mushroom clouds coming out of their heads…”because I’m a time traveller!” It’s one of those classic science fiction twist endings that makes you go “……fucking WHAT?!” Kirk reacts similarly, but is rewarded only with a fresh smattering of asterisks.
WHAT WE KNOW NOW THAT THE GUY IS A TIME TRAVELLER
1. There’s sometimes a guy.******
2. He sucks.****
3. Nothing.*******************
4. Gimme dem crystals!*
McCoy also takes a brief and pointless aside to insult the only actor in the cast successfully portraying how this episode makes us feel.
I bet that guy’s thinkin’ about surfing.
Anyway, after kicking the only guard out of the room, the good doctor insists his patient is in no state to sneak off, then immediately exits. A few seconds later Lazarus pops awake, understandably surprised to find himself alone and unrestrained, and sneaks off.
But because this has all happened before and it will all happen again, he doesn’t get too far before he has a bad/identical attack of the “defocused spinarounds.” If the plot still isn’t coming together for you, please keep in mind: this man is a time traveller.
Meanwhile, like two madmen banging their heads against a wall until there’s nothing left but pulp, Kirk and Spock restack everything we’ve learned so far…again…again. You know the drill!
Point by point, Spock is reporting WHAT WE KNOW NOW THAT THE GUY IS A TIME TRAVELLER
⏺ The crystals aren’t here.
⏺ There is SOMETHING, though!*
⏺ Here.*
⏺ Possibly radioactive.**
⏺ Let’s go look at it.
1.There’s sometimes a guy.*******
2. He sucks.*****
3. Nothing.*********************
4. Gimme dem crystals!*
I’m not sure how to make the episode any clearer than that, but in case it STILL doesn’t click, good news: Captain Kirk’s gonna spell it out for ya, ya big dum-dum…
…and you know he’s right, because the ship’s computer automatically changes the room’s lighting to highlight his “I’m right this time” eyes…
Duh! It was radiation from a minus universe hole! Or at least “it could be described that way,” which is fair to say (see top of column again for a full breakdown of what is fair to say). And as the old spacer’s saying goes, “where there’s a minus universe hole, there’s two Lazaruses.” This logic is airtight and inescapable.
Clearly fearing a retread of the “vengeance/demand/threat/warning” debacle, Spock helpfully explains the subtle differences between a “purpose,” a “goal,” and “an agenda.” Being Spock’s best friend sounds like a real fun time!
Did you catch that? Under certain conditions, madness may have a goal. That’s important context, so I’m just making sure you caught it. So is William Shatner, with one of his patented slow-roll deliveries…
Seventy-five seconds later, we get a complete plot redo of Lazarus – or Minus Lazarus I guess – once again traipsing into an unsecured Engineering wing and taking their (now recharged) dilithium crystals.
That lower-right frame is the actor playing Minus Lazarus hitting the word “KNOW!” real hard and shaking his body violently to indicate that he has done a karate move below frame. It takes a second or so for the redshirt to obligingly seize up and topple over. Of course, that’s nothing compared to the lag between Kirk beaming back down to the planet and actually laying hands on Laz. Behold, this episode’s interpretation of the stage direction “Kirk suddenly appears:”
Laz, you hadded da crystals! What happened, my minus man?? Maybe spend a little less time chanting “I’m done, it’s finished, I’m done, it’s done” and a little more time actually doing it next time. I’d blame your crappy performance on the blow to the head, but at this point I’m unclear on whether that exists, healed, or is supposed to be the way I tell you and your twin apart. If it’s the third thing, it isn’t helping as much as you might think!
Presumably because Lazarus’ pod is a prop incapable of flight, it turns out to be an interdimensional transporter instead of a “ship” per se, and zaps Captain Kirk away into the Blue Zone, A.K.A. The Negative Universe Minus-Hole.
Kirk gets spat out the other end into the minus universe, which handily looks exactly like the set we just came from shot from the reverse angle.
It is here he encounters Plus Lazarus. Or perhaps this is Minus Lazarus, and the other Plus? All we know is this is not the man we’ve been dealing with so far, because this man acts like a rational human being.
“Acts like” is as far as I’m willing to go, though; because even this dude’s exposition reads like someone flipping through the Complete Works of Ray Bradbury at random.
“Oh, so this atmosphere is terraformed?”
“Precisely, it’s automated.”
“So the androids-”
“The holograms came alive, yes.”
This bullshit continues for some time:
Hey, I’ll tell you something, Antimatter Human Time Traveller Interdimensional Lazarus Man – if this episode has proven ANYTHING, it’s that it’s hard to explain. But we’ve got a few minutes left, so give it a shot!
Ok, couple quibbles. I don’t see why that would work that way, how a time travelling Earthling came to guard said corridor, or if all those “attacks” we saw throughout the episode were meant to imply the two Lazaruses were switching places, jockeying for cosmic position, or what. Does God know about all this?
Just kidding! Lazarus there is talking about the other, bad Lazarus, of course. This prompts Kirk to philosophize:
No! No it doesn’t! The only concrete idea I can sift from the rubble of your explanation is that you’re trying to keep Eternity from exploding and the other Lazarus wants it to explode. This isn’t really a “point of view” issue! Fortunately, going through the Blue Zone and wrestling a nebula seems to have taught Kirk a few tricks: he can deduce the plot’s rules even though they make no sense…
…sneak up on Minus Lazarus much more efficiently than before…
…and do what they should have from the outset: obliterate the entire site from orbit.
Encounter something your instruments can’t explain? Nuke that shit! Explore, Expand, Exterminate – it’s the Primal Directive, space-baby. That’s all for this column, but I will happily continue trashing my favorite thing next time on Star Drek – Turnabout Intruder!
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Autumn Armstrong-Berg, who loves Star Track. They got ol’ scooty, spock, kerrigan, captain lou albano, all of your favorites! What’s not to love?
One useful definition of “art” is anything made or done with the intent to express, explore or imagine. By this definition…
Humans can make art.
Humans can make robots.
Humans cannot make robots that make art.
That’s because, as yet, no one has even approached creating a robot or computer program that a quorum of modern philosophers or cognitive scientists would grant has “intent.” For something to be art, you need to have a whole personality fleshed out, because you need to have MEANT something. Art cannot come about as a by-product. For example, if a farmer plows thousands of acres with the goal of arranging their various crops efficiently, only to find that when observed from space it makes the Mona Lisa, that’s structured beauty created with intent – but it’s not art.
THIS is art:
THIS is ART:
THIS IS ART!!!!!!!!!!
And this isn’t.
…even though it IS obviously the hottest thing I’ve ever seen, flavor-blasted in sex molecules designed to impact my Bliss Point with a precision only today’s modern Tech Barons can bring to bear. I mean, that image is “Elon Musk” hot!
Still, because it lacks a sense of coherent intentionality, the best generative AI art can do is a blanded-out impression of whatever library of copyrighted work its database was built on. Without intense input from a skilled operator, it will never achieve the signature broken-brained specificity of human erotica…like, say, this tasteful shot of a cowgirl-coded Jade from Jackie Chan Adventures banging a cow-lady hooked to a milking machine.
AI could never. That’s why the only Al I jerk off with will remain “Weird” Al Yankovic. Here are our TOP FIVE SONGS FOR JERKIN’ OFF TOGETHER:
1. “White & Splurty”
2. “Weasel Stroking Day”
3. “I Love Cocky Load”
4. “Another One Likes to Nut”
5. “Palmish Pair-o-guys (with apologies to Coolio)”
Anyway, my Big Point here is that the advent of low-effort generative artslop dumbs down, homogenizes, and un-weirds everything, thereby ruining it. Why would someone running a penis enlargement scam break out MS Paint and doodle a big ol’ dong when they can simply have their computer whip up photorealistic clickbait? WHO WILL TELL ME TO SQUEEZE LEMON JUICE ON MY COCK NOW??
And so, to mark the passing of a very specific kind of art, I’d like to take you on a tour of the long (heh heh) proud tradition of penis enlargement scams and the art used to sell them.
Indeed, the quest for Big Dick Energy has permeated human culture since time immemorial, and can be traced through the evolution of multiple ancient religious pantheons. The Greek fertility god Priapus, from whom we get the word “priapism,” was always depicted with a massive boner, as was the Egyptian god of power and manliness, Min.
Gawt’DAMN, now that’s a man! He’s prepared to fuck, fight, or dive for pennies at the municipal pool at a moment’s notice. Here’s Priapus, similarly ready to rock.
“Knock knock!”
“Who’s there?”
“Priapus!”
“I hate to complain good sir, but you just smashed our door in with your dick. When Winter comes, we shall surely perish.”
“Pry a pussy off the stack, that hot satyr’s back!”
Ancient Egyptian papyri and Chinese medical texts both mention herbal ointments being applied to the phallus to increase virility and penis size, and Greek athletes used a Kynodesmē or “dog tie” not only to hold their tallywhackers in place for sports but also in an attempt to extend the foreskin for a lengthier look.
See? Isn’t that just the biggest dick you’ve ever seen? No? How about this one?
That’s a Grecian urn featuring an erect man riding a flying erection. Here’s an old statue of Priapus with a giant dick and wearing a hat of dicks. I wonder what’s in the bag! Dicks, I bet.
That hat is actually an example of a “fascinus,” which was a Greek or Roman talisman – or should I say phallusman? – worn to celebrate the awesomeness of penises in and of themselves. And yes, that’s where we get the word “fascinate.” The verb “to be interested in” literally descends from how enthralling ancient peoples found the dong. Which I can understand, frankly…you live in the past, everything is awful, there’s no medicine, but at least there’s a rod stuck to your body you can rub for fleeting pleasure.
“Getting fucked by Zeus in the form of a bull gives your dick wiiiiiiiiings!” Here’s some dicks with wings and their tails and feet are also dicks. You can’t tell from the images, but when you ring the little bells the bells sing “dick” and “cock” and “weiner” and such.
Finally, just for good measure, here’s a guy who’s had enough of all these dicks and decided to fight his own dick, a tiger.
So it’s safe to say we’ve always been obsessed with big, meaty schlongs. Perhaps that’s because across many ancient cultures, phallocentric patriarchies often came to the (totally biologically unfounded) conclusion that the penis was the source of all life, and the woman’s sexual apparatus more like a vessel, shell, or trusty pack mule you stow your gear in. Thus, a big hard fat fucking sausage often became a symbol of power and virility, and penis enlargement spells, scams, creams, traditions and rituals have inevitably sprung up across time and around the globe.
One intuitive-if-painful way to lengthen your penis is to simply suspend a weight from it, and many ancient cultures figured that out pretty quickly. The Sadhu tribe in India, certain Sudanese tribes, and the Cholomecs in Peru all share a cultural tradition of hanging dong – literally. The Sudanese also claim ownership of “jelqing,” which is essentially just massaging and stretching your dick out with your hands every day. A woven, basket-like sheath was sometimes used for the same purpose.
I wonder how it smelled! Like dicks, I bet.
But not ALL penis enlargement strategies of the ancients are as innocuous as hanging a weight from your cock or trapping it in a cage. The Kama Sutra describes a man enlarging his manhood by rubbing it with insect bristles and toxic plants, while in Brazil in the 1500s the Topinama tribe is recorded as encouraging poisonous snakes to bite them on the crotch to induce a semi-permanent allergic swelling. Those snakes are all dead now, but try not to blame the penises.
Then of course there are the surgical modifications. History is rife with both primitive and refined penile implants, piercings and addenda. Once we reached a medieval level of technology, clamps, racks and stretching contraptions got added to the mix, often resulting in outright manglings or deformity.
Ambitious cockspeople of the Middle Ages even resorted to downing concoctions like chopped earthworms, ground leeches, and washing their dicks repeatedly in sheep’s milk to swell them up like soggy cereal. There was a huge demand for huge dicks! They don’t just grow on trees you know, illuminated medieval manuscript illustrations notwithstanding.
The first time someone took a needle full of body fat from elsewhere in the body and injected it into some dude’s dick JUST for the purposes of enlargement? 1893. The first penis pump was patented seventy years ago, around the same time skin was first “electively grafted onto the shaft of a penis to increase its girth.” Hey! Ew!
If at this point you’re thinking “huh, all of these techniques sound highly damaging to tender tissue,” you’re right as a ruined penis. Brutally stretching or hanging weights from your cock may lengthen it, but only by sacrificing girth and creating “micro-tears” in your weiner-meat. Repeated scientific studies have found no reliable connection between jelqing, chopped earthworms, rubbing your dick against a snake’s teeth, and anything good that you should be doing.
I think the last sentence of one wide-ranging study of penis enhancement outcomes and satisfaction levels by the noted Dr. Danlop says it best:
Nevertheless, the quest for an artificially enhanced crotch continues, and is big business to this day. Despite common complications like fatal embolisms, disfigurement and sexual impairment, thousands of men a year undergo elective penile enhancement surgery, get an implant, or have hyaluronic acid injected into their dingles to make the cells get irritated and swell up. It’s like a venomous snake bite but you get to pay for it and work through your HMO! Hm, let a venomous snake bite me on the cock or navigate the U.S. healthcare system…tough call.
Then of course there are the more innocuous scams, only out for your time and money and not your flesh. Modern examples include online covens-for-hire and voodoo doctors who promise they will make your penis grow remotely if you send them some quick cash.
Don’t believe me? Ask Antwain from Georgia!
Tragically, even these practitioners have slid quickly from OBJECTIVELY AMAZING human-made doodles or staged photos…
…to obvious, generic AI slop.
And that makes me sad. Sad for art, sad for scammers, sad for the world of weirdness that makes humanity the undefeated goofiest motherfuckers ever to walk the planet. It’s CLEAR that we want bigger dicks, and it’s CLEAR that the science isn’t there, and it’s CLEAR that we don’t care. To celebrate that very human attitude, I will now click through all the old-style clipart penis enlargement ads I can find, do the thing and report back on the results. Wish me luck…
PENIS STARTING LENGTH: 5.25 inches.
NOTES: This ad, like the orange and lemon ads from the top of the article, is probably obliquely referencing the fact that Sildenafil (generic Viagra) works better if you’re topped up on your Vitamin C levels. That’s it. That’s all they mean. So if you click through, you’re actually whisked away to the bluechew site where you can buy a monthly subscription to pills that make your dick bigger but only in the sense that EVERYONE’S PENIS IS LARGER when erect. Gotta love scammer logic! Anyway, I poured an orange Fanta on my dick and waited 30 days.
PENIS LENGTH: A fantastic big 5.25 inches.
NOTES: Clicking through takes you to a site where a man named Thomas Weaver tries to sell you a subscription plan for Sildenafil gummies and a guide to jelqing at home. Anyway, I held a bottle of shampoo next to my dick.
PENIS LENGTH: A fantastic big dandruff-free 5.25 inches.
NOTES: Also a Sildenafil subscription service. Since the image clearly shows the person holding their dick with both hands, I had a trusted friend press some garlic onto my glans.
PENIS LENGTH: A fantastic big dandruff-free 5.25 inches that’s vampire-safe.
NOTES: Well that’s just jerking off, right? Okay. I can do that.
PENIS LENGTH: Who cares?! I feel fleetingly good and that’s what’s important.
NOTES: Oh wait, that’s how you jerk off? NOW you tell me! No wonder it didn’t work. Okay, I’m going to go tug real hard on just the edges of my foreskin and glans until I cum, then report back.
PENIS LENGTH: Zero inches? Negative? It retracted into my body and is whimpering fearfully like a whipped dog.
NOTES: Darn. Okay. If I’m being honest, I don’t really want to squeeze my testicles with my thumbs for a couple weeks, but anything for HOTDOG I suppose.
PENIS LENGTH: When I squeezed my balls my dick popped back out like one of those stress toys where the eyeballs bug out. Upon further inspection, 5.25 inches.
NOTES: Okay, that’s good to hear. I live in Oakland. Do those pills have anything to do with it?
PENIS LENGTH: Mine’s unchanged, but it’s not too late to get a call next month from some very excited Santa Rosan.
NOTES: Oh man, bad news for Santa Rosa guy! But at least now we can back away from dangerous pharmaceutical interventions and pivot back to something more natural. Anyway, I put painter’s tape around my cock where the Fanta used to be.
PENIS LENGTH: Much longer if you count the roll of tape hanging from the end, but I fear the metamorphosis is only temporary.
NOTES: No notes. Perfect. Placed some toothpaste next to my dick.
PENIS LENGTH: A minty fresh, dandruff-free fantastic big 5.25 inches.
NOTES: Okay, I’ll stop joshing around! I know they didn’t really mean to put the toothpaste next to your dick…so this time I actually applied store-bought toothpaste to the shaft of my penis every night while I slept, like a serious person.
PENIS LENGTH: Couldn’t sleep, too excited. Results inconclusive, but also self-whitening and cavity-resistant.
NOTES: I don’t see why doing it in the morning instead of when I sleep will make a difference, but just for the sake of thoroughness I went for it.
PENIS LENGTH: It worked! My penis grew +4.6 inches every morning for three weeks! Currently clocking in at a fairly sizable 101.85 inches or roughly eight and a half feet. Continuing…
NOTES: Also worked, although now my dick smells like fertilizer.
PENIS LENGTH: Only added another four and a half inches over 30 days, so toughing it out with a pitiful 106.35-inch dick over here.
NOTES: You’re the boss, chief!
PENIS LENGTH: 175.5 inches. Respectable to be sure. Also now my ass smells like apple vinegar, which helps distract from the fertilizer smell up top.
NOTES: Really? The dick too? I have to go back to the store for more vinegar now. Okay, whatever.
PENIS LENGTH: Well, the bottle exploded and plastic shrapnel went everywhere, but by tying a series of bedsheets together, marking them, then measuring that, I’ve pegged my final-form dick at somewhere around 300 inches even, or roughly 25 feet. Here it is removed from my body and placed next to a 25-foot sponge for comparison.
Now bring on the snakes! Just kidding, that would be insane. I am still a little unhappy with the girth though, since stretching my dick out to ten yards long has made it appear “slimmer” from certain angles. And when you’re looking for width, only one name comes to mind…REJUVALL.
Or at least it will from now on, after the horrible things Rejuvall has done to my 25-foot penis are seared into your memory forever. First, after a brief consultation and credit check, I was treated to the Rejuvall Affirmall PerMaXL P.E.T. ExoSurge procedure.
This involved liposuctioning my FUPA-fat and then cutting the tendon holding the top of my dick to my torso so it sort of “leans out” more. I also asked why, in their ad, they use arrows indicating “circumference” right under the word “width,” but the doctor just looked at me like this:
After that, it was a simple matter of harvesting some fat from my thigh to inject into the shaft for plumpness!
And then after THAT, it was an even simpler matter of breaking part of my pelvis, pulling the internal shaft of my dick forward, and implanting a physical barrier to prevent it from returning to its proper position so the bones knit with it outside instead of inside! Easy peasy, donezo!
…except of course for the three-phase penile stretching protocol, which also involves a penis pump strapped to your leg, but not the leg they took the fat from because that leg is basically useless now.
FINAL PENIS LENGTH RESULTS – Predominantly I regret what I have done.
This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Eric Christian Berg, who anxiously scrolled all the way past each of the 85 dicks in this article to see if his name was at the bottom. It’s my favorite bit!
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Punching Day: Chuggo’s Ah, C’mon
Just like we do every year, 1-900-HOTDOG is taking the very best articles by the very best people and making them free. Just like every year, this is our holiday gift to you and the world. And just like every year, you and the world got us jack fucking shit. So make it up to us by spreading some of these free articles around, or sharing the entire free category of the site to your friends, family, and enemies you still kind of want to bang.
It takes a certain team to run a successful business. You need a leader, designer, a marketer, and a wild card to shake things up. 1-900-HOTDOG is a business full of wild cards. And Michael Swaim is our wild card. Here’s the kind of guy Swaim is: “We cover cursed media” we once told him. To which he said “oh, like hardcore pornographic Peanuts comics?” And we said “no, not like that at all.” And he said “Here’s Part One.” And we said “….part one?!”
The Japanese Pornographer who Invented ASMR and One Other Simpsons Thing đźŚ
Swaim might be the world’s leading Simpsons scholar. He’s so good Cracked even hired him back to briefly dabble in making original content again. He spent weeks crafting them a two hour long, exhaustively researched documentary about Groundskeeper Willie. They fired him and went back to AI slop. Their loss is our gain: Now they’re missing out on all this sweet Japanese ASMR porno traffic.
Baby Got Book đźŚ
We’ve actually covered “Baby Got Book” on the site already. We told Swaim that. He told us to shut the fuck up and hold this. “This” turned out to be a bundle of lit dynamite. Which turned out to really be a bunch of hot dogs with fuses in them. By the time we put it all together, he’d already submitted this article about a bible-themed Sir-Mix-A-Lot parody and disappeared.
The Magic of the Golden Bear đźŚ
This movie features Mr. T, Cheech Marin, a magic bear, exploding fake Indians, and dirty, dirty feet. Somehow it’s not good? It sounds incredible. Maybe it’s the order of the descriptors. This movie features exploding fake Indians, Cheech Marin, a magic bear, Mr. T, and dirty, dirty feet. No, that still sounds like it kicks ass. Wait, the punctuation is the problem: This movie features Mr. T exploding fake indians, a magic bear, and Cheech Marin dirty dirty feet. There, that gets the vibe across better.
The 1994 Burt Reynolds Sitcom đźŚ
In 1994, Burt Reynolds starred in a sitcom called Evening Shade that decided to tackle trans issues with a Very Important Episode. We’ll repeat the important parts again: Burt Reynolds. 1994. Trans issues. You already know the disaster this should have been. The rue miracle is that it’s not.
Walnuts Part 1 🌠& Part 2 đźŚ
This is the one we warned you about. The hardcore porno Peanuts comic. Both parts of it. We made them free. As in, no longer locked behind a paywall. We put it on our best of the year list, the only marketing we do, and encouraged you to share it. Then we did the same for Part 2. We don’t love you.